Bachelorette 5—Recap 6/22: Fear of Fondues And Underoos

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It’s the Train Episode, in case you’re late to the party. Conductor Chris appears at the hotel to bring the good news that the dudes and the object of their desire will be spending the week aboard the Rocky Mountaineer trekking through—the Rocky Mountains! After one group date and two individual dates, there’ll be a total of five roses, and five hometown dates, to be had.

Jillian greets her future husband(s) at the train, and in keeping with this season’s theme of “Junior High Boys’ Locker Room Gone Wild” slaps each of them on the butt as they prepare to hop aboard. Jillian makes a shocking statement, “I have never had a date on a train and I’m really looking forward to it.” The guys are pretty psyched too; Michael points out that the train has “ like a dining car and like an observation car.” Like awesome. Reid’s beginning to be worried that he hasn’t had a one-on-one date and with hometown dates looming: “I really need one.”

[Insert gratuitous filler scenes of train traveling through beautiful Canadian Rockies.]

There’s a note of melancholy, too, though, Jillian confesses “I still miss Ed. I don’t know if I’ll miss him forever, but I still miss him. Right now I just want to be with somebody not too serious.” How lucky is that? We’re looking at a veritable smorgasbord of “not serious.”

Get a Job, Rob

Robby, whose head is unfortunately topped by a fedora stolen from one of the guests at a seventy-fifth anniversary party he bartended at the Shady Grove Retirement Home, opens the first date card. It’s for him, “Come ride the rails with me in a train car built for two.” Wow, that’s going to be one claustrophobia-inducing date, a train car built for two.

The date begins with Robby exhibiting the bartending skills which he would be using in his day job if he had a day job or a night job and exhorting himself: “I think I can; I think I can.” (Literary reference: Golden Books: “The Little Engine That Could.”) He attempts to impress Jillian by flipping and catching a silver drink shaker and produces some sort of pink-lemonady looking concoction. He is wowed by the whole experience: “The scenery is awesome. I think I’m in a good position to get a rose tonight. Me and Jillian are making a good connection.” I always say the first requirement of any good relationship is a shared love of proper grammar.

[Insert gratuitous filler scenes of train traveling through beautiful Canadian Rockies.]

Just then, the train passes through a long, dark tunnel. Not a good omen. They head back to the caboose for dinner. Note to future contestants: if the show won’t even spring for a restaurant meal and limits you to the “included meal plan” you probably don’t need to pack for a long-term stay.

Jillian says Robby makes her feel 5-10 years younger, that she picked him for this date because he makes her laugh, but she wants to figure out if “he’s someone I want to spend my life with.” Toward that end, she hits him up with her standard relationship question, except she’s shortened it from the usual, “What will you be doing in five years?” to “Are you ready to settle down and have a family in two years?”

The best he can come up with in response is that his whole family thinks he’ll be married before any of his three siblings, on account of the Descant curse whereby they all get engaged but never get married and well the truth is “How do you know when you’re in love?” Besides which, “I just need to figure out what I’m going to do. I have everything to be successful. I’m 25 and kind of between jobs right now.”

Jillian, with visions of coming home from a long day at work to a houseful of screaming brats and a deadbeat husband sitting on the sofa watching Ultimate Fighting Championship and swilling beer, is willing to prolong the date and take Robby back downstairs to her private car. Sitting beside her, he confides that he’s nervous, and in the same breath claims that being with her is relaxing. If he could only tell her how he feels: “I just wish I had a bigger vocabulary to say more.” Note to Robby: Reader’s Digest, monthly feature: “It Pays to Increase Your Word Power.”

Enough of this painful interlude. Robby gets the “I think we could be best friends, and call me in like ten years when you get out of high school” kiss-off. The train, as if reading Jillian’s thoughts, comes to a screeching halt causing near panic in the car with the other guys, “there’s a cliff on one side and a mountain on the other—so if you don’t get a rose you get thrown off the train in the middle of nowhere?”

Yep, pretty much. Jillian escorts Robby and his luggage off the train, gives him an insincere hug and leaves him alone in the wilderness awaiting rescue by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Robby is very perceptive: “She just thought I was too young. I feel very rejected. The Descant Family Curse must be real—cause here I am standing by the damn train tracks.”

Cut to: Guys on the train waving goodbye, visibly relieved it’s Robby and not them who’s out there in the cold without so much as a bar apron. A tear slips down Michael’s cheek. He’s astounded at the cruelty of it all, “Oh, my god, lightning just hit; now it’s about to be a tornado.”

