Other regrettable wardrobe/appearance choices in this episode:
•Nikki in Vegas looking like she’s been cast as Squanto’s mother-in-law for the Thanksgiving school play––thirty pounds of turquoise jewelry draped over her too-ample bosom. Note to Nikki’s friends: If she asks you “Did this white dress make me look fat?,” the correct answer is “And How!”
•Weatherman sloppy as heck at the Rose Ceremony, wearing a shirt in a color I thought they only used on hospital walls. And, no, Jonathan, untucking your shirt does not make you look taller.
•Bad David Good trying to change his image by donning a sweater-vest last seen on TV in “Mr. Rogers’s Neighborhood.”
•Harrison in a Pepto-Bismol-Pink polo. The question is: “What did CH do to the show’s stylist to make him so vindictive?” After last week’s purple polka-dot tie paired with tablecloth-checked shirt and now this travesty, I’m sure something’s going on between those two.
•Natalie and Dave showing up for breakfast in matching black & white–Dave dressed as a Kung-Fu master and Natalie looking like a terrorist with a fringed kaffiyeh tied around her neck.
•Gia’s Hillary-Clintonesque headbands.
•Krisily’s wearing bump-its that indicate a grape-fruit-sized tumor may be emerging from the top of her skull.
After Last Week’s Rose Ceremony
Gia, who completely blew the Outsiders’ strategy by giving the rose to Wes instead of Hair Craig, tried to pin responsibility on Nikki for refusing to oust Kiptyn. Nikki responds, doing what she does best, whine. Gia informs the viewers, “She kinda F*d us.”
“I Didn’t Know Everyone Was Going toTurn into Porn Stars.”
The good news is: there’s not another pie-eating contest this week. The bad news is: it’s a Kissing Contest, so it may induce barfing anyway. Each of the girls will be blindfolded as she is kissed in turn by the guys and vice versa. The girl and guy voted “best kisser” by the opposite sex gets a rose and the opportunity to pick three companions for what, I am sure, will be a fabulous date opportunity.
Right off the bat, Ashley announces that out of respect for her impressionable high school students and a desire to preserve her dignity, she will not be participating. Now some of you are probably saying, “but she’s the slut that wore the flight-attendant’s skimpy costume to seduce the Pilot last season.” I must defend her against this allegation. After all, when was the last time you rode an airplane and the flight attendants sashayed up and down the aisle kissing the passengers? See? It’s just such a different way to embarrass oneself. Kovacs isn’t buying it, “Ashley’s being pretty lame, walking around all day wearing nearly nothing, then when it comes to it….”
The other contestant reluctant to participate is Gia, who screws up her eyes trying to force out a tear, and she explains that she has a boyfriend waiting for her back home, and she’s just a bit concerned he may not be thrilled with the idea of her swapping spit with a bunch of other dudes. Gia gives the first couple of guys a peck on the lips, but apparently it’s not doing a lot for her, and after some heartfelt counseling by Host Harrison, she opts out, runs into the bunkroom and pretend-sobs. She’s shocked, just shocked, by the other girls’ behavior, “I didn’t know everyone was going to turn into porn stars.”
Natalie, on the other hand, is very enthusiastic, “I think I’m going to win this competition because I’m not afraid to kiss the guys. I’d make out with every guy here for twenty bucks.” And no, I don’t know whether she meant twenty dollars per guy, or whether that was the group rate. Natalie later confesses, “I just realized how gross this is; I got tongue from all the guys.”
Elizabeth, too, is excited about the opportunity to kiss all the guys, “except for Jonathan”, she informs Mrs. Rycroft Strickland. Her worst fears must have been realized: after she kisses the Weatherman, she spits on her hands and then thoroughly washes them in the pool.
This brings up an important point. Jonathan is a good foot and a half shorter than the rest of the guys. It seems to me the only fair thing to do would have been to let him use a pair of stilts or stand on a kitchen stool or something. The girls had to know they were kissing the shrimp. Still, he found the experience quite exhilarating, “Kissing #2, I definitely needed a cold shower and ten minutes in the bathroom by myself.”
“Going In for the Kill Doesn’t Turn Me On, Unless I’m Absolutely Hammered.”
Yes, you guessed it, that was from the Yodeler, Mr. Hayden, who confessed, “I was so nervous; I was the last guy. I’m kind of a germ-a-phobe, thinking about kissing all these girls who’ve kissed all the other guys just made me sick.”
Finally, the votes are tallied and the winners declared. You could have knocked me over with a feather: it was Peyton (who said she decided to go for “soft, gentle kisses”) for the girls, and David Good for the guys. Watching at home, Juan is throwing his Appletini glass across the room in anger.
Tenley was so excited when she was kissing Kiptyn that she was trembling all over and asked if she could have some more.
What Happens in Vegas….
