Night 30

Heidi + Jenna + Alex + Rob = Psycho Matt should so totally be out of there.
His decision to follow them back to camp is obvious to Heidi as just as extension of his obsession with her, but “WHERE THE HELL IS ALEX?”
Hmmm, perhaps, just perhaps someone else voted against Alex. If it wasn’t Heidi and it wasn’t Jenna then…

Back at camp, Butch and Matt tend the ailing fire, while the attempt to figure out what happened to Alex has forced Heidi and Jenna into a prolonged spell of rhythmic nodding.

Rob – Look, I voted against Alex.
Heidi – Aha, we were right Jenna, it was him.
Rob – I know this sounds ironic, but I voted against Alex because he lied to me.

Heidi : confessional – Ok Rob, number one, ironic? Hellloooo, why do you think anyone cares that your clothes are creased?
And b) there was no way I was going to say anything because I’d have said some cuss words.

Uh “cuss words”? We can’t have you busting out the cuss words Heidi or the neighbour boy won’t take you to the cotillion – hick.

Matthew’s admission that he won’t harbour any ill will toward the girls for voting against him, meets with dual “ok’s” from Jenna and Heidi, despite the addition of “I won’t forget it”.
He won’t forget it ladies, ever.
When you are refused admission to a club of your choice Jenna, that’s Matthew.
When you tip the scales at 150 pounds Heidi, that’s Matthew.

Following some stock footage of rolling clouds, we rejoin the group with Rob, Jenna and Heidi in the midst of a whispered dissection of the events of Tribal Council.
Heidi wipes away a delightful tears/snot concoction as she proclaims she is not prepared to win this game by turning her back on the people she loves. Rather overly dramatic isn’t it Heidi? As the sobs wrack her body, Jenna comforts her by administering a few unenthusiastic pats on the shoulder.

Heidi is taking delusional to a whole new level.
Apparently, Butch wouldn’t still be in the game if it weren’t for her.
Now, I assume she’s referring back to the time she switched her vote to Gene.
Even if she hadn’t it would have still been a 3 – 3 tie. There was no guarantee that Butch would not still be there, unless of course Jiff had declared the tiebreaker to be “whoever has the least possible variations on the spelling of their name is eliminated”. Butch would have been history, with only Heidi herself with “Butsch” offering up any variation.

The change in power structure, bought on by his defection to the opposition, is a source of great amusement for Rob. The reasons for his “from the neck up” confessional are two fold. One, it gives us the opportunity to note how he has teased his facial hair into the kind of moustache sported by villains of the silent film era and two, his comment that Jenna and Heidi felt they “could ride, ride it till the end”.

Rob – they’ll have to kiss some serious ass to ensure one of them makes it three more days.

Of course one of them will Rob, you only vote people off one at a time (mores the pity).

Day 31

The day opens to the sound and sight of rain dripping off trees and a close up of their calendar. I have to congratulate the Survivor’s on the neatness of their calendar this season in contrast to S5’s “just scrawl it on a rock” effort. I never really understood why Jan used to “steady” herself with her lifeless left arm so she could reach over a giant boulder and etch each day into another giant boulder. Why not just scratch it on the first boulder and be done with it? Some of the strokes were long, indicating she’d toppled forward while executing the scratch, others choppy, indicating her supporting arm had buckled. I think the lack of consistency in their calendar really contributed to what turned out to be a painfully dull season. It’s all about attention to the finer details.

The camp begins to yawn itself into life. Rob is up walking around, Matt and Butch gather sticks while Christy gathers palm fronds. In response to this activity Heidi and Jenna just pull their buffs further down over their faces and continue to doze.
The childishly formed red heart that Jenna had worn so proudly at TC the night before, has now smudged to resemble a rash. An allergy to work maybe.

