The Osbournes – Episode 16
This week brings new problems with a different set of neighbors, as the tennis courts next door are attracting players all day, everyday. Ozzy and Sharon sit out on the patio and try to enjoy the morning, but are annoyed by their noisy neighbors. “It’s like living between John McEnroe and Peter, Paul, and Hitler” he says. He even suggests having band rehearsal in the back yard, which is something I’d like to see. Jack takes this opportunity to bring his drum set out and start playing…or attempting to play. You would think the kid would have some musical talent, but no such luck. Imagine an entire drum set falling down a staircase. After a few minutes, Ozzy has heard enough and wanders away with his hands covering his ears screaming “SHUT UP”.
Kelly wants to go get another cat because one of them is missing. Ozzy begs her not to, and then begs Sharon not to, but deep down I bet he knows that his pleads are falling on deaf ears. “I think I’m going to change my name to Ozzy Dolittle” he sighs.
More annoyance with the tennis folks as Sharon drops a string of F-bombs, and finishes up with “I wish I had something to throw at them, it’s going to take more than a ham this time”. She wants Lola to go out and bark, “Come on girl, lets pretend you’re a dog”. She tells us that she can’t enjoy the outdoors because of “F***ING McENROE MAKING ALL THAT F***ING NOISE”.
Later on, Oz is busy with his artwork out on the patio listening to classical music. That is such an odd sight, his doodling and that music is like oil and water. But the noise from the courts is getting to him, so he decides to switch CDs – out goes the Beethoven (or whatever it was) and in goes the death metal. Now this is more like it, lots of screaming and really fast playing. One of the little tennis tools decides to jump around to the new tunes.
The lady that owns the courts has asked one of the assistants to come over and clean up the cat poop and clean the hair off the chairs, because she’s afraid of cats. “Tell her to get a f***ing clue” nanny Melinda says. Oz and Jack discuss different ways of messing with her, and Jack comes up with a plan. He’s going to get a paintball gun and splatter the court. “You can’t shoot people Jack” Ozzy states.
Later, Jack has his equipment, complete with mask. Hmm, does he think he’s going to get return fire? He’s in battle mode and creeps out into the yard. He makes his way through the bushes and fires a few shots, moves down further and lets off a few more. He then sends a barrage of paintballs before retreating back into the house.
The next day, he’s preparing for a second wave of attacks by getting in some target practice on stuffed animals out in the yard. All of a sudden, he hears sirens and takes off into the house and up to his room. A cop talks with one of the assistants, and the assistant is able to diffuse the situation.
Ozzy is heading upstairs when he notices one of the cats is missing.
Oz: What happened to the cat Sharon?
Oz: What happened to this wild cat looking cat?
Sharon: Someone stole my Tiggy, he never came home last night. I think it’s the bastards next door.
Oz: Tiggy who?
Sharon: Tiggy, Tigger our cat.
Sharon: Our cat
Oz: Went where?
It’s clear Ozzy doesn’t have a clue as to what’s going on and who Tiggy is. But undeterred, he goes off to look for it. He shuffles through the house saying “Tiggy” as he checks the bathtub, the fireplace, and the coffee table. “Tiggy”
Now it appears that the other cat Gus is missing. Oz decides to check in the yard. “Gus, Tiggy” he says as he wanders around and through the bushes. While he’s out back, Kelly pulls in the driveway with a new cat, Mojo. Sharon tells her to tell Ozzy that she got him at the pound, but Kel doesn’t think he’ll fall for it. “Just tell dad Gus came back, he won’t notice” she says. Sharon then tells her to just hide Mojo for a few days and he’ll blend right in. Now I love animals too, but this is a bit ridiculous. They must have at least 10 critters running around by now. Kelly is able to sneak the new cat in.
Oz complains to assistant Tony about the new cat and tells him how he begged them not to get anymore f***ing animals. Tony says to tell them to get more, maybe that way they’ll stop. “Oh no”, Ozzy says, “I’ll wake up with f***ing eagles and f***ing lions in the house then”.
Profanity Count: 52
Next week: Courtney Love and a new rotisserie cooker
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