Bachelorette 5—Recap 7/06: Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em.

[BritLit]

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And welcome friends and fans to the forty-eleventh hour of Bachelorette 5. From a galaxy far far away our helpful host informs that Jillian is taking the four remaining Bachelors to Spain: “Jillian is falling for Kiptyn. Can she trust him with her heart? Reid wants to open up, but will he lay his heart on the line? Ed needs to make up for lost time. But is it too late? Then Jillian finally confronts Wes. And she’s not letting him off the hook this time.”

Over gratuitous touristy shots of –Espagna, as Kip’s family likes to call it, Our Girl gives us the rundown on her Final Four.

Kiptyn—He has a hot body and she is entranced by his collection of abdominal muscle groups (apparently in excess of those previously recognized in adult males) “eight pack, nine pack, twelve pack”. Kiptyn has three problems: he’s too perfect, he’s never had his heart broken and he may break hers. Yup, three great reasons to dump a guy.

Reid—He’s the tortoise in the group. This is not a good thing. The kissing’s pretty great and the hometown date went well. They have chemistry and ‘something special’ and opposites attract, but “Is Reid ready to be committed and make sacrifices and fall in love with me.” I have mental picture of unplucked chickens being dumped into giant fondue pots of boiling oil.

Ed—He arrived late the first night and he’s been playing catch-up ever since. Then he went and did that incredibly stupid thing and left just to keep from getting fired from his job and she was really hurt (sniff). Now he’s back. The question is: can he prove by some Herculean feat that he’s never going to let her down again and that she’s the only thing that matters to him for ever and ever.

Wes—Just what we needed: a little replay of Wes’s Amazing Journey on the show, from kissing her hand at their first meeting (ABC intern scurrying over with Purell bottle not shown) to their first date and that giant bank vault door (sigh, if only the timing on the auto-lock hadn’t been slightly off) to the shootout with Captain America and his Pilot Wings of Virtue in Austin. So what does Our Girl want from the Yodeler? “I need him to assure me he wants to be my husband some day.”

MADRID—Kiptyn

Jillian is walking down the street, “so happy to be here in Spain with four guys I adore.” There’s a close-up shot of a pink rose. If you’re into subliminal suggestion—and who isn’t—pink roses mean gratitude. Of course I would never suggest she’s insecure and just can’t believe that a guy like KIPTYN is still hanging around. Other people might say that, but not I. Though she did remark that she “worries Kiptyn is out of my league.” She spots him and yells, “Hola, Kiptyn!” They run to greet one another along a wall bordering a garden of shrubbery trimmed into phallic shapes. She leaps into his arms and he gives her the patented Bachelor Twirl.

Jillian gushes, “I’m in a place of culture and excitement and I feel like a Fairy Princess.” I’ve always thought that an odd expression—in my experience the Fairy Princess is usually getting thrown into a dungeon or tortured by an evil witch or almost forced to marry an ill-kempt untalented country singer, er, I mean nefarious nobleman. Never mind, she seems happy, if a little vague on the culture bit. It’s just a park, not the Prado.

It is now time for our regularly scheduled Interrogation. Sometimes I think this show is just another TV spinoff: “Law and Order—Propose to Me or Else”. To her pointed questioning, Kiptyn reveals that he talked about this very subject with his mom and sister and that frankly, “I think a proposal is far off at this point. It’s something I want to do once, and do right.” Sounds like a pretty good idea to me. Jillian, not so much. She makes one of her gobbledegook speeches which more or less translates to “Sure, fine for now, but by the end of this buddy you’d better be there on your knee with the Big Rock.” Then she confides in us that Kiptyn is going to have to “take a leap of faith.” Or walk the gangplank. Whatever.

Part Dos of the date is going to be at the Café de Morena where flamenco dancers Maria and Richardo await. Kiptyn’s considering this okay entertainment ‘til he finds out he’s going to be the Star Performer along with Our Girl. They have a brief lesson in which Jillian comments on the butt-shaking and they then have to change into appropriate costumes. Jillian thinks Kip looks hot in his super-tight pants, red sash and “cute little short Spanish blazer.” It’s called a Bolero, dear. Another annoying Foreign Word. They dance, rather lamely. Kiptyn observes: “Flamenco and me should never hang out again.” He picks her up and carries her off the stage in a what seems to be romantic gesture. I’m thinking he just wants to get the hell out of there. Purpose of date: “to determine whether Kiptyn is willing to make a fool of himself on national TV.” He passed, and she thinks “tonight we can get to a whole new level.” This show has more Levels than “Dungeons and Dragons”.

