Top Chef 6 – 10/14 Recap: Pigs & Pinot & Predictability

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It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again: unless a giant roulette wheel rolls in and takes them out, there is no way that Kevin, Jen, and the Brothers V aren’t going to be the final four. There has never been a Top Chef season with more obvious front-runners. Add to that the continued absence of Anthony Bourdain and Ted Allen (and the continued infestation of Toby Young), and you have one dull season. Can we just fast-forward to the finale?

Another morning, another group of bleary-eyed chefs. Who gets the intro spotlight this week? First there’s Michael V, who is still dumbstruck over finishing in the bottom three last week. He can’t even joke about it. Then again, has either brother ever joked about anything? Or even blinked? Next is Eli, who talks to his folks on a cellphone that (for once) does not get a product plug. Eli still lives at home (what a shock) and loves it; he’s still so coddled that his Mom literally asks if he wanted to come home, as if he were getting picked on at summer camp (he said no, darn it). Eli’s greasy feathers are also ruffled from finishing in the bottom three, hence the need for motherly love (and probably some clean laundry). Finally, there is Robin, who is outside performing Yenta Pilates, and reminding us once again that she’s the chef who had cancer. Actually, she tells a very uplifting, inspiring tale, which is great, except that this is Top Chef, and she’s been a pretty lousy chef so far.

Quickfire Challenge: Mmm, Pork Rinds (Drool Noise)

The chefs head over to the M Resort, where they meet Padma and guest judge Charlie Palmer, a pioneering chef and restaurateur who has a thing for pork. But what’s this? Chef Palmer informs us that both V Brothers have worked for him in the past! Bryan tells us that he’s a real perfectionist, too. Will this hurt or help our lazy-eyed duo?

Padma (congrats on the forthcoming baby, girl!) lays out the challenge: To make up for the lack of product placement so far, Alexia Crunchy Snacks is featured front and center, as each of the chefs have to pick a flavor of Alexia crunchies and make a dish that will pair well with it. The chefs scramble, and instantly we get gossip from Bryan and Michael: Michael says that he was Palmer’s Exec Chef for a year, but that Bryan worked for him for ten years as a true protégé, so Bryan must be his favorite. Bryan counters with his belief that Michael thinks that Palmer doesn’t like him. Bryan tells us that this makes him laugh. Of course as he says it, he doesn’t even crack a smile.

Hey, there are other chefs in the kitchen too! There’s Jen, being flustered and stressed out like the alpha-dog overachiever that she is. And there’s Eli, who explains the concept of pairing flavors to us like we’re five-year-olds. Today’s nugget of wisdom: marshmallows and steak are not a good pairing. Thanks, Obi Wannabe!

Hey, there’s Ash, telling us that he’s been paddling around like a lost puppy this season, but from now on he’s going to assert himself. On the other extreme, there’s Mike I-Am-a-Douche, who pumps his fist with confidence. As the clock ticks away, Jen tells us that she probably cooked her pork chops too early, and that they have been resting too long. If the judges don’t come to her first, they will be cooked though, and so will she. To her despair, Padma and Chef Palmer walk over to Eli first. Let’s see when they manage to squeeze Jen in:

Eli: Warm potato clam salad with fennel, celery and white truffle sauce (paired with the onion snacks) – Palmer likes the “smokiness” in the dish
Kevin – Warm bean comfit tomato salad with herbs and creamed corn (also onion)
Bryan – Seared ribeye (always with the steak) with pickled onion, sautéed mushrooms and chive puree (onion again) – Palmer grills his protégé, asking if he picked onion like the others because it was a “safe” choice. This leaves Bryan stammering to defend himself.
Robin – Sweet corn panna cotta with avocado mousseline (jalapeno) – mousseline is fancy for parfait, since Jell-O co-opted that word for the unwashed masses

(The editor cuts to Jen at this point, still waiting and silently freaking out…)

Mike I – Mexican chilaquiles (hot pepper waffle fries)
Michael V – Tuna tartare with avocado, pickled onions and jalapenos (flavor unknown)
Ash – Chilled cucumber avocado soup with crème fraiche, crab and red pepper (BBQ waffle fries)
Laurine – Swordfish with spinach, asparagus and fava bean purée (onion)

And finally, a depressed Jen – sautéed pork chop with tomato sauce and feta cheese (onion) – and yes, the judges notice that it’s overcooked.

In the losers column, Chef Palmer calls out Robin, whose dish left him puzzled; Ash, whose flavors didn’t pair so much as rumble; and Jen, who took a good idea and left it in the pan too long. The gold stars go out to Eli, who put his money where his mouth is for once; Bryan, who gets complimented on his execution and smacked for choosing such a safe dish; and Kevin, who impressed Palmer with his flavor pairings. For the overall winner, Palmer picks…Eli!? As his name is called, there is a beat of silence, followed by polite applause, which made me giggle. A bitter/semi-sweet Ash tells us through clenched teeth, choked-back tears and bleeped expletives that Eli is a great chef and deserved the win.

