Welcome back, bachelor fans for another round of Brad’s search for love. Tonight’s episode seemed rather depressing, as nearly everyone had some sad story about their life to tell Brad tonight. First up is Ashley S, the Nanny from New York, who is the recipient of the first solo date of this episode. Ashley S. was the lucky recipient of the first impression rose on the first night. Brad wants to know if there is a spark with her.

Michelle is very happy for Ashley having a date with Brad. Oh wait, that’s not right. Michelle is shooting hate at her and everyone else in the vicinity. She’s nuts. But according to her, she is a woman, and the rest are all little girls.

Signed, SEAL, Delivered – I’m Yours

They head off to a music recording studio, where they will sing “Kiss From a Rose” the Seal song from one of the Batman movies. This song holds special memories for Ashley S. with her now deceased father. They can’t carry a tune in a bucket. It is truly awful. Brad apologizes to “Mr. Seal” which is interesting, because I’ve never heard him referred to with a title like that.

And just on cue, they head into the next room where famous recording artist Seal is singing “Kiss From a Rose” and then another song which appeared to only have the lyrics “You Belong to Me.” It’s slightly catchier than the internet hit “All Your Base Are Belong To Us.”

Seal is out trying to get some good publicity for his family. Seal’s wife Heidi Klum has nearly disappeared since Project Runway moved from Bravo to Lifetime, and then last night she showed up at the Golden Globes in a dress that unfortunately looked like a dish of Neapolitan ice cream. Hearing Brad and Ashley massacre that song makes you appreciate what a good voice Seal has.

Seal is out showing that he can do more than just father beautiful babies with Heidi, and rocks the microphone for Brad and Ashley S., who bond over Ashley telling Brad that she lost her dad to a brain aneurysm. Then she mentions that she was 10 when Kiss From a Rose came out, and I think Michelle might be right about her competition being young girls, as that came out in 1994 when I was already a college graduate. Ok, I’m officially old.

The Dirty Dozen – Cheesy Action Film

Time for a group date. The lucky ladies are Lindsey, Chantal, Alli, Britt, Ashley H., Kimberly, Sarah, Shawntel, Lisa, Stacey, Marissa, and Michelle. I think I caught all the names, but no guarantees on the spelling. Michelle makes some crazy statements about being ticked to have to share her date with the other ladies. Is she not aware that some ladies won’t get a date at all this week?

For some strange reason, they decide to film a series of action movie sequences with Brad and the dozen ladies. This is so similar to the PSA Brad filmed with a pack of ladies last week, and doesn’t have nearly the heat that Ali had last season with her wordless yet kiss-filled scene with Kirk last season.

Brad remarks that Shawntel (our funeral director) is really stepping up in this challenge, and she gets to kiss Brad right after ripping duct tape off his lips. It’s like exfoliating your lips, I guess. Michelle gets to chip in her remarks about how Shawntel’s kiss is all fake and scripted, but when she kisses him, it will be real, and there will be fireworks. As if to annoy Michelle, there are now explosions going off behind Brad and Shawntel kissing.

Back at the ranch, the date card for the final date of the week goes to Emily, our single mom still hung up on her deceased boyfriend Ricky. She tells the other girls about her loss and her daughter. That leaves vampire girl Madison sitting home with no date at all this week. I wonder what she’ll sink her teeth into while sitting back and not getting a date. Jackie is also chilling at the ranch with no date this week. There is very little drama at the mansion this season, and someone remarks that Emily is sweet like Mother Theresa, so it’s impossible not to like her. I’m sure Michelle would boil up a hearty hate for Mother Theresa if she was standing between Michelle an a man.

We Don’t Have To Take Our Clothes Off – The Swimming Pool Edition

After wrapping up the film shoot, they adjourn to some random hotel rooftop where they take over the pool and jump in for some 12 on 1 dating action. He pulls aside Chantal, who tells some long story about how she regrets having not reconnecting with her dad before he passed away. The parade of woe continues on this episode.

They are swimming laps around the pool and ladies are angling for more time with him. Shawntel steps off for a couple minutes with Brad, but Michelle is annoyed that Brad isn’t talking to her yet. Creepy music plays while she stalks around in the background. Brad interrupts his conversation with Shawntel to appease Michelle.

Michelle launches in about how hard it is for her to be away from her daughter, but that it is very important for both her future and her daughter’s for Michelle to be there, landing Brad as the new daddy. Brad runs off to grab the date rose. We’re all wondering, is it really getting it for stalker girl Michelle? I doubt it. But the suspense – what will he do?

He goes in an elevator for some reason (did he leave the rose in the limo?), and then he comes back and gives it to Shawntel. Michelle makes some catty comments about all the rest of the women being girls, and how they will all be leaving soon so she and Brad can head off to Tahiti to practice making babies. Um, ok. As the mom of three, I’m pretty sure that it doesn’t really take that much practice. I’m just saying.