With Roger safely packed away on the “didn’t even make the jury” tour, Matt feels confident enough to offer his opinion that the shelter roof wasn’t built correctly.
Expect to see this one play out at the reunion.
After “four and a bit” weeks of having their belongings soaked by torrential downpours, the Survivor’s have had enough and decide to make another shelter like the fire shelter. Matt confesses that this will be a shelter for people and belongings and will be called a “people and belongings” shelter. Or just a “shelter” really then Matt? This seems completely pointless. Surely there’s enough room under the original shelter for their belongs. They all set to work, apart from Heidi and Jenna. They break from feeling sorry for themselves only long enough for Jenna to throw out the odd whispered “piss off” in response to the furious construction chatter.
Butch’s job appears to be to herald the arrival of a pending storm, which he does with great conviction. The shelter isn’t even close to being completed by the time the storm hits. They carry on building during the storm, get soaking wet and either defeat the whole purpose of the exercise or underline why the new shelter is need. Depends whether you’re a “half empty” of a “half full” type of person.

As the rain beats down, Heidi notices something moving in her peripheral vision. Something she can’t remember noticing before, or if she has, she certainly had no interest in it whatsoever. The thing approaches, and by process of elimination Heidi concludes this must be the one the others call “Christy”.

Heidi – I’ve never lied to you Christy.
Christy – That’s because you’ve never spoken to me.
Heidi – Well, now I think you’re super cool. Want to be in a gang with me and Jenna?

Jenna looks a Christy in the way one would view a pube in your pasta.
Heidi then tries to resurrect the girls v guys thing, by stating that once she and Jenna has gone, the guys would boot Christy next.
Yes Christy, do it. Vote with the girls because the guys won’t treat you as part of the group, they’ll exclude you and that would never happen if you were part of the girl’s alliance.

Heidi – confessional: I didn’t come out to here to screwed and just take it.

Exactly Heidi, you could have stayed at home for that and been able to get your roots done.
Heidi continues… If Christy votes with us, me and Jenna will have a 50% chance of staying. If she doesn’t we’ll have a zero percent chance.

Hmmm, you teach gym right Heidi?

Christy and Rob discuss the merits of her voting with the guys instead of the girls.
She makes the now fatal error of mentioning how she has the power and we know she’ll be booted this week.

Reward Challenge

As always, Jiff looks happy enough to greet them for the challenge, which he tells them will be a race.
He goes on to explain the rules, but does not mention that what this means for the viewer is a few minutes of flurried activity resulting in a clear win for one of the competitors, these things are hardly ever close at this stage.
To make matters worse, it’s an elimination race. This is either a desperate bid to inject a little excitement into the proceedings, or they just couldn’t be bothered to make 6 of everything.
The race will be in three stages. On Jiff’s “go” they have to run and find a paddle buried in the sand, there are only four paddles so two people will be eliminated instantly.
Jiff goes on to explain the remaining rules in full detail.
Heidi looks like a bobble-head version of herself as she stands nodding her understanding of the rules. Either that or she’s counting something. Calories perhaps.
The prize? A visit from a loved one. Forgetting the first rule of tantrums, Heidi and Jenna start to cry before the prize is awarded to someone else.

On Jiff’s “go”, the Survivor’s run off in search of paddles.
Despite taking an immediate header into the sand, Matt finds one quickly and runs to the shore to grab a colour-coded canoe. Rob, Jenna and Christy also get paddles which means Butch and Heidi are eliminated and won’t get a chance to see their family member. Except of course they will, because that’s just how this show works.
Jiff tries to explain away their pathetic attempts at rowing by shouting out that these are authentic tribal boats so balance is important. Does that really make them so difference to regular canoes Jiff? The combination of balancing and paddling is usually required isn’t it?. I can’t recall ever seeing anyone successfully steer a canoe via the intricate steps and haunting music of Riverdance.
Matt masters the canoe instantly, and heads off in the direction of the correspondingly coloured box out in the water. Once there, he has to answer an Amazon related trivia question, grabbing the bag of puzzle pieces that corresponds to the answer of his choice.
Jenna and Christy abandon the canoes in favour of swimming out to the box.
Rob, obviously feels his command of the game in general is such that he can sit in his boat on the shore, rock backward and forward and create enough momentum to cause the box to float to him. He’s wrong, he decides to swim. Unhappy with that choice he plumps for another shot at canoeing. He looks up at Matthew and instantly assess that the one essential element defining the difference in their success at this stage of the challenge is the water. He decides to get his boat into it before paddling and is at his box in no time.

