AFL Recap 7/21/03: "Blue Balls and Bull Beaus"

Shayla · 07-22-2003, 07:05 PM

We've heard our parents discuss "Tough Love," especially when they've said, "This'll hurt me more than it'll hurt you." From this basic axiom of human relationships, we understand that to love someone else doesn't necessarily mean to act in a loving manner. It follows then that to love and to inspire love could be as similar as turkey and tofurkey. Forgive me while I commit seppuku, the ancient form of ritual suicide in which a samurai cuts his own stomach, because I love you so much. Also, forgive me while I make a pretty hat out of my recently seppuku-ed intestines, don you with it, and put you on a television program entitled Anything for Love. Thank you for color coordinating your shoes to my duodenum.

This, then, is the recap for the July 21st episode of Anything for Love. I'm filling in for the beautiful and illustrious Firegirl, at her request. Here at the FoRT I am currently a scab, which has nothing to do with the state of my gaping abdomen, but more to do with the fact that labor is in bed with management. Not only that but, as a fill-in writer, I have been led to believe that it is cool to stay up late and write for a bunch of strangers for free. Excuse me while I get my freak on. Firegirl will return next week, and you will even be able to read her recap and keep your lunch down while reading hers, though with this show, one never knows.

If you've read this far, then thank you. I'm new here and don't expect more than four people to read this recap, generously titled

Blue Balls and Bull Beaus
Cameras swoop down on Mark Wahlberg and Claudia DiFolco, while the studio audience applauds. A porn-like track rocks the house, which unconsciously sets us up for a sexy evening of love, pretend-love, and--the biggest aphrodisiac of them all--the ultimatum.

Bull Rider
Adam cheated on Christine, our heroic emcee explains, not once but several times. Adam mentions his "slivered tongue," and Christine mentions that she "gave him the world." It is a scene of biblical proportion, while Christine stands as a judge of Adam's wrongdoings and capacity to change. She is truly a goddess, a Barbie-style goddess, but a beautiful woman nonetheless in a short black silky dress and long wavy blond hair. Adam hopes to wow her with proof that she is truly it for him. But, like Monopoly games, which rarely have occasion to finish, we only have five minutes before we cut to a commercial. No need to offer something truly romantic, such as long epic poetry or a vacation in Paris. (You'd better run for the Pyranees.) Wow her and make it snappy--don't add any whys and wherefores or ums and we've-been-through-so-much-togethers. Or, perhaps, add those and then quickly propose.

Adam barely relieves the pressure from his Proposing Knee before Mark stops everything. BEFORE YOU ANSWER, he intones, we have a clip to show you, Christine. What follows is a bar scene in which the AFL, no doubt the embodiment of Lucifer, plants a sexy cleavage-exposed woman to flirt with Adam and ride a mechanical bull. They show us black-and-white video footage of her bull-riding hips from a security camera, for some reason. So illicit! So dangerous! Contact Intelligence! Adam tells the double-agent she has a perfect body and writes his phone number on her hand. She tells all to the viewing audience. Adam retorts that he was a joke to her. Mark wonders why, when Adam had the chance to redeem himself, he chose to be a playah. Mark, "why you have to be a playah-hatah? Run to Degobah. Run to Degobah." Intermission: Is Mark really Luke Skywalker? For Star Wars Gangsta Rap (Macromedia Flash Player required) click here.

Christine strikes Adam down with a lightening bolt, even though Adam admits to only flirting with the other woman. He knew it was a set-up. Adam, who secretly kept a secondary girlfriend for a year while professing to be Christine's boyfriend, knew that if he messed up one more time then it would be over. Christine, with the help of a few cameras and trial lawyer game show hosts, knows how to spot bull. The mechanical bull was no golden calf, but Christine saw enough and, verily, she smote her victim.

Eros Doesn't Live Here, in the Embassy Suites, Anymore
Mark reminds us now that the wedding day is a woman's "most treasured day." I didn't know what I should treasure until now.

