The One 7/26 Results Recap: Dramarama
Back so soon? Oh, I'm sorry. But welcome anyway, to this week's results show. Last night we saw some really excellent examples of what not to do in a singing competition, let's see what new heights -- or lows -- we reach tonight!
The Kid Is Not My Son
The camera pans the studio, and we see everyone all huddled up in nervous anticipation. No one was very good last night, so they all have the right to be worried about their own safety. We see a little behind-the-scenes video and find out that wonder of wonders, these kids do know how horrible they are! Everyone's frustrated about sucking on live TV; apparently their talent isn't being shown off very well. They're all depressed now and do not like being under the constant scrutiny of the cameras. I don't like seeing them on camera either, but that's really my own fault for watching.
They do their guitar signing ritual, and Jeremiah thinks he might be the one taking it home. I guess he didn't hear Nick or Adam singing yesterday. Adam's feeling sorry for himself, and tells Nick that he's got an automatic in because he's a part of a couple and people love to support that. Nick takes this opportunity to break up his coupleness by telling Aubrey that his ex-girlfriend is preggers. The heck, are the producers borrowing ideas from Maury Povich now too? Aubrey doesn't trust Nick anymore, and they go through their tearful angsty breakup, apologies and so on. I wonder if the fangirlies will be willing to vote for Nick next week, now that he's a baby daddy.
Surprise! You Sucked!
George lightens the mood by gathering the kids on stage and beginning the labyrinthine Bottom Three Procedure. Adam is the first in the bottom three. And, what do you know, he seems a little shocked. I wish for some of the ego these kids have. Jeremiah, Austin, Syesha and Scotty are each ordered to sit back down on the Safety Sofa. Jackie is instructed to stay on the stage; she's in the danger zone. Nick is safe, and I would call shenanigans on this, but I just can't bring myself to care. Michael is declared safe, leaving Aubrey and Caitlin on stage. You think one of them is in the bottom three, but fakeout! Jackie's actually safe and it's both Aubrey and Caitlin joining Adam in the bottom three. They are each optimistic about performing again, and they're all ready to rock. I'm ready to curl up in a corner and rock slowly back and forth until the torture ends.
Adam's ironic comments about the depth of his range come back to bite him as we review some of his most blood-curdling notes ever uttered on television. Good on you, editors. Kara encourages Adam to listen to himself. This means I have to listen to him too, and it is not a fun task as he proceeds to butcher Bob Marley's hit "I Shot The Sheriff." Oh, if only the sheriff had shot him instead. I can't really express my disdain in a coherent way, so I'll just say a long, loud BOOOOO to his performance.
Next it's Caitlin's turn to plead for her life. She sings Heart's "Barracuda" and does her feisty thing, skipping around like Pat Benatar, but she's performing the song more like a spoken word piece instead of actually singing. Well I guess she knows what works best for herself.
Aubrey is last up. She's been on an emotional rollercoaster all week, but she's ready to rock tonight. She hasn't done that yet, but there's always hope, right? Aubrey chooses to sing Joan Jett's anthem, "I Love Rock and Roll." This song is such the cliched girl-rock choice on shows like this that it brings Aubrey no credibility whatsoever. Her hot leather pants do lend her a little bit of edge, but I'm dying to ask her to name another Joan Jett song. I'm cruel like that. Aubrey manages to squeeze out a few throaty screams, and she mumbles and stumbles over the rapid-fire lyrics. I'm not buying her act, but sadly for me and my ego, this is not about me.
Head On A Leather Platter
The judges hem and haw, and dither over their choices. Once again they each take the opportunity to let Adam know in the most polite way possible that he is in no way, shape, or form a singer. His participation in a singing competition remains a mystery, and there may even be a handsome reward for the person who can solve this one. Caitlin rocked, and Aubrey was hot, but the judges choose to save Caitlin. She returns happily to the safety zone.
Aubrey and Adam are left ot sweat it out, and the final decision is left up to the other contestants. I feel very sorry for them, having to choose between a rawk and a tone deaf hard place. One by one the votes are cast: Jeremiah and Scotty vote for Adam because he takes chances. Caitlin votes for Aubrey I guess because grrrls rule. Syesha votes for Adam. Nicks makes kissy face at Aubrey and votes for her because he loves rock and roll. Never mind the contradiciton on that statement; the boy's in love. Austin and Jackie both vote for Adam, and that's enough to both keep him in the competition and make my ears start throwing tantrums in anticipation of next week. I'm pretty surprised; every fiber if my being says Adam is the suckiest suck who ever sucked, and I can't believe his peers chose him to stay. For a moment I thought that they might've voted Aubrey off because she posed too muh of a threat, but after I got done laughing I realized that that didn't make sense. Maybe they really do respect Adam's artistry more. Oh look, I'm laughing again.
Aubrey's okay with the results. She's sad to go home, but she's happy with the way things are because she showed America what she's got. Yes, but you forget we don't want it, honey. Keep rocking the leather pants though. They'll probably take you farther than this farce ever could. Peace out! Or should I say, horns up! No, I probably shouldn't.
Got any bright ideas for getting Nick and Adam off of this show? MotherSister@fansofrealitytv.c om