Bachelorette 5—Recap 7/13: Illusions and Delusion

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ALOHA boys and girls. Are you ready for some Fantasy? Having left Spain and dropped the Yodeler off in Texas ( I heard they packed him in one of those UN food crates with the automatic parachutes and shoved him out the cargo hold somewhere over Austin), we’ve arrived on the beautiful island of Maui, Hawaii, with Kiptyn, Reid and Ed.

Disclaimer to Viewers: This episode will be conducted entirely in the English language but not necessarily in good taste.

Helpful Host provides a recap of last week’s dates and sets it up: “One beautiful woman. Three handsome men. The dates of a lifetime. But will Jillian get past her fears? Kiptyn wants Jillian to trust him. Reid and Jillian soar to new heights---but will his fears bring them down? Ed is ready to take the plunge.” Pause. Ominous music. “Whose overnight date goes terribly wrong?” Stephen King doesn’t write stuff this scary.

Here come Jillian’s legs down the beach. Oh, good, she’s attached. Wearing one of her eensy teensy bikinis. “I’m here with the guys that are most special to me.” Spontaneously, with absolutely no prompting from off-camera ABC producer, she takes her finger and draws a heart in the sand: “J + ?” Pretty much whichever guy gets to the L word first is my guess for the “?”.

LEAP OF FAITH

Jillian, wearing her best PE uniform is excited about today’s date with KIPTYN, which is going to be an Adventure that’s all about Trust. She’s taking him on a “ropes course.” “I just wanna make sure that when things get tough that Kiptyn’s there for me.” Sweetie, it’s not Kiptyn you need to worry about trusting: it’s the guy who rigs those harnesses. They meet up on a suspension bridge with the rocket squeal and the run/jump/hug/twirl. I’d say out of all the guys, Kiptyn’s just about the best one at the run/jump/hug/twirl thing.

Establishing Shot: Lots of WWII-era telephone poles stuck precariously in the ground and a sky full of ropes and wires looking like some kind of barrier to ward off bat invasions.

Kiptyn and Jillian climb up onto the platform. First there’s a trek across a row of boards rigged up through the air, and then it gets harder, having to walk from one rope loop to another and finally there’s a tight-wire I swear only James Bond should have to go across. At first Jillian pretends to be brave, but then she gets all girly and squeamish and squealy and makes Kiptyn go first, saying there’s only “one of her.” Kiptyn points out there’s only one of him too. He’s funny and in his element and after she kisses him before he takes off on the tight-wire he jokes that he can now “die happy.” She’s making fun of him on the wire: “he was like a baby giraffe learning to use his legs.” Jillian on wire not shown, nor presumed to have occurred.

Now for the fun part. They each have to climb to the top of a telephone pole and jump off and outward to try to catch a couple of trapeze bars. (The native Hawaiians must have been pretty PO’d at Captain Cook to think up tortures like this for future generations of tourists.) Kiptyn scrambles right up and is standing on the top of that toothpick with ‘all the calm confidence of a Christian holding four aces’.* Jillian not so much—she gets to the last rung on the pole and panics. Kiptyn’s talking her through it: “What you’re gonna want to do is put your foot. . .”

Jillian: “What I’m gonna want to do is climb right back down.”

He doesn’t give up, and the next thing we know they’re both right up there at the top of the “totem pole” as Jillian calls it, and Kiptyn’s smiling That smile and giving her a wink.

Jillian’s still unsteady: “I think I’m gonna puke now.”

Kiptyn will not allow any such thing. “We’re about to take the Leap of Faith and you want to puke?” (Translation, stop acting like a twelve-year-old and jump already.)

So off they leap and surprise! Kiptyn catches the trapeze and Jillian’s left dangling by her harness like a side of beef on a meat-hook. Never mind though: Kiptyn assures her she’ll get the promised Kiss on the ground anyway. And the day ends with them Zipping off into the wild blue yonder on tandem lines. In an ASIDE, Kiptyn tells us of the pride he feels in Jillian for her courage and determination. and what an amazing gal she is and that he truly thinks they’d be a beautiful couple.

So what do a pair of lovebirds do after a full day of Army Ranger Training? Why sit on the deck and feed each other strawberries and have the guy say he came for The Girl and not The Travel.

