Leave your dignity at the door - Anything For Love recap, 7/14/03

**Amanda** · 07-15-2003, 03:28 PM

Okay, this is my first time trying to do a recap, so go easy on me.

Natalie and Collier - “Just take this magazine and this vial. If I recall correctly, it won't take long.”
It reads like the quintessential fairy tale romance: Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets asked for a healthy helping of sperm from girl a year and a half post-breakup. Ah, love!

Our princess in this fiasco - err, fairy tale is Natalie, a 30-something blonde from Louisiana who is desperate to have a child. Our prince, Collier, is ten years her junior and lives in Los Angeles. They met when Natalie traveled to L.A., and a perfect whirlwind affair ensued. Alas, as with all whirlwind romances, it ended shortly and Natalie went back to Louisiana. But in the year and a half since they’ve been apart, neither of them has forgotten the other, and each is eager to reconnect - albeit for very different reasons.

Wasting no time, Natalie flies out to Los Angeles and Collier meets her in the hotel room. They embrace, and I notice that Collier is wearing a denim jacket with arms made from what appears to be beef jerky. Possibly beef-flavored fruit roll-ups. Natalie, however, is willing to overlook this transgression, as the rampant ticking of her biological clock has evidently rendered her temporarily insane, Telltale Heart style.

They adjourn to the balcony for a romantic dinner. The balcony offers Collier a fairly direct escape route, and I’m hoping he makes note of this. Unfortunately, instead of jumping for his life, he tells Natalie that he’d like to give their relationship another go-round. Poor, stupid Collier. Natalie, in true reality dating show fashion, tells Collier “I have a better idea.” By this of course she means the worst idea ever, but Collier is a sport, so he allows her to blindfold him and lead him upstairs.

This excursion leads us to what has to make the list of the top ten creepiest moments ever in the history of men who thought they were about to get laid. Natalie sits Collier down on the bed and tells him to remove his blindfold. Instead of the candles and satin sheets for which he was hoping, he opens his eyes to find - you guessed it - baby stuff. A cradle, a gigantic baby bottle, the requisite scary clown lamp, and a cheap looking plastic baby doll. If Guinness has a record for quickest arousal turnaround time, I’d respectfully like to submit Collier’s experience. Natalie starts in on her eloquent (read: “awkward and embarrassing”) spiel. In point-blank fashion, she lets Collier know that it’s time for her to procreate, and he’s the lucky winner in the “I want your baby” sweepstakes. Ed McMahon never saw this one coming.

Collier looks understandably confused. Yes, he just asked to rekindle their romance, but he was thinking a little more along the lines of a movie next Saturday night. Before he can even express his befuddlement, Natalie puts the icing on the cake. “I don’t want you to be involved with the baby.” Oh, you don’t? Well, THAT makes it better. To Collier’s credit, his face shows all of the appropriate expressions that a situation such as this would warrant: disbelief, anxiety, discomfort and a little thing I like to call “are you out of your ever-loving mind, you raving psychopath?”. Although Natalie plays the sympathy card - “I don’t have much time left” - Collier stays strong. “No, I can’t do this. No way.” Atta boy, Collier. Told ya you should’ve jumped. And lose the jacket while you’re at it. The two embrace again, and I’m hoping not to see a hypodermic needle in Natalie’s left hand and a sterile container in her right. Luckily the segment ends without further incident, and they go their separate ways. Get thee to a sperm bank, Natalie!

Luke and Helena - “Lights, Camera, Sucker!”
Luke and Helena have been dating for nearly seven years. Well, sort of. See, Luke tells us that their relationship is much like a rollercoaster (because that’s an analogy that’s never been used before). They average about one breakup per year, all due to Helena’s wandering eye - as well as a few of her other body parts, I’d wager. Luke tells us “I must really be in love with her to keep taking her back.” My take on that is a little bit different. Replace “in love with her” with “as stupid as a bag of hammers”, and we might be on to something. Word of advice: don’t take the lyrics to “Self Esteem” by the Offspring as gospel. He says that aside from the matter of trust and honesty, Helena is everything he wants in a woman. Just like aside from that little matter of cannibalism, Jeffery Dahmer is everything you’d want in a neighbor. He gave Helena a “promise ring”. He also evidently gave her his testicles.