Jill’s back in her private car, needing comfort. And who should appear, but---the Yodeler! Now how did he know just the right moment to sneak in there? But before he does, he confesses slyly to the camera, “Right now in this stage of the game if anybody’s here for a hidden agenda, it’s probably (BLEEP) me. I’ve been working on this album for a year. The fame that I get from this, (BLEEP) it’s like it just slips inside me, I can taste it. I’ve got (BLEEP) records to sell. I’ll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger.” He hops into bed with her. She’s so sad she’s had to let Robby go, “I guess I just thought there would be more jerks.” Wes is having none of that, “I don’t know, you might want to stick around a little longer. There are a bunch of ‘em still here.” The floor is now open for nominations. You must have recorded a country music album to be eligible.

[Insert gratuitous filler scenes of train traveling through beautiful Canadian Rockies.]

Fire and Ice

The memory of Robby by now but a dull ache, the next morning finds Jillian and the dudes having champagne breakfast in the dining car. She hands the date card to Kiptyn. It’s for Tanner, Wes, Jesse, Michael, Jake and Kiptyn: “Prepare for rocky romance in the Rocky Mountains.” Reid mockingly groans, “What am I gonna do here by myself all day” but he’s relieved, thrilled and delighted that that last individual date will be his, “If she saved me for last, that must be good.”

Jillian has planned an exciting adventure: they’re all going to strap colorful plastic garbage can lids to their feet and trudge through neck-deep snow to beautiful Emerald Lake. We know this about the lake because a disembodied Darth Vader voice has included it in his regular, and ominous, updates over the train’s public address system. Tanner grabs the red show-shoes because they match Jillian’s red jacket and that gives him an excuse to fiddle with, and rhapsodize about, her regrettably unexposed feet.

Off they go trekking, not so much marching as stumbling through the wintry mess. A sampling of reactions from the dudes is revelatory:
Michael: “Jillian looked so cute in her stinkin’ snow-shoes.”
Kiptyn: “Jillian looked so sexy.”
Jake: “Every direction you look is really a postcard.”

Jillian has the notion that it would be fun to play “hide and seek” out in the open, with nary a good hiding place to be had. Never mind, it gives Jake the excuse to “find” her behind a snow-bank. Ever the gentleman, he settles for a brotherly hug in the snow, until mercifully interrupted by their fellow hikers. When last seen, Jillian is trudging along, carrying Jake on her back.

Meanwhile, back on the train, Reid is wandering the corridors bored to pieces. He decides to chat up a couple of the railway employees and get their dating advice. Hey, don’t knock it; these are trained professionals. He consults a lady in the dining car about wearing glasses on his upcoming date. She advises against it. (Idiot woman.) A gentleman in another part of the train counsels Reid to pour his heart out, because how else will the girl know how he feels.

Finally, our troupe of wanderers has reached the lodge. Jill observes, “This is the money spot here. There are six guys here, who I think are all wonderful people. Giving out the date rose to someone tonight means I’ll be going home to meet their family.” Awesome logic, Jill.

We find Jillian and Jake huddled by an outdoor fireplace. Jake has some important things to say because since their one on one date they haven’t really had a chance to talk. “You know, Jillian, you’re just like my mom; you’re just so nurturing.” Major buzz kill that one Jake: you might want to take some notes from Kiptyn. Or the train employees. Anybody. Never ever ever tell a girl she reminds you of somebody over forty, particularly your mother. Michael and the guys decide to break up the love-birds. Jake confides to the camera: “I’m ashamed of myself. I wanted to kiss her and I didn’t. I’m afraid she thinks of me as ultra-safe.” Or worse, dear boy.

Jillian immediately grabs Kiptyn and heads back inside with him. Michael is chagrined: “Here I am, stuck in the cold. With men.”

Kiptyn is not tongue-tied. “I’m gonna be completely honest with you—I like you. When someone shows an interest in me that makes me more interested in them. Sometimes I start questioning things and that makes me step back. In this situation with so many different people it’s a different dynamic. I’m glad for times like these.” Translation: "Don’t feel bad for chasing after me like I was the last guy on earth. I’m used it it. Chicks are always hot for me. And hey, all these other dudes hanging around just bring out my competitive spirit. Keep up the good work—I’m in this for the win.” He moves in for major extended-duration smooch. Kissing technique now improved from duck-lip to platypus-bill. Jillian wants us to know “when Kip and I get together, our bodies get close.” Thanks, hadn’t noticed that.

