Welcome to my final recap for this Big Brother season, and shockingly, there will be nothing to report. On Thursday’s episode Lane won the second leg of the final HOH competition, assuring that he will compete against Hayden in the final leg to be broadcast as part of Wednesday’s finale. The winner of that final leg will choose who to face in the final vote, and who is the last member of the jury voting for the winner.

Enzo is at the mercy of his former alliance-mates, while Hayden is feeling quite confident that he’s in the final two even if Lane wins the last leg. So, with absolutely nothing new to report, the producers decided to give us an entire episode of the members of the Brigade hosting “our favorite clips” which makes very little sense, as they we’re even privy to some of the clips that we’re watching. Case in point, Andrew’s confessional explaining why he decided to get up and run around when the lights went out on the first night in the house. Andrew’s explanation: he has no social skills. Check, we got that one.

I’m not opposed to clip shows. I watch The Soup every week, as that is my only method of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and tracking all those other shows that The Soup will watch to spare me the pain. However, I’ve seen most of these, and I was promised some previously unaired footage. I demand to see something that I haven’t already recapped.

Next up, the Brigade reminisces about the origins of the Brigade alliance, and then turns their attention to the other “power alliance” of this season, Brenchel. Oh yes, we get lots of clips of Brendon and mostly Rachel, featuring:

• Rachel’s annoying laugh (that travels through walls just to annoy Lane),
• How Brendon “blinded her with science” and they fell madly in love, and of course,
• What a raging witch she was to everyone in the house (including poor Brendon).

We are reminded that poor Annie only spent one week in the house, didn’t get any prize money for being the Saboteur, and had to sit next to Brenchel when they first feel in love in the hammock. Poor Annie.

Speaking of show-mances, we get lots of film about “Captain Kosher” Andrew outing Hayden’s secret romance with Kristen. Andrew launched his bomb on his way out the door, and it was very effective with slightly delayed damage because that same day Rachel won her second HOH contest and immediately went after Kristen with a venom that seemed completely inappropriate, and of course, entertaining. Lane was still reeling with the knowledge that Hayden and Kristen were making out and were not actually cousins, and then to see an all-out girl fight, this was more than his little mind could handle.

Next we see clips from the brief appearance of Zingbot 3000, who woke people up with terrible insult jokes. Lane’s little brain is the only thing from Texas that is small. Hayden has Justin Beiber hair. Kathy is going 40 in a 25 zone (i.e. she is old). Britney, I heard you -got engaged – congrats to you and your brother. Matt is a hobbit from middle earth. And, you’re all losers. As an insult comic, the Zingbot has nothing on Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. Triumph would love to poop on this whole clip show. I thought with this appearance on the clip show that we’d find out that the Zingbot was actually someone from a prior season (maybe Jessie, but then he showed up later to torture Britney with exercise tips), but no. It was just some unknown actor. Let that be a precautionary tale to anyone hoping to move to California to make it in show business – you could be next Season’s Zingbot or Otev, if you’re lucky.

Next topic – the side alliances. Hayden’s side alliance with Kristen was short lived, and she was a weird girl who ate a spider (yes, a living spider) for absolutely no reason. Matt was turned on by that. Everyone else was grossed out, but Hayden did make out with her that same night. I hope she at least flossed first.

Lane’s side alliance with Britney was up next. They showed plenty of clips of Britney and Lane hanging out and teasing each other. They show Britney standing up to Brendon when he was calling her 3 foot nothing and corrects Ragan on how to pronounce “Neanderthal” incorrectly. Here’s a tip, Brendon: women don’t really care too much if they’re short – it opens up the dating pool considerably. Shorter men may or may not care, but shorter women, who cares? And yes, I’m all of 5 foot 1. It didn’t stop me from dating guys of all heights, and marrying Mr. LG, who is more than a foot taller than me.

Enzo did not have a side alliance. Maybe it was because he’s married, but that certainly didn’t stop Matt from having a side alliance with Ragan. Maybe Enzo just really didn’t click with anyone that he hadn’t labeled with a silly nickname. Even though Enzo attempted to take credit for the idea of Brigade members having side alliance, he didn’t seem to even attempt to form one. Perhaps that is what it means to be a Meow Meow.

Not only didn’t Enzo make any side alliance – he never won HOH and never got to reside in the HOH room. He thinks that was ok, as then he wasn’t tempted with Pandora’s Box. They talked about how Matt squandered the Diamond POV by using it to get Kathy evicted instead of making a strategic move. There seems to be no love lost between this trio and their discarded alliance-mate Matt. It will be interesting to see how he votes next Wednesday and if he marches out a bitter parade (or if Matt is too busy being on the defensive about lying that his wife has a terrible disease).

They talked about Pandora’s Box punishments and we get more clips of the fun Dance Party from Lane’s time as HOH. Julie Chen has commented that she loved the 24 hour dance party, and wants to make it a permanent feature in future seasons. I know Julie had a baby just a year or so ago, but I wonder if she’s already started watching Yo Gabba Gabba, as this punishment was pure dancey dance fun like with DJ Lance Rock. My name is LG, and I like to dance. *shakes my grove thing*

And of course, the most inhumane of all Pandora’s Box punishments – Rachel’s 24 hour return to the house. They showed her attempts to intimidate Ragan, who was able to talk circles around her, as apparently having a communications degree is better when it comes to debate than some interest in chemistry and Vegas hosting.

Next up, some previously unaired clips about everyone in the house (particularly Enzo) making the “That’s what she said” punchline for every possible innuendo comment, and the funny part, is that Lane doesn’t get it. Even Ragan is trying to explain this concept to Lane, with no luck. Did we mention that Lane isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer? As a follow-up, current day Lane tells us that it is now time to drop the “dumb” act and win the final HOH and get the votes for the $500,000. It should be interesting, to see the new super-smart Lane emerge. I’ll set my DVR just in case I need to review film to try to catch it next Wednesday.

The topic of the Saboteur came up. They still have no clue that Ragan was the second Saboteur of the season and pocketed $20,000 as his reward. They still think it was Kathy because she bothered to make beds in the house. No good deed will go unpunished. I guess that is why Britney never took it upon herself to pick up the house cleaning duties until ants were marching through their kitchen in legion.

Next up, some perhaps previously unaired clips about Rachel being mad at Brendon for not wanting to hear over and over how “Vegas” she is. Maybe it’s because like most everyone else in the world, “being Vegas” equates to cheap, tacky, and unethical, and Brendon would prefer to think that his girlfriend is not those things. Guess what, Brendon – you are dating Vegas, I hope you’ve got lots of penicillin.

Finally, we see the rather recent clips of Enzo (with Lane reluctantly in the room) telling Britney about the Brigade alliance, and Hayden showing up to confirm it and let her know that she’s next to go. The Brigade mates congratulate themselves on their “best alliance ever” success, and we look forward to next Wednesday, when finally, something will happen. Sadly, that will also mean releasing the rest of these folks (and the jury, who are still sequestered) back into the public. Tune in for Ashley’s great recap and we’ll stick a fork in this season once and for all.

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