But now it’s night and time for dinner and one of Jillian’s regular Torquemada Inquisitions. She’s wearing a snug little black jumpsuit (Catherine Zeta Jones always wears one of those in her “caper” movies, by the way) and Kiptyn has on a Civil-War era army surplus jacket, but hey, it’s Kiptyn: ya think there’s an outfit he wouldn’t look good in? Exactly. She teases him that they’re dining on top of the “totem pole” and he does the appropriate “double-take” look.

The dinner a deux (Okay, so I lied about the “all English” in this episode, but this is a Kiptyn date; there has to be some Foreign language.) is all about, yet again, “the world’s most insecure reality tv star” needing reassurance that she’s “good enough” for the perfect Kiptyn. She demands that he tell her his flaws. Ooh, that stumps him. Flaws? Oh, right, he says, “Well, flamenco dancing. That’s one flaw.”

Jillian stamps her little foot: “No some of the serious ones.”

Kiptyn (racking his brain to find an imperfection): “Umm, patience. Sometimes I’m impatient. And oh, yeah, the relationship thing. I’ve kinda had one foot in and one foot out of some relationships I’ve been in.”

AHA! I knew it.

Jillian jumps on that, well what if he did that to her, but after a few sweet nothings and his sincere assurance that he would never ever ever hurt her and of course she’s someone he Could Spend his Life With, she flutters her napkin and out falls the infamous Chris Harrison penned “Relinquish Rooms Card.” There’s a coy discussion with Kiptyn allowing as how he’d been wanting to spend the night with her all the way back to Spain and Jillian pretty much admitting that she was an idiot to have passed up her first chance at the prize: “I’m not gonna pass up another opportunity.”

They decide to Relinquish and head off to the promised Fantasy Suite, which is decorated in a style best described as “Gypsy Rococo.” They leap onto the bed and it takes all of ten seconds of smooching before Kiptyn firmly closes the shutters and locks out the cameraman. Night of Delight presumed, not shown. It’s okay, people, Jillian in her ASIDE assures us that it’s the “Real Kiptyn she’s falling in love with”. Not the bionic one.

MILE HIGH CLUB

It’s another day, and another Fantasy Date for Our Girl. She’s waiting for REID while standing in the middle of Farmer Brown’s cow pasture trying to figure out how to look nonchalant holding on to a three-foot inflatable plastic Beach Ball. You’re probably wondering why she has a beach ball with nary an ocean or a sand-box in sight? The ABC web site says to Twitter Chris Harrison for further information on that.

Reid arrives safely in one of the show’s terrorist-attack-proof gunmetal gray SUVs. He apparently did not get the Memo about the run, jump, hug twirl and nonchalantly strolls across the grass to hug Jillian in a very non-Bachelorette-contestant way. That Jillian, she’s such a tease: she tells Reid that she doesn’t want him distracted by the sights of Maui, so they’re just going to hang out in the field and toss the stupid ball around for like five hours. Fine, he replies: “Let’s make out”. Then he grins and kisses her. In an ASIDE he reveals that usually with girls he dates the feelings he has for them subside pretty quickly but that it’s different with Jillian—holding steady so far.


Mid-kiss, there’s a whirring sound overhead. Now we all know what that means, don’t we boys and girls? It’s a Helicopter! This must be like the twentieth helicopter date of the season, but I’m thinking this one is gonna be special ‘cause it’s not that ugly school-bus Yellow like the other ones. Reid’s grinning with delight. And guess what! He’s another Helicopter Virgin! Apparently that’s one of the requirements for show contestants—innocence of helicopter.


Up up and away we go on an aerial tour of the island. Special helicopter music soars to make sure we know the scenery is majestic and breath-taking. Our Girl and her Beau are enjoying the sights when the Pilot announces in one breath that there’s a famous waterfall on their left, and oh, by the way, “Wouldn’t it be romantic to get married right here and now in this very chopper? I’m the only Ordained Minister licensed to fly helicopters on the island.”
Now what are the chances of that—Jillian and Reid just happening to pick the one pilot who could marry them? I wonder if Jake’s considered this as a career opportunity; there wouldn’t be a lot of competition.

Anyway, Jillian thinks this is a great plan: “Let’s get ‘er done.”


Meanwhile, Reid is tugging on his seat belt and frantically looking around for Emergency Exit or the hatch to the Escape Pod. Anything.