Everybody’s gathered inside round a roaring fire, but the conversation’s lagging. “So, Jillian” ventures Michael, “what do you wear when you sleep?” I’m yelling at the television, “Stop, Jillian, do not answer that.” Too late. “Well, if it’s a normal night, a tank top and underwear; if I’ve had a couple of drinks, just underwear.” I’m guessing the tank tops rarely need laundering.

Tanner decides this is the perfect opportunity for show and tell about his nightly attire and proceeds to drop his trousers to reveal a pair of white Hanes briefs in the style favored by recently potty-trained toddlers. With his pants around his ankles, he begins a rather unattractive gyration. Jillian pretends to hide her eyes, “I don’t need to see the package, even though it was Huge. I don’t need to see it yet.” (So, this means there will come a time when you will need to see it?) Jesse observes: “It was like a bad train wreck. She couldn’t stop staring.”

Cut to: Jillian and Tanner alone by the fire, where he is making mad passionate love to her foot with the aid of some sort of lotion. He is beyond delirious with joy, “Now that I’ve felt how soft her feet are, I want her to meet my family.” I’m thinking maybe he’s related to Dr. Scholl’s.

We now interrupt this broadcast with another important message from the Yodeler: “I’ve got what I wanted; I’ve got some time on TV."

More special quality time. Languorously stretched out in front of the fire on a rug previously worn by living furry creature are Jillian and the gorgeous one, Jesse. He plays, the “aw shucks, I’m just kind of shy” card: “When I’m alone with you it’s right. When I’m with six other guys I just don’t know what to say.” Jillian is in total sympathy, “When I’m on these group dates I just get caught up in what I’m supposed to say and do.” He reminds her of their perfect date/perfect day and professes his desire to introduce her to his parents. Jill fishes for the compliment, “Do you think they would like me?” He: “Without a doubt. You’re unreal, you know that?” And with that, the smooching commences.

Jillian and Michael are outside, making s’mores over the fire. Another Cub Scout merit badge on its way to completion. Just like the big boys, Michael’s concerned they’ve had little time since their one on one date. Jillian hates to bring it up, but that whole “I want to get married and have babies and you’re barely old enough to shave” thing has been on her mind. Michael’s having none of it, “Jillian, I’m telling you I light up like a light bulb when I’m talking to you. I think my parents and my brother and my dog after they meet you would say ‘If you don’t marry this girl immediately you’re out of the family.’” He had me at the dog.

Inside, the guys are having “sharing time”. Tanner fesses up that he’s the one who started Girlfriend-Gate. “I know you thought it was Juan but it was me. I wasn’t trying to throw anyone under the bus.” Kip challenges him: “So what were you thinking in the rose ceremony, when you wouldn’t name anybody.” Tanner: “I don’t know.”

Wes’s hackles have risen. He growls, “Here’s my deal; I can’t stand a tattletale. I keep other people’s names out of my mouth. I will not run my mouth about anybody else.” Jake sees what we see: “I noticed Wes immediately got defensive.”

As if it suddenly occurred to him, the Yodeler announces, “I’ve already made it six shows now. I sang my song I wrote for her. It’s a no-brainer. I can haul ass or I can stay and try to get the girl.” Both Jesse and Jake tell the camera Wes came for his country music career, not to find true love.” More about which later.

Okay, hot-tub time! What, you thought a whole episode could pass without one? Despite the below-zero ambient temperature, Jillian dons one of her eensy teensy bikini numbers and, carrying the special rose, hops in with the guys. “I’m gonna give this rose to somebody who I’m excited to meet their family.” Another awesome speech. The somebody is Kiptyn, who is also rewarded with a kiss. In front of Tanner and everybody. Glasses clink; booze inhaled. End of date.

Another Day, Another Mountain

Today is, finally, Reid’s. But before we can scoot away, we have to make time for one more soul-baring avowal from Jake, who’s afraid if he doesn’t just put his heart on a platter, he won’t even get a hometown date. He and Jillian are face to face, inches apart physically, miles apart emotionally. He gushes, “It’s kind of a life’s dream to get to meet somebody like you. My high school sweetheart was the last time I felt like this. When I love I love so hard. It hurts so bad. I really like you a lot.” Hopefully high school was the last time he talked like this. Jillian’s response is perfunctory, a version of “Thank you for participating.” Jake wants us to know, “Jillian is definitely who I want to marry.” Awkward.

