Don't let Ozzy Osbourne fool you. The staggering, stammering reality TV patriarch can too keep track of his kids.
And by his count, he's got, well, um...however many he had before he underwent a vasectomy 17 years ago.
Osbourne revealed his sperm-donor status in a statement released by his camp Saturday.
The statement says the wobbly Wizard of The Osbournes has been accused, in a letter, of fathering a six-year-old child.
Osbourne says that can't be so on account of the vasectomy--and his devotion to family values.
"The most precious thing I have in my life is my marriage and my children and now someone is trying to destroy the harmony in my family," the former Black Sabbath singer says in the statement. "This is not going to happen."
It's not known whom exactly is "trying to destroy" the Osbournes.
The family's rep said Monday said she couldn't comment beyond what was in the press release. What wasn't in the press release was the name of the reputed claimant and her lawyer, who supposedly drafted a letter seeking what was described as an "out-of-court settlement" from Osbourne.
Osbourne, 54, wed MTV costar/manager Sharon in 1982. The two renewed their vows at an A-list 20th anniversary bash last New Year's Eve. The celebration came about six months after the actual date, delayed due to Sharon Osbourne's cancer diagnosis.
Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have three official children--Aimee, 19; Kelly, 18; Jack, 17--and one unofficial child, Robert Marcato, a family friend taken into the clan's Beverly Hills mansion (and featured on their MTV series) after his mother died of colon cancer last year.
The bat-biting Madman also has two biological children by his first wife, Thelma Mayfair. Additionally, Osbourne adopted Mayfair's son from a previous relationship.
But, wait there's more...
Last weekend, the heavy-metal head extended an invite to Prince William on the occasion of the British royal's 21st birthday.
"I've been told that you want to come and live in America," Osbourne told U.K. network ITV, in a message directed at Princess Diana's eldest son. "You're more than welcome to come and live in my house."
For those keeping score at home, that's five biological kids, one adopted son, one boarder and one potential extended-stay visitor.
Osbourne hits the road this weekend to help feed his brood. Ozzfest 2003, featuring the hard-rock sounds of Korn, Marilyn Manson and its namesake headbanger, among others, is scheduled to kick off its 31-date, U.S. summer tour Saturday in San Antonio.
Osbourne's expletive-expressed family values are seen and partially heard on MTV's The Osbournes, which launched its third season June 10 to declining ratings.