More gratuitous touristy scenery—little kids blowing bubbles, playing in fountain. Subliminal clues.

Now it’s night and Jillian is waiting for Kiptyn on the street. She’s wearing those yellow heels she usually saves for the car-wash. She tells us that tonight it is Serious Talk time and that that proposal thing is definitely going to come up. As compensation for being made to look like a sissy dancer, Kiptyn is going to get to transport them to dinner on a moped. He isn’t much better at that than the dancing, They arrive unscathed. Same cannot be said for scooter. Kissing before dinner. He’s improving in that department: less platypus-lip.

The first course arrives. It’s escargot. Kiptyn peers into a shell and speaks to its occupant, “Hello, buddy.” To assure him of her sophistication and that such a dish is not strange to her, Jill offers that “in Vancouver there are tons and tons of giant slugs and snails. Everywhere.” Two thoughts occur: “ I hope Reid doesn’t find out” and “the Yodeler will fit right in.”

Okay, enough of the chit-chat, let’s talk about kids. He’ll admit to wanting them. Sometime or other. How ‘bout that, she marvels? Amazingly, much of her youth was spent devoted to the baby-sitting of zillions of children, (presumably never allowing one of her charges to be eaten by giant slug). She makes Kiptyn tell her what his “last three girlfriends” would say about him. He replies, “That they wish I were twins.” Ah, Kiptyn, that’s just so cute. Her real concern, though, is that he’s “too nice”, that in her parents’ marriage her mother often “wore the pants” and she’s having no part of that. Kiptyn assures her that the crotch-shortening trousers he wore earlier in the day had no lasting effect and that he is every bit the Alpha Male.

Finally, the Envelope arrives. We are told it contains lovely invitation from absent Helpful Host and magic key to Fantasy Suite. She tries to make him commit to Night of Passion, but Kiptyn is way too cool for that. He says it needs to be her decision. We get another gobbledegook speech from Jillian about how smart and thoughtful and totally virtuous she is and that she just wants to go cuddle and “hang out.” Besides, he hasn’t used the L Word or committed to proposing, so he can just cool his heels for a few more episodes. Kiptyn tells us that although he was “excited when the card came” that he “totally respects the way she feels.”

So, off they go to canoodle in the Fantasy Suite with the red bordello (as opposed to Bolero) wallpaper and enough votive candles to light the city of Beijing. (Veteran watchers of the show who like to prognosticate may wish to note there is No guitar music accompanying Fantasy Suite Interlude.) There’s more absurd conversation, some smooching on the bed, and just to make sure there is no misunderstanding on our part, we see the Goodnight Kiss and Kiptyn walking down the hall.

Non-Committal Confidential Interview from Kiptyn: “I’m getting closer to falling in love with her.” Confidential Interview with Jillian: something to the effect of “when I was lying there all tangled up with him, kissing, I thought I must be crazy for not spending the night.” A thought shared by many, I dare say.

SEVILLA—Reid

Today’s the day for REID’s big date, and Jillian is excited. “I’ve never been anywhere as beautiful as this. As soon as I see Reid I get a permagrin on my face.” Permagrin not illustrated. Reid arrives, face unshorn, hair uncombed and clothes that look like he’s come directly from the Drunk Tank at the Sevilla Jail. Never mind: he makes up for all that when he leans over her shoulder and greets her cheerfully, “Hola, mi amor.” He compliments her and kisses her multiple times. No twirl. They head out, stopping at a street vendor so he can acquire a daisy to tuck behind her ear.

Jillian gestures to her picnic basket and indicates to Reid that they’re going shopping and have a picnic. She informs us: “We’re going to pick up some wine and some cheeses and him and I are going to hang out in the park and make out.” Excessive exposure to Kiptyn has not damaged her pronoun proclivities. They set about visiting various food shops and attempting to communicate with the locals via a language hybridized from Spanish and Klingon. At the butcher’s shop, Reid is terrified that someone is once again going to force him to eat raw meat and tries to pantomime the word “sandwich” but it looks more like he’s asking directions to the dentist. I’m betting he’s always the last one picked when the family plays Charades. In the cheese shop, he learns that the true meaning of his only real Spanish phrase, “Soy Grande” is: “I’m big.” This is inexplicably thrilling to him and he repeats the phrase several times with pride. (Note to Reid: This may also be useful in future trips to Starbucks.) Leaving the shop, they stop to kiss under picturesque arch.

