This weekís episode of ANY THING FOR LOVE was only thirty minutes. Thanks goodness because it opened up thirty minutes for me to have another thrill like getting my teeth drilled with out Novocain.
LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
Autumn met Kristian and was immediately smitten with him. He had tons of time for her since he was on sabbatical, his age was great at 35 and of course he was single. What else could a girl ask for in a man? Well, the truth is always nice and I am sure you can see the foreshadow monster doing a little dance here. Kristian is also a big fat liar! He is basically on sabbatical from working as in he doesnít have a job to take a sabbatical from, he is really 37, has a girlfriend and no car.
Autumn says he broke her heart with his lies and wants an apology from Kristian. Well, since this is the show where people will do anything for love, it is also the show where the hostís and producers will do anything for a rating. Kristian is lured to a meeting claiming he is in the running for a reality show set in Hawaii. Kristian is a very interesting looking fellow. Think biker dude meets Mr. T meets Mr. Clean. Autumn gets to watch Kristian lie to the producer then makes her appearance.
When Kristian first sees autumn he is immediately uncomfortable. As Autumn starts in on her need for an apology and starts in with the ď liar liar pants on fireĒ whine, Kristian gets up to leave telling her and Claudia he doesnít want to do this.
It is raining outside the Cafť and Claudia and Autumn proceed to chase Kristian down the street asking why he wonít apologize why he is afraid to be confronted about his lies.
At one point Claudia tries to restrain Kristian. Poor Kristian since he doesnít have a job or a car he has to keep running, he canít get away.
The cameras stopped running for a brief period and then as they are turned on (and money was exchanged, cough, cough) Kristian suddenly decides he will return to the cafť to be confronted by Autumn.
Autumn berates Kristian and basically says in every way possible youíre a liar and a big fat meany. Finally, referee Claudia intervenes and asks what will satisfy Autumn. She says an apology and Kristian gives her one. Well, of course thatís not enough. Claudia tells him so too!
Claudia then asks Autumn what will do it for you? Well, the cafť graphic artist happened to whip up a couple of posters and it shows a giant picture of Kristianís face with the words I am a liar underneath His choices are to wear the sign on Sunset, to place an add with the picture and caption or to get a tattoo that reads I lied. I could see the excitement on Kristianís face, a free tattoo, and it will be spelled correctly? Iíll take the tattoo Alex for my penitence. The group proceeds to the tattoo parlor where Kristian gets the words ďI liedĒ put on his multi-tattooed arm. He says it must be good for a lifetime of Karma.
As a post production note Autumn hasnít heard from him since.
LEAVING ON A JET PLANE
Tenicia wants to be a superstar. Jeff loves Tenicia. Jeff and Tenicia have been living together in Seattle, for a little over a year when Tenicia won a local talent contest and which convinced her ( along with a fortune cookie I bet ) to move to LA to see if she could make it in the big leagues.
The plan was for Tenicia to spend three months pursuing her dream and if it didnít work after that she would return to Jeff and continue their lives together. Well, three months turned into six turned into three more and well thank god for math teachers they taught us to count by threeís.
Jeff wants to do something big and go claim his baby and bring her back home. He decides to rent a jet and show up and tell her itís time to come home. Basically, he wants to wrap up a big ultimatum in a shiny jet package.
The producers of the show again come to the aid of the victim; I mean love lorn Jeff by arranging for Tenicia to sing for the man who discovered Madonna. As she stands in the living room and belts out Amazing Grace acapella I am wondering if this is American Idol or what. Anyway the big famous record executive says politely she has a nice voice looks well and has some talent. However, he doesnít jump on the sign her up band wagon.
Next we see Jeff flying in on the plane and Tencia in a limo all dressed up but she doesnít know where she is going. Ok, well she just had an audition with a big time recording executive, now youíre in a limo all dolled up of course your going to see your boyfriend who is coming to take you home. Geeze some people.
The look you are imagining on her face when the plane opens up is about right. Jeff gives Tencia her ultimatum which basically amounts to I love you and I donít want to live in LA and so if you love me then get your butt on the plane and letís go! Tencia, wavers, stammers cries and in the end says she just has to do this a little longer! What? I am screaming at the TV! You just had your big shot honey! You got the audience most people never get, and guess what he didnít ask you to sign the dotted line! Three more months wonít change his mind. There were contestants on American Idol that sounded and looked better that didnít make it to California. Get on the plane, go home!
Jeff gets back on the jet and goes home wishing Tencia the best. I like Jeff. Can we fix him up with a Bachelorette reject or something?
HORSE OF A DIFFERENT COLOR
Lori and John have been living together for over a year. They met in a gym and it has been pure love ever since. Except for the one tiny crack in the paradise bubble, another woman. Her name is Bella. Lori is on the show because she feels that John puts Bella before her.
Lori explains that Bella hates her and that John wonít do anything about it. I am convinced at this point we are talking about Johnís mom. I mean this sounds just like my former mother Ėin-law. Lori wants to give John an ultimatum. Get rid of Bella or she is leaving. Oh I like this girl, I wish I would have had the nerve to say that to my ex, hey get rid of your mother. Saying that out loud alone makes me giddy.
Lori explains further that Bella is even dangerous to Lori, she has cracked her ribs, broken her toe and she will probably kill her one day. Yep, the future mother-in-law, Lori I feel your pain; we are kindred spirits I can tell.
They decide to bring out Bella for the confrontation. Ooh this will be good, I canít wait, and hey a whole new series could be created. My imagination wheels are turning. Mother-in-laws against daughter-in-laws. I am ready to audition; the thought of getting to take a whack at my former mother-in-law is more than I can stand. Oh but here comes Bella, and yep, she looks a lot like my exís mom. Oh wait, only my exís mom didnít have a tail. She did weigh a lot and had big buck teeth, oh, my gosh, I have made a mistake. Itís a horse for Peteís sake! Lori and John run a farm for deserted horses. Ahhh ok, oh well.
John is brought out on stage and Bella whinnies when she sees him. I still think it looks and sounds like my former mother-in-law. Lori explains how serious she is about John getting rid of his special horse and that he has to choose her or Bella. She says she has found a special good home for her and she can go today! John is shocked but he says of course he chooses Lori. He kisses his horse good-bye and we have a happy ending.
Well, too bad it wasnít that easy for me. I could have found her a good home I bet!