Elimination Challenge: No Pork and No Pinot Makes Homer Something Something

Padma directs the chefs to start drawing knives. On each knife this week is a little piggy, and the name of one of its parts. There’s the belly, the legs, the cheeks, the butt (these are two different parts, apparently)…and one knife picked by Jen says Wild, which at first makes me think of the movie Deliverance, but which Padma explains means that Jen can pick any part of the pig she wants (she picks the soft and trendy belly).

For the challenge, the chefs will cook for a charity event hosted by Palmer and Food & Wine Magazine called Pigs & Pinot, which means they will sample several bottles of pinot noir, and pick a wine to pair with the pork dish that they will serve. Oh, and they each have to make 150 tasting portions. D’oh!

The chefs are shuttled down the strip to Mandalay Bay (one of my fave resorts) to do some wine tasting and choosing. They arrive at Palmer’s Aureole restaurant, which features the world-famous wine tower, where Wine Angels ascend and descend on cables to retrieve bottles. The restaurant’s top sommelier introduces them to nine different bottles of pinot noir, and the chefs start snorting, spitting and selecting. After the wines are chosen, Eli informs us that basically, Robin knows nothing about wines, and has no palette. Nice!

From there, the chefs are hustled to Whole Foods to shop for 45 minutes for ingredients, armed with $300 each. (For 150 portions? Who what huh?) Kevin stakes out the pork section of the meat counter, and proclaims himself “the pig guy” as he sniffs out every ounce of pork fat they have. Laurine is making a pork rillette, which she has never made before and which is considered a peasant dish in France. Way to set the bar. Ash tells us decisively that he is making a roasted pork tenderloin with polenta and cherry demi-glace. Robin is standing still with her hands on her hips, looking like she needs directions to her rear end. Ching ching, bag bag, Toyota Venza plug and off they go.

Back at the chef suites, the caged mice seem to be feeling the strain of living so close together. Robin and her non-stop chatter seem to drive all too many of them “up the bleepin’ wall,” as Kevin puts it. Sure enough, we get edits of Robin yammering away in the kitchen about everything and nothing, and other chefs trying to work around her, while resisting the temptation to grab the nearest sharp utensil and commit cheficide. She wants the salt and the sugar in specific places on the counter; she shares her planned pork dish with anyone within earshot, sparing no details. Eli is cooking scallops, and Robin grabs serving platters from the cupboard and shows them to Eli as if they are cars in a showroom, suggesting which one will be the best fit for the scallops. At this point I want to reach through the screen and choke her myself. Eli reaches his limit, and snaps at her. She snaps back. Eli brings his dish downstairs for all to pick at and enjoy while talking smack about Robin, who is still in the upstairs kitchen cooking her sweet potatoes and talking to the camera, since no one else is there. And, scene!

Bravo’s Live Poll this week: Which is worse, Eli’s immaturity or Robin’s passive-aggressiveness? They leave no stone unturned, these pollsters…

Oh yeah, there was some cooking still to do in this episode, wasn’t there? The next morning, the chefs run into the Top Chef kitchen and start prepping, as we get a quick Swanson Broth and GE Monogram plug. After listening to Mike I babble the night before, Ash decides to change his dish almost completely. Kevin is going to make a simple pork leg pate, which may bite him in the end if it isn’t perfect. Bryan is concerned because he normally takes twice the allotted 4 hours to make such a large amount of ribs. Michael clues us in on a major difference between him and his bro: Bryan stayed with Palmer and became really good at one simple style of cooking; Michael traveled the world and is more inclined to take risks with his dishes, something that Chef Palmer doesn’t automatically reward.

Robin tells is that she is here to win, in spite of being shunned by the other chefs. For those playing the drinking game, she does indeed utter the cliché “I didn’t come here to make friends!” Consume! Meanwhile, Jen still feels humiliated from the Quickfire and is hell-bent on redeeming herself with a light, summery pork belly. Eli compares his belly to Jen’s belly for us, and declares his more exciting. (In your dreams, Kato)

Chef Tom Colicchio makes his first entrance of the episode, and makes his usual rounds. He listens to the chefs as they make their pitches and proclaim their daily affirmations, and then rolls his eyes to us in that way that tells us just how screwed each of them are. I love this man!

Things get hectic as the clock runs down, and the Brothers V start sniping at each other. Ultimately, what you saw in the preview is the entirety of their “fight” – it’s completely anticlimactic. Suddenly time is up, and the chefs pack up and head over to the Las Vegas Valley Springs Preserve, which is outdoors, but far less brutal an atmosphere than the desert ranch from a few weeks ago. The chefs unpack, heat things up, pour some wine, and for some reason, calmly mouth more bleeped expletives than usual. Suddenly, hundreds of well-dressed people appear from nowhere, and the games begin. Our judges are Tom, Padma, Food & Wine EIC Dana Cowin, Charlie Palmer, and unfortunately, Toby Young. My hatred of this man grows each week – surely the producers have figured out by now that he is not a welcome presence at judges’ table? Let’s hope for a troll-free season 7.