Matt has answered his question correctly so the bag he retrieved contains the correct puzzle pieces he’ll need.
He’s in the midst of constructing the puzzle when Rob runs up on shore having overtaken the swimming Jenna and Christy.
Jiff shouts to them not to give up as Rob might not have the right puzzle pieces, he does, so they’re out of the competition. Ok Jenna, now you can start crying.
Matthew’s lead is such that even if Rob was decent at puzzles, which we know from he first IC he isn’t, he would not have caught Matt.

Jiff – Matt wins.
Jenna, senses the opportunity to guilt him out of the prize.
Heidi – I’m happy for you Matt.
Jenna – So am I, so is my sick mother.
Jiff – Matt do you think it’s better to give or receive?
Matt – Give.
All Matt’s future girlfriends. – Correct answer.

Matt is given the opportunity to give up his visit so everyone else can have theirs.
To her credit, Jenna does appear to be very genuine when she says “don’t do it Matt”.
Of course by that she probably means “don’t see your mother Matt”.

Out runs Butch’s wife Cindy. She did not look both ways before crossing the beach but Butch is willing to overlook it this one time. Next out is Christy’s boyfriend, followed by Rob’s mother Roseanne, her big plume of 80’s style hair, loosely fastened by a small grip.
Out comes Heidi’s mom Kathy, followed by Jenna’s rather chunky dad Michael.
Small conversations break out as they sit at a table to drink wine and eat.
After ten short minutes in which we hear Rob confess to being bad, Heidi tell her mother she’s playing well and Christy tell her boyfriend she’ll make the final four,(foreshadowing) Jiff advises them to “grab a few grapes” and say goodbye.

After the family members have piled into a boat, Jiff tells Matt that he also believes it’s better to give than to receive and in this week’s big “ta-daaaaaa” moment, Matt’s mother appears in the distance and is sped to shore.
Thankfully they are sending Matt and his mother on a getaway, she won’t have to endure a night at camp. The family visits to camp are so tedious. The family member instantly sees a winning strategy and the Survivor instantly ignores them.
Jiff explains that they will be spending the evening with an Amazon tribe, Matt’s mum hugs him, he apologizes for being drunk.

Matt :confessional – Ugh, I had to show some emotion. I hate it. I won’t be doing that again in a hurry.

Matt, psycho’s cry about their mother’s all the time.

We come back from the break to see Matt and mother arrive at their destination. The pitch-black night is lit only by a row of burning torches, which Matt instantly assesses they should follow. They reach a clearing and find a table strewn with food and wine.

Matt – Woohoo, wooo fired chicken. Yeah, fried chicken baybeeeeeee!!!.

He proceeds to do a happy “I got me some fried chicken” dance.
Thank goodness you’re holding back on the emotion from now on Matt.
Viewers nationwide shudder at the news Matt’s relationship with his mother is “not conventional”. We’ve seen Colby and his mother in the back of an Aztec Matt, you can’t shock us. Although we don’t really want a repeat.

Back at camp, the drunken Survivor’s decide to prepare some food.
Christy – are we making manioc?

Food related question should be more along the lines of “how shall we prepare the manioc?” considering Matt’s not there so there’s nothing else to eat.

Never one to miss an opportunity, and feeling he surely must score now, the girls are liquored up and he only has Butch as competition, Rob suggests they don their bathing suits. Christy’ll be along as soon as she gets her foot unstuck from a tree.

They proceed to tell each other what they told their family members, which appears to be nothing of any real interest.
Butch – I just wanted to hug my wife. It made you what? Feeeeel gooooooood.

