DWTS 8 5/5 Results Recap: Bootylicious Bye Bye

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Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here to bring you yet another seemingly endless round of alleged dancing stars and one certifiable dancing famewhore. Tonight we rid ourselves of one more dancer and are one step closer to getting the parade of sequins and spray tans off my television and back onto the street where they belong. If you missed last night’s performance show, MsFroggy has poured her heart and soul unto bringing you every single detail, here.

The show opens with everybody’s favorite famewhore emergency room trafficker, Melissa, and her partner Tony doing repeat of their samba from last night. Wow, I am impressed. The last I heard she was in a coma and close to death – so the fact she is up and walking at all amazes me. Not. Tom Bergeron, my hero, made me laugh with this quip: “A vision in blue and spray tan.”

After the obligatory hour recap of last night’s dancing (that would break down to 57 minutes of Melissa and her injury and 3 minutes of everyone else), we have a the musical guest and it is some guy named Jamie Cullum. I’ve never heard of him and plan in the future to avoid him like the plague as he was just awful. His singing was bad and I am pretty sure it is a crime to stomp a piano keyboard with your dirty shoe. If not, I’m calling my local legislator, because that is just not right. The dancers who did the Quickstep to his signing I commend, because that was most likely as difficult as dancing to fingernails on a chalk board. Though, at least the fingernails on the chalkboard would have been more musical. I can’t pronounce the dancer’s names let alone spell them, but they were lovely.

DanceCenter is next. Now, I freely admit to have never watched this show in any of its previous incarnations, so I have never seen this wondrous thing called DanceCenter. Can I just say – loved it! Kenny Mayne, my man Jerry Rice, and Len (what the?) critiquing the stars and having an argument about %110 vrs %100 – Kenny, you are absolutely right on this one, it is mathematically impossible to have more than %100. They talk about the Tybot, Lil Kim’s ass-ets and the fact the Shawn is lil’er than Kim. I must say, I never knew two guys to pull off the sparklies quite as well as these guys. Very shiny.

And our first safe couple of the night: Gilles and Cheryl!

Back to DanceCenter – they talk about Melissa and her use of denim. Dang them for pushing her butt crack into my field of vision once more! I am rethinking her winning the show though – she could use the money to buy some clothing that fit. Kenny says that all Gilles is good for is ripping off his shirt and we are all treated to a shot of the three ‘anchors’ sans shirts. Nice tat and chain, Len.

Macy’s Stars of Dance are back and this time they are actually dancing on and around a star. Marty Kudelka and Dee Caspary troupe dances all about this giant metal star that is up on a raised platform. Between the lighting and the vertical movement, it is a very dynamic piece.

And here we are to the pro competition. We are down to three and I am thrilled to see my girl Anna still in it. First up, though is Afton DelGrosso who is paired with Cody Linley. She has the daunting task of teaching him the samba. He dances like a potato chip, but it seems passable. Afton seems to know the right things to shake, anyway. All the judges loved Afton and her teaching style – yada yada yada.

And now for the nadir of my night: We are stuck with Melissa and Tony for another frickin’ week. Sheesh.

Mayo Alanen is paired up with the perpetually overtanned and botoxed Lisa Rhinna. She does have an incredible body and seems to know what to do with it as they dance. They have a rather Mutt and Jeff look to them, though, as Mayo is about 9 inches taller than Lisa. The judges thought they lost it a bit, but over all loved it – yada yada yada.

The final pro tonight is the lovely Anna Demidova (call me!) dancing the tango with Maurice Greene. Maurice said he wanted to see how she did at teaching so he picked a dance he had never done before. They did a lovely tango and the judges thought it was the best of the night. I loved them, yada yada yada. The next week the pro’s will have to choreograph both a latin dance and a ballroom dance. Vote Anna and vote often!

And more results: Shawn and Mark are safe.

That leaves Ty the Cowboy and Lil Kim the ex-Con in the bottom two. I am sure that this is just a stunt and that we will be bidding adios to the bull rider so I am totally shocked when Tom informs me that it is Ty and Chelsie who will be moving on. Holy Srap! Lil Kim lost to the Tybot? That’s just not right. I quite enjoyed her and she seemed to honestly love being there and I never once saw a pouty lower lip from her, and for that I am forever grateful (Take notes, Melissa!). Tom tells her that he loved watching her dance, and he seemed to really mean it. Goodbye, Lil Kim.

And that’s the show folks. Stay tuned next week when we get to be rid of another one of these alleged dancers….

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