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Welcome to week 2, fellow chubby chasers! This season we kick off a brief weekly roundup of the all the tears, sweat, and sugarless gum-chewing at both the Biggest Loser Ranch and Location Unknown, where the shadowy visages of the new trainers lurk. No, we still don’t get to see much of the newbies, just enough to puzzle over the scrawniness of New Girl Trainer’s arms – considering she’s a boxer. Compared with Jillian’s guns, New Girl’s biceps are sad wee golf balls.

But I digress. On to the show and this week’s challenge. Host Ali lets Team Bob/Jillian – henceforth known as Team BJ, because who can resist a double entendre like that? – know that if they can manage to win the weigh-in this week, it’s immunity for all and a $10,000 prize. Team Unknown Trainers (Team UT), already having immunity for 3 more weeks, will score the 10K if they win the weigh-in.

Workouts commence, and Jillian succeeds in wringing buckets of tears from Green Team Jen. And it’s only week 2! Meanwhile, Bob digs deep into Arthur’s psyche (and you have to dig pretty deep to get to that part of Arthur). Arthur bemoans the loss of his one-time promising football career and talks about his family. Bob responds by making him jog at 5 MPH for 30 seconds. Arthur gasps and sweats (and sweats and sweats and sweats) but pulls it off without collapsing.

Later, Team BJ opens a “gift” from Team UT – 2 dozen doughnuts. Team BJ resists temptation, with Arthur leading the group in a doughnut stomp. It’s hard to decide if this hurts Arthur or the Black Team cop duo more. Ah well, somewhere, Homer Simpson is weeping.

Dr. Huzienga, knowledgeable and well-spoken yet somehow creepy, delivers the bad news about the Losers’ collective health. He also claims to have the ability to predict cop Dan’s date of death – for those interested, it’s March 19, 2020. Geez, there’s nothing computers can’t do these days. Well, it does help with Dan’s estate planning, at least.

Team BJ arrives at beach for another challenge. They are to build a bridge of rafts from the beach to the pier, then the team must use them to transport themselves back and forth. Team UT previously finished this challenge in 38:13. The winning team will claim the prize of a 3 lb advantage at the weigh-in. Team UT prevails, however, and Arthur vows to make up the 3-lb difference himself.

Bob leads the last chance workout solo this week. Arthur’s legs are sore, so Bob sends him to waddle as many laps around the ranch’s “presidential mile” as he can manage.

It’s weigh-in time for Team BJ, and although this is an abridged recap, it’s still worth nothing that Ali is looking smashing in a fabulous grey dress, with her hair loosely pinned up. She sneers a bit at the team for challenge loss and is promptly chastised by Bob. We see snippets of Team UT’s weigh-in – 79 lbs are lost in total. With the advantage, it’s bumped up to 82 lbs and a 2.46% loss. Arthur, however, remains supremely confident although Team BJ must lose 78 lbs to win immunity and the $10,000.

The numbers:

Team Orange
Irene – start weight 242, this week’s loss 10 lbs

Dan – start weight 268, this week’s loss 5 lbs
Don – start weight 288, this week’s loss 8 lbs

Hannah – start weight 232, this week’s loss 6 lbs
Olivia- start weight 245, this week’s loss 6 lbs

Jay – start weight 374, this week’s loss 10 lbs
Jen – start weight 258, this week’s loss 8 lbs

Courtney – start weight 308, this week’s loss 10 lbs
Marci – start weight 224, this week’s loss 6 lbs

Arthur – start weight 476, this week’s loss 13 lbs
Jesse – start weight 286, this week’s loss 8 lbs

Team BJ’s total loss is 90 lbs, for a 2.81% of weight loss. Arthur celebrates the win with a dance, and if you didn’t see it – yes, it was as disturbing as you might imagine.

Next week, Jillian walks out, no longer able to stomach hawking Ziploc bags and pretend TBL isn’t a game show. At least, that’s my guess. Also, I think we get to see the Unknown Trainers, which by now is kind of anti-climactic. But with any luck, Arthur will dance once more.