(Registered members may comment here.)

This week, the BBC clouds part because Kendra is fighting her way through them to find Louis. Ba-dum chee. I’m here all week, but one of our celebrities won’t be! Whose story did America decide not to buy?

Tom and Brooke start off the show with a look at the current leader board, and point out that only 5 points separate 9 of the 10 couples. And then there’s Wendy & Tony. Ouch! Can you hear those Price Is Right “you lost the car” horns already? Tom asks for some thoughts from Len, and Len announces (perhaps earlier than he was supposed to?) that this week’s encore dance goes to Hines & Kym. Tom then decides to let the couple know that¸ what the heck, they’re safe! After a recap of last night’s performance and their scores, Hines & Kym recreate their samba with even more joy this time.

I’m a Fighter, Not a Lover!

The next two couples to hear their fates are Sugar Ray & Anna and Romeo & Chelsie. Backstage clips show Sugar Ray being more than pumped just before the dance¸ and more than pumped after the dance. Romeo is more subdued and reflective, since his dance is a tribute to his late cousins. After a drubbing from Len, Romeo vows to come back even stronger next week. Tom pronounces Sugar Ray safe, and Brooke declares Romeo safe as well.

"Hi Mom!"

The first filler act of the night is pop/rock band One Republic, who first rose to fame on MySpace back when people still hadn’t heard of Facebook. The band cranks (or I should say croaks) out its latest single while Lacey & Dmitry go for a spin (or twenty) on the dance floor. The song has that catchy blandness that will ensure its inclusion over a montage in the last few minutes of a Brothers & Sisters episode. Filler nutritional value: 6 (out of 10)

Pick Yourself Up, Brush Your Co-Host Off

Next up, Brooke interviews Wendy & Tony, Petra, and Kirstie & Maks. Tony smiles while Wendy opens a vein, and Brooke¸ who clearly wasn’t listening, thanks her and gives Petra a quick drive-by interview, since she really wants to get to the juicier story, CrampyThighGate! Kirstie and Maks openly want to strangle her for beating this dead horse, especially when she informs them that she is showing the video again, this time with captions of their exchanges during and after the fall. Maks says he’s totally fine now, while Kirstie (justifiably) makes fun of Brooke’s probing questions to get her to change the subject. A visibly annoyed Brooke fumbles about, reduced to a pile of ashes, and Tom quickly takes over and promises more results.

Maks covered Kirstie's mouth! DRINK!

Clips show us that Petra & Dmitry had a really good night, partly because the smoke machine was aimed at their ankles and not their heads. Meanwhile, a DJ really couldn’t save Wendy’s life during her dance. Wendy shares a theory that she would do so much better if all her personality were in her feet. Tom doesn’t even know what to do with that, so he goes to commercial. Upon returning, Tom gives the ‘safe’ call to Petra, while Brooke lays down the Jeopardy hammer on Wendy’s none-too-pleased head. As usual, Tony can’t stop smiling.

America’s Funniest Fake Videos

The next bit of Results Show filler is a gimmick of sorts: In an attempt to give viewers more juicy (meaning fake) behind-the-scenes details about the stars, the already-exhausted celebs were handed video cameras so they could tape themselves at home, at rehearsal, or wherever their agents tell them to spontaneously show up. What follows is a rapid-cut mess of bouncing children, limo rides, grumpy rehearsals, and a few funny set-ups. The highlights:
  • Sugar Ray’s 10-year-old son recreates his dad’s smooth dance moves
  • Chris says goodnight at 12:40AM, and a bleary-eyed good morning at 4:47AM, according to the clock on his kitchen stove
  • Ralph ices his knees, and then strips naked to jump into a hot bath. A big mirror ball masks his rear as his robe drops to the floor.
We also have to put up with Wendy’s flustered plane-hopping, Chelsea’s polka-dotted fingernails, and Romeo being a too-cool-for-dis playa with his posse. Filler nutritional value: 5

Wax On, Wax Off?

Next, Selena Gomez shows up in a frilly red dress and sings something. Mark and Chelsie spice things up by trying to wrench each other’s limbs from their sockets. Filler nutritional value: 6

After a break, Tom informs us that the Macy’s Design-a-Dance is still not dead¸ and that someone, somewhere in America voted for this season’s couple to dance the Jive to “We Got the Beat” by the Go-Go’s, which couldn’t be less of a Jive if you added accordions and a giant gong. Sigh.

Back to some actual results: Chelsea & Mark did it right this week, and were rewarded with a 23. Kendra whines once more about the fact that Louis isn’t her husband before they hit the floor, and in spite of SmokeMachineGate, they stumble into a 23 as well. Tom saves Chelsea & Mark, while Brooke casts Kendra & Louis into the Pit of Jeopardy. Kendra gives America her impression of a Kate Gosselin eye-roll. It’s a little too good.

DanceCenter Lite

In an attempt to win back the crowd, Brooke tries to introduce the next video filler piece, but completely misreads the prompter, and takes so long recovering that the director starts the clip before she finishes talking. In this clip, the pros weigh in on the celebrities, while driving home the company line that this is the Most! Level! Playing! Field! Ever! They are amazed that the old folks are so good, and think the kids need to stop texting and step up their game. Mark gets stuck having to say that Wendy really has the potential to improve. Louis likes to talk at length about Chris’ body. Everybody likes Hines. But there’s no ringer this year, understand? Say you understand!! Filler nutritional value: 4

How Does a One-Hit Wonder Get Two Songs?

One Republic is granted a second chance onstage, supported by the DWTS Troupe (Someone on ABC’s website spells it Troop, just to show their ignorance.) My current crush Kiki does the best, of course. Filler nutritional value: 5

Here come the final three results: Chris & Cheryl bring everyone to tears with his touching story about his late mom, although Len seemed to cry more about the dancing. Ralph & Karina bring everyone to tears with his touching tribute to his wife, although Len seemed to cry more about the dancing. But Kirstie & Maks finally bring Len to tears the right way: by falling down and getting back up again. (Huh?) They laugh in the Kiss & Cry about how Kirstie volunteered to fall with Maks so he wouldn’t look bad.

Here we go: Ralph & Karina: safe. Kirstie & Maks: safe. Chris & Cheryl: well, they need one more couple to round out the bottom 3, why not them? Okay. (Huh?)

Talk the Talk, Walk the Walk

The Jeopardettes are lined up, ready to hear which of them are going home on the next flight, um, I mean going home, period! (Yeah, there’s no suspense here…Kendra is safe, and Chris was obviously a plant, maybe to rouse his fanbase to start spending money on votes.)

"Take one long last look Len, 'cause these are GONE!"

Wendy takes the bad news like a trooper…a storm trooper that is, as she decides to get huffy and work the crowd shaking hands instead of sharing a final dance with Tony. The other couples “forget” to rush the floor to hug her goodbye. This hasn’t happened since The Situation flexed his pecs goodbye early last season…thankfully there is no such flexing this time. Ba-dum chee.