“I feel really ill today. I think I have flu. Actually I think I have flayngitis, that’s like when you get like a gitis on your flayrns. It’s really painful”.

Day 34 and the producers think it’s amusing to force us to gatecrash Jenna’s latest pity party.
Thankfully, Rob and Matt’s decision to boot Christy has left Jenna feeling “half as betrayed as she was”. If we can just get that that little flaryns problem sorted we might not have to hear her grumble for a while.

It’s amazing how a slight change in plans can leave Jenna and Heidi feeling so mellow about things suddenly. The anger and tears of last week, now replaced by a calm acceptance that they’ll be the next two to go. Even Rob specifically stating he’ll vote out Heidi first then Jenna, meets with nothing more than an “ok then”.

Now, we really haven’t learned a whole lot about Butch so far this season.
He likes to repeat instructions word for word, he can’t hold his liquor and he has an unshakeable belief in the power of “The Chain”. His previously strict determination to always follow the safest path, started to waver last week with the whole “resting this machete against my neck” incident.
This week he has developed an almost pyromaniacal interest in wood.
He chops it, breaks it, drags it, stacks it. The camp is literally teaming with the stuff.

Rob Hey girls. I’ve got enough wood to keep the fire burning for three days.

First of all Rob, chat up lines like that don’t work and second, we saw you in that Speedo dude.
Butch cuts, chops, breaks and stacks more. He lovingly caresses the more fire-worthy specimens, purring “ooooohh, thass dryyyyyyyy” and sectioning those of into a special “favoured” bundle. Rob bravely approaches him (woodus interuptus?)

Rob – You love wood don’t you?
Butch explains that he loves to work and when you work hard you can rock and roll.
I don’t really understand that segue, but it does prompt Butch to go into a crazy dance.
He may be a principal, but he dances like a geography teacher at a 6th grade disco. Rob finds his mad stylings hilarious, but it’s embarrassing. Stop it, stop it. He’s going to dislocate something.

Thankfully we’re taken away from the scene as Rob and Heidi collect the mail.

Tree mail

If you bothered to watch the first 5,
You’ll know right where we are.
Time to do the rehash challenge
And see who wins the car.

The Survivor’s seem universally under-whelmed, apart from Matthew who does emit a typically understated “wow”.

Rob manages to keep a straight face as he asks Butch “do we need anymore firewood?”
We view a close up shot of their massive haul of wood and see that by “we” Rob clearly meant America.
They decide to store the firewood to dry underneath the fire. You can’t even file that decision under “it seemed like a good idea at the time”.
Jenna trudges her way into view. She’s dragging her feet like a child who has been told “no”. She’s doing a great job for someone who would clearly have no frame of reference in that regard.

They walk off to the reward challenge. Butch takes his machete with him in case he happens upon a stray tree. We get a close-up of the “Believe In Yourself” banner, as if it’s the last time we’ll see it looking that good.

Reward Challenge

Jiff - Hi guys. Hi Jenna, how’s it going?
Jenna – I’m not well Jeff.
Jeff – What’s wrong?
Jenna – I have a sore throat, I’m tired, I’m gorgeous, and I’m sexy.
Jeff – I don’t have any more letters Jenna.
Jenna – Peanut butter?
Jeff – No.
Jenna - OK, just tell us what the challenge is then.

Jiff explains, as anyone who has seen the show expected, this is the “things you did earlier in the show” challenge.

Stage 1 – Untie knots to release yourself from a cage.
Stage 2 – Complete a puzzle.
Stage 3 – Rope swing.
Stage 4 – Decoding station. Any suspense for the viewer is stripped by the “magic” of television as the answer is revealed before our eyes.
Stage 5 – Flying Fox.

Jeff – Whoever slides down the flying fox first and retrieves this key, wins reward.
Want to see what you’re playing for?
Viewing public – It’s a car Jeff.
Jeff – It’s over there, it’s a car.
Survivor’s – Oh my God.
Viewing public – No shit.