Just so we know where we are, Darth Vader announces, “Kicking Horse Pass, Lake Louise.” Cue Jillian, glowing in anticipation. “Today I have a date with Reid; we’re going to hit the slopes and have him experience one of my Happy Places. (Insert beribboned bluebird visual.) I’m not sure what him and I have in common.”

Snowboarding at Lake Louise is to be the order of the day. Jillian knows how; Reid does not. We are given to understand that if this were skiing, Reid would be a star, hitting the Double Diamond slopes like an Olympic champion. Snowboarding, um, not so much. This portion of the date consists of Reid falling ignominiously about four dozen dimes in a row, each time exclaiming “Holy Crap” in frustration. Jillian is patronizingly encouraging, telling him that he’s getting the ‘hang of it’ a lot faster than she did. Flat on his back on the slope, Reid sarcastically mocks, “This is getting the hang of it?” Purpose of date: Jillian is able to tell us, “I saw Reid fall head over heels for me several times today. He knew that he sucked and I loved it. He was super humble.” Yeah, yeah, we get it—“falling head over heels”. Almost as good as “being on top of the world.”

Back at the hotel, the guys are having the required discussion of Reid’s chances of getting the date rose. Tanner likes Reid: “he’s neurotic.” Jesse: “Reid can be an annoying guy and just ask a bunch of questions.” Michael is forthright: “I’d rather any one of you guys get the rose than Reid.”

Meanwhile, Jillian and Reid find themselves in something called an “ice lounge” with lots of elaborate ice sculptures and booze. Hard as I try, I can’t help but shiver thinking of those chain saws carving out the ice. They’re sitting face to face on an ice bench, which by the way can’t be exactly comfortable, making goo-goo eyes at one another and discussing having a “normal” relationship. Jillian says she just wants to wake up and feel like it’s Christmas morning every day. Oops. Reid’s Jewish. “But you don’t know what Christmas morning feels like.” Reid: “I know what Christmas morning’s like—I wake up and have no presents.” Score: Reid 1—Jillian nil.

New topic of convo. Jillian: “I’m worried about your ears.” Reid: “Why, are they that red?” Mutual rubbing of ears to increase circulation. Jacket hoods pulled up. Reid: “You know what they say about red ears? It means you’re either horny or have high blood pressure. Jillian: “Really? I’ll have to pay more attention to people’s ears.” Reid (laughing), Mine’s just high blood pressure.” Jillian: “Me too.” Smooching behind jacket hood heard, not shown. Jillian to camera: “Now I just need to take Reid back to the hotel and. . .” I didn’t hear the next part, but I’m sure it wasn’t what you’re thinking. . .

Night. Interior. Hotel. Jillian: “Me and Reid had a great date on the mountain.” We see them ascend the stairs to her suite. They enter. Camera on: rose on table. Reid: “It was intimidating to just go in and there was a rose right there on the table.” Fraidy cat, fraidy cat. And not just of the rose. Reid is terrified of the dinner! “Fondue freaks me. You know I told you I was a little bit of a hypochondriac. Boiling water with raw meat in it—everybody’s just dipping in it.”

Jillian (feigning surprise): “I had no idea that Reid was so neurotic.” She then proceeds to horrify him even more with stories of purchasing raw vegetables and eating them—unwashed! Can this relationship be saved? Okay, maybe we should talk about something else. I know, let’s talk about Jillian.

The world’s most insecure reality TV star ever asks him what he thought when he first saw her, other than, of course, that she was the bachelorette and smokin’ hot and wearin’ a kick-ass dress. He turns the tables, “Well, what did you think of me?” She starts to say that he wasn’t her “usual” type, when he interrupts, “Are you telling me I wasn’t even on the list? Hmm, well, to tell the truth you’re not my type either; I go for blondes.” No, no, really, it was all in good fun. She wants to debate the geographic distance difficulties. He pretty much tells her to “shut up and kiss me.”

Naturally, he gets the rose, even though she thinks that “him and I are different; I think there’s something there that would work. “ As for Reid, well, “when I got the rose I was really relieved. I feel like someday Jillian can be my wife.” Um, okay, she’s not your type but she can be your wife? Color me confused.

