Big Brother 7/29 Recap: Knocked Out By Rachel's Knockers
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Welcome to the most worthless eviction night ever! Whether it's Andrew or whether it's Kathy... does it really matter? Captain Kosher hasn't really done a whole lot in the game besides that ridiculous POV speech and sometimes I forget Kathy is even there. Well, aside from that whole “lay in the caramel for an hour” thing. It's a floater eviction this week! Yee haw!
Let's get the most important matter of this show out of the way: Chenbot's outfit. For this week's live show, she is wearing a very flight attendant-ish white dress with a zipper up the front. Interesting. I give it neither a thumbs up nor a thumbs down.
All's Fair In Love And War
After the POV ceremony and Andrew's little speech, everyone is confused. Rachel can't believe that everyone in the house is a “hater”. Britney is just confused about life in general. Brendon tells Rachel that he knew about Andrew's speech and that Andrew told him he was going to do it. Rachel doesn't believe it. Why does Rachel always have wet hair and a screamy voice in the DR? She cries around and Brendon kisses her to shut her up. I'd get tired of that voice too.
Matt, Lane, and Ragan laugh at how fake Andrew's speech was. They say Rachel oversold the whole thing and it was like a cartoon character reaction. They thought Rachel was playing dumb, but I guess she just really is dumb.
Matt calls Andrew up to the HoH and tells him that after his little Veto speech the house might vote him out because they know he isn't really against Brendon and Rachel. All these people overplay everything.
Back to Princess Chemist McBoobs and her whipped dumb jock. She is whining again that Brendon keeps things from her and blah blah whine whine. Hey, Daniele Donato called, she wants her pout back. Rachel is mad she wasn't involved in the plan at all. She thinks she can only trust herself and not Brendon. He smiles and shmoozes her and tells her he loves her
and her giant floating funbags. What? Does this guy have more than 3 brain cells in his head? He LOVES her? I don't know if I'm supposed to find these two endearing, but I definitely think I might throw up in my mouth.
Kathy talks to Ragan in the HoH and tells him she needs to be there because she needs the money to secure her son's future education. Kathy had cancer and the chemo she took could lead to Leukemia. She wants to make sure her son is taken care of. Awww, I wish they'd show Kathy more! She's endearing. Ragan was originally going to vote Kathy out but now he is reconsidering.
I Am Not A Kosher Fiddle!
Andrew is getting a bit worried because Kathy and Kristen are becoming buddy-buddy. Kristen tells Kathy that if she leaves, Kristen will be losing the only person she can relate to. Andrew is mad that Kristen hasn't talked to him at all since the veto meeting. He feels like an outcast and is upset he isn't getting the emotional support that Kathy is. Cue Andrew alone crying. Aww. He really is all alone. I kind of feel bad for the guy.
Andrew finds Kathy and Kristen in the bathroom and warns them not to play him like a fiddle. What? I'm not sure what they did to him. Kristen follows him to the bedroom and he tells her she hasn't been reassuring him about anything. She says she needs to be there for a friend and he asks what he is. Kristen says that Kathy has been stuck to her like glue and Kristen has to help her out. She starts screaming nonsense at Andrew and all the other houseguests gather outside to listen. Kristen tells Andrew he is digging his own grave and he says that she is digging her own grave. He tells her to be careful, then she tells him to be careful. It's like a game of echo.
The Brigade meets up in the HoH and “The Brain” aka “The Worst Waste of HoH in History” says that they should keep Andrew in the house because he's going to be the next target. On the other hand, they think Kathy is useless so she might be good to keep. Decisions, decisions. Between the four of them, they might be able to come up with a complete thought and then make a choice from that.