Eric and Lisa have dated for a year and a half. Eric, gap-toothed and charming, recently bought his own house and discusses his financial with-it-ness. Lisa is about to graduate from college. She has a whole life ahead of her, which she could potentially treasure. Eric knows that, were he to propose marriage, she might feel "trapped." Although it would help to ASK HER HOW SHE FEELS, instead he chooses to combine a proposal with a nuptial in a fruit cocktail the producers call a "surprise wedding." Add a dash of tequila to mine.

Lisa thinks she is running an errand, but really she will be surprised with a full wedding set-up in a hotel room turned wedding chapel. The producers surprise Eric with a special shipment: his mother. They hug. Eric asks Lisa's parents for her hand in marriage. Her parents rabidly agree. In fact, Lisa's dad gets down on his knees and exclaims "Bless you!" to Eric. He likes the idea, but is he aware that the marriage will happen presently? Mark pulls back a curtain to reveal the immediacy of the situation. Lisa's dad wants to make it home in time for Paradise Hotel, so he checks his wristwatch. Yes, there will be time, "there will be time/ To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet. . .Time for you and time for me,/ And time yet for a hundred indecisions,/ And for a hundred visions and revisions,/ Before the taking of a toast and tea." Intermission: For the eccentric musings of T.S. Eliot's aging and weathered J. Alfred Prufrock, click here.

Lisa's dad posits that Lisa does not like surprises. Lisa's friends say that Lisa likes Eric but they "just don't know." Eric, tender-hearted soul that he is, tells the viewers that, if she says no, he will be "out the door." Hi, I'm Mike Wahlberg, and you're not on Candid Camera. But you are about to be veiled and ushered down the aisle, which is really not an aisle, but a section of dingy hotel room carpeting. Cue the Psycho music and shots of Eric and Lisa's relatives. Will she say yes? Yes. Lisa tells us that she never thought she would get married in "sandals and chewing gum." I have to agree that that outfit made of chewing gum is quite tacky.

Brandy, You're a Fine Girl (For Me to Belch On)
"Brandy has no idea why she's here." Sigh. Do any of us know why we're here? Brandy sits among a clapping audience. She is nervous. Mark tells her that a young man has a message for her. It is: "There is no room for you in the bomb shelter." Woops. I've gotten my signals crossed. The message is a video clip from her good ol' pal Michael who secretly is in love with her. He has been gentlemanly up to this point, but he thinks that Brandy is hot. He can watch sports, drink beer, and belch on her. Is this what guys have wanted all along? Because, if so, I've been really out of the loop.

Michael tells us that he doesn't have a six-pack but that he's "got a keg right here." Extreme close-up on Michael's crotch. Yes, his crotch. Someone needs to pump that keg, I guess. Or does he mean "powder keg"? Some part of his anatomy is about to explode. Don't you guys say "blue balls" anymore? I've got to hand it to Michael; that's not a bad analogy. I suppose it wouldn't have had the same effect for him to say, "I've got my carafe of Brandy right here."

Anyway, Michael wants to give her everything she wants, including massive amounts of belching. Given his keg-size accoutrements, Brandy would be likely to belch as well, were she to perform certain tasks. Before the commercial break, he tells Brandy that he is in love with her. She half-smiles and looks to the side in a classic "Whatever" expression, while Mark announces that Michael's destiny will be decided tonight. AFL is now in charge of destiny, and Mark is its fortune-teller. Unlike Paulie, FoRT's pre-eminent Survivor pre-capper, Mark is a crackpot. Intermission: Avoid the high prices of 1-900 numbers! For the preternatural visions of the FoRT's own psychic, click here.