Michael V – Root beer braised pork cheek over a steamed truffle bun – it’s a hit!
Ash – Chilled pork tenderloin with a cherry and corn salad – the judges make sad faces as they eat.
Eli – Roasted pork belly with raw celery, carrot and fennel – Charlie Palmer thinks it’s a great dish but not a good pairing with his wine.
Kevin – Pork leg pate and mushroom salad with pickled cherries – bullseye.
Mike I – Stuffed pork shoulder with an orange blossom yogurt sauce – mixed but good reviews
Bryan – Braised pork spare rib with parsnip puree – another hit.
Jen – Braised pork belly with salad – a crowd pleaser and a good pairing.
Laurine – Pork butt rillettes over arugula salad – Dana declares it “cat food”. Ouch!
Robin – Brined center cut pork chop – it’s slimy with a lack of “porkiness” (thanks Charlie).

Padma performs her “let’s go back to judges’ table” benediction, and away they go. Hey, there’s a promo for Tabitha’s Salon Takeover! I love that little snootster…she is the only real personality to emerge from Shear Genius (and I include Jaclyn Smith in there, bless her).

Judges' Table: Don't Have a Pig, Dude! or, Pigabunga!

The chefs retreat to the Stew Room, and Padma enters to retrieve the top 4 chefs. Surprise, surprise, surprise! It’s the Brothers V, Kevin, and Jennifer. Honestly, if I were any of the other chefs, I’d just go home at this point…why even bother? The Chosen Chefs take their familiar stroll to the spotlights.

Charlie commends Michael for taking a lot of elements and making them work well together. He tells Jen that hers was the lightest pork belly he’s ever eaten. Toby jumps in and commends her pairing with a European pinot, which he compares to American pinots as the difference between “a hairy armpit and a shaved armpit.” For the love of…do they actually let this man cash his paychecks? Padma tries to remain composed as Tom falls off his chair. Tom regroups and compliments Kevin for his expert pairing of food and wine. Charlie gives similar kudos to Bryan.

After the lovefest subsides, Charlie announces that although all the dishes were worthy, the winner tonight is Kevin. Hey, he really IS The Pig Guy! He lets the judges know that he even has a pig tattoo, so this challenge was his from the start. For his prize, Charlie invites Kevin to be a guest chef at next year’s Pigs & Pinot gala. I guess Charlie is a one-event kind of guy. The Beautiful Chefs are sent back to fetch the bottom three: Laurine, Ash, and Robin. After the three exit the Stew Room, the camera lingers as Mike and Eli share some choice words about Robin – they hope she goes whether she has the worst dish or not. Mike goes as far as calling her Grandma – which makes me love him even more, because “Grandma” is two years younger than I am. Die in flames, turdboy.

Back to the smile-free version of judges’ table, where Toby lets Robin know that her pork was cooked well, but there simply wasn’t enough of it. Tom thought the sauce was gummy, and Charlie turned into Oprah by trying to get Robin to admit that it wasn’t a great dish.

Ash takes his turn in the spanking machine, and tells the judges that he did worry that his dish was too simple. Tom says that simple is fine as long as it has flavor, but Ash’s dish had none. Ash explains about his change of game plan halfway through, and Tom, having heard this flip-flop story before, all but gives up on Ash right there. Ash calls himself an idiot, and nobody disagrees.

Laurine is aware that her dish was not a success, for she ran out of time while putting the finishing touches on it. As she explains to Charlie how she made her rillettes, he interrupts her and asks her if she realizes that’s not how they are made. Ouch again! Having been spanked enough, the chefs return to the Stew Room, where Ash tries to retain his sense of humor amid the tense and morose atmosphere.

This Week’s Quickie takes place in the Stew Room as well, while the bottom 3 chefs were gone; as Eli proudly declares he is the only one to confront Robin to her face, the other post-adolescent chefs turn the tables and accuse him of flirting with and desiring Robin. Michael tells us that they all look at Eli like a kid brother. A kid brother with a big mouth, but definitely a kid brother. Also, the Bravo Live Poll reveals that viewers think about as much of Robin as the chefs do: she wins/loses the poll by a considerable margin.

The judges deliberate (basically repeating everything said above), and when the three shamed chefs return, the women are left standing as Ash is shown the door. Ash jokes that upon returning to his restaurant, he will create his originally planned pork dish as a special, and invite all the judges to sample it…except Padma. Wow! Where did that come from? This boy has a dark streak running through his happy-go-lucky demeanor. And with that, Ash flickers away.

Next week: Restaurant Wars! We see Laurine in street clothes (front of house?), Bryan getting ideas shot down by (Exec Chef?) Michael, (Exec Chef?) Jen freaking out about not being ready, and Robin getting steamrolled by both brothers who seem to be taking over her dessert. Sounds like another warm and fuzzy episode to me…

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