Canada, It’s Been Real

Goodness knows where he’s been all this time, but the train pulls in, and here, wearing a bespoke suit more appropriate to Beverly Hills than the Banff train platform is our charming Host. Never mind, he’s glad to see everybody, even though it’s going to be “goodbye forever” for two of the guys. The gents are sent off to clean up for the flower-bestowal and Jillian and her trusty sidekick head inside for a heart to heart. (Dialog exact only as to author’s best recollection.)

Chris: “Heard you got some company to cheer you up after you threw Robby off the train like a sack of flour.” Okay, I added the flour bit. “So tell me about Wes.”

Jillian: “Him and I, we’ve had some good conversations. He’s a Man. He’s a Southern Man.”

Chris (goading): “Yeah, but he’s a musician and there’s that stigma thing, aren’t you worried about that.” (As in, bound to be utterly untrustworthy penniless scumbag).

Jillian (defensive): “Wes, see, he just doesn’t know how to lie.” (Insert load groaning noise.) “He maybe came here with ideas of promoting his music, but he really really really really cares about me. Does so too done it.”

Chris: “Okay, we’ll change the subject. How ‘bout the other guys.”

Jillian: Well, Jake is perfect and don’t you just hate that and Tanner just wants to be my BFF forever and tell me about the other guys and suck my toes and Michael, he’s a good bud, but he’s kind of on the fence tonight.

Chris: “So do you still believe that the man of your dreams is here? The guy who will be your husband?”

Jillian (blushing): “Easy with the H word, there.”

The post office wall of ‘most wanted’ posters has now shrunk to a paltry collection of snapshots clustered on a side table. (Shout-out here to the ABC interns: Great Job guys packing up those Walmart frames and lugging them across the Continental Divide without breaking them. Don’t know how she could have made such good decisions without having those pics to look at once a week.) Gazingly wistfully, Jill admits: “I’m definitely ready to meet these guys’ families, but I’m not ready to break another two hearts.”

Chris has the guys cornered in another room. “Kiptyn, Reid, you already have roses. Two of you will be on a plane back to the states tonight.” That much has to be a relief, anyway—they get sent home on a plane and not tossed off a train or shoved down a mountain or pushed onto a city bus.

Jillian appears, a vision in a very fitted black garbage bag, the skirt of which has been ornamented with liberally applied glitter glue. (Note to ABC wardrobe dept: next time a back zipper on a black dress needs replacing, you might want to go with some color other than silver.) Chris asks “Are you ready?”

Umm, no, our girl needs a little last-minute chat with Michael. Out to the hall we go. “So, Michael,” she asks, “before you came here were you ready for the relationship?” Boy does he have an answer ready for that one, “I just always wanted to be a young dad.” Awesome answer. No really, it is.

While this little discussion is happening, our boys are getting nervous. “Okay,” demands Reid, “who’s got the girlfriend.” Wes turns red, “What are you lookin’ at me for.” Luckily, Jillian and Michael return and the barroom brawl is delayed, if not entirely averted.

Jesse gets the first rose, and okay, betcha didn’t notice, on the way back to his place in line he wipes something off his right cheek. Tear? Jillian’s slobber? Hard to say. Camera on Jake. Wes gets a rose—Kip shrugs, Jake grimaces.

Chris appears: “Gentleman, Jillian, it’s the final rose tonight.” Camera on Jake. Camera still on Jake. Michael gets last one. Chris: “Jake, Tanner, I’m sorry.”

Tanner takes his leave. Jillian tells him she’s sorry and bites her fingernail. Tanner is just “heartbroken. She wouldn’t have let me rub her feet if she was scared off by the foot fetish. I tried to warn her about Wes. BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP.”

Jake looks as if he’s going to cry. There’s a tear in his eye. He drops his chin. He tells the guys bye and goes up to Jillian. He whispers, “What was it? Can you tell me? Tell me quickly.” But, alas, all he gets is her stock reply, “It just felt like it wasn’t right.”

Jake’s exit interview is painful. “I would have liked to have known what it was. I laid down my heart. Golly, the guys she’s got left, she’s got a dangerous guy, she’s got a flimsy guy, she’s got a young guy. Nice guys finish last. That’s been the story of my life. Absolutely blind-sided. I was right there. If Jillian wanted me she could have had me.”

We end with Jillian toasting, “Your families are gonna love me.” If you say so, dear.

Next week: Home Again Home Again Jiggity Jig.

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