1/13 Jersey Shore Recap: Sammi The Sourpuss
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Welcome back, Jersey Shore fans! Last week when the show ended, Jwoww and Sammi were ready to get into a serious girl fight. Snooki and Deena were slurring drunken ramblings while Ronnie grunted and scratched himself. I'm not sure how I feel about the addition of Deena. I think I'd like her more if she were a little less Snooki-like. She's practically a clone. I'd love for Sammi to leave and have MTV bring someone in who actually wants to be there. Maybe if I hit the tanning bed, get some hair extensions, and develop a drinking problem I can be considered!
The show begins with Jwoww and Sammi punching and grabbing at each other. Some big dudes who I assume are security men of some type pull the girls off of each other. Pan the camera to a shot of ripped out hair laying on the floor. Gross.
Snooki and Sammi scream at each other and Snooki can't believe Sammi stays with Ronnie even though he treats her like crap. Sammi is quick to jump to his defense but Snooki says she has tried over and over to tell Sammi Ronnie was cheating on her. Sammi runs away and hides and her puppy dog Ronnie follows her. Deena, Snooki, and Jwoww have their little high school gossip session about how mean Jenni is and how she is just a bitch and mean and nasty, blah blah blah. That's certainly 3 pots calling a kettle black, isn't it?
Snooki and Deena continue drinking. To amuse themselves, they walk around in circles, they see if Snooki can fit into a suitcase, and they belch louder than anyone I've ever heard. It's a wonder that the guys aren't lining up for those two hot pieces. They get into the hammock together, but lose their balance and Deena falls out and smacks her head. I really think I'm losing IQ points watching this show.
Mike “The Situation” runs around the house, waking everyone up with his gorilla grunting. He tells Ronnie and Sammi to forget about the fight and come downstairs with everyone because they are a family. Ronnie tells him to knock off the family crap, they aren't a family. Vinny does his best juicehead call to round up the boys for GTL time. Sammi tags along too because she can't let Ronnie out of her sight. Snooki and Deena are awake and make their exciting plans for the day: tanning and getting ready for the bar. Ah, what a productive life they lead.
Later, back at the house, the boys have a conversation about whether or not the “new girl” has fake or real boobs. Pauly D claims they are real because he says he touched them. Vinny has no problem with fake boobs. Jenni thinks the guys are ridiculous. Riveting discussion.
The gang, minus shut-ins Sammi and Ronnie, gets ready to go out to their favorite Club Karma. IT'S T-SHIRT TIME! The girls spray more hair spray than an 80s rock band, and the guys are definitely keeping the hair gel companies in business. Sheesh. The Situation models in front of the mirror for a minute or two and then they head out.
They get to Karma, and not long after Vinny has a stalker. Vinny and Pauly D keep moving to different parts of the club to escape, but the girl keeps following them. They finally stop and ask the girl if she is going to follow them everywhere they go in the club. She says she didn't follow them anywhere. They walk away, and of course, she follows. The duck into a circle of girls to hide, declaring “that's how you dodge a grenade, bro” but they turn around and the girl is there! They run away again, and this time, Vinny actually hides. They seem to have dodged the grenade.
The Situation has found himself a group of girls, and what is he doing? Showing his abs of course. Honestly, who does that? Hi, how are you? *lifts shirt* It's so stupid. At least he has his abs going for him because I certainly don't think he's much in the looks department. Anywho, Mike and Vinny are hanging out with a group of girls when the girls decide they want to kiss each other. They then proceed to kiss Vinny. Snooki is off fist pumping alone somewhere and Jwoww is with Deena somewhere. Snooki finds a fake plant and hides behind it. She claims she will poop in a bush, pee in a bush, and hide in a push. Snooki radiates classiness. I guess if we wanted to watch something classy, we certainly know better than to watch anything on MTV.
Snooki and Jwoww head back to the house, and Jwoww calls Tom to cry about losing her favorite gold bracelet. He doesn't have much to say and Jenni is whining that he's being a jerky boyfriend. Snooki wants her to get off the phone and play, so Jenni asks Tom if she can call him back. He replies, “Happy Anniversary to you, too” and hangs up. Ruh roh, Jenni forgot her anniversary.
