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Thrills and chills! It’s the most suspenseful results show ever! What with Misty May’s getting bit in the proverbial Achilles heel, everybody kind of sucking except Brooke and Warren, and Cloris still inexplicably a part of the show, well who can tell what those sly producers have in store for us in the way of results this week?

Okay, okay, so maybe the results aren’t so much suspenseful as inevitable, but they just keep that carrot dangling all night long, and it’s all I’ve got. I can’t very well interest you in a recap of stuff you see coming a mile away, can I? (Or can I? Because I also have some awesome tips for sale about the ending of The Sixth Sense and what the showcase prizes will be on The Price is Right. Just let me know if you’re interested.)

Rehash and Dash

Anyway, Tom and Jerry Samantha are super excited because Jennifer Hudson’s in the house. I’m super excited because it’s not Jessica Simpson. We dip right into the recap clip of Jive/V Waltz week -- Warren continuing to surprise everyone just by being able to lift his legs; Brooke and Derek continuing to dazzle, Cloris continuing to puzzle, and everyone else continuing to blend together into irrelevance. If you want real details, MsFroggy’s recap is the place to be.

Meanwhile, because the producers know it’s no good when two perennially loved pros exit the show close together, here are Maks and Edyta to perform the jive he would’ve done last night with Misty. Looking like “Nick and Norah Go to the Malt Shoppe,” Maks and Edyta jump and jive around to a very frenetic song I’m glad I don’t know. They look like professional dancers, though, right down to Maks’s yellow socks. Also of note: Edyta’s oh so very period leg warmers.

Get Down, Get Down

So you know, Cloris is still bringing up the rear in the standings, while Warren and Kym and Brooke and Derek keep their places as top two. Everyone else tries to pretend to be satisfied with their mediocre numbers, but that’s not that interesting. I want the raw anger. Where’s the fatwa on Carrie Ann’s lift-busting head?

Drama awaits us not with the first round of results: Brooke and Derek are the first to be declared safe, and then “Clorky,” as Tom dubs them, get their reprieve. No one is shocked.

But, I am shocked to be able to report that Kool & the Gang are still some spry looking guys. They’re our first musical guest tonight. They jam through “Jungle Boogie,” “Ladies’ Night,” and “Celebration” while a troupe of ladies in gold sequined fringe dance the hustle with guys in black sateen. I may or may not have been jungle boogieing in front of the TV.

A Completely Necessary Ten Minutes: DO NOT MISS!

Time for Filler Package Number One! All about how life skills help the stars with their dancing. Warren’s confidence lets him feel like a winner at all times. Cloris says her “sense of play” keeps her in the game. Cody’s love of music gets him feeling like a dancer. Toni’s experiences on Broadway have strengthened her professionalism. Maurice’s fun loving old man in the club days help him, and Brooke’s many years as a multitasking working mother help her pick things up quickly. Lance says his rebel-ness makes him a spectacle out on the dance floor. Rocco of course is a chef, and Susan’s decades of pilates dedication keeps her limber. Wow. That was exhilarating, wasn’t it? I’m glad I know these things about them all.

Also, Maurice and Cheryl are safe. High five to them. Hard Hitting Backstage Reporter Samantha has corralled all the safe kids backstage. She talks with Brooke and Derek about their mind-blowing success and how easy they now obviously have it, since whoever’s on top in week 3 automatically wins, or whatever. Brooke curbs that idiocy with self-effacing ease and implores everyone to continue voting for them. Then we hear from Cloris, who ends up rambling like an old eugenics textbook about how her blue eyes mean she isn’t as good as brown-eyed Brooke. Oh, lady. I wish I could have you at my Thanksgiving table. Or answering my door on Halloween. Whichever. Maurice and Cheryl say something non-confrontational and uninteresting about hoping they continue to do well. I wish Kool would come back with his Gang.

Kicking It Old School

But no! Here now are the Rockettes, bringing our fringe count up to like a million for the evening, and showing off their hip joints in classic Rockette style, and all to that big band swing. I half expect The Andrews Sisters to come bursting out of the floor and complete the 1943 feeling, but alas I am left unsated.

Next up to fill the hour is Jennifer Hudson, singing her very retro-feeling single “Spotlight,” while Julianne and Derek do some high-speed cha cha-ing to accompany her. I love Jennifer Hudson’s voice. Julianne doing a table dance for Len in her dancy bikini? I don’t love that so much.

Would You Believe?

Filler Package B now. Random, unaffiliated choreographers talking about how much they love the choreography on the show. Making beginners look like real dancers is apparently hard, who knew? Everyone loves Julianne. Also they give cursory mentions to all of the other choreographers so they don’t feel like they have to sit in the garden eating worms.

Confession: I fast-forwarded right on through the segment dealing with on-set injuries, because ew. I have the pain-tolerance of a 4 day old flea. Warren and Kym are safe though, which is awesome because this is like the longest I’ve seen Kym last and she seems like such a sweetheart. I’m also glad to see Toni and Alec are also through to the next week. I know, I know, so is everyone else, but we’re not supposed to know that yet, all right?

Backstage with the newest batch of safety dwellers, Samantha draws more platitudes from them all, about hard work and getting better in the weeks to come.

But … who will miss out on that chance to improve as we go on? The answer ... to that question is … no one! They will all get another chance as no one will be eliminated tonight. Surprise! Not even Hitchcock himself could deliver a twist like that one, I know. I’ll give you a couple of seconds to pick your jaws up off the floor and talk your loved ones back inside off the window ledges.

Now that we’re all sufficiently recovered, Tom lets us know that the show is pulling an “Idol Gives Back,” and will be adding this week’s votes and scores to next week’s votes and scores to determine who will go home. That should make everyone happy; I like how they’re not even bothering to look tense in the spotlight of bottom dwelling. Except Rocco and Karina, who already know they would’ve been eliminated tonight, so it’s no big deal when Tom announces it. I like their awareness; clearly they’re okay with the fact that they aren’t long for the show. I mean at this point, everyone has to know they’re just speed bumps on Cloris’s road to the mirror ball, right? I think more of our couples should accept that.

Anyone and everyone who correctly guessed that this week would be elimination free wins a copy of our home game, complete with new Build-Your-Own Costume Creator™ and 42 different shades of sequins. Judges sold separately. To collect your prize, contact me here.