They’re on a bench with their picnic. The world’s most insecure reality TV star ever is fishing for compliments, wanting him to tell her how much his family loved her. He teases her: “They really liked you. I was surprised.” I said, “You Like Jillian?” Good one, Reid. She attacks him with the “How do you really feel about me?” and he parries with the “aw, shucks, I’m no good with this gooey talk stuff.” Enough of the yammering, let’s get down to the smooching.

The sun has gone down on Sevilla and it’s time for Night Date. They meet on a bridge and smooch before heading out to dinner. Jillian’s in a spiffy sundress. Reid has marginally improved his grooming with the addition of a a clean shirt, but he still hasn’t bothered to shave or comb his hair. Maybe he’s counting on a shower later in the Fantasy Suite.

Jillian claims (spuriously in my opinion) she’s not a girl who needs to be told by Her Man every minute of every day that she’s his perfect woman without whom his life is going to be forever ruined, but maybe later on he might just want to mention a thing or two. Reid reacts, “It feels good. Obviously we’re physically attracted. It could be love, but I’m not there yet. Sometimes I might need a push to know it’s love. But you smell good. So, how do You feel? Maybe you could tell me now, and then I’ll tell You later.”

Dinner arrives; it’s crustaceans, and Reid eats them without a fuss. Unlike Kiptyn, he does not talk to the critter he is about to swallow. He looks at her, ruefully, “I know the shrimp isn’t going to save me.” “I like you a lot, but I move slow. I’m afraid one of the other guys is going to say something first whether he means it or not.” Well done, Reid m’boy, play that jealousy card. He accuses her of rolling her eyes. She denies it. Then he puts it out there: “I think the way it’s going now—it could be what you and I both want.”

The special card from Helpful Host arrives for the Fantasy Suite.. He’s concerned: “Is it going to be in Spanish?” It’s in English. “Interesting,” he says, “I’m going to leave this up to you.” “Why?” she want to know, daring him. “Because,” he replies reasonably, “it’s the gentlemanly thing to do.” Mischievously he adds, “But I have MY room key in my pocket. I want to do what you want to do.” Or not. Because it looks like what she wants to do is babble some more.

At the same time she’s practically waving the room key in his face, she launches into a speech about what they have is so super-special and does he remember at the Rose Ceremony where all he wanted to do was make out but she wouldn’t let him and now because of that their relationship is even more ‘specialer’ and he cannot even imagine the paroxysms of joy he is going to experience the next time Helpful Host has a Special Room Key to hand out and she maybe gives it to him. My sorority sisters in college used to use that line all the time, but it never worked as well as it does for Our Girl. Reid mutters, “Uh, okay, I guess that makes sense.” Which is pretty charitable of him to say, if you ask me. He does manage to get in a dig about her making out with three other guys, but she shuts him up with kisses.

In his Confidential Interview, Reid’s a lot more sanguine, “Obviously I wanted to wake up with her. For me, that sucks.” Jillian reports that she FEELS like she’s falling in love with Reid. I think that’s something like thinking you’re about to get the measles. So, off they go into the night, Reid giving her a piggy-back ride and claiming, “you know they do this in Philadelphia, right? You can actually jump on a guy’s back and he carries you around the city.” Rickshaw Philly. I’m sure I’ve heard of it.

Okay, now, officially this date has ended but Just. So. You. Know. There was a Fantasy Suite visit for Reid and we can prove it because there are previously released photos of the two of them wearing bathrobes in said ultra-luxurious Seville hotel room, rose petals scattered about. Believe what you will. I just report the facts.

SEVILLA—Ed

“Coming up,” the voice of Helpful Host tell us, “ED must prove his love again.” Drat, I must’ve missed the episode where he Proved His Love the first time.

They meet on the street. Jillian is pleased to see him. “Eeeeyudddd, welcome to Spain. I’ve miiisssed you.” She gets a big hug, no twirl. Her khaki short-shorts are so snug they look to have been sprayed on. No really, they’re still wet on one side. Today’s recreation is going to be a carriage ride, providing much needed chat and make-out time. Did I mention how far behind Ed got on his two-week vacation from the show? Waaaay behind. Not shown, camera-man perched backwards astride horse’s haunches, camera in one hand, the other futilely clutching horse’s tail in effort to stay aboard and record intimate moments.