…gets broadcast on national TV. For his date to Vegas via private jet, David has chosen Nikki (Natalie says “going to Vegas with Nikki is like going with your grandmother”), because “she’s handled herself with class and exceeded my expectations,” Krisily with whom he’s “had my ups and downs” (Krisily by the way, admits that previously she has only found herself attracted to Dave when blindfolded, but now finds herself “feeling like a 12-year-old”), and Natalie because, well, let’s face it, Natalie is a good-time girl.
For the afternoon, the foursome will have to themselves BARE, the nude pool/lounge area at the Mirage hotel. Krisily goes for some alone time with David, but her conversation is so boring he’s immediately distracted by the site of Natalie bouncing across the pool chairs. He asks hopefully, “Is she drunk already?” Krisily sighs, her cause already lost, “maybe a little.” She knows, though, that she’s better than Natalie in one way, “I don’t think she’s somebody he’d bring home to mama.”
Before we can say “bare naked ladies,” Natalie is frolicking in the pool and ripping off her bikini top. Dave is ecstatic, Nikki and Krisily dumbfounded. Dave, trying to be inclusive, pulls them all in for a “group naked hug.” I daresay if Nikki or Krisily had drowned, he wouldn’t have bothered to pull their corpses from the water. Really, to make a very lame pun, they were just throwing cold water over his fun.
The evening finds the group all dressed up and in a luxury villa. It takes all of ten seconds for Dave to say he had fun with everyone and hopes “there’s no hard feelings” but Natalie’s getting the rose and the sleepover. The brief glimpses afforded the viewer of Nat and Dave utilizing the suite’s amenities lead one to believe that a good time was had by both.
Indeed, by the next morning, Dave is ready to declare they’re now a couple, “I’m definitely happy to have crossed that line with Natalie. She’s got good character. It’s two against the world now.” (Yes, I think that’s exactly the first thing I too would have observed about Natalie, her character.) As to the rest of the Bachelor Pad occupants, it’s none of their business, “Natalie and I are together now, we agree nobody needs to know because they’re trying to break up couples.”
The Princess Gets Ejected, Rejected and Dejected
That same morning, back at the mansion, things are not going nearly so well for the Good Girl, Tenley. Having failed to do her homework and read, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” she tries to show some spunk by climbing into the bunk with a sleeping Kiptyn. He does everything but push her onto the floor, telling her in no uncertain terms that being seen with her in his bed is neither something he desires nor conducive to his game-plan. Natalie does her best to comfort Tenley, “It’s not like you tried to take him into your own room. I’m sure if he knew you were this upset, he’d probably be like, ‘Oh, no.’” Somehow, I doubt that.
Kiptyn Lies!!! Kovacs Lies Too, but That Was to Be Expected.
For her date, Peyton has invited Kiptyn, JesseB and Kovacs. Peculiar Jesse has high hopes, “Things with Natalie and I are over. If Peyton gives me the card to the Fantasy Suite, I feel like we can kick this relationship into overdrive.”
Their destination is the Irwindale drag racing arena. Suffice it to say, I don’t think anyone in his group will be seen in any Nascar races ever. Soap-Box Derby is more their speed. Kiptyn and Kovacs make half-hearted attempts to convince Peyton they might be available, but even they don’t seem to believe what they’re saying. Kiptyn tells Peyton that he’s not ‘dating’ Tenley, “I’m not sure we’re the type of person who’d really gel, but it doesn’t matter because everyone in the house thinks we are, even though I’ve explained we’re just friends.”
Kiptyn, in a confessional, makes an astonishing admission, “I actually lied to Peyton. I’m not opposed to pursuing something with Tenley; maybe we can gear up and power it through here.” (And whatever intern thought that line was cute, being motor-related and all, should get fired. Probably the same one who fed JesseB the ‘overdrive’ line.)
Kovacs pitch to Peyton is, “Right away in the house I knew you were a cool chick.” Peyton questions him about his relationship with Elizabeth, asking if he’s planning to “take her to the end.” Shoot no, Kovacs protests, truth is, “You’re more the kind of girl I’m looking for.” To shut her up, he kisses her.
The two K’s watch as Peyton and JesseB sit on the grass beside the asphalt and make out like a couple of teenagers behind the bleachers at a football game. Kovacs observes, “that’s why I’m thinking we don’t have a shot in this.” He’s right, JesseB gets the rose, and when they return to the mansion, an invitation to join Miss Peyton in the upstairs Fantasy Suite, which has hitherto been chained and padlocked. For good reason, I might add: it looks as if the furnishings might have come from “going out of business” sale of the The Chicken Ranch. I hope somebody thought to check for bedbugs.
Kovacs makes a feeble attempt to retrieve his manhood from Elizabeth, “Is there the slightest chance from here on out you could be consistent?” She laughs at that, “There’s a small part of me that likes that you’re having to struggle a little here. Just kiss my ass on competition days and you’ll be fine.”
