Super Dark and Highly Illicit Man-Diaries – Four

[MsFroggy]

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So far, this has been the most stressful and trying week in our super clandestine quest for these damn Bachelor diaries. If it weren't for our undying devotion to the gods of comedy you, our faithful worshipers, frankly, after days of constant spazzing over whether we'd even have the sacred goods for you this time around we were thisclose to throwing in the towel and just making it all up skipping the hometown diaries altogether. But our highly evolved sense of duty towards our hordes of fans just wouldn't let us quit without a fight.

Monday night we paid off Mike Fleiss our spy with double the usual amount – a big fat thank you to all of you who are still sending PayPal donations for our party budget for the cause - with the understanding that this time he won't shy away from boxers, briefs or other, er, things and he'll deliver those diarific gems to us no matter what. Tuesday was quiet and we were hopeful but by Wednesday we started hearing rumblings from our spy's camp, some bitching about unforeseen hurdles, outrageous midnight excursions to some Bachelors' parental residences and even tales of a couple of arrest warrants having been issued for trespassers and such. Like we cared! The money was paid and we expected results, dammit! But then early Thursday rolled around and panic set in here at Diaryland Headquarters when none of the precious pages have turned up yet and Mike Fleiss blocked all our calls our contributor was unreachable till late morning.

Some frantic phone calls later to some of the Bachelors' neighbors, ex-girlfriends, jealous co-workers our other sources turned up little of value besides some interesting dirt that we may reveal later if you all beg prettily enough. Finally, we were able to line up a crucial meeting with our contributor during which we screamed and threatened and did said other things we won't talk about. Our deeds and cold hard cash dedication finally won out because here you are reading these super secret pages yet again. And we don't even know how they were really obtained, nor do we care this time!

Bow down and worship your gods, supplicants! Read:

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Kiptyn:

Dear Book of Manly Thoughts,

Thanks to the play book that Chris Harrison gave me, I totally nailed the hometown date greeting: run, hug, twirl...and rose! Okay, it doesn't hurt that the family abode has a nice hot tub. Hey, I studied up and I'm a smart guy. I think I could have gotten to some of that Jason-level action if my mother wasn't positioned spying on us outside the window. I need to find out if she did that on her own or if one of these PAs put her up to it. If so, that PA is going to get his ass kicked back to LA. Oh, and BoMT, let me clue you in on a little secret--here was no way Jillian was going to get that "taste test" wrong. The cheap wine was from a box and the bad lasagna was cold Stouffer's. I've learned a lot about the magic of television, and I can see getting into some broadcast opportunities really soon if this doesn't work out. Wes can't be the only one around here to look out for Number One.

Speaking of Wes, I can't believe I'm going to have to share space in an airplane with him. If he whips out a gee-tar, I'm going Bluto on him and smashing it into a million pieces, TSA be damned.

Love,

Kiptyn

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Michael:

Yo Diary!

Waa! Waa! So my girl, she dumped me. *sniff* I could have really fallen for that girl but it’s okay. *sniff* I don’t have one bad thing to say about her. She’s beautiful and I want her to be happy even if it’s not with me and…..oh, screw it. *sob* I don’t want her to be happy. I want her to be miserable. I want her to laugh so hard at Reid’s cheesy jokes that she gets choked on champagne and blows it out of her nose And I want the bubbly to burn so much it singes her nose hairs. I want her trip over Ed’s big feet and fall down the stairs. And when Ed goes to help her up, I hope he trips over his own big feet and falls on top of her. When she goes surfing with Kip, I want her to wipeout on the board. And when she goes to sit on the beach to watch him show off on his surfboard, I hope she gets sand all up her butt. And I want her to catch Wes’ STD…..because we all know he has one…..and itch on national television. That’s what she deserves for letting me go.

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Reid:

Dearest Diary,

Oh my, oh my , oh my! Jillian came to my home town and I finally had her all to myself. Well, my family and I had her all to myself. She fit right in. I got them to say all the right things and she believed them, I am so happy. Of course, the things were true, but since they said them and not me, Jillian will think they are even more true. I showed her my building that is on the market. I didn't tell her how long it has been on the market (4 years, 3 months and 27 days, please let it sell soon or it will go into foreclosure!) and she seemed impressed. Sure, it was boring, but she loves that about me!