I Like Huntin', Fishin', And Spittin' My Chaw
It's time for Julie to go live into the living room and talk with the houseguests. Rachel gets the first question of the night. Julie asks her how surprised she is that she isn't on the block since people have publicly announced they are coming after her. She giggles in her sparkly tank top and says that she's thankful and she's a fighter. Julie asks Lane what he misses the most about home to which he replies “spotlightin'”. Being a bit of a country bumpkin myself, I know exactly what he's talking about. For you rurally-challenged folks, “spotlightin'” is when you go looking for animals at night. He also misses “fishin'”. I miss the days when people actually used correct suffixes on the end of their words. It's Enzo's turn for a question, and Julie asks him about Britney helping him with his accent. He says he thinks he already speaks normally. Julie makes him say dog and coffee. He says it in his Jersey voice, which I find highly amusing. Yes, sadly I'm on the Jersey fad train. She makes him say, “I reckon I won't be on slop next week.” He says it well, and Julie congratulates him by giving everyone a one week break from slop. Awww, the Chenbot was programmed to have a heart this week!
There has been controversy surrounding Matt's lie about his wife's fake condition. I'm sure CBS is feeling the heat, so they decided to talk to Matt's wife to see what she thinks about everything. She seems like a bit of an airhead and something is weird about her mouth. She says that Matt doesn't have common sense. She doesn't agree with him making up a fake condition and she doesn't think it was a very good move. She tried to “help” the lie with the things she wrote in Matt's HoH letter because she's afraid the lie is going to come back and bite him. That seems kind of unfair. Cue the scene of Kathy saying that if someone lies about a family member being on their death bed or having some kind of illness she would be sickened and Matt agrees.
Matt heads up to his HoH room to have a private chat with Julie. His hair is defying gravity. It is so spiky, it looks ridiculous. Anyway, she asks if he thinks his lie about his wife is working and definitely thinks it is. He actually thinks he has 3 secured votes from the jury if he were to make it to the end. Julie asks if he is concerned about offending people. He says he's sure he already has offended some people, but he's playing to win and he's the best player this game has ever had so you do what you got to do. Wait, back the bus up. He thinks he's the best player this game has ever had? Has he ever watched the masterful smarmy dazzle otherwise known as the great Dr. Will Kirby? That man is probably the best player to ever play the game. Janelle wasn't anything to laugh at either. Matt is so full of himself. If anyone has a few bucks, send it his way so he can buy himself a clue. Julie asks why he didn't nominate Brendon and Rachel even though the
Toolbag Brigade alliance wanted him to. He says he has to look out for himself and by not originally nominated Brenchel he could make a deal with them to assure himself some safety. Julie asks who the weak link is in the Brigade and Matt says it's Hayden because he might have some kind of relationship with Kristen or they might even be the “secret friends” the saboteur referred to. Matt says he will stay true to Hayden and the Brigade and he believes Hayden will too. If Kristen gets to the Final 5, Matt believes Hayden will get rid of her and stick with his bros.
Word Vomit. Kosher, Of Course
We go back to the living room, where each nominee will get the chance to plead their case. Kathy is first. She says she loves everyone and that she has faith and morals and integrity and she will always be true to herself. She tells everyone to vote smart.
Andrew stands up and all of a sudden just starts spewing all kinds of wonderful things out of his mouth. Here are the highlights of his 90mph speech:
Kristen and Hayden were massaging, kissing, doing more in the room when Andrew was in there and they might be a stronger alliance than Brendon and Rachel
Kristen and Hayden say bad things about everybody.
Kristen doesn't like the way Britney talks.
Kristen thinks she has Ragan in her pocket and thinks she can control him by stroking his.... ego. He's gay, remember?
Hayden does love Lane but he's only taking him to 4th and 5th.
Hayden and Kristen made fun of Enzo's intelligence and it was “wrong”. Andrew isn't giving details because Enzo is his friend.
People should keep Andrew in the house so he can take out the power alliance.
Kristen was the only person who didn't come to Andrew after his POV speech.
Hayden should get out of the showmance while he can because people need to watch out for Kristen.
Kristen and Hayden yell about all of it being lies. Julie stops Kristen's blabbering mouth by saying it isn't her turn to talk. No talky, more votey! I bet Andrew doesn't have Kristen's vote!
Julie breaks for a commercial here, but we see the chaos in the living room. Kristen is yelling at Andrew and Hayden's hands are flying around. I love it. Captain Kosher creating the drama!
Ragan: Andrew (He voted to institutionalize and evict! Haha!)
It's unanimous! Captain Kosher is Captain Evicted.