The car this season is the Saturn Ion. It’s the one with that cute little extra door that doesn’t really look big enough to get in and out of. The Survivor’s continue to ooh and ahhh. You would really think they’d have heard it driven into the clearing behind them, or perhaps been distracted by the puffing of the crew as they pushed it into position.

On Jeff’s “go”, the Survivor’s run to their first obstacle, the cage, which turns out to be little more than a door.
Jiff decides to give us a complete run down of the action, telling us as each knot is untied, who’s leading and what they’re thinking.
His commentary could have only been more complete if he’d critiqued their outfits and told us their odds of winning.
Butch is out of the door first and on to stage two, the puzzle, closely followed by Matt and Rob. Rob runs to the blue puzzle station, even though the rope round his cage was orange. Matt goes to the violet station even though the rope round his cage was green.
What was the point of colour coding them if people can just run to whichever station they want? I’m not happy with this disturbance of the flow of the challenge by just randomly picking a station. Anyhoo…
Jenna “escapes” and runs to stage two. She runs with her arms flapping from side to side, as if she’s trying to illustrate for the viewers the amount of storage space in a box. “Set it and forget it” Ron Popeil, this girl could add your infomercial crown to her collection.
Rob calls to Jiff to inspect his puzzle. Jiff has to check his card to see if Rob is correct. He is, and moves on to the next stage, the rope swing. It seems as though once again he randomly decides which “colour” to swing from. He lands at the other side and goes on to the decoder section. A screen separates each puzzle. He runs into the orange station, which is where he should have been, but backs out and goes into the violet station. Matthew has completed his puzzle and goes into the blue station. Butch completes his puzzle, swings from the red area of the platform and runs into the green decoding station. Meanwhile, Heidi is still trapped in the cage.
Matthew decodes the message, finds the key and runs up the ladder to the flying fox. He goes to the green station, unlocks the rope and slides down. Hmm, I guess they made sure each key opened each lock, anticipating the colour anarchy we’ve seen today.
He grabs the final key and runs off toward the car, arms raised, whooping in triumph.
The others, walk or run to join him as he has the AC blasting. He calls to Rob to get into the front seat, while the other climb in the back through the little baby door. They have no problem getting in. Nice one Saturn. Not only did Matthew win the car, he also won a tailgate party. He’s allowed to share it with one other person. He chooses Rob, figuring he’ll appreciate it most, as he’s used to attending parties with only one other guest…of the same sex.

Back from the break, Matthew and Rob inspect the car. Rob gets Matt’s pledge that he can use the car if Matt goes away so he can use it to try and impress girls. Ok Rob, it’s not Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, there’s only so much this Ion can do.

They take the barbeque out of the trunk and crack open the cooler.
Hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad. Matt is mildly delighted at the site of marinated chicken. If last week is anything to go by we could be in another rare show of emotion once the chicken has been cooked.
Back at camp the fire they left unattended is still burning well, it’s burning very well, a little too well. The fire shelter is fully aflame. Good job they didn’t store stacks of dry wood under there or the fire might have raged on into the “people and belongings” annex. Uh, ummm, ok, “people and belongings” annex is now ablaze. Good job they didn’t hang the “Believe In Yourself “ banner from the shelter or it would burn. Ok, “Believe In Yourself” is getting singed. At least they didn’t store their belongs right near the fire…

Back at the “party” the barbeque is lit. So while there is a fire that needs to be put out at the camp, the guys are lighting a fire elsewhere. How Shakespearean of you MB. That couldn’t have worked out better if you’d planned it…

Butch and the twiglets arrive back at camp to find the shelter burnt through.
This meets with the usual response one would expect from Heidi, “Oh … my God”.
They survey the damage and realise that everything they have has been burned. There’s a huge wet patch on the back of Butch’s shorts. Why is this significant? It’s not, it just caught my eye, please continue.
Everyone’s stuff is burned, apart from Heidi’s.
The fire had burned all Jenna’s “zeta” related paraphernalia. I know you’re crushed Jenna, but look at it this way, you’re free. You’ve escaped from the oppressive regime that made you eat, drink and breathe zeta.
You can be any Greek letter you want to be now Jenna.

