The Osbournes – Episode 15
We start off this week with the family planning a trip to New York. It appears that Ozzy wants to get away from the madness, so he decides to stay home with assistant Tony and adopted son Rob. Hey, that sounds like a party. We also find out that nanny Melinda is pregnant. Wow, when did she have time for that? The family takes off, leaving the guys (and the dogs) all to themselves. Ozzy grabs the TV remote and starts flipping, “Oh, I’ve found the sex channel. It’s a lot better than those other channels”.
They arrive in New York and check into the hotel. Jack and Melinda discuss babies. “If my first child is a girl, I’m going to try like f*** for my second to be a boy” Jack states. What, like there’s some secret boy method? He asks if she’s going to take Lamaze classes, but she’s not sure. “Well you’ve got to think about this s***, you better start reading up” he says - Cut to Melinda sitting in a chair reading a “Pregnancy for Dummies” book. Priceless.
Sharon calls home to check in with Ozzy, and he says he misses her already. She gets distracted with Minnie, saying how the dog would make a great executive sitting behind a desk. Ok, I have no idea where that came from. Oz is still in the mood to talk “hello, hello, hello”, but he doesn’t get a response. “She does this to me all the f***ing time” he says. “HELLO” he yells as he gets up from the desk, bumping his head on the cabinet.
Oz sits at the kitchen table with a bunch of money spread out. “You know what gets me about American money? It’s all the same size, it’s all the same color, all the same everything” he states, “you’ve got to be a very trusting blind person, how the f*** to blind people get on”. He moves into the living room, and watches the new little dog Sparky play with / hump Chicken. “It’s Monica Lewinski of the dog world, this is like doggie porn” he says laughingly “go on my son, go on my son, make more f***ing dogs for the f***ing house”.
Back at the hotel, Melinda has already has some clothes for the baby. “Oooo, look at this blanket, I can wrap him up like a burrito” she claims, “and this glove for washing the baby”. “And then you can clean the toilet and countertops with it, it comes in very handy” Sharon counters.
Oz decides to make a salad as the dog gather around. “I think these dogs have got a pact to try and kill me, the animal world has a thing against me over that bat thing” he says as he eyes the little critters. It’s revenge, animal karma. I f***ing hate the taste of salad”.
While Sharon is getting her make-up done, she talks about food with the stylist and Melinda. Melinda talks about how much she loves curry and has it about 15 times a week. Sharon responds with “I can’t have that, I need those f***ing turbans to wrap around my ass after I eat it”.
Ozzy and Tony head out to do a little shopping and end up in a kitchen supply store. “We need a f***ing can opener, I hate that f***ing electric one” Oz says. An employee hands him one and says that it’s the safest one. I guess he watches the show. Oz picks up some big wooden spoons, spatulas, a few cutting boards and some other stuff to the total of 1,091.43. “We don’t cook in the f***ing house” he says as the leave the store. They get into the car and it seems that Oz has finally figured out the radio, “radio on” he commands and it actually turns on this time. But it doesn’t last long though as he doesn’t like the song, “radio off” he says and again it obeys.
They get back to the house and spread out all of the new utensils and Ozzy decides to sharpen the knives. Uh oh, this could get ugly. I would try to keep him away from sharp objects. Tony is searching the kitchen for a pan, “a million dollar kitchen and there are no pans” he says as he goes from cabinet to cabinet. He decides to check the dishwasher, but it’s still running when he opens it, and he gets sprayed with the hot water. He quickly shuts the door, and opens it again only to get sprayed again. “What are you f***ing Irish or something, you get burned and you get burned again” Ozzy cracks. “I love being in the house alone” he says.
Kelly and Sharon play fight in the hotel room and the girls get silly. Kel has the advantage so Sharon grabs her boob and they wrestle to the ground. They roll around for a while and Sharon asks “have you peed on me”. “No”, she answers “have you peed on me”. They roll around some more before talking to Ozzy again. He’s bored and he misses them, so Sharon suggests that he call adopted son Rob to keep him company. Oz dials the guesthouse but the phone just rings. On the Rob-cam, he can be seen dancing around like he’s part of some boyband. The music blares, the phone rings, and he keeps dancing. Yep, he fits right in with this family, I wonder if the prince will take Oz up on his offer to stay with them. I’d pay to see that.
Oz and Tony clean out one of the kitchen drawers so they can fill it with English candy. “American chocolate has too much sugar in it, it’s like cheap” Oz says. They take a ride to an English shop in Santa Monica to load up. They appear to fill 2 of those supermarket hand baskets with candy bars while “Candy Man” plays in the background. Six hundred and two dollars later the guys get back home and begin filling the empty drawer. $602 dollars worth of candy?! As if the folks in this house weren’t crazy enough, hey lets all get a sugar rush! As Oz empties bag after bag he says that “this should last for a few days”. A few days? Christ, that would be a year’s supply for most people. There is so much candy the drawer won’t close, but after some rearranging and a few F-bombs he manages to get it shut. “I f***ing hate the taste of chocolate” he says as he shuffles away.
The family packs their stuff and heads home, and Oz greats them at the door. “Me and Rob have been having some great fun together” he says. I don’t think they’ve said 10 words to each other the entire time. “We’ve been going to church every day, playing bingo, going to bed with a cup of hot chocolate, singing songs by the camp fire, kum-by-ya” he tells Sharon.
Upstairs Kelly and Jack are at it again:
Kelly: That’s disgusting, get out!
Jack: How can I get out of your f***ing room when your ass is on me?
Kelly: I hate you, get out of my room.
Ah yes, everything back to normal. Home sweet home.
Profanity Count: 57
Next week: problems with the neighbors again, so Jack plans an attack
To contact the author, send mail to firstname.lastname@example.org