Ed, of course, has “some ‘splainin’ to do” about just taking off in the middle of Canada, leaving Our Girl standing there, heart in hand. He’s not going to make a big deal of it (I’m definitely not feeling any concern about who’ll wear the pants in His family). According to Ed, he had this big crisis at work and he has this amazing job and he didn’t really have any choice but to leave and take care of it, but that once he got home he just thought about Jillian day and night and could not get her off his mind and realized he really liked her and he needed to “reprioritize” and get back in the game to see if he could win. Er, her heart, I mean. “At first I was distant; I’m not the kind to push other guys away to be with the girl. But I thought I should come back and get to know you.” Besides, today is the first day of the rest of their lives. This is evidently the very thing Jillian had hoped, wished and dreamed of hearing, because the rest of the carriage ride is devoted to catch-up smooching.

Jillian is euphoric. “I feel like I’m in a dream right now. I’m in a carriage in Spain with Ed.” Judging from degree of heat generated by kisses, I decide being in dream with Ed considered preferable to being in fairy tale with Kiptyn.” They stop for wine and kissing at a sidewalk café. In response to her pestering, Ed tells her that she would have gotten along very well with his family and that as a reward for good behavior he would have taken her to a Karaoke Bar. Jillian finds this hilarious. They walk into the middle of a boulevard for more kissing. They climb into a fountain and movie-kiss for by-standers. They are now both soaking wet. Not shown: carriage drivers wearing Fred Munster costumes making them sit on floor to protect leather seats.

Jillian admits to the camera: “A big irresponsible part of me just wants to make out with him. I can’t stop kissing Ed. I need to get our quantity of kisses back up to par.” Number required to reach par not mentioned.

It’s night, and the Dream Team is back in the carriage destined for dinner. So far, Ed’s ahead in the sartorial sweepstakes; he shows up in a blazer and crisp white dress shirt. Jillian’s wearing a snappy little black pencil skirt and white blouse with heels higher than her leg is long.

Ed tells us that “Today was an amazing day. We have great chemistry. I know I probably broke her heart when I left.” Ed gets an A for Arrogance.

Ed is also very good at “telling girl what girl wants to hear.” She’s whining again about not meeting his family. She’s harped on this so much, by now I’m wondering if she suspects he’s some sort of alien EDroid and wants proof he’s really human. Ed, who I’m suspecting of having advance intel about that Fantasy Suite key, manages to avoid the L word and the M word while somehow convincing Our Girl that must be what he’s saying.

Ed (dialogue accurate only as to author’s best recollection: “You know if you were to come to Chicago and live it’s not that I think it would be all roses all the time, but I can see us being like one of the Great Couples of All Time and in US magazine almost every week. I mean people would be so envious because I’d be taking you to Cubs baseball games even though you’re just a lame Canadian who doesn’t know a baseball bat from a hockey stick, but you wouldn’t notice because there’s like thousands of hot dogs at the stadium for you to dress up. Oh, and did I mention I want kids? Two years, three tops. My mom’s begging for grandkids, and hey, ‘Who wouldn’t want another little Ed around!”

Not sure whether it was the hot dogs or the kids that did it, but by the time the Card from Helpful Host shows up, she’s putty in his hands. He makes Her read it aloud, while he’s fiddling with her hair. Ed, slyly: “I would LOVE to spend the night with you.” She’s going to make him work for it. Not much. Just a token amount. “Well, when I know what this card represents I’m scared you’ll leave me again.”

Ed, rushes in to reprioritize: “I think you can interpret this a lot of different ways.” (Translation, ‘tell yourself whatever makes you feel better, just give me the damn key.’) “I think I’ve missed spending a lot of time with you.” They’re grinning like a couple of kids who’ve just stolen a bottle of booze and are heading to the tree house. She’s fiddling with the key, pretending to be undecided. “Well, I think we Should hang out for a bit.” He kisses her to seal the deal.