Anything For Love has designed a clever little ploy of setting up a photo shoot for Helena at a local gym. Now, at this point I become suspicious that the show is rigged. Unless Helena is as clueless as Luke, she can’t really think that she’d legitimately be asked to model for anything. She is, to put it mildly, scary-looking. Think Christina Aguilera after a heroin binge. I keep expecting the skin on her face to split open and reveal the teradactyl underneath. However, she loves having her picture taken, and loves the cute photographer even more. She acts in a fairly appropriate manner until the photographer leaves the room for a moment. At this point she starts mouthing the words “Oh my God.” and is mock fanning herself in response to his hotness. I only hope that someone else was in the room with her, because otherwise this would be a really embarrassing thing to have caught on tape. Upon his return, they waste no time in making plans for that evening.

As Luke is watching these events transpire, he’s getting noticeably upset. I really feel bad for this guy, because despite having zero self-esteem, he seems nice. He goes to confront Helena after uttering the words “You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites.” Nice one, Luke.

As he walks into the gym, he tells Helena how difficult it was to watch the whole photo shoot. He honestly looks like he’s ready to cry. Maybe the show isn’t rigged after all. Helena says “How do you think that makes me feel?” Hey Helena - you’re the one who messed up here. Get out of “me me me” mode long enough to realize what you’ve done. Luke takes off after telling her that he’s done with this whole scene. Good for you, Luke. Helena now looks shaken, and tells us that she was just enjoying the attention, since she doesn’t usually get much. That I believe. She also says how she wants to marry Luke. Good luck, princess.

But wait. There’s a footnote to our story. Luke took Helena back. Surprised? Yeah, neither was I. They’re going to couples counseling. I can only hope that they each get some individual sessions as well.

Roxanne and Brian - “There’s a fine line between true love and psychosis.”
In our final segment of the evening, we’re introduced to Roxanne, an audience member. Roxanne and Brian were high school sweethearts, and she’s never gotten him out of her system. Did I mention that they graduated from high school 18 years ago? Though she hasn’t seen him in forever, no man has ever been able to compare to him.

Mark Walberg finally earns his paycheck as he interviews Roxanne, still sitting in the audience. “I’m holding your hand, and I can feel you vibrating.” Ladies, Roxanne will be on sale in the back pages of Cosmo this fall. Double A batteries not included. Mark tells us that Brian is backstage, and “should we bring him out?” No, Mark. Let’s not. Brian comes out anyway, and is told that there’s someone out there who never stopped loving him and, in fact, thinks he might be her “last chance”. This is the point at which I’d be scoping out the nearest exit, but Brian smiles and holds his ground.

Cue video of Roxanne waxing poetic. They dated from their junior year in high school through her first year of college, until Brian told her he was engaged to someone else. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing Brian had some overlap action going on there. That was the last time Roxanne saw him. Recently she came across some music that the two of them had written together way back when, which rekindled her thoughts of him. She began to fantasize about the life they could have had together, and decided to email him to say hello. He responded, letting her know that he’s now divorced. A-ha! She sees her chance. Her chance to email him back and begin a normal dialogue? No, you silly thing. Her chance to bring him on a cheesy reality show, something which most people would find embarrassing as hell.

While watching the video, Brian seems pleased, if not overwhelmed by emotion. As it ends, Roxanne is brought out on stage and they hug. Brian thinks that Roxanne looks beautiful, Roxanne thinks he looks wonderful too. He claims to have thought about her daily since their breakup. Roxanne can top that. She tells Brian that she has always loved him very, very much. In fact, she “loves him more than anybody else in the whole world.”

