The Osbournes – Episode 18
This week starts off with Ozzy talking about an upcoming fishing trip, and how he’s always wanted to take Jack. “Don’t get f***ing sick on me, if you have to, go over the side” he says. Oz wakes him up early, and goes off to get things ready. The car is all packed, and they’re just waiting on Jack to get his stuff together. “He’s just like his f***ing mother, always late” Oz mumbles from the car. Jack finally shows, and they head off to the marina with Oz singing “We are going to catch some fish…”.
They get to the boat, and Oz comments that it looks like the Titanic. Apparently he’s never been on a fishing boat that big before, or maybe he has and just doesn’t remember. As they head out to deeper water, Jack and his buddy decide to toss out a few left over fireworks. I’m not sure what kind, but they don’t go out when wet and offer a pretty impressive explosion. Jack then pulls out something about the size of a brick, but the captain will have none of that. Christ, what’s wrong with these kids? Are they trying to take out a tanker or something? They end up tossing the time bomb away.
The gang and the crew head to the back of the boat for instructions and a demonstration. They decide to put up $50 each that will go to whoever catches the biggest fish. Oz wants to know if fish sleep, and if they masturbate…I have no idea why, but I’m not the Prince of Darkness. The ship drops anchor, and the guys start to cast their lines. It doesn’t take long for one of them to catch something, but it’s sort of small so they throw it back. A few minutes later, an identical fish is caught by the same guy. Ozzy calls shenanigans “it’s the same f***ing fish, it must be under contract to the f***ing boat”.
The guys are reeling them in like there’s no tomorrow. Assistant Tony seems like a pro, and the captain jokes that he should give the other guys a chance. Ozzy, being the great guy that he is, decides to feed the pelicans while singing to the fish “Don’t cry little fish, don’t cry, don’t cry”. He’s not having any luck with the fish though, and asks Tony if he has someone down there with an oxygen tank sticking them on his line. He finally hooks something, and is excited as he brings it up. That excitement turns into a series of F-bombs as he reels in a few Pepsi cans. The gang gets a good chuckle out of that, as Ozzy chases after them. “If you catch a case of Corona, let me know” he yells.
Oz goes over to see what Jack is up to, and to help him reel in his latest catch. “It’s the same f***ing fish again” Ozzy shouts. One of the crew members hands him a line and he starts to reel. Just as the fish gets to the surface, it’s attacked by pelicans. “I’ve caught a bird, motherf***ers. You bitch” he shouts at the scavengers. “Is that Jaws, is that a f***ing shark” Ozzy asks as a seal swims by the boat. Man, I wish my dad was this cool.
The fishing comes to an end, and it’s time to determine the winner. The prize ends up going to Jack’s friend, and everyone gathers around for a few pictures with their catches. Oz wants his taken with his Pepsi cans. He says it’s taken 17 years for him to go fishing with Jack. He then says it a few more times, including on the way home as the car pulls over so they can relieve themselves.
They arrive back at the house, and Jack says that he had a really good time, Oz mentions that he’s been trying to do that for 17 years. Sharon welcomes the boys and asks if anyone caught anything. Tony holds up a bag and tells her to get a frying pan, but she just laughs and looks at him like he’s nuts. I can only imagine what she was thinking, and I bet she doesn’t even know where the frying pans are.
Later on, Ozzy and Sharon sit on the couch and unwind.
Sharon: So you had fun?
Ozzy: It was beautiful.
Ozzy: Do you know how long it’s taken for me to take my son fishing?
Sharon: Yes, 17 years
Next week: Jack and adopted son Rob go to England
Profanity Count: 40
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