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Gym? Check. Laundry? Check. Tan? Check. That's right folks, it's another season of The Jersey Shore! We are going back to the roots of the show and heading back to Jersey! *fist pump*. The crazy cast needed a season in Miami so that MTV and the cleaning company they hired could properly fumigate the beach house in Seaside Heights. Crabs are hard to get rid of, you know. Miami was full of drama and led to the exit of Angelina. Will she be back? Who will fill the void? How many girls will The Situation smash this season? The fun is only just beginning! On with the premiere!

Snooki laces up her hooker boots, grabs her bags, and heads off to pick up her friend Deena. Deena will be heading to the house with Snooki this season, but the roommates don't know it yet. Deena is basically Snooki v. 2.0. They are both small, tan, and obnoxious. Jwoww is excited to get away from Tom, because he's been driving her crazy. Pauly D's mom warns him not to go into the hot tub. Vinny is prepared this year, having purchased a shower caddy for all of his shower items. Ronnie and Sammi are still together, but Sammi is worried Ronnie might go crazy at the Shore.

Ronnie and Sammi arrive first and choose a bedroom with 3 beds. Great, now someone will be subjected to their canoodling every evening. Jwoww arrives next, grunts at Sammi, and looks for a room. Vinny is next and Vinny and Jwoww are both pissed that Ronnie and Sammi took the 3 bed room upstairs. Pauly D chooses the room with Vinny. Vinny whips out his shower caddy and Pauly D and Sammi make fun of it. Snooki arrives with her friend Deena, screaming that the “party's here!”.

Snooki: “This is like gorilla juicehead Guido heaven!”

Snooki, Jenni, and Deena will be in a downstairs room together. The only person who hasn't arrived is The Situation. The only bed left is the upstairs bed with Sammi and Ronnie. I think I actually feel bad for Sammi and Ronnie in that case. Mike likes to bring the ladies back for smashing quite regularly. I don't really see the attraction to Mike. Maybe if I put a paper bag over his face...

The roommates begin to unpack and Deena announces that she is in a 2 month dry spell, so she has brought her vibrator along for the summer. Snooki whips out her vibrator, which she has titled “Elmo” like Tickle Me Elmo.

Mike arrives and isn't happy that he isn't in an MVP room. MVP = Mike, Vinny, Pauly. The upstairs room should be an interesting place.

Deena attempts to talk to Sammi, but Sammi won't give her the time of day. Sammi rolls her eyes and walks away. Deena introduces herself and says she's single and ready to mingle and also describes herself as a holiday. Mike thinks if Deena were a holiday, she'd be Thanksgiving because she's got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing. Hmm... I give those two about 4 days before she finds out about The Situation's Situation.

Evening comes and everyone decides to stay in instead of go out. Sammi and Ronnie stay up in their room and mope around while the other roommates are outside playing flip cup. Ronnie tells Sammi he is going to be there for her because he's madly in love with her. Yeah, until he gets drunk tomorrow night and makes out with other girls at the club.

Snooki, Deena, and Vinny hit the skank hot tub and Snooki is feeling jealous because Vinny is paying attention to her doppelganger and not her. Deena keeps screeching that she's a “blast in a glass”. How many times are we going to hear that this season? Snooki's little meatball face scrunches up and she cries around that she will get out of the hot tub if Vinny wants Deena. Snooki will have nobody to hook up with if Vinny gets with Deena, etc etc. Snooki brings up an event that happened a few weeks before summer when she caught Vinny sexin' it up with her friend Ryder after they all had gone out. These people are seriously disgusting. I feel like I need to go get a shower when I'm done watching this. Snooki tells Vinny she cares about him and he says he cares about her too. Deena gets out of the skank tub, which was a smart decision on her part. Snooki goes in for the kill and tries to kiss Vinny, but he says he can't. He doesn't want to hurt Snooki's feelings if he'd smush her tonight then smush another girl tomorrow because he knows Snooki likes him. She gets pissed and leaves.

My favorite exchange of the season so far:
Vinny: I'm sorry I have a f*^&ing penis.
Jwoww: Stick it in one of the jet holes and go to bed.

Later, “blast in a glass” Deena can't find her lucky hat. She asks The Situation to help her find her hat. Pauly D thinks that cowboy hat is probably another term for Deena's kooka. Despite the mass quantities of hair gel seeping into his brain, I think Pauly D may be right on this one. Deena and Mike go down to her room and she finds her actual cowboy hat. Yes folks, it's a hat, not her va jay jay. Just when I think this whole thing is legit, she decides to pull her dress off and drop her bikini bottoms. Mike sits there and smiles like a goon, declaring there is a “Situation”. Like we haven't heard that overused pun a million times before. Deena, in her drunken stupor, has a moment of clarity and pulls her bikini back up. Nothing happens between them and they head back upstairs. She claims she had no idea she even took her bikini off because she had her eyes closed. I think 6 year olds are beyond that “if I close my eyes, you can't see me” stage.

Everyone goes to bed except Snooki and Deena, so Deena decides she is going to go wake up the people upstairs. Snooki thinks Deena is on crack. Deena heads upstairs and jumps in Mike's bed and tells him to wake up. She tells him she's trying to have a good time and says he's annoying and he calls her annoying too. Sammi laughs and Deena gets pissed. I can see where this is going. If I don't see fake nails and fake hair flying around by the end of this episode, I'm not watching the rest of the season! Dejected Deena gets pissed because she just wants to cuddle with Mike, but Sammi keeps laughing. Meanwhile, the Oompa Loompa known as Snooki is at the bottom of the steps shoving chips into her face.

By this time, everyone is awake and Deena is whining and crying in her nasally voice in the kitchen. She calls Sammi the nasty C word and says she hopes Sammi rots in hell. She's running her mouth and The Situation comes downstairs. Why? Because there's a situation of course! He says it was very audacious of a rookie to be doing that to a veteran. The meatheads scratch themselves and grunt that they don't know what audacious means. Mike tells Deena she is going for a rookie of the year award. She continues screeching like a monkey about Sammi and then she mentions Ronnie. Ronnie the Ape jumps out of bed and flies down the steps and starts going roid rage on Deena's ass. He says it's his @$#^# house, and not to get him @#$@#$ involved. Deena, Sammi, and Ronnie are all yelling. It goes a little something like this:

Deena: “First of awhal, I don't give a @#$@ who you areah. Second of awhal...”
Sammi: “Don't cwall me that word.”
Mike: *mimicks Deena*
Ronnie: *off in the corner scratching himself*

Snooki jumps in the melee and tells Sammi she's the biggest bitch Snooki has ever met. Snooki says she may be small but she will attack someone like a squirrel monkey. F bombs, C words, bitch, slut, etc are flying around like grenades. Speaking of grenades, Deena is silent at this point while Snooki and Sammi have at it. Snooki screams that Ronnie's mom calls her all the time and asks why Ronnie was with that “bitch” Sammi. Ronnie says nothing to that comment. Snooki says she will always love Ronnie even if she hates Sammi. Sammi screams that Ronnie doesn't even like Snooki. He jumps in and calls Snooki a loser from Poughkeepsie. Jwoww joins the fun and I have no idea what she says because her whole sentence is bleeped out. Sammi jumps up and screams that she will @###$% pound Jwoww. They go after each other, arms waving, and then they start throwing punches.

What happens next? You'll have to wait until next week to find out! Come on back and join us here at FORT in our brand new Jersey Shore forum! If you're lucky, I might even be wearing my “cowboy hat”!