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*This is a recap of events from noon Sunday to noon Monday, hamster time*

Well I’ve been one happy computer room camper since Dani put the toxic twins of Brendon and Rachel on the block. Brendon is my preferred choice to get a foot in his ass on the way out the door, but I’d be happy with Rachel, too. Either way, they will no longer be attached at the crotch by this time next week. Hallelujah. I’m counting the minutes.

As my shift starts, Rachel is making heart-shaped slop pancakes for HerMan. I may be ill. They sit outside chit chatting as Shelly digs deep into her bag of kiss-ass and tells Brenchel what awesome people they’ve become. So...classy? Lawon runs out and tells Rachel her rice is burning. Because rice is so tough to cook. If these two do get married, I forsee a lot of dinners out.

Some game talk upstairs with Dani, Jeff and Jordan: Dani is nervous about putting Jordan up because people are being “sketchy,” and she’s not sure where everyone’s loyalties lie. Dani really doesn’t seem to trust Shelly, who has been playing a little too hard recently. Jeff and Jordan play along with her about Shelly. There is also confusion as to what Brendon is going to do with the veto - will he take himself off the block, or leave us to suffer with Rachel? Jeff and Jordan say they will go fishing for some answers for Dani. For now, it looks like Jordan is going to be the pawn, and she’s fine with that. “Don’t say pawn!” warns Jeff. They tell Dani they can’t commit to a longterm alliance, but a one week you-keep-me-safe-and-I’ll-do-the-same works for them all.

Jordan does her best Kalia impression.

Outside, Kalia tells a rather disinterested Croc-wearing Lawon about how much she loves her dog at home, then proceeds to share how she once held his mouth shut, cussing at him to be quiet, and slaps a muzzle on him when he starts barking incessantly. If only we could do the same to Kalia. Apparently the dog never made a peep for years, then starting barking like mad. He was begging her to shut up shut up shut up! Daniele is laying out there too, but I think she’s passed out from boredom. Elf-suited Adam is quietly munching grapes as Kalia drones on, secretly hoping she’d shut the hell up for five seconds. Or find something remotely interesting to talk about.

Dani arises from her comatose state and announces that she’s going to make a turkey burger. Kalia jumps on this and asks for one too. But I’m going to make it really spicy, Dani says. You wouldn’t like it. Kalia pouts a bit, having let an easy snack slip from her grasp. And not realizing that Dani was totally full of it, because she could have made one without the spices. Hee!

Then Kalia starts trashing True Blood, and my dislike for her is greatly renewed, as I’m totally addicted to the show. Kalia, you’re a waste of a spot on Big Brother. Seriously, you are. And I’ve watched all 13 seasons of this crap, so I’ve seen some major wastes of space.

Rachel and Brendon are in the hammock of shame, talking about who will be the replacement nom. “I’m going to f***ing switch the veto on her so they’re not going to know what to do!” he spits to Rachel. Sooo....his great plan is to make everyone think that he’s going to use the veto on himself, but in reality he’ll use it on Rachel, which will confuse poor little Dani so much that she’ll make a bad snap decision and put somebody stupid on the block, and Brendon might stay. He thinks everyone wants Dani out, and they might leave him in the game because he’s the best man for the job.

Don’t try to understand his logic, it’ll make your head hurt.

Talk turns to manscaping, and Lawon shares that he uses Neet, which I could have gone my entire life without hearing about. Then Adam pipes up with the news that some people stick tampons under their arms to absorb sweat. The others correct him, saying it’s pads or liners, not tampons. Sheesh, Adam. How could you get a tampon to stick under your arm? Never mind, I don’t want to know...

Oh, and Kalia always makes sure to put her deodorant on before she goes to bed, which Dani says is unhealthy. Need to give your pits a break from the chemicals and all. I’m not understanding why Kalia bothers anyway, since nobody is ever going to be sleeping with her, except perhaps her poor dog. Even he prefers the floor, I’m sure. More stray hair talk, and I wish I could sneak in the house and just dump a whole pile of hair on Kalia while she sleeps. Like, sweep the floor of a barber shop and get a whole trash bag of it.

Inside, Elf Adam is trying to take a shower in peace while Porsche yaps inanely in the bathroom. She’s parannoying about going on the block, and claims that she’s going to flip out if she does: banging on pots and pans, mustard on pillows, bloody tampons in the beds. Rachel’s classiness has rubbed off! Hon, considering that we’ve barely noticed you the whole time you’ve been in the house, anything you do would be noteworthy. But, the tampon thing is just freaking nasty. Don’t. Do. It.

Hey, isn’t Kalia supposed to be a vegetarian? Because she’s chowing down on Porsche’s chicken like she’s getting paid for it. She claims that she’ll return to being a vegetarian when she leaves the house. Mmmkay. Shelly dives into cleaning the filthy kitchen, while Kalia helps *gasp* and fries up some sardines for Lawon, prompting several people to complain about the stench.