We return from the commercial. Mark kindly informs Michael that Brandy is out of his league. Michael tells Brandy that for five years she's loved him "as a person," as opposed to an alien with beer for semen. If Brandy chooses Michael, she will spend a romantic weekend with him. Michael assures her that he will love her regardless of her choice. All is well in Toonsville, my young children, because Brandy weeps, was hoping the special message in question was from him, and tells Michael that the past was inopportune. They were in other relationships. They kiss and hug and Mark offers them a weekend getaway package, replete with a cabin for their consensual beer-guzzling experiences. Sigh. It's truly touching and all that.

Mark and Claudia bid us adieu and Claudia nee Vanna White reads her only cue card, a well-rehearsed "Good night."

Good night, Claudia.
Good night, Moon.
Good night, Strange Beer-Semen Man.
Good night, Europa.

Tune in next time for more heart-breaking and faux-romantic moments. Or, if you really don't watch this show, return next week anyway for a witty recap by Firegirl. It will be less cryptic than this one, I assure you. Also, Firegirl isn't on crack. To contact her, write to firegirl@fansofrealitytv.com. To contact me, write to shayla@fansofrealitytv.com.

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JR. · 07-22-2003, 07:27 PM

Quote:

He can watch sports, drink beer, and belch on her. Is this what guys have wanted all along? Because, if so, I've been really out of the loop.

What? You didn't get the memo?

Great job Shayla

discodiva1213 · 07-22-2003, 09:26 PM

I was waiting forever for them to show Eric and Lesa, and they cut out almost everything that happened. I was there, I'm her best friend, the drama of me coming in late and her not having a maid of honor, that was never shown, and Eric's best man was never shown. They didn't show the toasts or the cake cutting. weh. How disappointing. They didn't show me. oh well..she is still having a wonderful REAL wedding that i will be part of and i will be in that video.

Xantham Gum · 07-23-2003, 12:57 PM

Wow, I was really surprised that Brandy said yes to Michael! I was sure that once his chubby self got into the "friend zone" with a hot girl like Brandy, that he would forever be a resident there. That Brandy hoped it would be him was very fulfilling and gives me hope that not all women will only look at jerks like that Adam hosebag. What a fratboy idiot, thank God even the dim blonde could (eventually) see through him (as long as they actually presented her with video evidence).

I was hoping the keg was supposed to be his gut and the cameraman was just dozing that day and panned down too far...

SnowflakeGirl · 07-23-2003, 10:59 PM

Great recap, Shayla. With your Byzantine imagination and vast erudition, you're sort of like the Jorge Luis Borges of recappers!

Please don't commit seppuku, I look forward to more of your writing!!!!!

Shayla · 07-24-2003, 03:02 AM

Heehee. I'll put away my katana. (What sword is it that one commits seppuku with anyway?) Thanks for the compliments. It's my first recap, so I feel all giddy and embarrassed, like I've eaten a cookie and wasn't allowed to.

And welcome to the FoRT, discodiva! I hope your disappointment with the show doesn't keep you from visiting our most excellent website.

I agree, XanthanGum! Michael was witty and sweet. Was the "keg" his gut? Then, I really shouldn't have been staring at his *cough* tap.

greenie · 07-24-2003, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Not only that but, as a fill-in writer, I have been led to believe that it is cool to stay up late and write for a bunch of strangers for free.

Yeah. How is this cool again?

Quote:

Mark tells her that a young man has a message for her. It is: "There is no room for you in the bomb shelter." Woops. I've gotten my signals crossed. The message is a video clip from her good ol' pal Michael who secretly is in love with her. He has been gentlemanly up to this point, but he thinks that Brandy is hot. He can watch sports, drink beer, and belch on her. Is this what guys have wanted all along? Because, if so, I've been really out of the loop.

So this is the answer all along!

Quote:

Michael tells us that he doesn't have a six-pack but that he's "got a keg right here." Extreme close-up on Michael's crotch. Yes, his crotch. Someone needs to pump that keg, I guess. Or does he mean "powder keg"? Some part of his anatomy is about to explode. Don't you guys say "blue balls" anymore? I've got to hand it to Michael; that's not a bad analogy. I suppose it wouldn't have had the same effect for him to say, "I've got my carafe of Brandy right here."