Back at the club, Vinny and Mike are checking out the scene for girls who are DTF. Sadly, I think we all know what that means. One girl tells Vinny she is up for whatever. Vinny and Mike both bring her home. Hmm, they have one girl for two guys. This should be interesting. Vinny and Mike apparently plan on taking turns or sharing or something, but Vinny gets greedy and takes the ho into a room alone and locks it. The Situation won't be getting smushed tonight. He says he will be stuck with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich tonight and Deena offers herself up as a replacement. Mike isn't interested. I surely wouldn't touch Mike or Vinny with a 10 foot pole.
The crew wakes up the next day (Sunday) and Sammi and Ronnie decide to go to church without telling anyone where they are going. Everyone else goes to the gym and then tanning. Snooki is upset because she wants to lay out and drink. Mike wants to have a Sunday family dinner where everyone stays in together and eats like they used to. Deena claims she can cook but nobody is sure if that's true. Ronnie and Sammi went out to dinner, so they won't be joining in the family fun.
Ronnie and Sammi come back and Sammi is carrying a big banana that Ronnie won for her playing a carnival game. Pauly D comments that Sammi can't come in carrying a big banana and expect everything to be peaches. He's a punny one, that Pauly D. Pauly D tells them they missed Sunday dinner, and Sammi says she could care less.
After their Sunday dinner, they all head to the T-Shirt shop where they will once again be working. Snooki wants to write down everyone's schedules but Sammi insists on copying her own. They return home and talk more about Sammi and Ronnie. Snooki still cares about Sammi, but Jenni says she doesn't care at all. Snooki would be friends with Sammi again if Sammi would “grow balls” and admit that she was a bitch but she still loves Ronnie. Deena asks what happened in Miami and Jenni just chuckles. Snooki thinks Sammi has to stick with Ronnie because she has no girlfriends in the house.
Mike, Vinny, and Deena head to the T-shirt shop to start their first shift of the summer. Vinny and Deena are working hard, but The Situation disappears to go get himself some breakfast. He says he can't function without his bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. After work, they head home to find Snooki on the deck /roof area jumping on a couch by herself. That girl is a strange one. She and Deena decide to play kickball. After a few rounds, Snooki kicks the ball too high and it flies off the roof onto the roof next door. They use a broom to try to get it, but they are both too short. Vinny makes some kind of apparatus to attach to the broom to get the ball. Success. He's a modern day Guido MacGyver.
Mike and Ronnie want to go to the boardwalk, but Sammi says she isn't going if Deena is. Deena is all excited when she hears people are going to the boardwalk, so of course she wants to go. The whole family heads out to the boardwalk. Snooki is sporting some crazy socks with flip flops and a bright pink cowboy hat. Everyone, except Sammi, has a great time going on rides and laughing. Even Ronnie is joining in with everyone. They all walk from ride to ride and Sammi hangs out alone in the back of the group. She whines around that she feels so alone. God forbid that Ronnie hangs out with anyone but her. Take your fake claws out of him for a second and let him ride rides with the guys.
She tells him she wants to talk to him but she can't. He tells her that he is having fun and she just keeps pushing him further and further away. She asks if he wants her to leave because she doesn't want to have fun with “these people”. She gets on a ride with him and she tells him things are starting to get just like they were in Miami. Back at the house, they sit together on the roof while Sammi cries and remembers what a tool Ronnie was in Miami. He tells her not to cry and says that she should be able to tell he is madly in love with her. He says that he isn't proud of what he did in Miami. She doesn't know if she can trust him. She says she never had sex with anybody but Ronnie. He gets mad and walks away. She follows him to their room and asks how he could do something like that. He says he isn't doing anything right now and she says she is going through a lot and he's putting it on her. He starts to talk about Miami and she interrupts him and he starts freaking out, F this and F that. She says she doesn't deserve to be “tawked” to like that, so he says he won't “tawk” to her at all. She wonders how she can love a guy who is so disrespectful. Here comes the Sammi/Ronnie drama all over again. Yippee.
Next week, we get a double dose of our favorite trashtastic roommates! New episodes of Jersey Shore will be on both Monday and Thursday. Snooki is going to get drunk (surprise) and it appears in the previews she gets arrested! It should be a fun time, so I hope to see you back here next week!