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The Osbournes – Episode 11
Well boys and girls, the royal family is back after a short break. I don’t know if it was long enough to recover from Kelly’s diva-like behavior, but we’ll see.
Right off the bat we find out that there is some kind of friction between Kelly and Christina Aguilera, as Sharon and Kel sit and discuss some quotes in a magazine. Apparently it stems from some comments Kelly shown last season about X-Tina’s Christmas album. But, I could be wrong, as Kel doesn’t seem to be an extremely rational person. She complains about her video, lack of clothing in said video, and states that “Christina’s had someone kissing her ass since the age of 12”. Hmmm, pot this is kettle…
It’s a trip to the dentist’s office for Ozzy, and he doesn’t seem to be too bothered by it. Then again, he doesn’t seem to be too bothered about anything. He assumes the position in the chair, and they start the nitrous. Oz says that there’s nothing coming out, even though we at home can hear it, so the dentist turns it up to his “special Ozzy level”. That doesn’t seem to work for him either, so the nurse turns it up a little more. She does that 3 more times. It looks as if it’s working now as Oz feels the need to sit up half way, hold his arms out, and stare ahead blankly like a zombie. After a bit of work, the nurse suggests that he rinse. Ozzy proceeds to lean over the sink and lift the cup up to his forehead – repeatedly. Brilliant TV!
Kelly and nanny Melinda are hanging out at the studio when they hear a few loud knocks on the dressing room door. Melinda answers, but no one is there. She notices Ms. Aguilera walking down the hallway and comes back in to inform Kelly. “F***, lets go” Kel says as the girls get up and head down the hallway. “She’s a f***ing c***, I can’t f***ing stand her” she moans.
Ozzy is lead to another room and waits for the dentist. He asks the nurse for more nitrous. The dentist comes in to check Oz’s teeth, and he asks for more nitrous. Even with his mouth clamped open and that little mirror in there, Oz still manages to ask for more nitrous. Better keep him away from the whipped cream.
Later, Sharon and Ozzy sit in bed watching Nelly & Justin perform “It’s getting hot in here”, on Access Hollywood. A news story comes on about the Kelly – Christina feud, with quotes and everything. “You’ve got to be f***ing kidding me” Ozzy mumbles.
Jack is excited because he ran into Christina at a club and had a nice little chat with her. Kelly’s not too happy about this, but Jack is in 7th heaven because he got to dance with her and exchange numbers and email addresses. Kelly goes into Jack’s room to yell at him about his new friend, and it quickly turns into a barrage of F bombs, almost too many to count. That might explain why he is the way he is, if I had to deal with this everyday, I’d be nuts too.
Kelly goes downstairs to bitch to Sharon about Jack and he comes sneaking in to eavesdrop. He steps in to defend himself, and that leads to another argument. A few more F bombs and Kelly starts swinging. Sharon jumps up to put an end to the fisticuffs and almost loses her pants in the process. Thank God I don’t have a sister like Kelly. I have to admire Jack’s restraint, I would’ve slapped her and told her to stop being a petty, jealous little bitch.
For Jack’s upcoming birthday, the family and a few friends head to Medieval Times, a local theme restaurant. Everyone seems to really get into the show, as Kelly and fired drummer Sara shower the “bad guys” with f*** yous and middle fingers. After the show, they all head off to the Roxy for the party, complete with a boobie cake. I still want to know who these girls are. They’re quite attractive, so why the hell are they hanging around this mess?
Back at the house, Jack shows off one of his gifts, a real suit of armor. Oh, this is going to be bad. He walks over to it, starts playing with the helmet and then announces “I just had an idea”. Yeah, you know what’s coming. He puts the helmet on, grabs one of the swords and asks “do you think you could f*** someone up with this”? Well, we’re about to find out as he takes one of his buddies outside for a swordfight in the middle of the street, accompanied by gladiator-type music. I’m glad that these folks don’t live near me.
Later that evening, Jack gets a message from Christina which he plays for all of his friends. He’s a bit too happy and excited though, and is almost giddy when he turns to his pal and says “I rule”. Ah…yeah Jack, like you have a shot. I read somewhere that she likes guys with “flava”, and Jack, you might be in the negative numbers on the “flava” scale. Although she might dig guys who wear suits of armor, what do I know?
Kelly happens to hear him carrying on about the message, bursts into his room, and shrieks like a banshee. Ah, what a fitting way to end the show. And no, it was not enough time away from Kelly. Shouldn’t she be on tour or something?
Next week: Attack of the fleas and Divadaughter gets her nose pierced.
Profanity Count: 47
Poop Count: 0
Nitrous Oxide Adjustments: 4
To contact the author, send mail to jr@fansofrealitytv.com
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