Later, safely back on non-ordained terra firma, Reid tells us, “She might be the perfect girl for me. She might. But I’m not the kind of guy who hops on a helicopter and gets married.” Thank goodness for some sanity for a change.

Disappointed that he’s not getting the extra fee for performing the marriage ceremony, the pilot drops them near the as contractually required Sign at the Hana Maui Spa and Resort, which you will not be surprised to hear is one of Jillian’s “favorite places.” For somebody who’s spent their life with on the frozen tundra this girl has a suspicious number of “favorite places” stashed all over the world.

It’s picnic time on volcanic rock and you will never guess what subject comes up: Jillian wants to know if the “marriage talk” scared Reid. Heck no, he says, “not ‘til the pilot said he was an Ordained Minister.” Our Girl needs MORE. Sometimes I find her neediness so annoying I just want to tattoo her forehead with “Please Reassure the Occupant!”

Reid isn’t going to lie: “I definitely have feelings for you and they’re developing but this is going awfully fast for me.” He tells her that he doesn’t like seeing her with other guys and that he’s not great at showing his emotion. Well, he’s good at showing it, just not saying it. He’s totally abashed (and totally adorable) about this ‘I like you’ stuff: “I feel like I’m four.” Then he does the four-year-old thing, and spreads his arms to show her “I like you Thissss much.” You had to be there. It wasn’t as corny as it sounds.

Exterior. Night. Jillian, wearing a strapless gown in Tanner’s favorite mango-mango color, is on the beach, sans Beach Ball, waiting for Reid to join her for a luau. I expect the menu to be Reid on the Grill. I am not disappointed. She pushes him hard: “well, I’d move to Philly for you, what would you do for me? Would you propose at the end?”

Reid’s not giving in, but he’s not dumb either: “Maybe. Possibly. I’m indecisive—in my life. That’s a problem. But yeah, I’m ready for all that.” All the while he’s smiling that “how can you resist me” smile.

From her bosom or somewhere equally mysterious Jillian pulls out the Relinquish Rooms Card and makes him read it aloud. Reid confesses, “I’m scared. I got denied once.” Sugar, I think your luck is about to change.

We’re treated to one of Jillian’s justification speeches and she says that “Well, Reid won’t answer The Question, but I can see in his eyes he’s thinking about it” and that’s enough for her. They soon are seen to arrive at the Fantasy Suite, Reid wearing a special vampire-repellent herbal lei around his neck.

They’re on the sofa. He knows it’s the hot seat: “You ask good questions and I need to answer them. I don’t say the L word a lot, but I think that at some point in the future that could happen.” Jillian is apparently overcome by the eloquence because in the blink of an eye, they are both in a bubble bath, clothing and rose petals strewn about the floor in equal quantities. We leave them there with their champagne and Jillian asking “What happens now?” and Reid answering “This” and leaning in for the kiss. Relinquishing assumed, not shown.

CASEY AT THE BAT

Moving right along, it’s time for Bachelor No. 3, ED. Jillian: “Ed’s the third date in Maui. I’ve had two incredible dates. I’ve planned a classic date for him and I.” Kiptyn’s grammatical influence has sadly dissipated. Their day is to be spent aboard a catamaran, The Trilogy. They jump onto the boat. Hug. No twirl, but Ed tells us that “Jillian looked amazin’, smokin’ hot, tanned. I immediately just wanted to attack her.” (Missed your chance, didn’t you buddy?) Nobody is thinking Ed looks smoking anything in a blue Stanley Kowalski sleeveless undershirt and baggy shorts from his Camp Tanawanda days.

The boat sets sail as Romantic Music (aka Final Rose Ceremony theme) sets the mood and Jillian muses, “I trust Ed. I adore him.” They settle in on the canvas deck for kisses and a chat. Ed tells her he’s being thinking about her every minute of every day. She prods, “you haven’t been thinking about work?” His response is something like “Nah, now shut up and kiss me.” She wants to know something weird about him. He says when he was little his parents called him “Richie”. I think it’s weird he thinks that was weird, but Jillian must disagree because she’s really enthusiastic about smooching with Richie.

