Big Brother August 31 – Pandora Saves the Girlfriends

I’m late enough with this recap that Wednesday’s episode is moot now that Thursday’s episode has aired. So, let’s keep it pithy, shall we and just give all of the remaining houseguests’ highlights for the episode?

Porsche – brainless HOH who opened Pandora’s box and in the processed screwed her entire alliance all for $5,000. Way to go. It physically pains me to type her name (I’ve had to retype from “Portia” to “Porsche” several times this season) as it is just so dumb. Any parent who would name their daughter “Porsche” was really dooming her to ditziness, and this week she proves that act of naming her like a nit-wit to be a self-fulfilling prophesy . This poor game move is on par with Kalia evicting her partner Lawon for no good reason. This season has the worst players ever and I really can’t stand watching them fumble through the summer.

Jordan – simpers her way through the week, still bitter over Jeff’s sudden departure. During the Veto competition, as through most of the season, Jordan does nothing of note. At least she seems like a generally nice person. Too bad this isn’t the “who is the nicest person” contest show. She gives Shelly the silent treatment like a child, but later allows Shelly to come grovel for forgiveness. Bah, I’m bored already.

Adam – really, is he still there? He’s hanging with the ladies and making no game moves whatsoever. When it came to the Veto competition which was a physical challenge involving hanging onto a dummy with their former partner’s face on it, Adam is reminded that he isn’t in great physical shape (despite losing weight this summer). He falls off the dummy and farther into obscurity. If Shelly is able to redeem herself with Jordan, he may be gone, but if not, he flies under the radar into the final 5. As a fan of the show, I was expecting much more as a player out of Adam.

Kalia – lucked out by being closest to dim-wit Porsche so she is safe this week by being picked “partner” of the HOH and gets $5,000 out of it too. I like her the best of the remaining players, but can’t forgive her for wasting her HOH and evicting Lawon. Good grief, this group couldn’t strategize their way out of a paper bag. As a fan of the show, she should have warned Porsche not to accept Pandora’s box, as obviously the season is so terribly dull the producers were hoping to keep Jordan and Rachel together in the house for the sake of drama. Kalia tried very hard to win the Veto and keep her Newbies alliance safe and showed more physical strength than I would have thought from her. But alas, Kalia only came in second place, and second only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

Rachel – nobody comes between Rachel and her dummy, or at least the dummy that has her fiancé’s face pasted on it for the Veto competition. Rachel wraps her long limbs around that dummy and hangs on for dear life, outlasting the rest of the field and winning the Veto for herself and Jordan. That means that Adam and Shelly are the replacement nominees and one of the oldsters will be evicted. I call them old because I was born the same year, but dang, I’m better preserved than they are. I think it’s the smoking. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Being 40 (or 41 for Shelly) doesn’t have to look (or sound) like that. Smoking is bad. Honestly Rachel is much more likable when she isn’t around Brendon. I wonder if she hadn’t met and hooked up with him her first season if she wouldn’t have ended up more likeable. Oh well, the likeability ship has sailed for Rachel, but at least she is trying to compete. Rachel and Jordan are both around for another week due to Rachel’s Veto win.

Shelly – oh Shelly, completely inept at yet another challenge, she quickly drops out of the Veto contest and then needs to shift her mode into kissing hinnies to try to survive the week. She throws herself at Jordan and Rachel’s mercy and embarrasses me in the process. I really wanted to like Shelly this season because of the “old mom” commonality, but it’s too hard to root for her when her entire strategy has been to attach herself like a suckerfish to a power couple and then grovel for forgiveness after making a game move. She thinks she might have convinced them that she would take a dive in the next HOH if Rachel or Jordan were the last one. Rachel and Jordan both know that Shelly’s never been a contender, so how is that an offer?

So, there we have it. Watch for Thursday’s recap, and I’ll see you again on Sunday.

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