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Thread: Star Dates: The Leif Garrett Dates - Seven Years of Bad Sex

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    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
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    Star Dates: The Leif Garrett Dates - Seven Years of Bad Sex

    Nice Hat, You Get a Free Bowl of Soup With That?

    Star Dates
    Featuring: Leif Garrett

    Star Dates’ premise is to combine Blind Date, Elimidate, Disgusting Date, and any other dating show you can think of. The twist here is to set up dates between a B list actor and a normal (read: not famous, but probably trying to be) citizen.

    The “Celebrity”

    This week we catch up with former teen heartthrob Leif Garrett. You remember Leif, he was usually seen belting out a tune like “I Was Made For Dancing” while thousands of girls shrieked in approval. I would say I was jealous, but Leif is just a touch older than me… okay sure, I am jealous anyway… for some odd reason, women don’t react to my recaps the same way as they do to Leif singing. Go figure.

    Yes, this is the very same guy who is almost single handedly responsible for men feathering their hair for a decade. That is a whole lot of bad karma built up, and payback sucks. Wouldn’t it be pretty funny to find out he is bald now? Yeah, come on, admit it, it would be funny.

    I don’t know if Leif is going bald or not, but I would guess so given that he is almost always seen in public with some kind of hat or skull rag on.

    Leif released a number of solo albums between 1977 and 1981. Then he disappeared from the music release scene for almost 17 years before his compilation CD collection was produced in 1998. This album, and his participation in a unique project called an “audio-movie”, were undoubtedly the catalyst for him to launch the group Godspeed in 1999. Sadly, Godspeed was not successful, and his latest effort toward a new group, F8, has not met with popular success.

    All of this is not to say Leif is hurting for anything. In addition to his musical success, he has been involved with 33 movies and 20 guest appearances on TV, including my favorite role for him, as a roller disco kid on CHiPs. I am guessing he doesn’t live paycheck to paycheck.

    Remarkably, he has never been on the Love Boat. That might be a Star Dates first. I know, I was shocked too!

    For the trivia hounds among us, Leif’s sister, Dawn Lyn, was an accomplished actress on her own, including being the first little girl in Nanny and the Professor’s pilot program. Try that one out for fun at your next cocktail party.

    Leif, like many in the music industry, has had his scrapes with over indulgence in illegal chemicals. In 2001 he completed a court enforced recovery program. Most recently, he just ended a one year relationship.

    I am a big fan of Leif now. During the closing credits of the show, he gave a flawless rendition of classic scenes from Caddyshack… the greatest movie ever made.

    Whom shall he be dating?

    The “Normal” Folks

    Steffanie, is a tall blonde, originally from Hollywood, who seems to have a “really, really weird taste in men”. Oh, and she assures us that she does like to kiss on the first date. I am guessing Leif will be testing that.

    Venus is a physician, and fitness competitor, who looked awfully familiar to me. Where have I seen her before… hmmm… there it is. She was a temptress on the original Temptation Island. Andy said that she was boring, and not nearly as fun as Megan. Ahh, I miss Temptation Island. You know the next edition starts soon, and the FORT will be covering it.

    Date #1 – Steffanie

    Reggie arrives at Steffanie’s apartment, and he shows her the classic teen rock star head shot from Leif’s younger, hair filled, days. She laughs her approval, remembering that many women wanted to go out with Leif back in the day. I say back in the day, because that was over 25 years ago. People change. Would Leif still be a sex symbol?

    They meet at the door and shake hands. Leif is wearing a cowboy hat, and he has brought one for her. First impressions? She likes his rugged and handsome looks. She is happy that he is no longer a skinny musician. He raves about her beautiful green eyes.

    They drive to the first date location, and Leif is chillin’. In fact he says little to nothing, but Steffanie is clearly taken with him.

    They go horseback riding, which is good. Those hats would have been way out of place in LA just about anywhere else. During the ride, Steffanie’s horse was uncooperative, but Leif’s was cool, calm, and collected, just like the rider. They both say little to nothing, but she feels the date is going well. Reggie agrees, and wonders if Leif will get to “saddle her up”. Yeah, he said that. Though the way Reggie says it just cracks me up.

    Time for dinner. Leif changes into a stylish suit, and a new hat, for those of you scoring at home.

    It is time for a toast. During the toast, Leif fails to make eye contact with Steffanie, and this is an apparent serious violation of toasting rules (right up there with burning the toast) in her eyes. Steffanie says that if you don’t look into each others eyes while toasting, you will have seven years of bad sex.

    I expect Reggie to jump in here and say ‘seven years of sex, is still sex, good or bad. Drink up buddy!’, but apparently he is still winded from his time at the dude ranch.

    After dinner, they retire to the bar for some coffee. Another toast, and once again Leif is not making eye contact. You know Leif, she meant bad sex, as in lousy. Not bad sex, as in dirty. Just thought I had better clear that up for you.

    They begin to talk about relationships. Leif admits to just having ended a one-year relationship a couple weeks prior to the date. As in two weeks. I immediately wonder how long he had been booked to be on the show?

    Steffanie is grilling him over all aspects of his dating life. How many relationships? Short or long term? Is one year long term? You know the drill. Leif does too, and he is slumping further in his chair with each question. Then she says it…

    “Do you ever want to get married?”

    Cut to a hilarious scene of Reggie saying “she did not just say that!!”

    But she did, and while Leif continues to be evasive, he never loses his cool exterior. He is truly a laid back kind of guy. Despite the fact that she had to grill him for any answer (and I really expected to see Sipowicz burst into the room and beat a confession out of him), Steffanie is happy with how “candid” Leif is.