Tired and hot from making out, they decide to go for a dip and strip to their swimsuits. I am not believing my eyes. Ed has squeezed into a fluorescent green mankini a couple of sizes too small. At least he won’t have to worry about getting sand in his pants. Jillian is too besotted to care. She jumps into his arms and they jump in the ocean. No Leap of Faith reference made. Synchronized swim teams all over the world are madly envious as Jillian and Ed manage to simultaneously tread water and canoodle. They swim to a nearby cliff, climb up and jump off. If this girl doesn’t make you jump from some high place, you’d better start questioning the strength of your relationship.

Swim period over, Jillian and Ed are back on the Trilogy, and back to making out. Ed tells her he feels really disadvantaged because all the other guys got hometown dates, so amazing fellow that he is he has flown his parents to Hawaii for the sole purpose of getting to know her. I feel terrible because I’m sure he had to pay top price for their airline tickets on such last-minute notice. Jillian’s psyched: “SHUT UP! That’s brilliant. That’s brilliant Ed.” She tells us that Ed has made two brilliant moves, coming back and bringing the ‘rents. This deserves more smooching. Brilliant.

Camera on: Kapalua Resort sign. At least maybe he got a deal on the rooms. Ed and Jillian are ringing the doorbell. We’re about to meet Ed’s parents Ricky and Lucy. What? I’m sure that’s what I heard. Okay, be that way—their names are Rick and Judy and I’m sure they’re wearing shirts that Ed picked out because they look like they’re made from picnic tablecloths.

Jillian could not be more thrilled at the occasion and she’s chattering like a magpie that they cannot imagine what their son has been “putting her through” from the moment he got out of the limousine and introduced himself as Edward and how much he loves Christmas at home and. Ed has to interrupt with a little “uh, two crazy houses” because Ricky and Lucy are after all, divorced but never mind about that because Jillian is so perfect for the family because she likes to play cards. Shut up!

Judy and Jillian head outside so Judy can admit that she’s kind of surprised because she thought Ed would be “out of his element” on a TV dating show, but it all seems OK and after all she did get this free gig in Hawaii. Indoors, Pa wants to know, “What the Hell are we doing here? What’s going on?” Ed assures Pa that he’s not so stupid as to quit his job for a crush on a girl, and he’s got that all under control, and hey, the truth is, if she picks him he will Get Engaged to her. Pa says that’s OK then and he respects Ed for admitting he made a mistake.

Pa comes outside so he can have some alone time with Jillian. As Judy gets up from her chair, Jillian burbles “You did a great job raising your son.” Pa wants to know more about Jillian, so she gives him the hard childhood, being independent, working so hard speech we’ve heard about six times already. Pa seems satisfied, and tearing up, he tells Jillian, “I’ve never seen Ed put his heart on his shirt sleeves before.” (Ummm, Pa, that stupid undershirt of Ed’s is Sleeveless). Anyway, Pa says, “I just want you to be happy, that’s all. Ed is a best friend. I think you’re a really nice person and I hope things work out.” Can’t say fairer than that.

Jillian and Ed take a walk on the beach and Jillian tells Ed that she thinks his parents are Amazing and super-protective of him and Ed tells Jillian that he’s like the only thing that exists for his dad. Jillian is so pleased with the way things have gone that she pulls out another one of the Relinquish Room Cards. Of course, he can’t pass up some more time with her and she needs some “intimate” time with Ed. Apparently Ed is going to have to go without supper. Maybe she can make it up to him somehow.

At the Sheraton Maui, Jill is already in the Relinquish Room, lighting the candles herself. She is pleased as punch: “I wanted Ed back and I got him back. I wanted to meet his parents and I got to meet his family.” Ed, she continues, is olive skinned and tall and verra verra sexy. Meanwhile, Ed is thinking much along the same lines: “Jillian is beautiful and she’s sexy. I think tonight I could absolutely tell her I’m falling in love with her.”

Ed arrives and they go out on the balcony to admire Christmas lights put up by over-enthusiastic ABC interns Tiffany and Phillip. Jillian’s feeling the Romance: “Today was perfect.”

Ed responds in kind: “Yeah. I had a good time.”

Smooching.

Jillian’s worried he’s a workaholic. “When the honeymoon stage is over, I don’t want to take a back seat to work.”

Ed’s reassuring: “No, I want to come home and not check my email ‘til nine o’clock.” (That’s eight Eastern, if you’re keeping score.) “I’m here for you and I have strong feelings and I’m absolutely falling in love with you.” (Translation: Now can we for the love of God go jump into bed!) It works. He picks her up and carries her Rhett Butler style into the bedroom.

