Welcome once again to the weekly Top Ten at The Fort. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as we enjoy writing them. Sit back, take a minute out of your day, and smile with us…
10. FLATTERY WILL GET YOU ... NOWHERE!!
In the premiere episode of THE DATING EXPERIMENT, a show where a mysterious "diary" is in charge of a couple's experience, Morgan is told to expound on what he loves about Shy. Morgan is supposed to do this in public at a crowded bar on stage. This is sweet and could be a good thing, but, (there is always a but) these two are on their second date, sort of, well I guess it was a date.
Morgan proceeds to describe in very sweet and extensive detail how great looking he thinks Shy is. He describes her beautiful lips her smile, teeth etc. Morgan is never gross or crude but I found it to be very flattering to Shy considering they have only just met. Now, Shy on the other hand thinks this stinks and wishes (this man she just met) would have said things he loved about her personality. Poor Morgan he couldn't get a break, I mean she went on and on about how he couldn't say anything about her except her looks and is this all he sees in her. Hey, I am thinking on the first or second date uh yea! I mean it takes a couple dates to decide if I even think they are good looking let alone have depth. Get over it honey!
Well, Morgan and his homage to Shy's beauty and her slam-dunking his poor self, makes it a Top Ten Moment.
9. WELL I'LL BE DIPPED IN POOP!
This week on the AMAZING RACE teams were offered the choice to dig through cow poop to find a clue. The team of John and Al two professional circus clowns took that choice! Now this isn't a regular cow pie so to speak, this was a huge mountain of s#@t!
A steaming runny, slimy, pile of it! The clowns donned their gear and ran to jump in the pile, they looked like kids in the fall jumping in leaves. These guys were actually playing in all that stuff!
Seeing two grown men rolling in poop as happy as well pigs in shit, makes it a top ten moment.
8. Premature Revelation.
We were promised a shocking moment.
Rob was about to "find out" about the "money" part of For Love or Money.
By that, many people no doubt expected one of the ladies to crack under the pressure of keeping the secret, or possibly in the case of Paige, tell him as yet another desperate way of seeking his approval.
Sadly not, that would have added some drama and we simply can't have that now can we NBC?
Rob's failure to work it out by himself prompted host Jordan Murphy to tell him the wicked truth this week.
Rob's reaction to the news was simply to knit his eyebrows a little more tightly than usual.
How terribly unsatisfying.
We really should have anticipated the moment being anti-climactic.
7. He's either smarter, or has bigger pelotas than we do!
When Dave was picked out of the studio audience to be the first outsider at Paradise Hotel he seemed so friendly and grateful. Everybody tried to make him feel welcome, particularly Beau.
Dave was shown around and given the 411 on who was "hooked up" and who was "just friends." He acknowledged everything with a smile and a nod.
The moment arrived when Dave had to choose a woman to room with. He openly stated that he was aware that one couple was off limits - Beau and Amanda. They were known around PH as "the married couple." So what does Dave do? He picks Amanda!
The guys are furious, they don't know if Dave is using strategy or is just clueless. Dave doesn't care. He is loud, obnoxious and rude. He said he wanted to raise the "funk factor" at Paradise Hotel, but what he did instead was raise everybody's hostility level.
Dave, you might just have to leave your bags packed.
6. What a guy wants..
FOX has made yet another foray into the reality show craze with the new Anything For Love series in which people…. Well, do anything for love. Unfortunately, some people are stupid.
I know, that’s not fair, they are in love, it’s the emotion that is making them think of things as a good idea. Whatever. I reiterate: People are stupid.
Case in point number 1:
In the first of two back-to-back episodes we meet Trinity. She is in love with Mike. They both live in California, but they live 500 miles apart, and have for the past…. Eight or eleven years, I can’t remember, but really 8 or 11… either one is a looooong time. Trinity decides to quit her job, tell her landlord she’s moving, pack all her stuff and drive the moving van to Mike’s house to tell him she’s moving in or moving on. Anyone here think that was a good idea? Yeah, she’s homeless.
Case in point number 2:
I didn’t catch their names, but I caught the story. Man loves woman. Woman loves man. They move in together. He spends too much time with his…… bike. Yes, she moves out because he rides his bike to often. He’s not drinkin’ or druggin’. He’s not hittin’ the strip joints with his pals. He’s riding his bike. She is pissed. He wants her back. It’s her or the bike. He chooses her by taking a jigsaw thingy to his bike and cutting it up. She is now happy. I give him two weeks before he resents the crap out of her and has a new bike.
People are stupid.
