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Me monkey. Me swing from vine. *burp* *fart* *scratch* These are the exact thoughts I'm sure are going through the heads of the Meat Squad as they are being banged against a wall over and over again, all in the spirit of making it directly to Round 3 of the Final HoH competition. When we left Wednesday's show, the HoH competition was just beginning. Enzo was screaming about being a Meow Meow and Hayden couldn't see a thing due to that mop in his eyes. Let's find out which tool lasted the longest!

Enzo's Boys Are Squished

The guys are screaming and banging into the wall, which doesn't exactly look like a fun time. Enzo knows he has to win because neither Lane nor Hayden will take him to the Final 2. Lane can't trust Enzo or Hayden to take him to the finals, so he has to hang on for as long as he can. Lane is bummed that Britney had to leave the house. He loved hanging out with her and says it feels like he lost a family member. Hmm, didn't he refer to her as his dog? I guess by family member he means “a good dog”. Anyway, back to the competition. It begins to rain on the guys and they complain about how cold it is. The rope is wet and the seat is wet. Enzo complains that his boys aren't exactly in the most comfortable of positions and he isn't sure he'll be able to have more children after this competition. Enzo does get on my nerves, but leave it to him to make me laugh.

Lane compares this competition to a Texas bar fight. You get slammed from wall to wall, get alcohol poured on your head, and when you wake up your testicles hurt. I'll take his word for it. He talks a big game, but I bet he isn't as rugged as he thinks he is. Who knows. I do know he has an IQ that is probably equivalent to the cattle he ropes. The guys get slammed again and again, when at 19 minutes and 14 seconds, Enzo falls. Wow, way to make it a whole 19 minutes Enzo. You're really in it to win it, aren't you? I think the Meow Meow is just a big Pussy Pussy.

Neither Lane nor Hayden want to make deals with each other, so they both stay on their ropes. Enzo decides to make himself some soup and some pizza. He heads back outside into the freezing cold, stuffing his mouth with hot food while the guys are sore and shivering, still on the ropes. After a grueling 2 hours and 35 minutes, Lane falls off of his rope. Hayden is the winner of Part 1.

Jerseylicious

Julie takes a minute to go to the living room to talk with the remaining three guys. She asks Enzo how the Brigade pulled everything off and how they made it this far. He has no idea. There's a surprise. She asks Lane how hard it was to keep the alliance a secret. He says that it was very hard because he wanted to tell everyone about his super awesome alliance, ramble ramble. If I only had a brain...

Hayden, sporting a wet mop tonight, gets the final question. Julie asks how people on the jury are going to feel once they find out about the Brigade since it's likely Britney will tell them. He says they are going to hate the Brigade. I know I do! Julie switches gears and give them the schedule for the next week. Whoever wins this episode's HoH competition (Part 2) will compete LIVE against Hayden in the final part next Wednesday. The winner will pick who will be in the Final 2 with him. The evicted houseguest will immediately join Julie in the studio with the rest of the jury, and jury questioning will begin.

In an apparent attempt to fill some unused time, we get a glimpse into the life and times of Enzo's family back in New Jersey. His wife, Joella, is very pretty. She says that Enzo is hilarious and always the life of the party. Their daughter is such a cutie too. Joella claims that Enzo is a wonderful dad. Enzo's mom, Teresa, gushes about how funny and happy Enzo is. Joella also claims Enzo is being underestimated in the house. Hmmm... it's the last week and he still hasn't won a whole lot. I don't think that's underestimating, I think that's the truth. She's glad he is in the Brigade because it has worked for him. She also thinks he is playing such a good social game because he manipulates people into doing his dirty work and they don't even know it. Hmm, not seeing that either. I'm beginning to wonder if we are talking about the same person on the same show.

Nobody Comes Between Me And My Jury House

Let's (happily) switch gears and check out some jury house footage. Yay! As you know, this is always my favorite part of the show. I've been so excited to see Ragan's reaction to Matt's big lie about his wife. Kathy, Brendon, Rachel, and Matt are doing some arts and crafts when Ragan prances into the house announcing that another showmance is in the jury house. He comes yielding a DVD with all the footage of how he got evicted. Great, I'm going to be singing Otev the Broadway Clam songs all night now. That stuff gets in your head and won't leave. Rachel looks so happy to be watching Ragan's eviction. I'm surprised she can still emote on her face with all that botox she's packing.

Matt asks Ragan to go outside so he can tell him something important. He drops the Stacey bomb and Ragan doesn't know what to say. Ragan feels like Charlie Brown when Lucy keeps pulling the football away. He looks upset, but I'm not getting the drama queen meltdown that I've so been hoping for. Lame.

Everyone goes outside to join Ragan and he reveals that he actually has a PhD and is a professor of Communications. Rachel asks if he thinks his PhD helped in the game and he said Big Brother isn't about book smarts, it's about how you interact with people. Rachel, of course, turns things back to her and asks Ragan if he thinks she had a bad social game and he laughs and says yes. They bicker back and forth again about how Rachel likes drama and was always at the center of every fight. Rachel thinks Ragan doesn't listen to anything she says, blah blah. Yip yip yip these two are like yappy poodles going at each other. He says there were no more fights in the house when she left, but she fires back that there weren't any fights in the jury house until he got there. Cat fight! Rachel tells Ragan to go grab his fu*$%^# tiara and go be a queen because she's over him. Snap! There isn't enough room in the jury house for two bitches. I love it.

Frankenmorph

It's time for Part 2 of the HoH competition and it's finally the morph competition! Lane and Enzo will both see five pictures. Two houseguests faces have been morphed together to look like a Frankenstein head. They have to figure out the two people combined to make the face. For each correct picture, they will get a point for a maximum of five points. If both Lane and Enzo get five points in under two minutes, the person with the fastest time will win.

Lane goes first. He does pretty well. He gets all five faces correct in 1:13. Enzo goes next and also gets all the faces correct. His time was 1:43. Not too bad for an Enzo time! Because Lane was faster, Lane wins Part 2 of the HoH competition and will face his bro Hayden in Part 3 next Wednesday. He says he feels sweaty and numb. Enzo feels bad that he lost and says that it is what it is. Pussy Pussy.

Well, we are heading down the home stretch folks. Sunday will be a not so thrilling clip show and next Wednesday at 9pm is the live SEASON FINALE!! If you are so over this season like a lot of other people, come on back here for all of the details dished up with a side of snark!