    They get ready to leave and to be honest; they both seem pretty comfortable with each other. I guess I am spoiled by Star Dates now. They always seem to find at least one match for every star.

    Steffanie wants to know where the next day’s date will be taking place at. Reggie jokes that she wants to crash the party. The producers probably doubled security based on that comment.

    The date ends with a kiss. Steffanie describes it as a friendly kiss, but that if Leif wanted more, she would not have objected. Uhm, that was pretty obvious all night Steff.

    So what about the music man? He liked Steffanie, but his cool persona doesn’t allow him to show it quite yet. Besides, as he says, you don’t have to act right away. If it is there tonight, it will be there tomorrow.

    Now that is a fine demonstration of groupie-zen.

    Date#2 – Venus

    Reggie arrives at Venus’ townhouse and shows her the headshot. She says “wow” over and over. Then she sums it up for us, saying her first thought was “wow”.

    I immediately wonder if that is her bedside manner. ‘I’m sorry Mr. Smith, but wow!”

    They meet, and exchange a handshake. Leif is far more alert today, and he has donned new headgear. He likes her, and is very attracted to Venus. I can’t say as I blame him. She is hot. During the drive, he is far more engaged in conversation with Venus than he was with Steffanie.

    Their first stop is rock climbing, the indoor variety. Leif goes first, and Venus admires the way his posterior looks in the harness. She is also impressed that he is able to scale the tall wall. That doesn’t stop her from better his time though. Venus is competitive.

    At dinner, they exchange a toast, and Leif is sticking with the no eye contact approach. Once again Leif, we are not talking about bad sex in a good way… never mind.

    They talk about all manner of topics, including human blood, and Venus’ lack of aversion to same. I suppose that is probably a good thing for a doctor. Oh, and not surprisingly, many of Venus’ patients try to hit on her.

    Venus tells Reggie that she is getting very comfortable with Leif. However, this date has all the markings of being in the friend zone.

    The date ends in a mutual friend-like manner, with a peck on the cheek. Both Venus and Leif agree that they enjoy hanging out as buddies.

    Next Week

    E.G. Daily is the next Star Date. Don’t know who that is you say? Sure you do, more than you realize. Check back next week for all the info from this Valley Girl’s adventures.

    Until next week!

    Comments are welcome. Email: bill@fansofrealitytv.com
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

  2. #2
    The race is back! John's Avatar
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    Yes, this is the very same guy who is almost single handedly responsible for men feathering their hair for a decade. That is a whole lot of bad karma built up, and payback sucks. Wouldn’t it be pretty funny to find out he is bald now? Yeah, come on, admit it, it would be funny.
    The class action lawsuit against Leif for hair-feathering crimes is now forming to the rear.

    Tell me more about this 7 years of bad sex - is it every day, or once a week?

    Dr. Venus: "Holy crap, Mr. Jones, I've never seen a lesion THAT nasty before!" - I can picture it now.

    I wait with anticipation to find out who the heck E.G. Daily is...I have no clue.

  3. #3
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Bill, I love your recaps;

    **aaaaaaccccccckkkkkkkkkkooooooo oooooaaaaaaahhh** faint

    I so loved Leif. Had his poster on my wall

    Quote Originally Posted by Bill_in_PDX
    Leif fails to make eye contact with Steffanie, and this is an apparent serious violation of toasting rules (right up there with burning the toast) in her eyes.
    The whole thing was great, but this line cracked me up.

    I too can't wait to find out who E.G. is
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    An innocent bystander nlmcp's Avatar
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    I'm screaming while I read your recap Bill. As for perfectly feathered hair on guys...lets just say I always hated it when my date's hair looked better then my own (Leif just never did it for me, I was more of the Donny Osmond type)
    I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide. Just then I saw a young hawk flyin' and my soul began to rise. ~Bob Seger

  5. #5
    LG.
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    Shriek! [chants] Bill_in_PDX, Bill_in_PDX, Bill_in_PDX [/chanting] *tosses panties at recap*

    Great recap, Bill. I don't believe that Debbie Gibson was ever on Love Boat, but seem to recall the Star Date. This part cracked me up:
    Despite the fact that she had to grill him for any answer (and I really expected to see Sipowicz burst into the room and beat a confession out of him), Steffanie is happy with how “candid” Leif is.
    Leif was very smooth, as are you, Bill Suave.
    Help fight cystic fibrosis or just learn more about it at the cystic fibrosis foundation website, www.cff.org and help give my little guy a better future.

  6. #6
    FORT Fan stebo's Avatar
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    Oh man I am so pumped abot Elizabeth Daily coming on Star Dates. Is she fat now? I had the BIGGEST crush on her as a teenager. My favorite films with her are Valley Girl, Better off Dead (she played "herself" as the singer at the dance - HOT HOT HOT!!!) and of course she will always be Dottie from Pee Wee's Big Adventure! What day/time is that on?
    "'Your best?' Losers always whine about 'their best.' Winners go home and **** the prom queen."

  7. #7
    Loaded God Complex MajiH's Avatar
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    Stebo, I loved her in Valley Girl. One of the best movies ever. Often like to think back on my very own "Valley Girl Speak" book and marvel at the fact I ever learned that useless language.

    Ah, Leif. I had A LOT of room on my walls so there were plenty of posters of him, Donny and the Cassidy boys.

    I miss being a kid!!! WAAAAAAAH!

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