The Osbournes – Season 2, Episode 9
Things start off this week with Kelly bitching about not wanting a birthday party. Great, more Kelly. Sharon suggests that they all go to Las Vegas while Ozzy is there doing some shows, and Kelly agrees. While flipping through a magazine, Kelly comments that Cindy Lauper is still cool and very pretty. “Oh yes, bless her” Sharon mocks. Well, now we know where Kelly gets her ridiculous fashion sense. Ah Kel, you were still in diapers when Cindy was cool.
A little later on, Kelly confesses to Sharon that she is unhappy with her breasts.
Kelly: I hate my f***ing t*ts, they’re so ugly and like boring.
Sharon: Get them done.
Kelly: It’s a must do.
Sharon: See what a good mother I am. Oh darling just get your t*ts done, there’s no danger, no problems.
Kelly: Why do I have to have your t*ts, why can’t I have Aimee’s t*ts? She has perfect t*ts.
Sharon: She does have perfect t*ts, doesn’t she.
Kelly: Aimee has “Welcome to London” postcard t*ts, and I have f***ing National Geographic t*ts.
A rather disturbing conversation, and I don’t think new cans would help her much.
Kelly’s manager goes over the rules and regulations of the hotel that they will be staying in. He informs her that Nevada has really strict drinking laws, and she says, while wearing a big, stupid flower in her hair, that she’s not going there to party anyway. A few minutes later she is seen talking on the phone complaining that the hotel had her sign a “no drinking” contract. “It’s like I have a reputation and I’m not even 18 yet” she says. Hmm, they must be fans of the show.
Jack is excited as he packs his bags, “my friend called me and said dude I got 6 Penthouse chicks meeting us there” he gleefully tells his friend. Yeah, like Penthouse chicks would have anything to do with this little weirdo. He wants to cruise the casinos in a suit, as if it would help. He debates whether or not to bring his teddy bear with him as it “could be hard on his soul”. That should help with the chicks. Jack explains to his friend that the bear has never missed a trip as he stuffs it into his backpack.
Out in the driveway Kelly throws a mini hissy fit when Jack tells her that the girls are supposed to be in the second van. She says that it’s her birthday and she is the reason they are going to Vegas and it wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t brining 8 of his friends. She mumbles something as she heads for the van door, and upon opening it, we get a shot of everyone’s favorite houseguest Dill! Oh, you just know it’s going to be a fun time now.
The Family of Darkness boards a private plane with what looks to be about 100 other various people. Oz makes his way to the back to see Kelly and hands her a picture. “That’s your birthday present, you’ll get the real thing on Wednesday” he says as she unfolds the paper to see what I think is a baby blue ’57 Chevy. Damn, I want to be adopted by this family, for my 18th birthday I got a jacket. She squeals and gushes as everyone comments on how cool it is. Damn.
We get some shots of Vegas and a few clips for Ozzy’s show before seeing the kids run through the hotel lobby. Oh these poor people. They spread through the place like a virus, yelling as they run down the hallways and into their rooms. A growing security force gathers in the hallways and that pisses off Jack, and he goes to see his parents to complain. “It feels like a robbed a f***ing bank, I don’t want to be here like this” he whines. Sharon tries to calm him by saying he can go anywhere he wants, and he responds with “yeah, with a f***ing army behind me”. He’s convinced that he won’t be able to have any fun and wants to go home. Geez, it must be real tough being a celebrity.
Meanwhile, Oz is down in the casino enjoying the slot machines. I think he’s mesmerized by the noise and blinking lights. On his way out, he runs into another family of Osbournes and seems completely baffled when the little girl says that her name is Kelly too. He’s so caught up in this girl that he stiffs one of the other kids looking for a handshake. What the hell are these young’ins doing in a casino? The oldest couldn’t have been more than 14. And people criticize Oz and Sharon, well at least there not turning their kids into degenerate gamblers.
Kelly is headed for a roller coaster type that is apparently inside the hotel while wearing stupid sunglasses. While strapped in, she gets annoyed with someone behind her. “Can you have enough with the woos please” she asks. Yep, you guessed it “woo-woo-woo” like a skip in the record. I’d like to shake that person’s hand. The car takes off with her shrieking the whole way.
Back in the boy’s room, the party animals have settled down to watch the Teletubbies. Yes, the Teletubbies, and they are actually watching it. That is really sad.
Down in the club, Kelly and fired drummer Sara and busy jumping around like idiots. We then get a clip of Kelly dousing Sara with water. That would be such a great scene if they were hot.
The boys finally decide to head to the club, and upon entering Jack states “no less than 14 at the table please”. He’s then shown standing by himself, up against the wall. Smooth Jack, real smooth.
Kelly and Sara then decide to crash the grown-ups dinner, and Sara promptly removes her shirt and gets up on a table and starts to gyrate. Again, this would be a lot better if she was hot. After about a minute or so, she flings her shirt onto the dinner table, completely ruining everyone’s appetite. She then takes a header off the back of the table, and I hope she’s hurt. Kelly bursts out in hysterical laughter and claims to have pissed herself. Uh, thanks for sharing Kel.
Later on after that mess is cleaned up, Kelly has another fit in the hallway while talking to Sharon. Apparently while inside the club, some girls finally came over to talk to Jack and he told Kelly not to say anything to them. One of the girls gave Kelly “a look” that she didn’t appreciate. Well Kelly, if you weren’t dressed like a truck driver you probably won’t get those “looks”. Kelly threatens physical violence and Sharon tells her not to back there and get in trouble. “But it’s my f***ing birthday and I want to do whatever I want to do and not have someone scream at me because I was rude to some dumb girl” she whines. Wow, she’s a real winner…I’m never having kids. But wait, there’s more. Sharon: If you go down there there’s going to be a war.
Kelly: BUT IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! Hello, does that not compute into your head?
Sharon: Kelly, stop talking to me like I’m your girlfriend. I’m your mother.
Now right here I’m praying for Sharon to wind up and knock this whiny snot down the hallway. God must be busy, because that doesn’t happen. Sharon tells her she’s acting like a spoiled brat, and she responds with “yes I’m spoiled but get over it, I’m not a brat though”. Ugh, I can not stand this girl. Can’t we have Aimee? Please?
Kelly and Sara head back to the club and asks her nicely not to start anything. Of course she starts yelling. Jack asks one of the assistants to get her out of there and Kelly starts with the “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY” thig again. I actually start to feel bad for Jack as he apologizes to the girl.
Up in a room, Sharon tells the various assistants that Kelly is “out of order”, even Nanny Melinda is frightened. “She thinks she’s Sara” Sharon says, and as if on cue, Sara walks in. Sara mumbles something about the elevator and that she’s not going to fight even though she wants to. “This is f***ing bullsh*t” Sara says as she leaves the room. “Well, that was an end to a lovely evening” Sharon states, we get clips of the family boarding the bus to the airport.
The bus is being held up by a few people, one of which being Dill naturally. Jack calls him “dude, seriously, we’re going to miss our plane…alright, hurry the f*** up”. Dill and his mop head show up and proceed to drop numerous F-bombs. The bus takes off and they end up catching their plane on time.
We get a few flashbacks from earlier in the episode where Sharon tells Kelly that they should just go to Vegas and “have some fun”, Jack talking about Penthouse chicks, and quickly cutting to a clip of them watching Teletubbies, followed by multiple “it’s my birthday” shots.
Thanks again MTV for another Kelly filled episode. What did we ever do to you, huh?
Profanity Count: 55
Poop Count: 0
Next week: Sharon and Ozzy renew their wedding vows!
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