They arrive at the Fantasy Suite. Once again there’s no shortage of Romantic Candle Illumination. Jillian tells us that she feels like a Queen. Uh-oh, Kiptyn, hear that? Queen trumps Princess, every time. They survey the room. She pretends to be surprised, “Um, one bed.” Onto which they promptly launch their bodies and begin further remedial make-out session. Jillian doesn’t want Ed to get any untoward ideas: “We’re sleeping in our clothes.” Ed says gravely, “I think that’s a very respectable thing. A very good decision.” And as long as the cameras are rolling, that is exactly how they remain. Fully clothed and in close proximity. As in so close you could have fit three or four more couples onto that bed.

BARCELONA—Wes

And the fourth and final and undoubtedly Best Date Ever goes to: the Yodeler. Random touristy shots of Barcelona street scenes: a couple kissing, old men playing Bocce. Jillian is excited to be spending this date in this city with this amazing talented handsome guy. I check TV Guide to be sure I’m watching correct show. Yup. No doubt just some misperception on my part.

Jillian and the Yodeler meet up and set off to explore the city on bicycles. Just as they’re pedaling under a magnificent arch, Wes snidely tweaks Jillian, “I hope your bicycling skills are better than your cross-country skiing.” Nonetheless, he’s glad to be here and very knowledgeable about the culture. “I’m fired up; I don’t know much about music in Barcelona, but I had a number one album in Chihuahua so I’m comfortable around Spanish people.” Unbeknownst to Mexican government, city of Chihuahua has clandestinely upped and moved to Europe.”


The ensuing conversation may be worth relating.

Jillian: “I’ve missed you.”

Wes: “Whatever. Like you aren’t saying that to all the guys.”

Jillian (trying harder): “You look cute on a bike.”

Wes: “C’mon baby. Feed my ego.”


They arrive at a gazebo where spread a blanket on the floor for an impromptu picnic. Jillian’s determined to get some positive reinforcement and demands that he tell her what he first thought of her. Wes: “I liked you from the get-go, but not as much. Honestly, you’re perfect.” This would have been marginally more believable if he had not at the time been picking food from his teeth with filthy fingernails and sitting at such a distance from her as to make plain that he thought she might have one of those mysterious diseases people get in foreign countries.

She’s not going to let him off the hook. “I just feel like when we’re together, you spend all your time defending you and not talking about us. So, let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, we’re together and we’ve decided the best thing would be for you to move to Vancouver.” He looks at her in utter amazement and scoffs, “That would be crazy.” Not willing to quit, she prods, “So how would we make it work?” That’s not his concern: “That bird has no foot.” Then, just to make sure she can’t move in closer, he spills his beer all over the blanket.

Maybe dinner will be better. Jillian’s a little concerned that even though Wes claims the two of them are a great match, he’s been distant today. Nonetheless, she’s “excited for Wes and I to get to this beautiful Spanish restaurant. Since Austin, there’s been some distance between us.” Not enough, babycakes, not nearly enough.


Wes has taken great care with his appearance for dinner. He’s wearing a pair of blue jeans so filthy they could, as my grandmother used to say, stand up by themselves, his favorite hideous hobo Western shirt hanging out, his usual excess facial hair and beat-up cowboy boots. And the rat’s-nest on his head? Well, let’s just say that one of the top guys from Acme Exterminators was on set at all times to guard against rodent attacks.


Dinner is in a private room. (Hey, would you be seen in public with the Yodeler?) She hates to bring it up, but there have been those annoying red flags that keep coming up about Wes. “you know, you’re like that bad-boy singer I’m attracted to.” She needs some answers.


Wes, bristling at the thought of having to defend himself, decides to oblige. “Whatever. I’d like to clear the table. I don’t have a girlfriend. I didn’t tell any of the guys I did. If I did I’d be gone.” In fact, it seems it’s really his manager’s fault, because his manager thought that it would be a great way to sell records and told him if he did the show “just don’t get gone the first night.” But hey, Wes has already met his goals—he’s sung her his song, and his whole band got to play on TV and now he’s famous, so if that was what he was here for why would he still be hanging out?


Jillian’s back in whining mode, “If you were really crazy about me, today you would have come up to me and kissed me. If you’re really here for the right reasons, you should be showing me affection, you’re competing with other guys.” Umm, maybe competing isn’t exactly the word you’re looking for, Jillster.