Jillian confides to the camera: “Him and I just need to go lie on the bed and spend the night together.”

They’re in bed, making out, and Jillian pops up and leaves the room for a few moments. Ed smells his armpits. Ed says, “When Jillian went in the bathroom I was super-nervous. This chick is smokin’ hot. Why does she like me? She came out blazin’ hot in one of the hottest outfits I’ve ever seen.” (What Ed is describing, boys and girls, was an abbreviated, condensed version of a white see-through night shirt, the likes of which have not graced the small screen since Colin Firth emerged soaking wet from the pond in Pride and Prejudice.)

Back to scene: Jillian has raided the complimentary toiletries basket in the bathroom for the massage oil and proceeds to slather it all over Ed. She’s moaning that it’s “the perfect end to a perfect day.” Now it’s her turn. Ed is being very thorough and careful not to miss any spots on her thighs and calves. I can hardly pay attention for worrying about how much they’re going to charge Chris Harrison for the pool of WD-40 all over the bedspread in the Relinquish Room. Just because you’re in the throes of passion does not excuse you from being Thoughtful of Others.

(Continuing): Jillian pulls Ed over for a kiss. Romantic shot through gauzy curtains. The light in the room goes out. The moon is luminescent over the ocean. Lingering. I’m thinking this is good because the camera guy and the ABC interns can knock off and go get a beer while the Happy Couple enjoy Chris’s hospitality. Then Boom! The lights go back on. Jillian’s climbing off the bed and the next thing we know there’s poor Ed/Edward/Richie crouched in a corner on the floor of the balcony.

We get excuses from Jillian: “Him and I were exhausted. Sunburned. There was that ‘I love you; I’ll take care of you’ but that feeling of ‘I want my hands all over you’ just wasn’t there. It worries me; it stresses me out.” Stresses You out? Honey, imagine how He feels! Speaking of which, Ed admits: “I couldn’t show her that I love her. She could ask me to leave and it would be all over.”

Now, this is going to end one of two ways. Either Ed is going to marry Jillian and they’ll have a nice laugh about all this someday or Ed is going to have to find a new career in something like Asbestos Removal where he wears a Hazmat suit and a helmet all day. Or maybe join the French Foreign Legion, if that even still exists. Or get into Witness Protection where they give you plastic surgery and a new identity. Anyway, it’s going to be Topic A down at the Blue Frog for years and years to come.

“SAY GOODBYE, HONEY BEAR”

Well, the fantasies are over and in the cold hard light of day, Our Girl is going to have to break somebody’s heart. Yup, it’s Rose Ceremony Day. Jillian’s getting dressed for the execution, err, event. “My biggest fear was what if I get to the end and I don’t have that feeling for anybody but that has not been the case.”

She steps out of an all-new virgin-white terrorist-attack-proof limousine and is greeted by Helpful Host. He’s sorry he wasn’t there to help out in Spain but he seems to have spent his time productively, studying his copy of “Counseling for Dummies.”

(Dialogue exact only as to author’s best recollection.)

CH: “So, Jillster, you fallin’ in love yet?”

JH: “Well, yes, Chris, as a matter of fact there are three guys and I’m falling in love with all three. One is the one I see dating and engaged, one I see myself married to and setting up house with, and one is the guy that walks through the door after 25 years.”

CH:“Wow, Jill, that’s Amazing. So tell me about those dates. I know there’s something really wrong with each one of these guys and I want to hear about it.”

JH:“Oh, you know Kiptyn: he’s such a leader and puts up walls and good lord, if I’m not careful he’ll break my poor little heart. Then there’s Reid. What a hoot! Just like a teenager he makes me feel, that one. “

CH: (interrupting): “Yeah, yeah, but it’s Ed I want to hear about. You met his parents and skipped dinner. What I want to know about is what went on in that darned expensive suite I sent you to.”

JH: “Umm, well, pretty much nothing. We just wanted to go to sleep. Ed’s mind was on other things. (To herself, thinking, “Damn, it better not be that job of his again.)”

CH: “ Sooo, this pressure’s affecting the In-ti-ma-cy of your relationship, huh?”

JH: “Don’t kid yourself, Chris. I’m falling in love and getting engaged. Or else.”

CH: “Well, we’ve got some nice spontaneous video messages the guys have left for you to help you make up your mind.”
JH: “Gee thanks, Chris.”