Okay, I need to break in here. A) She hasn’t seen him in 18 years. To still love him more than anyone is just plain wrong. B) Can you imagine being a friend or family member of hers at that moment? Her poor mother is sitting at home, weeping quietly, wondering where she went wrong. C) I’m all for romance, but if Brian had any sense, he would’ve pulled a roadrunner off of the stage, leaving nothing but little puffs of Brian-shaped dust in his wake. Oddly, Brian seems to be eating this up, and when she asks if he’d like to give their relationship another shot, he eagerly agrees. Weirdo.

So there you have it, folks. A real-life happy ending, courtesy of the altruistic folks of Fox. And you thought Rupert Murdoch only wanted to make money.

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LG. · 07-15-2003, 04:15 PM

Super recap, AGJ, and welcome to the writers crew.

Thanks so much for these insightful comments:

Quote:

If Guinness has a record for quickest arousal turnaround time, I’d respectfully like to submit Collier’s experience. Natalie starts in on her eloquent (read: “awkward and embarrassing”) spiel. In point-blank fashion, she lets Collier know that it’s time for her to procreate, and he’s the lucky winner in the “I want your baby” sweepstakes. Ed McMahon never saw this one coming.

Poor Ed McMahon, that would have driven him to drink I fear.

Shayla · 07-15-2003, 04:42 PM

Extremely funny stuff, aj! Witty subheadings and commentary. I cracked up at this moment, among many others:

Quote:

Mark Walberg finally earns his paycheck as he interviews Roxanne, still sitting in the audience. “I’m holding your hand, and I can feel you vibrating.” Ladies, Roxanne will be on sale in the back pages of Cosmo this fall. Double A batteries not included.

Nebraskababe · 07-15-2003, 04:52 PM

I've been searching all morning for a recap of that episode, so THANK YOU, for such a great play by play.

I went to high school with Brian and Roxane! A friend of mine called last
night to tell me that he saw them on this new reality show called "Anything for Love." I hadn't heard of it, and so didn't catch the show. Brian and Roxane were two kids with tons of musical talent in
high school, and we always knew they'd get out of small town Nebraska
and make something of themselves. I went to college a year with Brian,
and that's when he dumped Roxane, also dumped the sister of my best
friend whom he was ALSO dating, and got engaged (out of the blue) to
this chick who had the lead in the college musical with him. (Uh...Roxane
and my friend's sister had leads with him in high school musicals. There
seems to be a pattern!) Brian and I were close friends until he got
engaged to that chick. He went off to the seminary later, and became
a religious music producer. He had kids. As far as I knew, he was still
married! So I was freaked beyond belief to hear about all this!

Roxane moved to California, and has made a name for herself in the
Beverly Hills/Hollywood areas as a singer. You can listen to her stuff
here:

http://search.mp3.com/bin/search?query=roxane-rox

If you knew her in high school, you'd understand why she seemed
psychotic about Brian. I really think she has loved him all these
years, because they were REALLY in love w/ each other back
then...well, as much as two high school kids can be. We all thought
they'd end up married. Hey, maybe it will work out this time.

I just had to write, because I couldn't find JACK SHIT anywhere
else about the episode! So thanks for your synopsis!

:-)

firegirl · 07-15-2003, 05:22 PM

Fantastic job! clouds of Brian shaped dust! wonderful!!!!

hazyshadeof · 07-15-2003, 05:45 PM

I don't watch this show... just wanted to throw a few props and kudos your way aj.

Well done.

**Amanda** · 07-15-2003, 07:43 PM

(Pssst, hazy. I don't watch the show either. Last night was a fluke.

)

Thanks for all the nice words, everyone! And thanks, Nebraskababe, for the extra insight.

greenie · 07-15-2003, 08:31 PM

Aj, I watched this show last night. God knows why. You're recap is fantastic though and comments on a lot of things I thought. I especially liked the vibrating Roxanne comments. That was exactly what was going through my mind.

JR. · 07-16-2003, 12:32 AM

Great job Amanda! Dead on with Luke and Helena, I so badly wanted to slap him.

Bumpkin · 07-16-2003, 03:38 AM

aww, Amanda -- that was wonderful! you truly had me sputtering onto my screen. I watched the show last night and your recap was dead on.

