These are some of my favorite quotes from The Osbournes:
Kelly: "Jack, stop telling people you're Ozzy Osbourne's son to get into places, you're a f*ing loser!"
Ozzy: "You don't need to hire a dog therapist, you just need to wake up at 7 am and open the f*ing door!"
Jack: "I'm an *ss-kicking fat kid."
Ozzy: "I love you all. I love you more than life itself, but you're all f*ing mad."
Sharon: "Martha Stewart can lick my scrotum!......... Do I have a scrotum?"
Kelly: "Your valet guy just farted in my car and it smells un-godly."
Ozzy: "International rock star - gravy maker extraordinaire."
Sharon: "The virgin Mary speaks to me. She says you must go to Tiffany. And on the way, stop at Cartier."
Ozzy: "Bubbles?! Oh come on Sharon! I'm f*ing Ozzy Osbourne, I'm the Prince of f*ing Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's f*ing evil about a sh*tload of bubbles!?"
Kelly: "She's p*ssing in the bottle....just like she sh*t in Dad's bag of weed in Hawaii."
Ozzy (about Jack): "He's up in his room planning his future."
Sharon: "The only thing he's planning is his next wank; whether he's going to use his left hand or his right hand. "
Edited because I missed an f-bomb