1/17 Jersey Shore Recap: Cops Always Ruin Public Drunkenness
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Welcome back, fellow fans of trashy reality TV! Instead of just our usual Thursday night dose of too tan drama, we are getting a double grenade this week. Two new episodes! Woo! *fist pump* I'm sure we will be subjected to more Sammi/Ronnie drama and the silly antics of Deena and Snooki. I certainly don't watch this show to become any smarter! If you missed all of last week's drama, please check out my previous recap. On with the show...
Sammi and Ronnie are going on Round 4 with this whole “should we be together/shouldn't we be together” crap that's been going on forever now. She says she feels stupid for hating Jenni and Nicole because they told her the truth.
Snooki, in the kitchen, decides to bite into a whole potato without even cutting it apart. She picks it up and shoves it into her mouth. She is drunk, of course. She and Deena are sporting matching trucker hats. She decides that she wants to touch Vinny's penis, but he doesn't want to take advantage of her when she's drunk. Well, you are going to be waiting awhile because she's ALWAYS drunk.
Deena starts dancing and asks Mike to dance with her. He doesn't really want to. Snooki knows Deena wants Mike, so she suggests that they all have a threesome because she's horny. Mike and Deena go into the room, but Snooki sneaks away. Mike compares it to having chicken on the table with salt and pepper, but then someone takes away the chicken. Snooki sneaks into Vinny's bed and says there is a situation. Ugh, isn't that like the 100th time we have heard that this season already? He claims he's ready to go but then he smells the alcohol on her and his little Vinny isn't so alert anymore. He says he doesn't want to and Snooki gets pissed and leaves the room. Jenni says Vinny keeps rejecting Snooks because he cares about her. She wants him to stop caring about her and just f&%^ her already.
Meanwhile, in the room of the threesome that's now a twosome, The Situation and Deena start to make out pretty much because she's rambling on and on and Mike can't stand her voice anymore. I hear ya. He says he wasn't even into it. She gets up to go to the bathroom and he leaves and goes to the kitchen to avoid Deena. Ouch. It's pretty bad when the guy who will tap anything that walks rejects you.
Pauly D and Snooki head out for GTL time, minus the rest of the entourage. As they walk into the gym, Snooki comments that she probably should have worn underwear. Ugh, pleeeease sanitize that gym equipment. Pauly D and Snooki discuss how they have to work with Sammi and Snooki wishes Sammi would just apologize. They get back to the house and Snooki squeals that her ass is very itchy and on fire. She claims she put tanning lotion on her butt and that's the cause, but I have other theories on that itching and burning. The ocean isn't the only place where crabs are living, honey. Just sayin'. She runs around the house looking for someone to kiss her ass. Instead, she sits in the fridge. Good grief. That poor refrigerator.
Sammi decides that she has to do something to get over Miami. She is always worrying that Ronnie is out cheating on her or doing something shady. Sammi wants Ronnie to air out all the skeletons, but he just goes all roid rage and screams at her. Poor Mike comes up to the bedroom to change his clothes and walks into the middle of things. Luckily he's smart enough to get out of there ASAP.
Ronnie: “I need a mind condom because I'm getting mind f*&#ed.”
They head out to the roof and Sammi says she has a feeling he's doing something to her again. He doesn't know what she's talking about. They talk in circles, he yells and swears, she cries, and he says he is done with her crap and they are finished. He walks away and Sammi sulks. Could this be the end of Sammi and Ronnie? I guess we'll wait and see how that drama unfolds.
Mike and Ronnie head out and have a little meathead to meathead talk. Ronnie says he loves Sammi but she isn't the same person he knew back when. Mike, being the all knowing relationship guru that he is, tells Ronnie that things like that happen sometimes.
Sammi, Snooki, and Pauly D head off to the Tshirt shop for work. Sammi and Snooki have the exciting job of putting shirts on hangers. In the staff break room, Sammi apologizes to Snooki. She says she was wrong and that she is glad Snooki told her the truth, even if she didn't want to believe it. Snooki has been waiting a long time for Sammi's apology and says Sammi needed to hear all the things Ronnie was doing to her. Sammi starts to cry and says it isn't okay to stay with Ronnie but she doesn't know what to do. Snooki and Sammi hug it out. Snooki calls Sammi a bitch and whore, and now they are BFFs.
Back at the house, Jenni calls her boyfriend Tom. They aren't doing so great because she forgot their anniversary. He says he had to go get a new girlfriend because his doesn't call him anymore. She tells him to call her when he isn't being a jerk, and she hangs up. Hmm... I don't see this one lasting much longer.
The hard working Tshirt shop crew arrives home and Sammi grabs Deena to mend fences. Deena is cool with being friends with Sammi but both Deena and Snooki are worried that Jenni might not be able to forgive Sammi.
