The Osbournes – Episode 17
We kick things off this week with Jack stopping by Courtney Love’s house. She meets him at the gate in a T-shirt and panties, and has him walk behind her to block the camera from filming her ass as they walk back to the house. Once inside, we see that she has a mini zoo of her own with 3 or 4 dogs and at least 1 cat. She goes off to finish getting dressed and to get “Brieann”, her younger friend/niece/sister (I’m not sure, they don’t mention who she is) while again telling the camera not to film her ass.
While Courtney gets her hair done, she rambles to Jack and his assistant Jackie (aww, how cute) about playing Lady Mac Beth. Brieann finally makes her appearance, and Jack is smitten as she is rather cute. Courtney continues to babble, now it’s something about “reconstructive disownment”. Um…yeah ok then. Jack is oblivious as his attention is solely focused on Brie. At last she is ready, and the gang head out. But they’re not ready to go quite yet as Courtney has some trouble getting one of her dogs back into the house. First she says that she doesn’t have a key, and then she can’t remember the code to open the gate, and ends up pushing on the gate only to find out that it was already open.
The next day Kelly tells Melinda about the night out with Courtney. “I think Courtney Love is one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met in my life. She’s f***ing smart” she states. Ok, I definitely think Kel needs to get out more, she’s worse than I thought.
Ozzy’s working on a new song and asks Sharon to read through the lyrics. While she’s reading, she’s on the phone with Melinda. Ozzy asks if it’s too sloppy, but she’s busy telling Melinda to keep Kelly in tonight. Oz attempts to take the book back, but Sharon pulls it back in, all while continuing to talk. He wins the tug – o – war and walks away saying “Sharon, you’re f***ing nuts babe”.
Jack brings Brie to the house to meet the family, and Ozzy tells her that he’s met her brother a few times and thinks he’s cool. All of a sudden, he hears a noise. He goes to investigate and finds it to be coming from his “Ronco Rotisserie BBQ Oven”. He stares at it and claims it to be haunted. “How the f*** does it work” he asks, “maybe we can put one of the dogs in there, haha”. Jack is curious about the “white stuff” dripping off the chicken, and Oz tells him it’s “smegma”.
Later on, Jack is trying to impress his new lady friend by making her some lunch. He decides to go with every woman’s favorite – frozen pizza. But Chef Romeo forgot one small detail; he left it sitting on the cardboard when he put it in the oven. Oops. He attempts to fix this by trying to slice it off with a knife, while the puzzled Brie looks on. We get a bunch of different clips of the 2 of them sharing all kinds of food: muffins, cake, fruit, Easy-Mac, baked beans (that might be a bad choice), and beef jerky. Damn he’s smooth.
Sharon is out doing a little shopping when Ozzy calls her to go over the lyrics again. He starts reciting, but she gets distracted by the sales girl. “Are you listening to me” he asks. She says yes and he continues until she gets distracted again. “Sharon, Sharon, hello” he says, “Alright, I’ll call you later” she says and hangs up as he’s starting the next verse. “Hello, hello, hello…f*** off” he mumbles as he hangs up
Oz, Sharon, and Jack are gathered around the rotisserie watching the chicken cook.
Sharon: Who’s the boxer that has the ovens?
Ozzy: Sylvester Stallone
Ozzy: Sylvester Stallone
Sharon: No, no, no the…
Ozzy: Sylvester Stallone
Sharon: No, the boxer
Jack saves the day by coming up with George Foreman.
The family sits down to eat, but Oz isn’t happy with the cabbage.
Ozzy: This is the f***ing s*** that f***ing bunny rabbits eat, it’s like a f***ing olive branch
Sharon: Ozzy please
Ozzy: it’s a bit strong that cabbage
Sharon: Will you just shut up about the cabbage, it’s perfect
Ozzy: Possum food this is
Assistant Tony: It’s full of iron you know
Ozzy: so is a f***ing box of nails
Jack shows up with Brie and asks how the food was. “The meal was crap, but the wine was great” Oz replies. He then drags Jack and Brie off to listen to his new tune, as he has apparently given up on Sharon.
Earlier, Kelly told Sharon about Jack’s tattoo because he’s been hiding it from her. Sharon stops Jack in the hallway before he leaves and asks to see it. Before he takes his shirt off, he says that it was just out of love, right when he got the news about her cancer. He takes off his shirt to reveal a small heart done in white ink (WTF?) on his shoulder with “Mum” inside the heart. Sharon is touched by this and gives him a big hug and a kiss. Just when you think these people are completely out of their minds, they turn around and do something like this – a very sweet moment.
Later that evening, Jack and Brie come back to the house and he decides to tempt her with every woman’s second favorite food – Ramen Noodles. Young love, how sweet. We are left with a few more clips of them talking, and going for a dip in the pool. She is really cute, what the hell is she doing there? I wish my dad was a rock star.
Next week: A father / son fishing trip complete with explosives
Profanity Count: 45
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