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After successfully getting past a monster of an opening week of dancing with minimal bloodshed, it looks like the show has now settled into a comfortable routine of horrendously overstuffed show nights that seem to go on forever and ever, followed by results shows that practically dare you to poke your eyes out with a knitting needle... right after banging your head against the wall. Repeatedly. Which is why I consider the selfless recapping work of myself and MotherSister to be akin to saving baby seals from the cruel jaws of bloodthirsty predators.
I would like my medal delivered in a velvet lined box no later than the weekend following the finale show of DWTS. Thank you.
Standing in our way is one hefty recap
Eleven couples are still in the running, but we're getting rid of one of them tonight, which is the good news. The bad news is that there's a lot of cheese and fluff standing in our way. Sidekick Samantha delivers the first blow by announcing that Jessica Simpson will be singing on the show before we can get to the good stuff. But before we can get to the filler we need to suffer through a recap of Monday night's action. I'm not going to bother recapping the recap, especially after MotherSister already did such a good job of preparing that poisonous blowfish for human consumption. Go read it if you haven't already.
With fully 4 minutes of show time thus covered, Len picks Warren and Kym's Paso Doble for the encore. I'm reasonably happy since I
didn't botherforgot to watch Monday night's extravaganza. Haven't we seen those shiny black rubber costumes before though? I could swear somebody wore these exact outfits, or very similar ones, for a Paso Doble in a previous season but I'm drawing a blank. PM me if you know. The dance itself is decent but seems short and they're behind the music the whole time. They mess up the ending as well which is unnecessarily fussy with Kym laid out on the floor and Warren weirdly fumbling around with his cape above her. Was this the best they had Monday night? Boy, am I glad I skipped it then.
Despite the fact that I'm not impressed, Warren and Kym are at the top of the leader board, along with Brooke and Derek, while Rocco and Karina and Cloris and Corky are at the bottom. The elimination starts with the first two safe couples. They are Tony and Alec and Rocco and Karina. Hey, this is moving along nicely! Of course we have those pesky guests to get through but there's this clever invention called a fast forward button...
Some thick musical padding
First guest called upon to fill up some time is Jessica Simpson. I'm expecting some cheesy ballad with overwrought vocals that would make alley cats howl in pain, instead she sings country. Country? Granted I'm not quite up on Simpson's career but whatever happened to the pop fluff she used to belt out while she was still with that guy from that boy band? Then I remember that I've read an article somewhere – must have been Entertainment Weekly – in which they talked about her declining sales and how she, among some others like Jewel, switched genres to stay afloat. Eh. A couple of pros try to liven up the bland performance in which Jessica, wearing a black dress that barely covers her ass, stands almost completely motionless while she's squeaking out some inane lyrics like “Come on over, I need you now”. Dancing sure hit this one out of the fluff ballpark.
Before we can move on to even more filler cheese, Cody and Julianne and Brooke and Derek are also announced safe. But there's no time to waste as Host Tom declares that this season's first Macy's sponsored dance number is ready to hit the dance floor. After some commercials for Mastercard, Target and American Express of course. Just what we need! More credit that we can squander on junk we don't need.
One hard labor break
But enough of sad, depressing realities, it's time to forget our troubles and turn to more pressing matters such as finding out about the inhumane working conditions of our judges. Turns out Len and Bruno are forced to commute between the LA set of the show and London where they're judges on the British version of the show. Their grueling schedule of two shows per week on each side of the Atlantic means they hop on airplanes every Tuesday night to London to judge the show there right after they finish taping in the US. Looks like the UK version has 14 couples left in competition, after some eliminations I presume, which is, quite frankly alarming, because it means that our own Dancing show is working it's way up to that number. I predict fully six hour shows by the end of the decade with shows delivered 24 hours a day 7 days a week straight to our cerebral cortex by the year 2025. Bruno looks at all of it as an Olympic event, Len just operates on his own time and they both bond with each other over an insane schedule that no other mortal can comprehend.
Two layers of extra thick fluff
After this cutesy aside, we're on to the serious business of more filler, which is what this show is really all about. The Macy's dance number is up and looks like some chick from the Pussycat Dolls is in it along with the girl who was in Step Up. They're all wearing mostly black with glow-in-the-dark accents that make them look like radioactive visitors from another planet. There's some clever play with neon lights, ribbons and spotlights but the whole performance is conducted in the dark. I'm sure the choreography was great, too bad I couldn't see it. And where was that girl from Step Up? I couldn't see her in the dark either. Not that it matters, another five minutes have passed and hopefully we're closer to wrapping this puppy up sometime this week.
Not so fast! Jessica wants to sing again and this time it's a ballad called “Angels” which she delivers in her customary breathy style while French kissing her microphone. Later she gets a bit angrier and starts screaming loudly about “loving angels instead”. I can see why she switched to country. This crap can get old very fast. The whole sorry mess is saved by Maks and Cheryl's dance number which delivers where Jessica's glory notes just make me want to puncture my ear drums with the aforementioned knitting needles.
And finally we're getting to the soft cheesy core
Did you ever have a burning desire to find out what happens after the stars get judged out on the floor? Who cares? Samantha is telling us anyway. Seems there's a back room where all the nervousing goes down before they go on to perform and all the whining and gloating happens right after couples finish their dances. Fascinating.
Warren and Kym are safe, as are Maurice and Cheryl while four more couples are sweating bullets contemplating their fate. After a hefty commercial break we're back to find out that Lance and Lacey and Misty and Maks are also safe, leaving Cloris and Corky and Kim and Mark in the bottom two. This means that father and son are dramatically pitted against one another and I have a very bad feeling that I was right about Cloris. Indeed, I am a seer of the future! Cloris is safe and Kim and Mark are out of the show. Damn. There go all my carefully prepared big booty jokes.
I'm not even going to tell you the spectacle Cloris made of herself feigning weak legs in order to be supported by Corky and making strange faces toward the camera. I don't want to spoil your day after all.
Be back here next week when we have more syrupy goodness where all this came from. There will be some dancing, lots of extraneous stuff and silly banter and a ton of sequins per every square inch of barely covered skin. And that's just on Karina.
PS. Send me some cheese!