Don’t Drive That Roadster Off-Road, You Country Bumpkin

Now it’s time for Brad’s date with Emily. They head to a small airplane, which is uncomfortable for Emily, who lost her fiancé in a plane crash. They rent a gorgeous roadster and drive through wine country for some wine and cheese. Brad drives it right into the vineyard, next to the rows of grapevines. What the heck, you just voided your rental contract. Back at the ranch, Madison (with fangs retracted) thinks about Emily and what she’s been through, and Madison starts crying.

Brad is trying to pry information from Emily, who is very evasive and acting coy. Emily has lots of opportunities to tell Brad about her daughter, but doesn’t share. Brad then declares that he’s getting cold and runs to the car to get his jacket. Not very hot date so far.

Day turns to evening, and now they are eating dinner in a barn. Risking the lives of countless livestock, there are tons of candles in this barn, sitting in piles of stray and hay. I’m from the country, and barns don’t smell so awesome that I’d want to eat a romantic dinner in one. Emily launches into her sad story about losing her fiancé and having a five year old daughter. Brad gives her a rose, because he isn’t a heartless bastard. He kisses Emily and then remarks that he feels like she could be the woman that he spends the rest of his life with. Dangling prepositions aside, Brad does seem to be genuinely interested in Emily.

Time For Some Introspection By the Reflection Pool

The next day, Brad is pondering his fate over some steaming pool, and his therapist Jamie Green shows up. I don’t recognize Mr. Green, but Mr. LG thinks that this therapist looks familiar. Brad talks about his dates with Ashley and Emily and gets advice about creating spaces for positive energy and some other therapy-speak.

Armed with a fresh batch of therapy, Brad heads off to the cocktail party wanting for all of the remaining girls to open up to him. I’ve never dated a swarm of people at one time, but I have been to bars, and trust me Brad, you don’t need everyone opening up to you. Focus on the ones you actually like.

Brad starts on his mission to have everyone open up and Alli is the first victim, er, girl to have one on one time. Alli shares that her dad cheated on her mom and she had a surprise half-sister as a result. Brad shared that he’s never cheated on a girlfriend. Remember this tidbit of information for next week for their trip to Dr. Drew Pinsky.

Next up, Brad wants to spend time with Chantal, and Michelle is antsy to have his attention. Immature people (like my kids) will go to great lengths to get your attention when you’re talking to someone else. Brad and Chantal are both keeping warm, huddling under a red blanket by the fire pit outside, and he is telling Chantal that their physical attraction is great, but he wants to learn more about her. Before he gets a chance, Michelle interrupts once again and wants to “steal” away Brad.

Michelle tells Brad that she’s mad at him for kissing Chantal and Shawntel the same night that she kissed him, and demands that he explain himself. He tries, saying that his last time on the show he didn’t kiss as many women as Bob Guiney, and now he’s back to set a record. For some reason Brad seems to buy what Michelle is selling, so she’s likely sticking around and the producers couldn’t be happier. She’s drama incarnate.

Brad has a couple more mini-dates with people I can’t even identify, and then our vampire girl Madison tells him that she isn’t as into the whole Bachelor experience as the other ladies and she wants to leave. Brad tells her that if she doesn’t want to stick around, that if he offers her a rose, she should decline it. Then we get a close-up showing that her teeth fangs are removable, as they are sitting on the coffee table. Dentist Ashley H. is relieved that no-one actually filed her teeth down like that.

Following this theme, Ashley H. has an uncomfortable talk with Brad, cuddling under the same red blanket. Someone should probably spray some Fabreeze at that bad boy, as it has seen a lot of use with a lot of different people tonight. After it sounds like she might jump in a cab out of there with Madison, Brad comes back and kisses Ashley H. to tell her he is still interested.

The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony This Week

Time for the roses, and Brad advises the ladies that if they don’t want to stay, that they can and should decline the rose.
The first rose goes to Michelle.
Not surprisingly, the second rose goes to Chantal O.

Then Madison bolts for the door. Brad chases her, and she explains that she would feel really bad if she took the place of a girl who really wanted to be there. Brad says that she’s not really giving him the chance to get to know her, but he commends her for having the courage to leave if she really isn’t feeling it.

Back to handing out the roses, the third one goes to Lisa.
Jackie, who had no date at all this week, gets the fourth rose.
Dentist Ashley H get the fifth rose.
The sixth rose goes to Marissa.
Britt gets the seventh rose.
The eighth rose goes to Alli, whose “my dress is a present” speech apparently worked.
Redhead Lindsey gets the ninth rose.
Meghan (was she even on this episode) gets the tenth rose.

And the final rose goes to Stacy, some brunette I don’t remember doing anything.

So, besides early departing Madison, we also losing a couple of blondes named Kimberly, who claims he was intimidated by her, and Sarah P., who cried through her mascara like Tammy Faye Bakker.

Join us next week for Ariel’s recap to see Brad and his posse visit Dr. Drew Pinsky who asks for a show of hands who has cheated.

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