The Osbournes - Episode 12
It doesn’t take long for something to happen this week, as we see the tiny dogs vigorously scratching themselves. Some lady standing in the kitchen mentions that her husband gave her grief about the flea bites, and Ozzy comments “yeah, we live in a 6 million dollar flea pit”. I have no idea who that woman is.
We find Sharon, Jack, and adopted son Rob sitting in the bedroom talking about the movie “Deliverance”, which Rob says is sort of like a documentary about hillbillies. I don’t think that will sit too well with some folks, he might want to avoid white water rafting. Sharon said the movie scared her, and explains it to Jack who seems totally oblivious to her graphicdescriptions.
She then poses a question to the boys: If you had to choose between white water rafting, sailing down the Amazon, or going to the Outback, which would choose? Complete silence follows as the boys sit there with absolutely blank expressions. It’s as if she asked them about space-time continuum. Rob finally blurts out “Amazon”, and Sharon counters with “no f***ing way, they’ve got bugs that they don’t have names for there’s so many”. Rob seems convinced that in Brazil there is this bush that if you rub against will cause you to see fire all day. Well, he fits right in with this family. Uh Rob, you should stay away from girls like that.
Later on, it’s back to more scratching and digging in the couches. The boys are watching TV when Rob gets bit on the arm, as Lulu and Maggie have their hind legs in overdrive. The flea is now attempting an escape (complete with sound effects) and the guys try to end its existence. “Bitch be dead” Jack says as he smushes the pest with a napkin.
Kelly is planning a trip to Philadelphia for 3 days to see Bert, and cops an attitude when Sharon says she needs to take someone with her. Sharon, do us all a favor, let her go and tell her to stay. Kel whines and Sharon starts to bust her chops a little by saying that she should backpack around the world for a year too. That’s a great idea!
More scratching animals, “We don’t have an army to fight the f***ing fleas” Oz moans. Sharon calls in one of those mobile pet groomers to wash them all. Let’s see if that works.
Sharon gets emotional over Kelly’s upcoming trip, and Ozzy says “you should be happy, you never cry when you send me out on the f***ing road”. True enough, but Kel isn’t paying the bills. Sharon decides to mess with her some more by going through her bags which leads to a few more F-bombs. Kelly finally gets her things together and heads off. Cool, maybe now I can enjoy the last 15 minutes of the show.
The family sits down for dinner and those damn fleas come up again. Oz says that they need to get rid of the mattress and sofa, and that they need to be burned. He starts to mumble something about a Friday night sacrifice to the Gods, and finishes up with “what the f*** am I talking about”. They all discuss their various bites, and Sharon tells assistant Tony to get rid of the furniture because she’s got new stuff coming.
My happiness is short lived when Kelly comes back from her trip. Has it been 3 days already? She runs into the house to show off her new nose ring, and Sharon hates it, saying it looks like a boogie. I have to agree, I hate them too. Another argument starts as Sharon asks, begs, and pleads her to get rid of it. “No”, Kelly says, “I’m 18 and there’s nothing you can do about it”. How about throw your spoiled ass out, and not give you any more money? I’m never having kids.
The new furniture arrives, and it’s not what I expected. It looks like a wicker/bamboo type, and it doesn’t look very comfortable. Ozzy sits in a chair off to the side as the movers bring the stuff in, and even in his altered state, it appears that he sees the dollar signs ring up as they continue to bring in the ugly stuff. At that moment, the theme from “2001: A Space Odyssey” plays in the background as he notices a giant hand sculpture. He sits there staring at it for a few minutes before turning and smiling as if to say “f*** you HAL”.
It doesn’t take long for the critters to break in the new stuff, as one of them christens the new couch. “Martini did you piss on the couch” Oz asks, “I give you the best seat in the house and what do you do to me, you piss on my couch man”. Oz struggles through a few attempts to get up before saying “this couch is like a Venus fly-trap”. The dogs chew the corners of the new tables and tear at the fabric as Oz puts his head in his hands and leaves us with one last “f***”.
Profanity Count: 47
Piss Count: 1
Next week: The Prince of Darkness celebrates his birthday.
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