Wes is having none of that. “What if I thought you didn’t want me to kiss you.” Anyway, the ball’s in her court—she has to tell him that “he’s the one” or all she’s getting is the cold shoulder. Here come the tears, “Well, how can I say ‘you’re the one’ unless I know you feel the same way?” She gives him one more chance: but if you maybe came here just for your career but now you’ve changed your mind yada yada. I’m pretty sure at this point she’s repeating herself.. Not to mention looking like a complete and utter fool.


Perhaps she’ll make more headway with the girlfriend accusation, which Jake so kindly brought to her attention in Austin. Jillian: This person named Laurel, I think she’s important to you and I want to know why.”


Ooh, now Wes is really riled. “We were together for six years. She’s important to me.”

Jillian: “And what Jake told me?”

Wes: “I told him the whole story, my girlfriend. . .” Deadly silence. Correcting himself, “EX girlfriend.” The whole time he’s absent-mindedly scratching his jaw with his middle finger. More tears from aggrieved Bachelorette.


Just then, the invitation to the Fantasy Suite from Helpful Host is delivered. Wes reads the card and smirks. I mean all-the-way-across-his-scruffy-face smirks. “I think we should. Actually.” He has a bigger smirk, if that’s possible. Okay, that’s enough to push even St. Jillian over the edge: “BLEEP. I think we should just skip it.” With that, she walks him to the door and puts him into a cab. Goodnight kiss not shown, nor believed to have occurred.


Jillian needs to reclaim some dignity: “I’m embarrassed that Wes came on here and has a girlfriend and been on here for his career. I feel sorry for him.”

GO WEST, Young Man. And Stay There

From a distant land comes the voice of Helpful Host: Coming up—the dramatic rose ceremony. Will she finally get rid of Wes?” The suspense is almost unbearable.

A new day dawns and with it comes the Rose Ceremony. Jillian feels “the romance I’ve been feeling has exploded. My feelings for these guys are twice, three times what I was feeling. I’ve never made a decision I regret and I’ve never been more sure at a Rose Ceremony.

She arrives for the event wearing black. It’s a strapless number with a bodice that won’t stay up no matter how much she tugs on it and an abbreviated fluttery skirt that brings to mind that unfortunate one-footed bird.

The guys are lined up in a courtyard, awaiting their fate. Ed, Kip and Reid look fab in dark suits and beautiful ties. Wes has apparently slept in his clothes from last night’s date but added a jacket to dress up the ensemble and stands slouched defiantly, hands in pockets. He tells the others, “if it’s me, you boys know I will be back home, having lots of sex.” Kip and Reid look as if they’d like to toss his scrawny carcass down the steps.

What follows is The. Best. Rose. Ceremony. Ever. Ed gets the first rose. Reid raises an eyebrow quizzically. Reid is next. Kiptyn is close to falling over in a dead faint. After the required Dramatic Pause, she gives her last rose to Kiptyn.

Wes is frowning, but clearly not surprised. Jillian offers to walk him out. It seems like a gracious gesture, but I’m assuming she just wants to make completely sure he’s definitely off the premises.. She puts him into a stretch limousine. I would have preferred a three-legged burro and a map of Chihuahua.

Jillian returns to the Three Musketeers and kisses them all in turn surprising them with the news that they’re headed to Maui for fun in the sun.

Wes’s drunken limo farewell is such a cautionary tale for women everywhere that I duplicate his remarks here. (Must be read in snide, gloating, derogatory and slurry voice.)

“I’m going down in flames. I'm the first guy on the Bachelorette ever to make it to the top four with a girlfriend. (snickers) You know, I think it's going to take me a long time to be able to, you know, get back on my feet. (grins diabolically).

“Yeah, my acting days are over. I've definitely gone as far as I could possibly go with Jillian. I mean, I've already done everything I needed to do. So this is just kind of another bump in the road. I'm going back home. My band and my dog are waiting. We're pushing a brand-new single right now, and I got a big radio tour that I gotta do ASAP.


“And let me tell you what - tonight, I'm in Spain, and it's about to go down. I'm going out. I'm cutting off the chains. (Makes clicking noise) I’m a free man.


“How you gonna lose to REID? He’s a (insult deleted). You gotta be kiddin' me. I was born at night, but not last night. And ED! Huh, them boys couldn't get so much as a nibble back in Texas.

“It’s on; it’s on like a pot of neck bones. I’m in Spain and everybody’s gonna know my name.”

Yes, Wes, we know your name and it is INFAMY.


Next Week: Aloha!

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