Andrew leaves the house and meets the beloved Ms. Chen. She says he gave the best last plea speech she has ever seen, although it didn't change anyone's vote. Andrew replies that people are afraid to go out on their own and have their own mind, which is why he and Kathy are on the block because they did the opposite of that. Julie wonders why Andrew didn't try to blackmail Hayden and Kristen into an alliance with him or else he'd out their showmance. Andrew admits that's a great plan and he probably should have done it, but he wanted people to make their own decisions on the spot. Julie asks if he regrets his POV speech, but he says he thought it was a great move and that Kristen and Hayden probably spread the word around he was lying. Julie then asks what Andrew whispered to Hayden on the way out and Andrew says he told Hayden that he's a good guy but he needs to get away from Kristen. Andrew really liked Hayden. Julie drops the bomb that Matt was lying about his wife's disease. It's a real disease but his wife is fine. Andrew doesn't seem to care much. The goodbye messages are pretty much the standard “sorry to see you go” type thing except for Rachel's screeching segment. AINT NOBODY COMING BETWEEN ME AND MY MAN!! God, I'm over it. Stop screaming and stop talking about people coming between you and your man. Your giant boobs constantly come between you and your man. I don't even know how he gets his arms around you to hug you with those things.
Knocked Out By Rachel's Knockers
It's time for the live HoH competition. The name of this week's competition is “Big Brother Knockout”. Two at a time, players will face off and answer a question based on previous competitions they've had this summer. The answer to the questions will either be HoH, Have/Have Not, or Veto. The goal is to buzz in first with the correct answer. The person who answers correctly stays in the game and the other person is knocked out. The winner of the round gets to pick the next two houseguests to face off. If a person answers incorrectly, that person is knocked out and their opponent will get to choose the next two people to face off. If nobody buzzes in, both people will be knocked out. The first two houseguests to face off were chosen at random: Hayden and Britney.
Hayden and Britney: In this competition, you had to be bold with your decision to stay or fold
Hayden guesses Veto and is correct. Britney is knocked out.
Brendon and Rachel: In this competition, you worked like a mule while trying to crawl through the caramel pool
Rachel guesses Have/Have not and is correct. Brendon is knocked out.
Kristen and Hayden: In this competition, you may have been flustered when you got doused with streams of Big Brother mustard
Kristen guesses HoH and is correct. Hayden is knocked out.
Kathy and Rachel: In this competition, there was no escape for those between the wall and tape
Kathy guesses Veto and is incorrect. The correct answer is Have/Have Not. She is knocked out.
Kristen and Enzo: This competition was a slap in the face until you drop your business briefcase
Kristen guesses Veto and is correct. Enzo is knocked out.
Rachel and Ragan: In this competition, your first priority was to keep your answer with the majority
Rachel guesses HoH and is correct. Ragan is knocked out.
Kristen and Lane: In this competition, did you feel like a nerd trying to spell the longest word?
Lane guesses Veto and is correct. Kristen is knocked out.
It comes down to Lane and Rachel. This competition was quite a thrill, flying above a giant grill.
Rachel guesses HoH and is correct. Lane is knocked out.
Rachel is the new HoH. Fudge. I guess I really should say that Rachel, her boobs, and Brendon are the new HoHs! Another week of watching them all canoodle in the HoH room. I am so thrilled. She cries and attacks Brendon after the big win.
There is going to be a new twist (actually a flopped twist trying to be revived) next week. Pandora's Box is back. America gets to vote for one person to be the new saboteur. The person with the highest number of votes gets the offer to become the saboteur. If that person makes it through the next 2 weeks, they will receive $20,000. If the person who wins declines the offer, there won't be a saboteur from America's Vote. We will find out next Thursday who was chosen to be the saboteur.
As we eavesdrop on the houseguests, there appears to be a backyard brawl in progress. Kristen and Rachel and Hayden are yelling at each other. Rachel tells Kristen she is a floater and she should grab a life vest and float on off because she's in dangerous waters since Rachel has the HoH key. Kristen says she knows Rachel is going to put up her and Hayden. Rachel says she wasn't but maybe she will now. I love it. Captain Kosher finally woke up this snoozefest of a season!
I can't wait for Sunday's episode! Be sure to come back and check out LG's excellent recap of all the post Andrew fallout!
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