Good Night Joey Boy!
Star Dates, Episode 9
Featuring: Mary McDonough
Star Dates’ premise is to combine Blind Date, Elimidate, Disgusting Date, and any other dating show you can think of. The twist here is to set up dates between a B list actor and a normal (read: not famous, but probably trying to be) citizen.
Once again, Reggie Gaskins hosts, and I have to say, if you have never seen this show, watch it just to see his commentary. He is a riot. Jordan Black, last season’s host was good, but Reggie is rapidly becoming my favorite host in all of reality TV.
Mary McDonough spent her teenage years playing the role of Erin on The Waltons, which depicted a 1930’s family in Virginia. Erin eventually grew up on the show, and even got engaged. She participated in the follow on specials, such as the heartwarming A Wedding on Walton’s Mountain, the endearing Mothers Day on Walton’s Mountain, the uplifting A Day for Thanks on Walton’s Mountain, the inspiring A Walton Thanksgiving Reunion, the rousing A Walton’s Wedding (no, this was a different wedding), the uhm… running out of descriptive words… er… stimulating (what the hell, run with it) A Walton’s Easter.
Who knew there was this much Walton’s crap out there?
Mary didn’t limit her acting skills to family drama, she has also been in a handful of films, both TV and big screen. Some of the titles are entertaining, Impure Thoughts, Snowballing, and Midnight Offerings. Don’t get your hopes up, despite the titles, none of those are the types of movies you will find showing at 2AM on Cinemax, perhaps about that time on Family channel though.
Mary has also made numerous TV appearances, including her most recent stint as “Mom” on Will and Grace. Fear not, Mary has made the obligatory guest star showing on the The Love Boat as well.
Today, Mary is doing stuff that we are not told about. She does say during the program that after The Waltons she did a lot of traveling through Europe, had a child, and got married. I assume she is living off residuals from all of those Waltons reruns now days. She has a 10 year old daughter, and is divorced. What kind of guys will she be meeting?
The “Normal” Folks
Joey is a composer. He lives in Santa Monica, enjoys running and surfing, plus he likes to spend time with his two children. Chris is a massage therapist studying to be an airline pilot, originally from Long Island, now he calls LA his home. Yup, you read that right, massage therapist learning to fly airliners. He says his best quality is sincerity, and as Duckgirl would say, foreshadowing is crashing through my roof.
Date #1 – Joey
Joey has the southern California beach look going for him. A light goatee, the tank top and Hawaiian shirt go with his shorts. He looks at the head shot of Mary from her Waltons’ days and seems excited to meet her.
The meet at Joey’s door, and you can see a mutual attraction right away. Or, maybe it is a mutual comfort with each other. It is pretty interesting to see from afar.
Joey shows Mary pictures of his kids, and while some single women would run screaming from such an act, it seems that it impresses Mary.
They retire to the Escalade, and are already joking with each other. Joey is smooth, he knows the key to success in a first date is asking questions and being yourself. He isn’t acting, he just seems like a nice guy to hang out with. Mary asks him about his impression when he learned who his date would be:
Joey: “Oh no, I am dating a Walton!” *laughs*
Mary: “I could be a Brady, that’s worse!” Counters Mary with a bigger laugh.
Truer words have never been spoken Mary.
They go shopping. Hat shopping. They try on hundreds of hats and generally seem to enjoy spending time together. In the end, they pick two obnoxious hats, Mary a pink one and Joey a cowboy hat. Meanwhile, outside the shop, Reggie is bragging about Joey. He thinks Joey is the master of “beach game” based on how well things are going with Mary.
Then, Reggie gets pulled into the dreaded, try-on-my-new-pink-hat ploy. Reggie, you should have seen it coming buddy! Those of you men reading this at home, remember, never, ever, agree to just try on a pink hat. That is right up there with the just-hold-my-purse-for-a-moment gambit that I think we all have dodged at one point or another.
They go to dinner. They discuss their kids. They continue to share pleasant thoughts. They share their food in that sickening sweet arms intertwined manner that can lead to serious rotator-cuff injuries. Where are the safety monitors when you need them???
During a break in the festivities, Joey confesses that he would love to date Mary, and he finds her genuine qualities refreshing and attractive. Speaking of genuine, Mary confesses that her favorite curse word is the “F-word”. Wow. I am guessing that didn’t go over too well at the Walton’s Mountain Thanksgiving feast. “Pass the f***ing turkey John Boy!”