Screeching and Snuggling
We now come to the part of our program where Gia, in a desperate attempt to save herself from elimination, feigns interest in Wes. Oh, come on, people, don’t pretend her interest in the Yodeler is real. Gia’s last boyfriend, pro hockey player Chris Campoli, just signed a contract to play for $1.9 million dollars. The one before that, Carl Pavano, makes ten million a year as a pitcher in major-league baseball. The Wes Hayden Band plays in bars where the patrons are to cheap to pay for Budweiser beer.
It’s clear Gia has been thinking about the Rose Ceremony and has run the numbers in her not-so-ditzy head. When Wes tells her he’ll do anything to keep her around and that he has “the Weatherman and JB voting with him,” she counters, “It gonna be a tie and Dave is gonna break the tie.” In other words, ‘dude, go work on Good if you wanna keep drooling over me walking around in a bikini’.
She coos, “I want you. [sexy breathy pause] I want you to be the last guy here.” That does it. Out comes the geeeetar. I’ll bet some of you, who have great recollection, are thinking, “But Wes told Harrison at the Meet and Greet that he didn’t bring along the instrument this time.” And you would be right. But the Country Crooner, thinking-hoping-praying that just such an opportunity as this might arise for him to once again humiliate himself in front of a nationwide audience has had the foresight to borrow Weatherman’s guitar.
Now, I’m not saying “Love It Don’t Come EEEEEZZZZY” is a bad song. Okay, that’s exactly what I’m saying and Wes’s rendition of it sounds a bit like the screeching of a cat whose tail has just been stepped on by a large man wearing hob-nailed boots. How dense is this guy anyway? Did he learn nothing from his previous forty-eleven performances of this original creation on Jillian’s season? As in, “America is laughing at you, Wes, not with you.”
And yet. And yet. Gia (who by this time is looking a little woozy and slurring her words) waxes rhapsodic. “I never heard a song where I actually listened to the lyrics.” Really? Never? Not even the O’Jay’s Money Money Money? “To look at this boy and think he could write something so beautiful it just gets to me. I’ve never met a person like that boy in my life, he’s like a modern-day Shakespeare, only cuter.” I never met Shakespeare, so I can’t challenge the cuter part, but I’ve read enough to be pretty sure ol’ Will never used atrocious grammar like “love it don’t come easy.”
To reward her admirer for his lobbying efforts on her behalf, Gia spends a (no doubt platonic) night in Wes’s bunk.
“You’re Gonna Shoot Us in the Ass with Buckshot”
Before the important Rose Ceremony, Wes makes a valiant effort to convert a couple of votes to save his beloved’s hide. He threatens Kovacs, warning him that if he doesn’t get rid of Elizabeth right now, “You’ll be gone next week.” Kiptyn is Wes’s next target; he urges Kip to switch his vote, “You lose the trust of Kovacs and Good, what have you lost? You’re gonna shoot us in the ass with buckshot if she goes home.” Whoa. Anyway, Kiptyn’s way too much of a stand-up guy for that. Besides, Gia tried to blindside Kip last week; why should he do anything for her? Wes’s final grab for a vote is from David Good, who doesn’t receive the overture well, “Wes, I consider one of my close friends, for him to put me in that situation is real two-faced of him.”
The kids go one by one into the picture room to blackball their chosen housemates. Host Harrison and Mrs. Rycroft Strickland assemble the contestants to hand out the coveted posies. To no one’s surprise, the Weatherman has been selected to leave camp tonight. Natalie might have expressed the ladies’ sentiment best, “Personally, getting to know the Weatherman, I don’t think he’s funny; I don’t think he’s cute.”
Gia was right: the vote for the gals has ended in a tie between her and Elizabeth. Dave Good, as winner of the competition must choose between them. Harrison tells him, “I want you to call out the name of the woman you want to save.” Not so fast, Dave protests, “Can I say something first?” “Well of course,” agrees our Host.
Dave: “I was brought up to know that things in life aren’t always fair. I don’t think it’s fair I’m having to make a decision I don’t wanna make. I hope there are no hard feelings.” By now Wes looks as if he’s just heard his dog died, his car broke down and his wife ran off with the preacher. Dave picks Elizabeth to stay.
Wes tries to console Gia on her way out the door; she brushes him off like a mosquito.
In the limo, the Weatherman is burping away. “Stupidity is rampant in this friggin’ world, and it just got me kicked off.”
Be sure to tune in next week, when by popular acclaim, we’re to find out who has the worst boob job and who’s the dumbest girl in the house. The fabulous MsFroggy will be here to report on the salacious details. ‘Til then, we leave you with an out-take of the Weatherman’s rendition of his original song, “I Got the Bachelor Pad Blues.” Early reviews say it’s better than “…don’t come easy,” but then, what wouldn’t be?
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