I didn't watch this show Shayla, but that was a great recap!

LG. · 07-25-2003, 12:08 AM

Super recap Shayla

I think you've captured this show perfectly right with this:

Quote:

A porn-like track rocks the house, which unconsciously sets us up for a sexy evening of love, pretend-love, and--the biggest aphrodisiac of them all--the ultimatum.

07-22-2003, 07:05 PM	#1
Shayla FORT Spaghettio Join Date: Feb 2003 Age: 36 Posts: 1,408	AFL Recap 7/21/03: "Blue Balls and Bull Beaus" We've heard our parents discuss "Tough Love," especially when they've said, "This'll hurt me more than it'll hurt you." From this basic axiom of human relationships, we understand that to love someone else doesn't necessarily mean to act in a loving manner. It follows then that to love and to inspire love could be as similar as turkey and tofurkey. Forgive me while I commit seppuku, the ancient form of ritual suicide in which a samurai cuts his own stomach, because I love you so much. Also, forgive me while I make a pretty hat out of my recently seppuku-ed intestines, don you with it, and put you on a television program entitled Anything for Love. Thank you for color coordinating your shoes to my duodenum. This, then, is the recap for the July 21st episode of Anything for Love. I'm filling in for the beautiful and illustrious Firegirl, at her request. Here at the FoRT I am currently a scab, which has nothing to do with the state of my gaping abdomen, but more to do with the fact that labor is in bed with management. Not only that but, as a fill-in writer, I have been led to believe that it is cool to stay up late and write for a bunch of strangers for free. Excuse me while I get my freak on. Firegirl will return next week, and you will even be able to read her recap and keep your lunch down while reading hers, though with this show, one never knows. If you've read this far, then thank you. I'm new here and don't expect more than four people to read this recap, generously titled Blue Balls and Bull Beaus Cameras swoop down on Mark Wahlberg and Claudia DiFolco, while the studio audience applauds. A porn-like track rocks the house, which unconsciously sets us up for a sexy evening of love, pretend-love, and--the biggest aphrodisiac of them all--the ultimatum. Bull Rider Adam cheated on Christine, our heroic emcee explains, not once but several times. Adam mentions his "slivered tongue," and Christine mentions that she "gave him the world." It is a scene of biblical proportion, while Christine stands as a judge of Adam's wrongdoings and capacity to change. She is truly a goddess, a Barbie-style goddess, but a beautiful woman nonetheless in a short black silky dress and long wavy blond hair. Adam hopes to wow her with proof that she is truly it for him. But, like Monopoly games, which rarely have occasion to finish, we only have five minutes before we cut to a commercial. No need to offer something truly romantic, such as long epic poetry or a vacation in Paris. (You'd better run for the Pyranees.) Wow her and make it snappy--don't add any whys and wherefores or ums and we've-been-through-so-much-togethers. Or, perhaps, add those and then quickly propose. Adam barely relieves the pressure from his Proposing Knee before Mark stops everything. BEFORE YOU ANSWER, he intones, we have a clip to show you, Christine. What follows is a bar scene in which the AFL, no doubt the embodiment of Lucifer, plants a sexy cleavage-exposed woman to flirt with Adam and ride a mechanical bull. They show us black-and-white video footage of her bull-riding hips from a security camera, for some reason. So illicit! So dangerous! Contact Intelligence! Adam tells the double-agent she has a perfect body and writes his phone number on her hand. She tells all to the viewing audience. Adam retorts that he was a joke to her. Mark wonders why, when Adam had the chance to redeem himself, he chose to be a playah. Mark, "why you have to be a playah-hatah? Run to Degobah. Run to Degobah." Intermission: Is Mark really Luke Skywalker? For Star Wars Gangsta Rap (Macromedia Flash Player required) click here. Christine strikes Adam down with a lightening bolt, even though Adam admits to only flirting with the other woman. He knew it was a set-up. Adam, who secretly kept a secondary girlfriend for a year while professing to be Christine's boyfriend, knew that if he messed up one more time then it would be over. Christine, with the help of a few cameras and trial lawyer game show hosts, knows how to spot bull. The mechanical bull was no golden calf, but Christine saw enough and, verily, she smote her victim. Eros Doesn't Live Here, in the Embassy Suites, Anymore Mark reminds us now that the wedding day is a woman's "most treasured day." I didn't know what I should treasure until now. Eric and Lisa have dated for a year and a half. Eric, gap-toothed and charming, recently bought his own house and discusses his financial with-it-ness. Lisa is about to graduate from college. She has a whole life ahead of