Heidi – I felt so bad that my stuff was saved. I wish it could have been burnt so I would be on the same level as everyone else.

Oh Heidi, you’ll never be on the same level as a zeta (shameless in joke).

Butch – I lost my sign, so now we’re realllly gonna have to believe in ourselves.

Huh? Was the sign actually doing the believing for you then?

We cut back to Matt and Rob in time to see them drinking a toast to “two dude, it’s gonna be us dude”. They discuss how they’ve made it this far in “you’re the man”, “no you’re the man”, “no you’re the man”, style.
The barbeque over, Matt kisses his car goodbye and confesses that he’ll have to stab either Butch or Rob in the back to get ahead in this game. Which he doesn’t seem all that bothered about.

Back at camp, to their credit, when Butch mentions who is to blame for starting the fire, Heidi and Jenna don’t come right out and say they think it’s him.
Matt and Rob return. Matt instantly notices that the fire is in a different place to normal, yet fails to spot he smoldering wreckage that was once the fire shelter, with “people and belongings” annex.
Jenna explains how they have lost everything. Rob responds “everything?” She confirms they have indeed lost everything. Heidi looks as though she’s about the hammer home the devastation by individually listing the items lost, but stops after mentioning clothes, as if clothes are a sub-set not covered by the aforementioned “everything’.
A sad tune plays while the camera closes in on the melted form of the once so accurate magic 8 ball. They try to determine what might have happened.

Butch Well, we lit a fire and it burned through the wood and then it burned some more wood.

Pretty standard sequence of events really then Butch.
Everyone is blaming Butch, but no one actually tried to stop him putting the wood under the fire near the fire. If they thought it was a bad idea they should have said it at the time. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself against other people. Stand behind your opinions. Believe in yourself. Dammit Butch, you’re right.

Day 35

After shots of ominous storm clouds, we arrive at camp to find Matt in the process of building a new shelter, Rob poised to assist him, Butch no doubt collecting firewood and Heidi and Jenna snuggled together on the shelter.
Matt explains that the order of business for the day is to build another fire shelter, but this time, not stack wood under it. Good plan.
Matt, Rob and Butch proceed to build the shelter, dragging fronds and branches to the site.
Heidi confessional – I want Butch voted off next because me and Jenna worked real hard and he set fire to the camp. The guys are all going to stick together though.

According to Heidi, they’re a “hard core alliansch”, as opposed to herself and Jenna who are currently soft core one but are willing to negotiate.(negoshiate?)

She continues that she feels bad that the guys are trying to rebuild the fire, but that feeling soon passes. The old shelter made her look fat anyway.
Of course she meant that they were building the fire shelter, not the fire itself.
The decision not to help is rubber stamped by Jenna, who reclines in a tree and confesses that, as the guys are going to vote then off, they aren’t going to do crap for them.
Now, you can kind of understand their point, but what was their excuse for not doing crap when they held the majority a few days back?
It kind of all boils down to find new and exciting ways to justify “not doing crap”, that’s been their real challenge out here.

Without a tree mail “warning” we find ourselves joining the Survivor’s as they make their way to the immunity challenge. It’s unclear if they have to wait until Jiff calls them over to join him, but the fact that he always does makes me wonder if this is a requirement.
He could just leave them standing on the periphery for hours if he wanted.
He immediately notices the immunity necklace is looking a little worse for wear. Thankfully for her sake, Jo Anna is on the “you’re too crap to be on the jury” tour or else she would surely have been the prime suspect.

They explain their little “fire issue” as Jenna puts it and Rob does his best “Pulled up our socks, put our best foot forward, noses to the grindstone, I’m a dork” style speech.

Jiff doesn’t even bother to look remotely interested in what they have to say and quickly moves on to tell them about today’s immunity challenge.