JH (to camera, sighing): “ I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. My heart’s already pounding.”

Interspersing arrivals of Top Three Finalists, we get to share the Very Private video messages the guys have left for Jillian. Kiptyn does a little travelogue and says with all this great stuff going on it’s not surprising he ‘could find myself falling in love with you.’ Reid assures her that ‘spending the night in the Fantasy Suite was one of the best nights of my life. I know I haven’t said the L word yet, but I’ve got really strong feelings and please “keep your Honey Bear around.”

Ah, but it’s Ed with the sales pitch that’s going to Close the Deal. “The time I’ve spent with you and away from you has changed me and made me a better man. You’re beautiful and inappropriate [what the heck?] and I would love the opportunity to spend my life with you and propose to you. I love you.” No matter that he sounds like he’s reciting lines in a high school play or that he may be over-compensating for certain deficiencies. He’s the first to get to the P word and the L word.

Man, is this a tough decision for the Bachelorette: she tells us she spent the night with all three of these dudes and still can’t make up her mind. Ed better be glad he mentioned the proposal thingy.

Returning from commercial, the camera focuses on a pond and a fish. A CARP. Subliminal suggestion anyone? The guys are lined up for the firing squad. Kip and Reid look gorgeous. Ed looks like his luggage got lost by the airline and he had to borrow a costume from the community theater’s production of “Little Lord Fauntleroy”; he’s wearing a crumpled baby-blue jacket and mismatched white trousers. He better be glad he mentioned the proposal thingy.

Helpful Host welcomes the dudes and threatens that he’s sending one of them home on the first plane when Jillian deflowers them. Jillian appears and makes one of her nonsensical speeches. Finally, let’s get this done. Oops. Jillian takes one look at Ed and decides she’d better have a little chat. Kip and Reid do not appear pleased by this development. You can guess What She Needs to Talk About. I mean, she knows they were hot and sunburned and tired and it certainly wasn’t his fault that it was just about the worst Fantasy Suite date ever but, hey, it won’t ever happen again, will it?

Ed jumps at the chance to get another chance. He does everything but pinky swear: “I’m really attached to you. Just trust me and believe everything I’ve told you up to now. I promise you. I swear to you.”

Well, what more could a girl want? They stroll back out to the posy podium hand in hand. Reid looks seriously close to barfing. Jill picks up a rose and calls out Kiptyn. (Did I mention they have the roses in some kind of toy boat?) Reid is swallowing hard. Ed gets the only other rose. Helpful host does his “I’m sorry, Reid, say your goodbyes” thing.

Reid lumbers up to Jillian and takes her hand. “I hope you made the right move. I don’t know if you’re completely sure.”They walk out and sit down on the Bench of Sorrows. Jillian’s sniffling, “You’re everything I wanted. You’re goofy and fun, but I’m willing to make sacrifices and I don’t know if you are.”

He’s overwhelmed. He buries his face in her neck. “Oh, man. I don’t know what to say.”

Jillian sighs and tells him like a child, “Say goodbye.” She walks out with him to the waiting limo. They hug reluctantly. He whispers “Good luck to you” and is driven away and out of her life. She stands there, chewing on her finger, then walks back to Bench of Sorrow to sniffle some more. Good old Ed trots out, cause he wants to thank her for this very valuable Second Chance. The two of them head back to join Kiptyn, who’s been left to cool his heels for a very long time, and couldn’t be too pleased to see the pair of them walk in holding hands. Finally, some smiles and champagne and promises to leave this place and head to Big Island.

Reid’s in the limo, being driven around, apparently for hours and hours, because it goes from mid-afternoon to pitch dark outside. The Sad Guitar music is playing in the background. He’s kicking himself seven ways to Sunday: “I wish I could have opened up the way I should have. It’s definitely a tough moment. I don’t know. Maybe I screwed myself. I definitely could say I was falling in love with her. I don’t even know if she knew that. She was perfect with my family. Her and I got along. . .I don’t see her with the other two guys. I just don’t.” Oh, Honey Bear, don’t torture yourself. It’s not like there aren’t going to be like a thousand women lined up on your doorstep tomorrow morning.

Next Week: The Men Tell Nothing and A Musical Tribute to the Yodeler. I might have to wash my hair instead.

*used by permission of Mark Twain.

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