her, which she could potentially treasure. Eric knows that, were he to propose marriage, she might feel "trapped." Although it would help to ASK HER HOW SHE FEELS, instead he chooses to combine a proposal with a nuptial in a fruit cocktail the producers call a "surprise wedding." Add a dash of tequila to mine. Lisa thinks she is running an errand, but really she will be surprised with a full wedding set-up in a hotel room turned wedding chapel. The producers surprise Eric with a special shipment: his mother. They hug. Eric asks Lisa's parents for her hand in marriage. Her parents rabidly agree. In fact, Lisa's dad gets down on his knees and exclaims "Bless you!" to Eric. He likes the idea, but is he aware that the marriage will happen presently? Mark pulls back a curtain to reveal the immediacy of the situation. Lisa's dad wants to make it home in time for Paradise Hotel, so he checks his wristwatch. Yes, there will be time, "there will be time/ To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet. . .Time for you and time for me,/ And time yet for a hundred indecisions,/ And for a hundred visions and revisions,/ Before the taking of a toast and tea." Intermission: For the eccentric musings of T.S. Eliot's aging and weathered J. Alfred Prufrock, click here. Lisa's dad posits that Lisa does not like surprises. Lisa's friends say that Lisa likes Eric but they "just don't know." Eric, tender-hearted soul that he is, tells the viewers that, if she says no, he will be "out the door." Hi, I'm Mike Wahlberg, and you're not on Candid Camera. But you are about to be veiled and ushered down the aisle, which is really not an aisle, but a section of dingy hotel room carpeting. Cue the Psycho music and shots of Eric and Lisa's relatives. Will she say yes? Yes. Lisa tells us that she never thought she would get married in "sandals and chewing gum." I have to agree that that outfit made of chewing gum is quite tacky. Brandy, You're a Fine Girl (For Me to Belch On) "Brandy has no idea why she's here." Sigh. Do any of us know why we're here? Brandy sits among a clapping audience. She is nervous. Mark tells her that a young man has a message for her. It is: "There is no room for you in the bomb shelter." Woops. I've gotten my signals crossed. The message is a video clip from her good ol' pal Michael who secretly is in love with her. He has been gentlemanly up to this point, but he thinks that Brandy is hot. He can watch sports, drink beer, and belch on her. Is this what guys have wanted all along? Because, if so, I've been really out of the loop. Michael tells us that he doesn't have a six-pack but that he's "got a keg right here." Extreme close-up on Michael's crotch. Yes, his crotch. Someone needs to pump that keg, I guess. Or does he mean "powder keg"? Some part of his anatomy is about to explode. Don't you guys say "blue balls" anymore? I've got to hand it to Michael; that's not a bad analogy. I suppose it wouldn't have had the same effect for him to say, "I've got my carafe of Brandy right here." Anyway, Michael wants to give her everything she wants, including massive amounts of belching. Given his keg-size accoutrements, Brandy would be likely to belch as well, were she to perform certain tasks. Before the commercial break, he tells Brandy that he is in love with her. She half-smiles and looks to the side in a classic "Whatever" expression, while Mark announces that Michael's destiny will be decided tonight. AFL is now in charge of destiny, and Mark is its fortune-teller. Unlike Paulie, FoRT's pre-eminent Survivor pre-capper, Mark is a crackpot. Intermission: Avoid the high prices of 1-900 numbers! For the preternatural visions of the FoRT's own psychic, click here. We return from the commercial. Mark kindly informs Michael that Brandy is out of his league. Michael tells Brandy that for five years she's loved him "as a person," as opposed to an alien with beer for semen. If Brandy chooses Michael, she will spend a romantic weekend with him. Michael assures her that he will love her regardless of her choice. All is well in Toonsville, my young children, because Brandy weeps, was hoping the special message in question was from him, and tells Michael that the past was inopportune. They were in other relationships. They kiss and hug and Mark offers them a weekend getaway package, replete with a cabin for their consensual beer-guzzling experiences. Sigh. It's truly touching and all that. Mark and Claudia bid us adieu and Claudia nee Vanna White reads her only cue card, a well-rehearsed "Good night." Good night, Claudia. Good night, Moon. Good night, Strange Beer-Semen Man. Good night, Europa. Tune in next time for more heart-breaking and faux-romantic moments. Or, if you really don't watch this show, return next week anyway for a witty recap by Firegirl. It will be less cryptic than this one, I assure you. Also, Firegirl isn't on crack. To contact her, write to firegirl@fansofrealitytv.com. To contact me, write to shayla@fansofrealitytv.com.