Ugh, it’s another five-parter.
This time a rope course, with five different rope obstacles, disc walk, rope tunnel, rope swing, swing steps, v-tunnel. They need to collect a coloured feather at the halfway point of each test and bring it back to a central post. Hmmm, colour coding? Isn’t this where the RC went horribly awry?
As usual Jiff gets the challenge underway with “go”.
The Survivor’s all run toward different obstacles. Rob tackles the disc walk, Matthew the tunnel and Heidi the v- tunnel. Butch manages to swing across the small gulley, but doesn’t have enough momentum to stay on the right side and ends up swinging back.
Heidi does much better on the v-tunnel when she realizes it’s far easier to make your way across the tunnel using your feet instead of your chest. I know you plan to use your chest extensively Heidi, but now is not the time.
So, Matthew is blue, Butch is green, Heidi yellow, Rob orange and Jenna red.
I have to admire Jeff’s enthusiasm in delivering the running commentary, but it really isn’t much of a competition. Matthew goes into an early lead and is never over taken.
He’s on obstacle three before Jenna even has her first feather on the pole.
Heidi now tackles the rope swing, sliding down the rope slightly and landing on the other side Lewinsky style.
Matthew is on his last feather. He overtakes Jenna on the disc walk and unties his feather first. Matthew wins immunity with equal the ease with which he won the reward challenge.
Jiff ties on the necklace and he and Butch celebrate with an open-hand variation on the usual “potato”. Potato chip?

Day 36

I think.
Once again, I have no idea where I am with the days.
They really don’t help me a whole lot by starting out this segment with Butch chopping wood. That could be any freakin’ day.
Jenna is feeling mighty sorry for herself today. Bit like Shawna.
She hates being there. Bit like Shawna. She can’t walk. When she does she falls over. She feels as though she’s stuck in the game. Shawna, Shawna, Shawna.
I do believe she thinks everyone should feel sorry for her and vote her out of the game.

Heidi – confessional – Jenna’s physical state is not good. It makes me want to campaign…to the boys.

Well, we didn’t think you meant campaign for office Heidi. Although if you do, try and win Florida.
She attempts to sell her plan to Rob, but he’s not biting. Perhaps you should have given him a little sugar earlier in the game instead of cuddling up to Dave, Heidi.

Tribal Council

As usual, Jiff brings in the members of the jury and sees them safely seated before continuing the proceedings.

He questions Butch about the fire. Butch responds by explaining that it was a “total destruction fire”. Bit dramatic Butch, considering the main shelter is still standing.
Roger – well that’s testament to excellent design and compliance with all building code regulations.

Jeff – Hmmm, you like to collect wood don’t you Butch? Most important thing to us out here isn’t it Butch? Wood catches fire doesn’t it Butch? You left stacks of wood near the fire didn’t you Butch? Drying it out so it’d burn better weren’t you Butch?
Tell me, do you think it’s all your fault?

Butch – No not really. At first I did, but when I saw my banner was burned I knew it couldn’t be my fault. There’s no way I’d leave the group “believing in themselves” freestyle, without guidance. Not with my safety record.

Sensing a full confession would not be forthcoming, Jiff decides to shift focus onto Jenna, asking her whom she would like to face in the final two. She replies by saying she wouldn’t want to face someone she could easily beat. Hmmm, that’s kind of the point isn’t it? If you are in the driving seat, not the Christy driving seat, the actual driving seat in this game, don’t you take someone you can beat to the final two?

Why just have Jenna make a moronic comment when you can go for the “twofer” and have Heidi say something stupid as well?

Jiff – So Heidi, do you deserve to be in the final two?
Heidi - yesch I do Jeff. I’m the schemer behind all he plansch round here. They all come from within the confinesch of my master brain.

Anyone still doubting my episode 11 recap conclusion that she is thoroughly and completely delusional? Thought not.

After Matt tells Jeff his vote will be based on his “allegiance to his alliance”, they’re sent off to cast their votes.
We don’t get to see any of the votes this week, a sure sign that it’s an inevitable result.

Jiff tallies, then reads the votes in an order that creates a two/two tie.
He flips round the final vote to reveal the name Heidi.
I assume this was all part of her plan.