Haute couture by Hefty. With new Ultra-Flex!

And then the incredibly bored hammies have decided to stage a mock wedding for Rachel and Brendon, which Rachel dubs “my trashy wedding.” No, not because she’s trash *cough*, but because they’re using trash bags to make the dress. Complete with trash bag veil and aluminum foil/toilet paper “flowers” decorated with nail polish. Oh, the jokes. "At least people that watch live feeds will appreciate this,” says Rachel. And you know what? She’s right, dammit. This is the only fun thing they’ve done all day. And Rachel’s ecstatic since this silliness makes her the center of attention.

Brendon and Rachel later go to make a last ditch effort with Daniele, who couldn’t care less what they have to say. But she listens anyway. Brendon thinks they can all start over and be BFFs again, suggesting that Dani put up Lawon as a replacement. Dani thinks Rachel still might go home in that scenario. Brendon blabs on about floaters, how the Brigade didn’t start playing until halfway through last year (huh?!), and floaters newbies blah blah floaters. You’re a broken record, Brendon. Dani says she’ll think about it and sends them off. She grabs a beer and heads to the tub, with Kalia crawling up her butt to find out what was said. Kalia boasts that she’s got the next HoH in the bag, they just don’t know because she’s been throwing all the previous HoH comps. *snort*

Kalia’s got jokes, people!

Finally, Brendon clears up the big mystery in the morning - he says Rachel has nothing to go back to (outside the house), and he’s such a Huge Target, so it makes sense to let her stay. But this decision comes with his usual lecture about how horribly stupid her gameplay is. Yes, he used the word stupid. And she didn’t tell him to piss off with his condescending crap, which I would have done. Brendon promises to talk to Jeff before he leaves and make sure that Jeff will listen to and work with Rachel. Heh.

Brendon also trashes Porsche, and tells Rachel not to believe everything she says, that Porsche might have totally sold her out last night for all they know. Also that Daniele might want to come back and work with Rachel after he’s gone; Rachel whines that she refuses to work with Dani is she sends Brendon home. He keeps blathering on about game and who to trust and how much Rachel sucks at it, and it’s all I can take not to mute him. Fortunately, Shelly and Jordan come out to join them and he shuts his mouth.

Santa's deranged little helper.

Shelly says she had to douse the living room with bug spray, and they all fuss at Jordan for not eating anything, not even a protein shake. Jordan blows off the concern, and talks about going on the block as a replacement today. Brendon insists that Dani won’t do that, she wouldn’t want both of the couples after her. Brendon is clueless that this has already been decided, but Jordan plays along beautifully. Shelly and Brendon engage in some mild Dani bashing while Rachel viciously rips dead skin off her heel. Gah.

BB takes pity on us and calls Brendon to the DR.

Jordan jokes about being able to say that they’ve lived in California, leading Rachel to ponder how to explain being unemployed for the whole summer on job applications. I don’t think she’s been gainfully employed for a while, so I don’t understand why she’s asking about a piddly three months. Plus, McDonald’s probably isn’t that concerned about her lapse of employment.

Talk turns to teenage shenanigans, sneaking out and all the bad things they did when they were kids. Rachel claims to have only gotten drunk, like, twice in high school. She was saving it all for later. She also seems to think underage drinking isn’t so bad. Rachel asked the outside crew what they would do if they had a 16 year old daughter who wanted to go out and drink: they all exclaimed HELL no. Rachel commented that she’s going to be a bad parent. And nobody argues with her.

About 10:45 am house time, Brendon runs up to pester Dani one more time. She says she just can’t put Lawon up, and he says that’s alright, I still love you. Gag. He leaves, and she puts her head in her hands. The veto ceremony is held, and sure enough, the doofus took Rachel off the block, and Dani put Jordan up in her place. It sounds like everyone was shocked that he took Rachel off the block. Really?

One for the road, Brendon.

Rachel still pouts, though she got what she wanted. Shelly sucks up and tells her to “Turn that frown upside down!” Gag me. Brendon tells his beloved that she shouldn’t be sad since HE’S the one still on the mac. She’ll never hear the end of this if she doesn’t win, I bet you. He didn’t fall on his sword for her out of goodness - he wants to be deified for it.

Kalia wastes no time in clinging to Daniele, telling her what a drama queen Rachel is. Dani wants to talk to Porsche, afraid that she’ll team up with Rachel and come after her. And Klassy Kalia claims that she’s going to mess with Rachel’s head the rest of the week by talking about Brendon going back to school and how he’ll be watching her on tv. And getting on Skype. Jordan asks around if she really has the votes to stay, and it seems like nobody wants Brendon there (except the obvious person), so Jordan has nothing to stress about.

Let’s hope not, anyway. This isn’t the brightest group of hamsters we’ve ever had.

*Thanks to Mari for the cappage!