5. Eh, quit your snivelin’ kid, this show is about ratings!
In an effort to garner ratings this week, FOX’s American Juniors brought American Idol winner, Ruben Studdard, to the stage to perform his new single “Flying Without Wings”. Now this makes total sense since American Juniors is just a mini size American Idol. Sadly, though, FOX felt it necessary to torture these 8-12 year olds by having Ruben perform before the last finalist was announced. And to build up even more suspense, American Juniors left Taylor Thompson, the other half of the Thompson sisters, on the couch waiting to see if she would get to join her sister, Tori, in the finals.
Fortunately, Taylor did get to join her sister Tori in the end. Not so fortunate for the other five that were eliminated. That’s show business, kids!
4. Chuck, pull up a pail and MILK THAT COW!
Chuck and Millie, two of the most sexually-frustrated "dating for 12 years and still virgins" couples I've ever known, are taking those frustrations out on each other each week on The Amazing Race. Millie says that Chuck isn't ready, doesn't respect her opinions, and better make a decision soon. Chuck says that Millie is moving too quickly, and he doesn't know if he's ready yet.
Chuckie, after 12 years, I can safely say that it's time to definitively put an end to at least the "Virgins" part of the "Virgins/Dating 12 Years" tagline CBS has so wonderfully assigned you. Taking care of the "Dating 12 Years" part might be nice too, but we don't want to rush you.
3. If You Missed It, You'll Have to Wait Another 54,144 Hands
The World Poker Tour concluded its season this week with the spectacular WPT Championship at the Bellagio Casino in Las Vegas. Each winner of this year's events earned a free entry into this tournament, and 109 other contenders shelled out 25 grand each to get in. The competition was obviously fierce because not one of the previous tournament winners earned a place at the final table. Layne Flack came close but flared out at #10.
That's not to say that the final table was in any way a disappointment. You had Phil Ivey, "the Tiger Woods of poker" who was appearing in the top 6 for the third time this season. You had Kirill Gerasimov, the young Russian star and Matt Damon look-alike, who had already won the European Heads-Up Tournament after only taking up the game 18 months ago. You had poker legend Doyle Brunson, who literally wrote the book on poker that many of the players at the table read to learn the game (and who once won a million dollar bet that he could lose 100 pounds in a year!). You had Alan Goehring, the retired junk bond trader, who had been the runner-up in three major tournaments but had never won the big one. And you had Ted Forrest and James Hoeppner, two well-known names in the poker world who most of you reading this (if you're like me) wouldn't know from the Prime Minister of Djibouti.
The poker between these six superstars was some of the best seen all year on the WPT. Ted set the tone early with a couple of superb bluffs. It didn't take long, though, for him to run into some trouble against the chip leader Alan. With James already out of the game, Doyle and Ted both went all in on the same hand and were checked by Alan who had a pair of pocket jacks. The board helped neither underdog, and Alan wound up punching out both players at once. Phil departed soon after, once again getting burnt on an all-in bet with A-Q down. That's the same hand that doomed him at Foxwoods earlier in the season.
The final heads-up match had some classic hands, including a rare 1-in-54,145 situation where four sevens appeared on the board, turning 90% favorite Alan into a loser for that hand. Kirill kept the pressure on with some brilliant all-in bluffs that gave him the chip lead. But once he was in the driver's seat, he continued to play recklessly, ultimately giving the chip lead back to Alan on a completely unnecessary bluff. The final hand saw Kirill draw a 7 on the fourth card to fill in an inside straight, only to see Alan pick up an 8 for a full house on the final card to win the $1.1 million dollar grand prize!
2. Hey, That's My Spot!
Most of the contestants on Last Comic Standing are seasoned performers that are accustomed to playing clubs on the comedy circuit. So when host Jay Mohr informed them that their immunity contest this week involved earning money as a street performer at SoCal's trendy Universal City Walk, they knew they were about to find themselves very much out of their element.
That didn't stop funnyman Dave Mordal from asking Mohr "Can we make a rule that some of the LA comics don't get their regular spot?"
1. Man vs. Machine
Ozzy has been around for a long time, well before ever filming The Osbournes, and I bet he’s seen just about everything. He may finally have met his match though. No, it’s not his wife, children or pets - It’s his new car, a brand new BMW with all of the bells and whistles.
It’s bad enough that he’s in no condition to actually drive it, but it seems as if the voice recognition system refuses to recognize the Prince of Darkness. After many battles just trying to turn the radio on, The Ozzman threw in the towel. “Will you shut the f*** up. Take 5 man, I’ve got the wife that nags me, now I’ve got a f***ing car that nags me”.
Thanks to all the FORT writers who contributed this week. In alphabetical order, they are: cali, CaliGirl, firegirl, fluff, greenflute98, John, JR, Paulie, Wayner