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We've been gifted with an embarrassment of riches this week in the form not one, not two but three episodes of pure, unadulterated cheese, er, I mean Dancing. While three nights of show is a great step forward towards total world domination, I'm a bit mystified by ABC's decision to exercise restraint. The whole week was their oyster, yet they chose to indulge us only three times. It's a shame really that we couldn't be lulled into a coma every night of the week while staring at Cloris Leachman's scary cleavage or Kim Kardashian's sizable ass. To add insult to painful injury, this third night is only a one hour show. I guess they must have run out of filler. But enough of that, we have another celeb to kick back into obscurity and nobody's getting any younger. Onward!
This is not so bad after all.
It seems on Tuesday night Edyta and her partner, the comedian guy whose name I can't recall, got kicked to the curb. See! I was right. The bright side is that Edyta won't have to suffer with a bad partner all season. The dark side is that Cloris is still on the show. I'm trying to think whether Cloris manufactures any ugly, kitschy dolls in her spare time, 'cause in that case she might be here till the final three. Those doll people apparently block vote like nobody's business.
Because this is a night in which all the action consists of about 30 seconds right at the end, we have a whole wide stretch of about 55 minutes and 30 seconds to slog through. ABC helpfully fills the void with as much fat as they can between commercials. Some fat, like the opening number is actually good for you. The pros, clad all in black, put on a great, enjoyable routine to Under Pressure. I'd like to tell you how they all did individually, but I'm afraid I was staring at Maks the whole time and really can't remember much of it. But it was great! The audience liked it as well, judging by their loud screams.
It can only be downhill from here, and it is. A hefty recap of Tuesday night's action follows in which we find out that Toni was effervescent, Warren was super sized, Lanced punked up the Quickstep while Todd toiled hard on the dance floor. Misty “powered up the Mambo” landing her and the MaksMan in the middle of the pack alongside Maurice “the worm” and Rocco “the Italian stalion”. Susan Lucci was not blown away by a strong wind, instead she blew away the crowd with a hopping Quickstep. Others made even bigger strides. Cody Linley apparently became a man on Tuesday night, which makes me quite grateful that I had better things to do than watch the show.
While the middle of the pack swelled, some bottom dwellers resorted to desperate acts. Cloris, seemingly not confident in her own abilities, bribed the judges at the end of her routine even as Kim tried to shake her big butt. But it looks like no talent cannot lie. But the night belonged to Brook who brought it in the Quickstep, wowing the judges. For a full account of all the hoopla I recommend MotherSister's snappy recap which delivers all the goods and none of the fat. Read it, it's good for you!
I take it back; it's starting to be bad.
Since the recap managed to kill only about five minutes of show time, Host Tom and his sidekick Samantha are forced to read more cue cards. Cloris is ranked dead last with 16 points while Brooke leads the pack with 26 points. The middle ground is very crowded, with some couples tied. Somebody is going home tonight, but it won't be Brooke and Derek, because they're safe. Also safe are Kim and Mark.
What would a results night be without some completely unrelated and superfluous musical appearances by “stars” nobody wants to see? The honor of first guest this season goes to those squeaky clean, virginity advocates, The Jonas Brothers. If you've never heard of them, I must say I envy you. But before we can get to hear one of their squeaky clean songs full of sweet nonsensical lyrics, it looks like Edyta and Jeff are given a chance to dance the Quickstep they would've danced had they not been unceremoniously dumped from the show. I sure hope this doesn't become a tradition, bringing back the dearly departed could get real annoying real fast. Their Quickstep is not horrible, not good, but passable, but then the Quickstep is a showy but relatively easy dance to master that is beginner friendly the the way, say, the Foxtrot really isn't.
Can it get worse than this?
Having never recapped the results show before, I suddenly realize that there is a lot of meaningless chatter that goes on, including backstage exchanges between Samantha and the frontrunners and Samantha and Kim the Booty, the latter of whom vows to bring out her inner Jlo next week. Oy. However this is all just anesthesia before the big shock treatment which comes in the form of Tom's announcement that Cloris and Corky are safe. Rats. I wonder what body part she'll put up on Bruno's table next week. Not that I want to see it.
To soften the blow of Cloris' non-elimination, or twist the knife some more, depending on your perspective, next up to perform is Jesse McCartney. Samantha says that he's singing a song that has been on top of the charts for weeks. There's no accounting for taste. While I muted the sound on the masterpiece itself, I did enjoy seeing pros Ashley Delgrosso Costa and her partner whose name I didn't catch. While this was filler that I only half minded, the next segment featuring Adam Corolla interviewing people on the street about the current season, was only mildly funny. Various passers by are quizzed on their favorite contestant, their opinion on the judges and who might be leaving from the show. We found out absolutely nothing noteworthy but the show did manage to waste another few minutes of precious advertiser supported ABC airtime. Baby steps, baby steps.
Back in the ballroom, two more couples get quickly saved, and they are Maurice and Cheryl and somebody else whose identity is kept secret until the Jonas Brothers can do their thing. Oh, joy. Suddenly the audience seems inundated with screaming teenage girls. Meanwhile the brothers are singing something about a love bug and one of them even gets up to line dance with a couple of the pros. It's a strange performance, only possible in the world of make-believe boy bands: the brothers start off sitting on the illuminated stairs, strumming acoustic guitars and singing a capella, but soon they jump up to the stage, the lights go on and a full band appears behind them. Next all of the brothers except the lead singer – who is earnestly trying to inject a rock edge into a syrupy song - have switched to electric guitars, and by now we have about five of them on stage. It's a guitar chorus! I just felt sorry for the pros who had to dance to inane lyrics like “I've been bit by the love bug again”.
Oh, yes it can!
In their quest to find ever more stuff to pad the show, Dancing will allow the pros to put on a dance designed by the audience. Voting has apparently been underway already and the Jive was chose as the style of dance. More voting will follow about the song. Can't wait. The announcement is followed by a montage of the current stars on the show, reciting a laundry list of season seven's attributes: the Oscar winners, the Grammy winners, the Olympians, the oldest contestant, the youngest contestant and so on and so forth. PM me with the details and I'll send you my recipe for banana bread because I fast forwarded through this part. I figured we'll be hearing all about the miraculousness of this season on every episode from now on, so why bother? The taunts fly between the contestants and all of them swear they are not ready to leave and will crush their opponents. Sadly there are no fistfights to report on.
Finally in between more commercials than can be safely viewed without puking and some anemic backstage banter with Samantha, we find out that Misty and Maks, Warren and Cheryl, Susan and Tony, Rocco and Karina are all safe. Crawling up from the bottom four are Lance and Lacey and Cody and Julianne, leaving Toni and Alec and Ted and Inna to go last. We are told that they're not necessarily both in the bottom two. And why not? I think the voters deserve some honesty. Len weighs in and finally Ted and Inna are out of the show. Ted is upset because he wanted to dance more and represent some more for the beer swilling Monday night football contingent. Well that's sad for him, but I'm just happy that I've survived all the filler with most of my braincells still intact.
Next week it's on to the Rumba and the Paso Doble and another D-lister's carreer goes the way of the dinosaurs. MotherSister will be here to delight you with a summary of all the action, hopefully without needing to dip into our vodka reserves too much, and I'll see you here for the next elimination show.
Can you tell the Jonas brothers apart? Why???