No one joins in the last part, despite his prompting. His drunkenness combined with their own, made it unclear which direction the sentence was going in.

Rob suggest that he, Heidi and Jenna being in their bathing suits makes the scene look like a rap video. I know Rob has lost weight, but his Speedo is loose in all the wrong places. Rap video? L’il Bow Wow from where I’m sitting Rob.

Back at the clearing, tribal dancers descend on Matt and his mother. They start playing wonderful pipe music that Matt finds “hypnotic”, but to me sounds like “Rah Rah Rasputin” every few bars. As I catch sight of myself Cossack dancing past a mirror I have to agree there is a mesmerizing quality about the tune.

Matt and mum say their final farewells and we head back to the camp for one last look at their drunken antics.
Butch and Christy have retired for the evening, so are spared Rob’s version of ‘We’ve Got Tonight”.
Rob, Jenna, Heidi – Why dooonnn’ttttt yooooooo stayyyyyyyyyy.

Day 32

We start the day with another Rob confessional.

Rob – I wanted to take Matt to the final two, because no one likes him, because he’s weird and emotionless.
You could show him a plate of fried chicken and he wouldn’t even react.

After re-evaluating his position (and no doubt readjusting his Speedo) he approaches Jenna with his latest plan that it should be the two facing the final jury. Her response of “hahmumpfff” is a mixture of one part laughter, one part disbelief and six parts “how dare you talk to me you ugly sod”.
They discuss who would get votes from whom, then he unveils his plan to vote out Heidi next. To her credit, Jenna listens to what he has to say, but who among us doesn’t think she’ll go rushing back to Heidi with the news? Exactly.

Jenna : confessional- he’s a snake, a slimeball, I’d be emabarssed to know him.

Uh, you do know him Jenna?

A split second later Jenna is back at the camp with Heidi discussing Rob’s plan.
Jenna – he said he wants to take me to the final two because most jury people like him more.
Heidi – That’s rubbish, everyone likes us.
Jenna – right.

Heidi then takes her turn for an audience with the master.

[b]Heidi – You guys are all snakes.
Rob – I’m just doing wha..
Heidi – I know, I know.
Rob – Coming into this game I…
Heidi – I know, you have to f*&% people over.

Ok first of all Heidi, stop interrupting him and uh second of all that was a cuss word.

She walks off in tears, mumbling something about their morals, hilariously stating hers are better. Yet more delusional behaviour from Heidi.
I think she is going the right way about becoming an entry in the Survivorese” dictionary.

Pagonging – Process of one tribe voting off another, originally bought about by Gretchen’s failure to get a clue.
Kimmied – when one member of a tribe innocently gives the opposition the one vital piece of information they need.
My gut – The unseen force that propels someone to level otherwise baseless allegations at a tribe mate.

Heidi – to be utterly delusional at all times, particularly with regard to your own looks and behaviour.

Imagine, in a few years time, girls like Heidi will be telling each other how “Heidi” someone else is.

Heidi arrives back at Jenna’s side, where her tears prompt Jenna to declare she’s drawing the line on Rob’s bullshitting.

Jenna – Have you told the others your plans? No you haven’t. I don’t understand how you can just lie this much.
Rob – Did you ever think I’d lied to you?
Jenna – Well then that wouldn’t surprise me.

Huh? “Well then that wouldn’t surprise me”?
That makes no sense. Jenna clearly doesn’t argue well if her opponent remains calm.
Full on bitch fight and she’s probably your girl though.

Jenna and Heidi then proceed to talk about how they care about their personal relationships whereas Rob doesn’t. The sad thing is, Heidi and Jenna seem to only care about people their personal relationships. Anyone they aren’t friendly with is not worthy of the time it would take them to be civil.

Heidi – We know we’re playing the same game Rob, but we didn’t f*&% everyone over.
Rob – well you are free to write R.O.B. on your parchment tomorrow.
Heidi – What the f*%& does that spell?
Jenna – I’m not going to be nice, I’m not going to be friendly, I’m going to make your life miserable.

