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*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday, house time*

This is going to be one short, sad little recap. And for that, I apologize, FORTers. All the good drama was used up earlier in the weekend! When the highlight of the day is a game of tea bag cards, there’s only so much a recapper can do.

So, while BB is fixing the purple room door that dingbat Shelly accidentally locked while torturing the poor fortune teller, Jordan, Rachel, and BFF-once-again Adam are talking game. Jordan tells Cruddy that if she and Rachel are gone at the end, Adam will have the vet’s votes. Well, who knows about Dani. She’s probably going insane right now in that jury house with Jeff and his bud Brendon. Adam declares that he wants to earn his spot at the end and needs to step up his game. Uh, yeah. Insightful Jordan warns them that “We need to be careful about Porsche, she’s starting to pick it up in endurance comps.”

Know who else is starting to pick it up? Adam. With his major butt-kissing skills. Rachel tells him that she can hang out that night and talk sh*t with him like he did with the boys, and asks Adam why he never talked game with her before. He claims that he saw her as a great competitor and didn’t want to give away his secrets. Really? she beams at him. “Absolutely,” replies Cruddy. Oh, he’s good. Adam confirms his loyalty to the remaining vets, because, as he put it, they’re here to compete, not to lie. Or steal people's stuff.

The girl eats like she's getting paid for it.

Meanwhile, up in the bat cave, Kalia and Pornsche awaken from their 10 hour nap and run through their options, wondering whether it would be better to keep Adam or Shelly. Er...you don’t have to votes to decide that, girlies. But let ‘em have their fun, since Pandora gave them a big swift kick in their ample asses this week. Neither of them trusts Shelly (who does anymore?) and Kalia has issues with Adam, too. Because he eats all the bacon? No, because Dani never wanted him out, making Kalia paranoid that there’s a secret alliance somewhere.

More yammering about how “they” dominated the first half of BB, then “we” got the second half, blah blah. Pornsche gives us a stunning example of her vocabulary skills as she declares “That Pandora’s Box was so blasť.” Even Kalia goes huh?

Kalia also correctly surmises that if they make it to the end, people will say it was only because of Dani. “It’s going to be so hard to make an end speech. It’ll be like, f*** you, f*** you and f*** you. I”m here and you’re not so....what?” Pornsche thinks this is hilarious. Kalia prattles on about “This is the house that Jeff built, but I had to tear it down.” A ha ha ha. Yes, you’ll go down as one of the top five BB masterminds, Kalia. You’re awesome.

And I’m full of it.

If this is the house that Jeff built, I want to move to another neighborhood. This one sucks out loud.

If this shot doesn't keep youngsters from smoking, nothing will.

Adam later tries to join Kalia and Pornsche in the kitchen, but they insist they’re making dinner and will go outside later. “He was so excited, thinking we were going to hang out with him,” laughs Pornsche. A ha ha ha.

And oh, god, here’s where the utter boredom sets in. Seriously, there’s not much to report from the whole evening, unless you consider a game of tea bag cards exciting stuff. We learn there’s a freezer full of pizza - shocking, I know, but Kalia will get to it soon enough. Like, four chicken breasts are left. Laundry is washed. Ex boyfriends are discussed. Rachel’s zit cream is discussed. Or is that disgust? The toothpaste in the house is nasty. Weird dreams are brought up. And then, and then...a rousing game of Bullsh*t is played! I can hear the After Dark people falling off their couches in a coma now...

And then? Jordan and Rachel go to bed around 1 am while Kalia, Pornsche and our affable butt-kisser Adam play with blackhead removal strips. I kid you not. The festivities and BS continue until the fun is gone, and Adam puts us to bed with the lovely sound of him urinating because someone forgot to turn the mic off. I guess it could have been a worse sound...

Someone get Rachel some upper lip wax, stat!

Morning breaks, and Adam and Shelly celebrate by polluting the air with copious amounts of cigarette smoke. Pornsche wears her bikini at 9:30 in the morning. And Rachel feels pukey, alternating between bathroom trips and laying on the couch while Jordan takes a shower before the POV meeting. I’m starting to get that puke feeling, too. Every time I turn on the feeds. Note: as of today, Rachel has taken a pregnancy test, and it was negative. There shall be no little Bookies to remember this season of BB.

Jordan confabs with Adam and asks if they’re still good - that’s an affirmative. He seems quite ill with Shelly - hey, join the club, a million members and growing! - but doesn’t want to “go off on her” because Cruddy doesn’t roll like that. Shelly has really hurt his feelings, yet Adam says he won’t use that in campaigning against her. Ah, go for it, Adam. We won't hold it against you. Jordan whispers that Kalia has done a bang-up job of covering her butt, trying to get in good with the three of them just in case. One of us has to win HoH, says Jordan.

Feeds go poof for about an hour, and of course, Rachel has used the POV on herself and Jordan, leaving Pornsche to nom Adam and Shelly in their place. Kalia and Porn immediately begin what-iffing each other to death, like it matters. Outside, the other four chit chat about last season, where at least we had sock puppets to entertain us. Where’s Renny when you need her?

That's a MAN, baby!

*Thanks to TheIrishEyes for her excellent caps!