And had me

You're the best!

07-15-2003, 03:28 PM	#1
Amanda Ice Cold Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 9,875	Leave your dignity at the door - Anything For Love recap, 7/14/03 Okay, this is my first time trying to do a recap, so go easy on me. Natalie and Collier - “Just take this magazine and this vial. If I recall correctly, it won't take long.” It reads like the quintessential fairy tale romance: Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets asked for a healthy helping of sperm from girl a year and a half post-breakup. Ah, love! Our princess in this fiasco - err, fairy tale is Natalie, a 30-something blonde from Louisiana who is desperate to have a child. Our prince, Collier, is ten years her junior and lives in Los Angeles. They met when Natalie traveled to L.A., and a perfect whirlwind affair ensued. Alas, as with all whirlwind romances, it ended shortly and Natalie went back to Louisiana. But in the year and a half since they’ve been apart, neither of them has forgotten the other, and each is eager to reconnect - albeit for very different reasons. Wasting no time, Natalie flies out to Los Angeles and Collier meets her in the hotel room. They embrace, and I notice that Collier is wearing a denim jacket with arms made from what appears to be beef jerky. Possibly beef-flavored fruit roll-ups. Natalie, however, is willing to overlook this transgression, as the rampant ticking of her biological clock has evidently rendered her temporarily insane, Telltale Heart style. They adjourn to the balcony for a romantic dinner. The balcony offers Collier a fairly direct escape route, and I’m hoping he makes note of this. Unfortunately, instead of jumping for his life, he tells Natalie that he’d like to give their relationship another go-round. Poor, stupid Collier. Natalie, in true reality dating show fashion, tells Collier “I have a better idea.” By this of course she means the worst idea ever, but Collier is a sport, so he allows her to blindfold him and lead him upstairs. This excursion leads us to what has to make the list of the top ten creepiest moments ever in the history of men who thought they were about to get laid. Natalie sits Collier down on the bed and tells him to remove his blindfold. Instead of the candles and satin sheets for which he was hoping, he opens his eyes to find - you guessed it - baby stuff. A cradle, a gigantic baby bottle, the requisite scary clown lamp, and a cheap looking plastic baby doll. If Guinness has a record for quickest arousal turnaround time, I’d respectfully like to submit Collier’s experience. Natalie starts in on her eloquent (read: “awkward and embarrassing”) spiel. In point-blank fashion, she lets Collier know that it’s time for her to procreate, and he’s the lucky winner in the “I want your baby” sweepstakes. Ed McMahon never saw this one coming. Collier looks understandably confused. Yes, he just asked to rekindle their romance, but he was thinking a little more along the lines of a movie next Saturday night. Before he can even express his befuddlement, Natalie puts the icing on the cake. “I don’t want you to be involved with the baby.” Oh, you don’t? Well, THAT makes it better. To Collier’s credit, his face shows all of the appropriate expressions that a situation such as this would warrant: disbelief, anxiety, discomfort and a little thing I like to call “are you out of your ever-loving mind, you raving psychopath?”. Although Natalie plays the sympathy card - “I don’t have much time left” - Collier stays strong. “No, I can’t do this. No way.” Atta boy, Collier. Told ya you should’ve jumped. And lose the jacket while you’re at it. The two embrace again, and I’m hoping not to see a hypodermic needle in Natalie’s left hand and a sterile container in her right. Luckily the segment ends without further incident, and they go their separate ways. Get thee to a sperm bank, Natalie! Luke and Helena - “Lights, Camera, Sucker!” Luke and Helena have been dating for nearly seven years. Well, sort of. See, Luke tells us that their relationship is much like a rollercoaster (because that’s an analogy that’s never been used before). They average about one breakup per year, all due to Helena’s wandering eye - as well as a few of her other body parts, I’d wager. Luke tells us “I must really be in love with her to keep taking her back.” My take on that is a little bit different. Replace “in love with her” with “as stupid as a bag of hammers”, and we might be on to something. Word of advice: don’t take the lyrics to “Self Esteem” by the Offspring as gospel. He says that aside from the matter of trust and honesty, Helena is everything he wants in a woman. Just like aside from that little matter of cannibalism, Jeffery Dahmer is everything you’d want in a neighbor. He gave Helena a “promise ring”. He also evidently gave her his testicles. Anything For Love has designed a clever little ploy of setting up a photo shoot for Helena at a local gym. Now, at this point I become suspicious that the show is rigged. Unless Helena is as clueless as Luke, she can’t really