Add “pledge” to the end of that and you’ve got yourself the Zeta chant.

Day 33

We begin with a montage of snake shots then fade to Rob, slo- mo walking.
Ok Mark, Rob’s a snake, we get it.

We haven’t seen a whole lot of Butch this season, but one thing we cannot fail to notice is his “safety first” mentality. The sight of Butch casually swinging his machete over his shoulder till the blade rested, sharp side in at his neck, should have caused much more consternation that Matt simply sharpening his a few weeks back. This marks a very radical departure from his safety obsessed ways and could signify the start of his decline.
Watch out for that next week folks.
He commits to the alliance with Rob, as does Matt after a little reassurance.
Christy is still sitting firmly on the fence, go with the girls, stay with the guys. It matters not. She mentioned having the power so it’ll be her week to go as we already “discussed” earlier.

The Survivor’s traipse off to the Immunity challenge, yet again we are thankfully soared the poem.

Jiff explains that the challenge will be in two rounds, the first round marking the return of that old standby, the catapult.
A slight variation this season will see the Survivor’s try to break their own “named” plates instead of other people’s.
It’s hardly “all new” but it’s as good as it’s likely to get.

Jiff explains that each of the Survivor’s will have ten marbles. You break a plate, release a puck, then use it to play shuffleboard. Hardly the most entertaining of spectator sports, or the most challenging. Watch out for knitting and flower arranging in future weeks.

So the challenge commences, and less than exciting it is too, just as expected.
Plates are smashed, but as they smash their own, nothing is revealed about potential alliances or boot orders. Jenna does benefit from both Matt and Butch smashing a plate of hers each, but that was not so much tactics as bad aiming.

They go on to the second round with Jenna and Butch each with five pucks, Heidi with 4, Christy with 3, Rob with 2 and Matt with just 1.

They take turns to skim their pucks at the big red X on the board while Jeff does his best to inject a little enthusiasm into the event.
The lead changed hands with virtually every skim, but more noticeable is Butch’s failure to run his finger gently round the rim of each puck to ensure there are no jagged edges.
I’m telling you, keep an eye on him. I think he’s losing it.
Jenna steps up to slide her final puck and claim victory.
Note to MB, that was tedious.

Back from break just in time to see Rob approach Christy about her vote yet again.
Christy really does think she’s in command. Lying back on the shelter, arms behind her head, pit hair swaying in the breeze, she says she’ll vote for Heidi “I guess”.
I expect her to follow that up with “now run along little boy”, but Rob gets in first and asks her to go for a walk with him.
She obliges, because any good ruler will always keep the “little man” happy and the Speedo confirmed he is indeed…

Rob – How are you voting?
Christy – I haven’t decided.
Rob – OK, bye.

She is no longer of any use to him so he legs it off to see Heidi. Desperate to save her own skin she obviously agrees to align. I’m sorry Christy, but when you have to get a lesson from Heidi you simply don’t deserve to go any further.
The very welcome return of the potato seals the deal.

Tribal Council

Jiff – who didn’t expect to get this far?

To their credit, all the Survivor’s instantly raise their hands.
Jenna – Women don’t like me because I’m so attractive. It’s the same for Heidi.
Heidi – Yesh, being this gosh darn pretty is so difficult.

I can’t see Jerry Lewis getting all “telethoned up” for you any time soon ladies.

Even Jiff is amazed that Christy would make such a bold claim as “I’m in the driving seat”.

The voting done. Jiff nips off to “tally’.
Having given immunity to Heidi, Jenna is now eligible to be voted against.
The deal holds solid and Christy is booted in a four two vote.

She mentions how unfair it is, how she didn’t want to lose to her two ugly stepsisters in her exit speech, but she can string it out no longer, it’s time to catch her ride to Loser Lodge.

Oh and Christy, make sure you sit in the back.