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I was going to start this recap by reminiscing fondly about the dear departed couple from last week. That was until I realized I can't remember who got booted last Tuesday and I even recapped that episode. Now this may be a case of selective amnesia of some kind on my part or maybe that D-lister was just not memorable enough. They rarely are. I'm not even going to bother looking it up. In any case, the good fight in the war to resuscitate somebody's dying career by infusing it with a shiny mirror ball trophy continues with another excruciating installment. Who will moan loudest and trip over their own feet in this episode? Who won't? There's a lot of cheap cheese to process so let's get on with it.
Tonight we'll get to see the Viennese Waltz and the Jive. Yay. This means Cloris might be hopping like around like a demented geriatric bunny. Can't wait for that. The stars line up as usual, minus Misty and Maks, and we are told the bad news that Misty was injured during rehearsal on Friday and will not be dancing. More on that later. Meanwhile we have some dancing business to attend to. Tonight everyone has a gimmick, a field trip, a snazzy way to rehearse which means the filler is at an all-time high.
First up tonight is Susan Lucci who scored with the Rumba last week but is facing the tougher Jive this time around. All that high kicking is messing with Susan's mind a bit and she needs to get in the groove if they're to succeed, so Tony “arranges” for some NYC Rockettes to land a helping kick by demonstrating proper technique to Susan. While I see some semi-decent kicking and flicking action from Susan during their routine, her footwork is mostly uncoordinated, hesitant and slow. Not exactly a high octane Jive. Len mumbles something about having kept up a standard, Bruno commends her on her Jive look but says her ankle injury showed in her footwork. Carrie thought she seemed timid. Their scores are all 7s for a total of 21 points.
Have you heard that Lacey is a rebel? If the studded leather cuffs, pink highlights and ripped clothes didn't clue you in, Tom is here to remind everyone that Lacey eschews “typical Ballroom technique” in favor of, I guess, atypical Ballroom technique. But the rebel wants to go traditional this time with the Viennese Waltz because, really, is there any other way to go and still call it a Waltz? She decides to put their routine to the test by visiting a senior living facility to get the proper perspective. After some excellent advice from the grandmothers, mostly about toning down Lance's gel-happy hairdo, they're ready to face the Waltz. The rebels manage to score a decent routine although it's hardly a Waltz. Aside from some gliding, the number consists mostly of Rumba-like imitations of sexual tension, overly dramatic posturing and little else. Bruno felt it was labored and lacking in sparkle, Carrie thought it was fantastic while Len saw flat feet, bad posture but good musicality. He still felt it was their best dance. They manage to score 8-7-7 for a total of 22 points.
Polishing the hardwood floor
Seems that Maurice's performance lacked some refinement last week so the Jive is his chance to kick it up a notch. Problem is Maurice can't get the footwork going and is frustrated. But help is on the way! Cheryl puts him through a tough round of tire drills, jump ropes and even some Double Dutch. They put on an entertaining Jive to Rock around the clock and I'd love to tell you how Maurice did by I was distracted by Cheryl's footwork and shiny blue heels which were both excellent. They end frenetically with Maurice running to sit on the judges' table then sliding back to Cheryl so they can both lie down on the floor in a totally unnecessary way. At least the shiny parquet floor is now completely dust-free. Carrie loved the full throttle excitement, Len thought it was their best dance and Bruno praises their energy and execution. The scores are decent at 8s all around for a total of 24 points.
Blinded by the music
Still with me? We're now on to Rocco who was deemed to be less than musical last week. Since going to an old folks' home has been done already, Karina must come up with a different time-wasting gimmick. She decides to blindfold Rocco because it's so much easier to learn something when you can't see what you're supposed to do! She calls it “sharpening his senses”. I call it a big yawn. They go through every style of dance till Rocco feels loose enough and develops an unnatural attachment to his blindfold. Wearing a horrendous white ruffled 70s style suit next to Karina's hot pink dress they Waltz to that timeless musical insult called What's new pussycat. It would have been lovely had I not felt the urge to rip my eyeballs out of their sockets while watching them. I guess that's not exactly the reaction they were going for. And what's with everybody slithering up to the judges' table at the end of their routines? Karina planted a kiss on Bruno and Rocco put a cheesy glammed-up pair of glasses on Len. Len didn't mind it and even saw a fleckle. Bruno thinks he would've done better with the blindfold on. Carrie terms him the most improved and she liked his puppy dog quality. They get 7-7-6 for a total of 20 points.
Bull on parade
Riding high on last week's Matrix-ish extravaganza, Warren is looking for more glory. Kym wants them to get romantic for the Waltz and looks like Warren is on board to pack some finesse and charm into his solid defensive tackle shoulders. Kym thinks women will be jealous watching her dance with the 300lb guy come show time. Dressed in light pink and brown they deliver a decent, flowing Waltz that relies heavily on Kym's flowy dress and lovely form, however Warren acquits himself decently as well. Bruno calls it “big, smooth and beautiful”. He feels Warren got the character of the dance very well. Carrie was blown away – isn't she at least ten times a season though? She felt he got it right. Len feared he might have stumbled in the Waltz but he was pleasantly surprised. They earn 9-8-8 for a total of 25 points, putting them in the lead so far tonight.