07-22-2003, 09:26 PM	#3
discodiva1213 FORT Newbie Join Date: Jul 2003 Posts: 1	what a crock I was waiting forever for them to show Eric and Lesa, and they cut out almost everything that happened. I was there, I'm her best friend, the drama of me coming in late and her not having a maid of honor, that was never shown, and Eric's best man was never shown. They didn't show the toasts or the cake cutting. weh. How disappointing. They didn't show me. oh well..she is still having a wonderful REAL wedding that i will be part of and i will be in that video.

07-23-2003, 10:59 PM	#5
SnowflakeGirl Picture Perfect Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: In the Limelight Posts: 7,348	Great recap, Shayla. With your Byzantine imagination and vast erudition, you're sort of like the Jorge Luis Borges of recappers! Please don't commit seppuku, I look forward to more of your writing!!!!! __________________ *Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl* All New AMERICA'S TOP MODEL Recaps! Premiere Pt. 1 & Pt. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Dinah's Dynamite Ep. 5, Ep. 6, Ep. 7, Ep. 8, Ep. 9, Ep. 10, Ep. 11, Finale Relive every beautiful moment of America's Next Top Model...Click here for links to prior season recaps & interviews.

07-23-2003, 12:57 PM	#4
Xantham Gum Artificial Flave Join Date: Dec 2002 Posts: 364	Wow, I was really surprised that Brandy said yes to Michael! I was sure that once his chubby self got into the "friend zone" with a hot girl like Brandy, that he would forever be a resident there. That Brandy hoped it would be him was very fulfilling and gives me hope that not all women will only look at jerks like that Adam hosebag. What a fratboy idiot, thank God even the dim blonde could (eventually) see through him (as long as they actually presented her with video evidence). I was hoping the keg was supposed to be his gut and the cameraman was just dozing that day and panned down too far...

07-24-2003, 03:02 AM	#6
Shayla FORT Spaghettio Join Date: Feb 2003 Age: 36 Posts: 1,408	Heehee. I'll put away my katana. (What sword is it that one commits seppuku with anyway?) Thanks for the compliments. It's my first recap, so I feel all giddy and embarrassed, like I've eaten a cookie and wasn't allowed to. And welcome to the FoRT, discodiva! I hope your disappointment with the show doesn't keep you from visiting our most excellent website. I agree, XanthanGum! Michael was witty and sweet. Was the "keg" his gut? Then, I really shouldn't have been staring at his cough tap.