Doesn't she?

I am worried,

Reid

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Jake:

Dear Diary,

I just got back from my first meeting of Tattletales Anonymous. Golly, jeepers what a nice bunch of folks! Since it was my first time I had to get up and talk. I haven’t been so nervous since I went to tell Jillian about my good buddy Wes having a girlfriend. It’s kind of a bummer, though, I asked Tanner to be my Sponsor but can't do it 'cause he’s busy with his new gig as Celebrity Spokesman for Dr. Scholl’s Corn-removing Pads. Sorry can’t write more, I’ve got to go finish filling out my report about one of the flight attendants taking a copy of In-Flight Magazine home with her this afternoon.

My best friend and yours,
Jake

PS I’m kinda worried about the phone system over at ABC. They were supposed to get right back to me about being the next Bachelor and I haven’t heard a word.

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Jesse

Somebody heeelp me! I’m up here on top of the Golden Gate Bridge with an empty magnum of '99 Kovacs Bros. Cabernet and I am so darn dizzy I feel like I’m gonna fall. I'm soo sad and I don't know why. The last thing I remember is this dame about four foot eleven being totally ticked off and yelling something about my pervert brother wanting to be naked with her on a tractor out in the middle of the boonies. I need to get down, anyway. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be in Spain or somewhere. Oh, well, no need to rush.

Lookin’ good,
Jesse

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Ed:

Diary,

The good news is we patched the server, put in a new kickass hardware firewall, rebooted the network and finished some operating system upgrades at the office. No more command line based tinkering for the foreseeable future. Things were good and I was getting back with to dating my everyday life but then I got this call from ABC. Guess what, Diary! They wanted me back! I told them that Jillian and I had a serious runtime error back in Canada and no way were we ever going to reboot after our last crash and burn but they sounded so desperate on the phone, said Jillian was settling on this Wes character - dude's a Trojan, a root kit and a backdoor exploit all rolled into one - and they needed a clean install or the show was going to face the blue screen of death.

Then they offered me five solid figures to come back and pretend like I'm in deeply love with her. So I hung up the phone because I have standards. When they called back I could suddenly afford that 2 bedroom condo in Bucktown I've been eying for the past six months; the one with the parking space and the big porch. There's also a nice Korean buffet nearby with a solid $7.99 + tax lunch menu. Win! In the end, there I was knocking on Jillian's door and thinking this could be one big system failure but whaddayaknow! She took me back with minimal input on my part, gave me a rose and now I'm off to Spain with the others next week. Since I really like that garage space and the porch, I'm planning on giving this relationship a shot now. As soon as we get to Spain I'll tell her all about the server and the new firewall because I believe in total honesty if this is going to work.

Later,
Ed

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Wes:

Dear Diary,

Screw that lovey dovey crap. I have a new number 1 hit. They say Jake, they say Jake's a toolbag..... Man, Jake tried to show up and blow my cover with Jillian. Too bad for SuperJake that “Jilly” *gag* can't see past my down home Southern smarm charm. Jake better get back to that plane he flew in on and head straight back to Goody Goody Candy Land. Jake's leavin', on a jet plane... Hmm... I think I might be on to something with all of these Jake songs. Trying to manage 2 girls, a music career, as well as my own ego is just hard. Not to mention that having the whole world be jealous of me is absolutely exhausting, ya'all. I'm starting to run out of ways to lie convince Jillian I don't have a girlfriend. Maybe next time I can sing it to her? Hell, I don't even have to say a word. I can just stand there with my goofball smirk and a guitar in my hands. As long as I'm holding my guitar, Jillian is under my spell. I thought it was a pretty smooth move on my part to let Jillian meet my band. Hey, if things don't work out with us, she could always design my concert posters! Anyway, I got another rose! I am soooo smooth! I better call Laurel and tell her!!

Yee Haw!

The Wesinator

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Disclaimer: While we hold these Diary pages to be 100% authentic in every way, should we get sued, we will deny any and all involvement with the contents, the method of procurement and any barely legal activities we may or may not have conducted in connection with them.

Many thanks to our fearless contributors: AshleyPSU, BritLit, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl

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