It seems that Cody has been facing harsh accusations of underage dancing every week so far. Although he claims he wants to grow up, their week is divided between going to Disneyland for that Miley Cyrus chick's birthday bash and rehearsing for the bouncy Jive. Cody is excited to tap into his youthful energies and wants to scare the old folks into “running for the hills”. That's extremely ageist of him. Everybody knows that Cloris can't run. Kicking it off with some eye-catching acrobatics, Cody and Julianne slide into their Jive set to some country song. Julianne is wearing a scary outfit made up entirely of black fringe coupled with a short platinum wig. It also looks like she inherited Edyta's entire stash of body glitter and she might be wearing all of it on her legs tonight. All in all it's an energetic routine and since they resist the urge to get anywhere near the judges' table, I'm going to term it a success. That's my new standard, and it's very, very low. Carrie liked the energy but didn't like Cody mouthing the count the whole time. Len liked the first half but didn't care for all the repetition in the second half. Bruno agrees with Len. The universe is still here but their scores are out to send a message to the teenybopper. It's all 7s for a total of 21 points.
Let them eat that!
Don't worry, there are only 27 couples left to dance. There's an end in sight!
Toni was apprehended by the illegal lift police during last week's routine and put on probation by Carrie. This week, she vows to do better and she says the Vietnamese Waltz is too polite and needs a bit more meanness. Alec says it's a Viennese Waltz but agrees that they need to add something to it so they can stand out from the pack. They practice handstands and leg lifts – not exactly Waltzy stuff – but Toni has trouble with all the stunts saying she was the least athletic girl in school. After all this workout, I'm expecting them to come out dressed in sweats and running shoes, instead Toni is wearing a full Marie Antoinette costume, wig and all, and Alec is sporting dove gray tails. What, no tights, knee breeches and red-heeled buckle shoes? Adding to the confusion is their music, which is none other than a rock infused Muzak version of Für Elise. If that weren't enough to give me a headache, the whole dance looks excruciatingly uncomfortable and wooden. There was a reason the Minuet was danced when birdcage hoops were in vogue: you had more space to for your gigantic hips so they didn't hit your neighbors in the ass when you turned! Len abhorred the gimmick and didn't like it. Bruno thought she took a risk that didn't quite pay off. Carrie liked it, but then Carrie likes everything Len and Bruno hate. The scores are 8-7-7 for a total of 22 points.
Adding insult to insult
Continuing the time-honored tradition of talentless jokes who are propped up by largely blind and tone deaf fan bases – or just advanced by producers, take your pick - Cloris has survived three eliminations so far and I don't see her going anytime soon, unless it's to Walgreens for support hose and arthritis medication. Corky is worried this week because, guess what, Jiving is no easy task. A good hop and bounce can mean hip replacement and and knee surgery quicker than you can say Geritol. He wants to pump up Cloris' stamina so she'd be able to lift her arms past her shoulders and they even attempt a cartwheel. He finally decides to just forget about technique and go for the
horrified laughsentertainment. To this end, Cloris is wearing a hot pink 50s style dress and flats with white socks to Corky's hot pink jacket and white pants. No so bad, right? Well, that's where the normalcy ends. They put on a number that's kind of like a 1920s circus side show crossed with a school dance straight out of a bad B-movie parody complete with Corky flinging Cloris' wig across the floor leaving her looking like a scary bald chicken. The whole dance consists of Cloris flailing about the floor as if high on prune juice and LSD. It all makes me wish I had some heavy tranquilizers to dull the pain of this terrible spectacle. At the end, Cloris just can't let go and she prances around the floor by herself, waving to her screeching fans like a demented primadonna. Bruno is speechless, saying the whole thing was “beyond comprehension”. Carrie saw crazy Cloris who had no technique but had charisma. Len can't even get in a critique as Cloris keeps interrupting and hogging the airtime. They earn 6-5-5 for a total of 16 points, amid loud audience jeers. I hope they were jeering because the scores were too high.
Finally, last to dance are Brooke and Derek. Derek wants to make sure they stay on top this week so he's planning on a more difficult choreography. However, Brooke has trouble remembering the routine and they clash often over her “lazy mind” and their inability to communicate. Insults fly back and forth between them and Brooke finally just walks away until Derek apologizes and they get back on track. You'd think these two will never pull off another decent dance but of course it's all mostly drama. Brooke is quite good even if she has trouble focusing. Their Viennese Waltz is classic and pretty although Brooke could do with a bit less stiffness. They end with Brooke gliding over to kiss one of her daughters, charming the audience. Anything is better than propping your butt up on the judges' table for no good reason. Carrie says Brooke is her favorite, Len terms it the best dance of the season so far and Bruno feels it was “dazzlingly beautiful”. They earn 9-10-9 for a total of 28 points. Yay! We have the first 10 of the season and now I guess we know who Len likes best.
A sad coda
For the grand finale, Host Tom is finally bringing out the big news that has been teased all evening regarding Misty May Treanor's injury. Misty hobbles in on crutches wearing a knee-high cast on her left leg but still manages to look radiant in a short black dress. They show footage of her injury which came while she was doing a fairly simple move. It turns out she has a ruptured Achilles' tendon which will require surgery, therefore she is out of the competition. Aww, that's too bad! Misty had great potential and with Maks as her partner could've gone far. Now no more Misty and no more Maks either. I'm thinking they should bring in Kerry Walsh to replace her so we can keep Maks at least. When Maks comes out to talk about Misty, he tears up a bit as they vow to not only remain friends but come back at some future time and do the Jive on the show. A quick montage of Misty and Maks' biggest hits follows capping off the evening.
Be here next week when there will be more
baddancing and even more fluff. Hopefully somebody deserving will be bounced soon – yeah, I'm looking at you Cloris – so we can dispense with the jokes and get to the actual competition. MotherSister will bring you all the Tuesday results action, making it possible for you to skip the show and go rearrange your sock drawer or something.
I'm offering free, completely unprofessional PM based therapy for those of you who need to deal with Maks' unfortunate departure from the show.