think that she’d legitimately be asked to model for anything. She is, to put it mildly, scary-looking. Think Christina Aguilera after a heroin binge. I keep expecting the skin on her face to split open and reveal the teradactyl underneath. However, she loves having her picture taken, and loves the cute photographer even more. She acts in a fairly appropriate manner until the photographer leaves the room for a moment. At this point she starts mouthing the words “Oh my God.” and is mock fanning herself in response to his hotness. I only hope that someone else was in the room with her, because otherwise this would be a really embarrassing thing to have caught on tape. Upon his return, they waste no time in making plans for that evening. As Luke is watching these events transpire, he’s getting noticeably upset. I really feel bad for this guy, because despite having zero self-esteem, he seems nice. He goes to confront Helena after uttering the words “You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites.” Nice one, Luke. As he walks into the gym, he tells Helena how difficult it was to watch the whole photo shoot. He honestly looks like he’s ready to cry. Maybe the show isn’t rigged after all. Helena says “How do you think that makes me feel?” Hey Helena - you’re the one who messed up here. Get out of “me me me” mode long enough to realize what you’ve done. Luke takes off after telling her that he’s done with this whole scene. Good for you, Luke. Helena now looks shaken, and tells us that she was just enjoying the attention, since she doesn’t usually get much. That I believe. She also says how she wants to marry Luke. Good luck, princess. But wait. There’s a footnote to our story. Luke took Helena back. Surprised? Yeah, neither was I. They’re going to couples counseling. I can only hope that they each get some individual sessions as well. Roxanne and Brian - “There’s a fine line between true love and psychosis.” In our final segment of the evening, we’re introduced to Roxanne, an audience member. Roxanne and Brian were high school sweethearts, and she’s never gotten him out of her system. Did I mention that they graduated from high school 18 years ago? Though she hasn’t seen him in forever, no man has ever been able to compare to him. Mark Walberg finally earns his paycheck as he interviews Roxanne, still sitting in the audience. “I’m holding your hand, and I can feel you vibrating.” Ladies, Roxanne will be on sale in the back pages of Cosmo this fall. Double A batteries not included. Mark tells us that Brian is backstage, and “should we bring him out?” No, Mark. Let’s not. Brian comes out anyway, and is told that there’s someone out there who never stopped loving him and, in fact, thinks he might be her “last chance”. This is the point at which I’d be scoping out the nearest exit, but Brian smiles and holds his ground. Cue video of Roxanne waxing poetic. They dated from their junior year in high school through her first year of college, until Brian told her he was engaged to someone else. Call me crazy, but I’m guessing Brian had some overlap action going on there. That was the last time Roxanne saw him. Recently she came across some music that the two of them had written together way back when, which rekindled her thoughts of him. She began to fantasize about the life they could have had together, and decided to email him to say hello. He responded, letting her know that he’s now divorced. A-ha! She sees her chance. Her chance to email him back and begin a normal dialogue? No, you silly thing. Her chance to bring him on a cheesy reality show, something which most people would find embarrassing as hell. While watching the video, Brian seems pleased, if not overwhelmed by emotion. As it ends, Roxanne is brought out on stage and they hug. Brian thinks that Roxanne looks beautiful, Roxanne thinks he looks wonderful too. He claims to have thought about her daily since their breakup. Roxanne can top that. She tells Brian that she has always loved him very, very much. In fact, she “loves him more than anybody else in the whole world.” Okay, I need to break in here. A) She hasn’t seen him in 18 years. To still love him more than anyone is just plain wrong. B) Can you imagine being a friend or family member of hers at that moment? Her poor mother is sitting at home, weeping quietly, wondering where she went wrong. C) I’m all for romance, but if Brian had any sense, he would’ve pulled a roadrunner off of the stage, leaving nothing but little puffs of Brian-shaped dust in his wake. Oddly, Brian seems to be eating this up, and when she asks if he’d like to give their relationship another shot, he eagerly agrees. Weirdo. So there you have it, folks. A real-life happy ending, courtesy of the altruistic folks of Fox. And you thought Rupert Murdoch only wanted to make money. __________________ The beautiful tragicomic thing about the human race is 1) their basic trust in each other and 2) that they never ever in a million years expect you to pull a big shovel out of your pocket and club them in the face with it. Click me.