They kiss leaving the restaurant, and hold hands on the way to the Escalade. I make jokes here, but these two like each other, get along amazingly well for a first date with cameras on them, and they seem sincere in their plans to see each other again.
This was a big hit as far as dates go. The pressure is on Chris to deliver in date number two. Could he succeed?
Date#2 – Chris
Chris, the massage therapist who wants to be an airline pilot, is taller and probably better looking, not that I spend a lot of time pondering such things. Apparently though, the instructors at Airplane Fly Me School taught Chris that the proper dress for a first date is a vest, with no shirt, complimented by white pants. Basically it is a dressed down version of Don Johnson on Miami Vice.
Made you think of the theme song didn’t I? Yeah, you’ll never get that out of your head the rest of the day now… you’re welcome!
They meet, and Mary likes Chris’ appearance. He is tall, which “good”. They get in the Escalade and head out for a walk through a rose garden. In the car, we see a switch between Joey and Chris. In date #1, Joey was asking questions and leading the conversation. In date #2, Mary is asking the questions of Chris. She seems very interested in him.
Chris says he is recently out of a break up. He has joined an online dating service, and has liked the people he has met. They get to the park, and while walking, Chris further vents that he has dated many women who wanted to go out for nothing more than a free dinner.
A free dinner… did you smell that? Smells like that foreshadowing thing again…
They find a rose called the Mary Rose in the park, and it is immediately claimed by Mary as hers. Chris continues rambling about a recent relationship with a rich woman in which she paid for everything. He liked that.
… Oh, come on now, surely you smell that foreshadowing by now don’t you?
They rest on a bench, and Mary asks Chris what his favorite Rose was. Spot quiz time. Based on what you know from reading this painful recap, what is the correct answer?
A) Handel Rose
B) Pete Rose
C) Chaucer Rose
D) Mary Rose
If you said “D”, you get to move on in the game. If you said ‘B’, seek gambling addiction help. However, if you said something like Marchesa Boccella, then you probably wear a vest with no shirt most of the time.
These two are starting to drag. Mary has decided that there isn’t enough eye candy on Chris to keep her attention past him opening his mouth. Enter Reggie, who gives Chris a pep talk. He is like Burgess Meredith during Rocky, “Grrrrr… you gotta get in there kid! Give her your best stuff… grrrrr!” Chris is fired up; he wants to win one for the Regg’r. Reggie says, now we will see if Chris can “walk into his own little house on the prairie.”
They arrive at dinner, and it is time to order. Chris must be hungry because he keeps ordering food. One entrée. Two entrees. Oh, and don’t forget the appetizers… one, two, three… There is little time for talk between our two lovebirds as all of this ordering is taking a lot out of Chris.
Outside, Reggie is counting his money; he is worried they may not have enough in the budget to pay for this dinner.
Remember that foreshadowing we talked about? Well, it seems that Chris is looking for not just a free dinner, but a free week’s worth of food. In the end, he orders three entrees and six appetizers just for himself. The check came to $271.56. He has most of the food boxed to go, and it is a tall stack of four boxes he carries as they walk out of the restaurant.
They retire to the Escalade, the scent of those boxes of dinner fill the air. I don’t see them say anything to each other on the way back, and Mary doesn’t look pleased about the events at dinner. I am not surprised.
Confession time. Chris says that the date has gone well. Hmmm, went well? I guess that works if you add in a little more to the sentence. Let me help you. “The date went well as compared to having root canal.” There, that works. Might be a disservice to root canals though.
They get to Chris’ house, and Mary just wants to get away. Chris, still oblivious to the spectacle he has made of himself says, “I would invite you up for a cup of water, but you have that daughter thing going on.”
Yeah. That daughter thing.
Chris, you are a better looking guy than I am, but let me offer some friendly advice. First, never refer to the child as “that daughter thing going on”, and second, given that it was still daylight out when this date ended, I wonder if “the daughter thing” was a hastily made excuse to get this over with? Just a hunch, I could be wrong.
Mary ends the night back with Reggie, saying there is no way she is going to call Chris again for anything romantic. Well, one of two isn’t bad, and there seems to be potential between Mary and Joey, so good luck to them.
Until next week!
Comments are welcome. Email: email@example.com