The Osbournes – Episode 14
The show opens with Sharon telling us that she and Ozzy are taking a 4 day vacation in Hawaii, and that she’s afraid of f***ing hurricanes. Uh Sharon, you should be more afraid of what’s going to happen at Casa Osbourne while you’re gone. Various assistants pack clothes, and Ozzy lays some ground rules for Jack. “After 11’clock, I don’t want you bringing home half the f***ing nightclub” he instructs. Meanwhile, assistant Tony searches for one of Sharon’s bags. “It’s a big black bag with handles and a hard bottom” she says. Tony digs through the closet (which is about the size of my living room) and finds one, “is this it” he asks, “No” Sharon replies. Six black bags later, after finding one she didn’t even know she had, she throws in the towel. “Oh f*** it Tony” she says as the leaves the room…I mean closet.
Jack is on the phone setting up a party even before his parents leave. He mentions something about single Jewish women and skinny-dipping, and I get dry heaves at the thought of him without clothes on. Kelly is already complaining to Sharon about Jack and knows that he’ll be out of control when they’re gone. I don’t see much control when they’re there, but maybe it’s just me. Sharon understands and says that he’s still growing up. Kelly says “yeah, and he still sleeps with a teddy bear”. Ok, I hope she was joking. Kel then threatens to kick the s*** out of him if he acts up. Jack is still on the phone, “here we can be as loud as we want, we have security in case anyone gets out of hand, and my mum doesn’t care. We can get away with more here than we can at any club”
Sharon is a bit nervous about leaving the kids home. No, not about their well being, she’s worried about what they’ll do to the house. Nanny Melinda and assistant Dave will be there, but she’s afraid that “things will end up like that Tom Cruise movie Risky Business. I’ll come back and there will be nothing here”. She gives the kids hugs and tells them not to f*** around, and they reply with “we won’t”. Ha, foreshadowing at it’s finest. Sharon and Ozzy head off to their private plane…let the madness begin!
Various friends of Jack start to show up, and adopted son Rob is on the phone instructing more to come over. Oh boy, this is going to get ugly. The network censor is going to need overtime pay as every other word is beeped. The beer is flowing, the dogs are hiding, and Kelly’s blood is starting to boil. She bitches to Melinda and Dave about the people and their “drunk-ass girlfriends”, but they’re powerless to stop it.
The party now shifts outside, Jack hits the pool, and Kelly bitches some more. “He treats this house like Club Jack” she whines as more folks arrive. Melinda is now pissed and drops multiple F-bombs as she looks up to the clock and sees that it’s 3 a.m. She looks shell shocked as she stands in the window and watches the debauchery. Kelly bitches some more, and Melinda asks the delinquents to quiet down. That only makes things worse, as Jack tells her to shut up because it’s Friday night. One of Jacks friends looks like Garth from Wayne’s World, I just thought I’d mention that.
Kelly has had enough, and cue the dramatic music as she makes her way outside to confront her evil brother. She starts to complain to some random girls about how these people don’t really like Jack they just want to come to Ozzy’s house. She then gets in Jack’s face and starts yelling, dropping numerous F-bombs. He tries to blow her off and says that he doesn’t care, and starts to walk away. Kelly starts swinging and kicking, and he wrestles her to the ground before things are broken up by Dave and Melinda. They continue to yell at each other as Kelly is led back into the house. The partygoers start to file out past the dirty looks of Melinda.
Jack is complaining to Dave about what a bitch Kelly is and how she cut his face with her rings. Kelly is bitching to Melinda about what an ass Jack is and how he only thinks about himself. I think they’re both a pain in the ass, and once again, I’m glad that I don’t have kids. Their bitching is humorous, as they are pretty much saying the same things about each other. Does that mean they cancel out?
Melinda gets on the phone to call Sharon, and Kel starts to explain everything. Jack picks up in the kitchen to listen in, and they start to argue again. Sharon calms them down, and Kelly continues to complain about drunk people passing out and how Jack has turned the house into the Osbourne Inn. Jack whines about the cuts on his face, which are really 2 little scratches, when we hear Ozzy in the background with his trademarked “SHAROOOONNN”. Sharon says she’ll handle things when they get home and hangs up. Jack looks like he’s ready to cry.
Later on the kids start to argue again when someone using the intercom informs them that “there’s a drunk Mexican and some girls coming to crash”. That’s followed by more arguing and another announcement over the intercom “there’s this…um…like dwarf and he’s really f***ed up”, and then more complaining. “Ok um…that dwarf went over to pet the dog and the dog just ripped his whole f***ing nose open, and he’s like…bleeding everywhere” says intercom person while the kids continue to go at it. They tell each other to f*** off and Jack heads to his room, all the while bitching at Melinda.
Mom and dad are back and go right to talk to the kids, Sharon with Kelly and Oz with Jack. During the discussion, Kelly says she gets her temper from her mum and tells a story about watching Sharon throw a big, heavy ashtray at the drummer from Motorhead. Sharon laughs and says “oh for God’s sake, he was from Scandinavia, he deserved it”. Well, like mother like daughter I guess.
The next day, Kelly and Jack are in the kitchen and all seems calm. Kelly sits down to eat and starts yelling/singing about how much she loves Easy-Mac. They babble on as they flip through a magazine, and Kelly starts to sing again, this time with her mouth full. Then in his best “voiceover man” impersonation, Jack spouts “welcome to Kelly Osbourne’s world tour sponsored by Easy-Mac”. Wackos. Not only am I glad that I don’t have kids, but I’m also happy that my brothers never acted this way.
Profanity Count: 132
Black Bag Count: 6
Next week: the family goes to New York, leaving Ozzy by himself to load up on chocolate.
To contact the author, send mail to firstname.lastname@example.org