07-15-2003, 05:45 PM	#6
hazyshadeof Fade to black Join Date: Mar 2003 Posts: 2,944	I don't watch this show... just wanted to throw a few props and kudos your way aj. Well done. __________________ I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody else's eyes... but why... why... why can't it be me?

07-15-2003, 07:43 PM	#7
Amanda Ice Cold Join Date: Apr 2003 Posts: 9,875	(Pssst, hazy. I don't watch the show either. Last night was a fluke. ) Thanks for all the nice words, everyone! And thanks, Nebraskababe, for the extra insight. __________________ The beautiful tragicomic thing about the human race is 1) their basic trust in each other and 2) that they never ever in a million years expect you to pull a big shovel out of your pocket and club them in the face with it. Click me.

07-15-2003, 08:31 PM	#8
greenie Why Not Us? Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Shhh it's a secret Age: 34 Posts: 3,420	Aj, I watched this show last night. God knows why. You're recap is fantastic though and comments on a lot of things I thought. I especially liked the vibrating Roxanne comments. That was exactly what was going through my mind. __________________ Who shot who in the what now?

07-15-2003, 04:52 PM	#4
Nebraskababe FORT Newbie Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Nebraska Age: 43 Posts: 1	I've been searching all morning for a recap of that episode, so THANK YOU, for such a great play by play. I went to high school with Brian and Roxane! A friend of mine called last night to tell me that he saw them on this new reality show called "Anything for Love." I hadn't heard of it, and so didn't catch the show. Brian and Roxane were two kids with tons of musical talent in high school, and we always knew they'd get out of small town Nebraska and make something of themselves. I went to college a year with Brian, and that's when he dumped Roxane, also dumped the sister of my best friend whom he was ALSO dating, and got engaged (out of the blue) to this chick who had the lead in the college musical with him. (Uh...Roxane and my friend's sister had leads with him in high school musicals. There seems to be a pattern!) Brian and I were close friends until he got engaged to that chick. He went off to the seminary later, and became a religious music producer. He had kids. As far as I knew, he was still married! So I was freaked beyond belief to hear about all this! Roxane moved to California, and has made a name for herself in the Beverly Hills/Hollywood areas as a singer. You can listen to her stuff here: http://search.mp3.com/bin/search?query=roxane-rox If you knew her in high school, you'd understand why she seemed psychotic about Brian. I really think she has loved him all these years, because they were REALLY in love w/ each other back then...well, as much as two high school kids can be. We all thought they'd end up married. Hey, maybe it will work out this time. I just had to write, because I couldn't find JACK SHIT anywhere else about the episode! So thanks for your synopsis! :-)

07-15-2003, 05:22 PM	#5
firegirl FORT Fogey Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Waiting to watch the red carpet Age: 43 Posts: 3,007	Fantastic job! clouds of Brian shaped dust! wonderful!!!!

07-16-2003, 12:32 AM	#9
JR. Drummer / Model Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: 42° 22' N 71° 2' W Age: 38 Posts: 6,937	Great job Amanda! Dead on with Luke and Helena, I so badly wanted to slap him.

07-16-2003, 03:38 AM	#10
Bumpkin FORT Fogey Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Snarksville Age: 42 Posts: 2,293	aww, Amanda -- that was wonderful! you truly had me sputtering onto my screen. I watched the show last night and your recap was dead on. And had me You're the best!