Everyone gets pimped out and ready to head to their favorite club, Karma. Pauly D is ready to break out his new fist pumping move. Jenni has her boobs out in full force. Deena claims she is ready to dance, not drink. Jenni immediately runs into her ex, Roger. Deena gets up on the stage and starts shaking her little body. Apparently she was drunk when she got to the club, because she was only there a short time when she fell off the stage twice and kept stumbling around. The bouncers kicked her out and she left alone.
The Situation finds his old pal Paula in the club. If you don't remember Paula, just think of that girl who ate face with Mike in the hot tub and then fell down the steps last time they were in Jersey. She looks a lot better than she did before. I guess she had to step it up now that Mike is famous. Jenni keeps talking to Roger and admits that she kept checking his Facebook to make sure he was single. She says she wants to hang out with him and he is up for whatever. Jwoww's friend Laura tell Jwoww that Roger has a girlfriend who works at the tanning salon. Jwoww gets mad that she was lied to. He claims he isn't dating anyone, but she walks away.
Snooki and Jenni head upstairs in the club where it's roped off and decide to have their own party. There aren't any bathrooms upstairs, and Jenni has to pee. God forbid she go down all the stairs in her hooker heels, so she decides to pee behind the bar. She goes right behind the bar and squats. I know I've said this before, but I certainly don't watch this show with high hopes of classy behavior. Jenni takes the soda gun and squirts the floor, announcing that it doesn't smell anymore because she watered it down.
Sammi and Ronnie talk at the club, and she is ridiculously drunk. He says he'd give up anything for her and she hopes they can make things work. Pauly D spots his stalker from last summer, Danielle. He wants to leave but everyone else thinks it's hilarious. Danielle walks by and throws her drink at Pauly D, gives him the finger, and then attacks the camera. Needless to say, she was bounced from the club.
Vinny brings a ho back from the club, and he knows she is DTF. They do their thing and the girl leaves. Paula comes home with The Situation, and he claims she is off the charts on the DTF meter. Mike starts the grill before he gets to any smushing because he's hungry. The girl Pauly D brings home isn't DTF, so she leaves. Ronnie is trying to defrost some turkey burgers that are stuck together. He can't, so he just throws them all on the grill, paper and all. Gross. Drunk cooking is certainly dangerous. Mike takes his girl upstairs while Ronnie and Vinny eat disgustingly cooked burgers at 4:30 in the morning.
The next day, Vinny tries to wake Snooki for work, but she's super pissed. She is still wearing last night's outfit and claims she feels horrible. She has on slippers and a blanket too. She asks her boss if he wants to funnel beer and he says no. She says he never wants to do anything fun. She sneaks away to “use the bathroom” but instead funnels a beer. Wow. She is funneling beer at work. Her parents must be so proud. He sends her out to go get a coffee, but instead she goes to the bar to do shots. Afterward, she goes to get fried pickles and a Long Island Iced Tea. Her boss finds her and drags her back to the shop.
Jenni and Deena are still hungover from the club, so they head out to get coffee. Snooki gets off of work and where does she go? I bet you are guessing the library, but you're wrong! She heads to the bar! Jenni and Deena meet up with her and she's smashed. She's making old people do body shots and make out with each other. Ick. Snooki tries to get on a bike, but she falls off and screams that her vagina is hanging out. I feel bad for that bicycle. Nothing should have to have Snooki's va jay jay in close proximity. Snooki gets up and takes off running down the boardwalk in her green fuzzy slippers. She keeps screaming, “Where's the beach? Where's the beach?” Meanwhile, everywhere one looks is beach. She stops to ask a stranger where the beach is and he sort of laughs at her. She takes off her slippers and walks through the sand. Jenni is worried that Nicole is going to get into trouble. Nicole takes off into the water with her purse. Jenni and Deena chase after her and pull her out. The girls go walking back to the boardwalk so they can go get their bathing suits, but Snooki falls down and starts rolling around. She screams just wants to have fun and have a good time. She can't even walk or talk. She also has a little audience around her, cheering that the love her. The police decide to help Snooki off the beach, but she starts mouthing off. She tells the officer to get the f*&^ off of her arm. Deena and Jenni are trying to tell her to knock it off. Snooki keeps telling the police officers to f*&^ off, so they cuff her and take her down the precinct to be processed. The officer tells Deena and Jenni that Snooki is being drunk and disorderly and causing a scene. Snooki rambles that she's a good person and tells the cops that they are no fun.
Jenni and Deena head back to the house and they seem genuinely considered about Nicole. Jenni calls Nicole's dad to let him know Nicole got arrested for public intoxication. The guys get back to the house and Jenni and Deena fill them in on “the situation”. See Mike, I can do it too!! Seriously folks, if you missed this episode, it's worth going to MTV's website to watch the last 10 minutes of the show. Snooki is unbelievably hilarious.
Thursday, we find a Ronnie doppelganger at the club. Jenni heads home to break into the house she shares with Tom so she can get her dogs. What will happen to Snooki? Will she try to show the cops her va jay jay? Come on back after Thursday's episode to find out all the Snookilicious details!
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