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Welcome everybody to Night Two of our Three Night Dancing with the Stars Smorgasbord! We’re at the part of the week where the unbridled feast of cheesy corny sappy goodness should be just settling in and making you slightly queasy. Stick with us all three nights and you’ll be able to boast a well-earned Sequin Hangover by Thursday!

As you may know from reading MsFroggy’s fantabulous recap, last night all thirteen of our “stars” and their professional enablers took the floor. Tonight, only 12 of them will get to dance again, as one couple must face the red light of doom and elimination. You’ll be happy to know that Tom’s voice is as hyperbolic and enthusiastic as ever, as he describes last night as “Grannies Gone Wiiiiild!” and reminds us that we are in fact “LIIIIVE!” Samantha’s here too.

Kooky Partner Is Kooky

We’re jumping right into the dancing, so Tom lets us know that the first safe couple is Lance Bass and Lacey Schwimmer. The two of them stumbled a bit with their cha cha last night, but they’re both determined to make up for it tonight. Their rehearsal mainly consists of Lacey telling Lance to act like a gingerbread man or a dog peeing on a hydrant. But not a gingerbread man peeing on a hydrant, because that would just be strange.

Tonight they have quickstep. Lacey is decked out like a punk prom princess with Lance as her orange man in waiting in a tuxedo shirt and cigarette slacks. Their quickstep is cute and very bouncy, but ultimately not attention grabbing. Due to his days of headlining mall tours and packing tween-filled arenas Lance is an expert at pulling “aren’t I vaguely adorable” faces, so at least that’s awesome. Len and Carrie weren’t really impressed; Len tells them to work on their posture and Carrie thinks there needs to be more technique in their routines. Bruno on the other hand liked their freshness. Hard-hitting Backstage Reporter Samantha asks how it feels for them to know they’re safe and they say it’s great. Scintillating stuff there. Lance and Lacey earn a 7 from Carrie, a 6 from Len, and an 8 from Bruno giving them a total of 21.

Bringing Sexy Back

Misty May and Maks are our second safe duo. They wowed with a foxtrot last night and were pleased with it, but tonight Misty’s going to have to move her hips with the mambo. Cue much footage of Misty struggling to look sexy. Can she do it? After a successful practice she says Maks has taught her how to use her hips like a woman, and I’m sure out there in TV Land, a million women have just fainted where they stood. Misty further says that she’s committed to coming out tonight and shaking what her mama gave her. She’s wearing a costume that I can only describe as “The Rainbow Pineapple,” complete with full feathered head-dress. That says to me that Misty is willing to look mightily silly for this show, and I for one will always reward that with my devotion. Their mambo is pretty good from what I can tell; lots of energy and hips and what more can you ask for? Carrie raves and says Misty’s legs were working it well, but she needs to watch her flailing arms. Len agrees. Bruno says some stuff that may or may not be words, but he was smiling really wide while he said them so I think he liked it. Triple sevens for another 21 for the new M&M. Or MMM. Whichever.

Papa Loves Mambo

Maurice and Cheryl are up now. Last night the judges told Maurice he was too funky for the foxtrot, but since he has mambo tonight, he and Cheryl should be much better off. In rehearsal Cheryl tries to find a way to give Mo a bit more freedom to do his own thing within the bounds of mambo. I can dig it. They come out looking like Solid Gold dancers and launch into a really fun and frenetic mambo wherein Maurice actually dances (okay, it was the Worm, but still) and doesn’t just let Cheryl carry it. Way cool. Bruno loved it and thought it was really energetic; he says it was a little clubby, but he likes clubs. I bet. Watch out boys and girls; it’s Bruno’s turn to Soulja Boy now! Carrie says it was an improvement over yesterday and loved the fun energy of it. Len thinks Maurice will only get better from here on, and then he says something about Free Willy. I don’t know.

Tom points out Helio and Kristy in the audience, woohoo! Also Marissa. Then we go backstage and hear Samantha say something else about whales before asking who they’re most worried about in the comp. Maurice handles that smoothly by saying they’re worried about everyone. Blackjack for them as well.

Chest Exercises

Brooke Burke and Derek Hough coasted to the top of the standings yesterday with a cha cha, but tonight they’re going ballroom with the quickstep. Derek spends most of his time during rehearsal reminding Brooke to keep her jugs off of him; Brooke jokes that she’s never heard that before, and then they get the brainwave of lashing her baby boy to her chest in one of those carrier thingys to remind Brooke that she needs to keep distance in the hold.

Out on the floor tonight they look like Mr. and Mrs. 1942 – him in a white dinner jacket and her in an elegant white and black print dress; they go on to do a lovely, kind of jitterbuggy quickstep that leaves them both panting. Len again says “best dance so far.” Bruno SHOUTS EMOTIONALLY that they were sensational and “pure Hollywood,” whatever that means. Carrie heaps yet more praise upon them, calling them beautiful, and graceful, and special, and wishing they were her parents, etc. They earn 9s from Carrie and Bruno and an 8 from Len for a very promising total of 26 and a well-deserved trip to Frontrunnerville.

Four Score and Two Years of Crazy

Cloris! I understand that she’s polarizing and her antics might get old, but … Phyllis Lindstrom. Frau Blucher? I will be able to say not a word against her, even if she lasts longer here than she should. This has been a warning of the Emergency Fangirl System. *beeeeeeep*

She and Corky draw the mambo this week, and in rehearsal they laugh because Cloris – get this – is older than the mambo! It’s funny, because she’s really old. So, they mambo tonight and it is hilarious. Because there is hardly any mambo about it. There’s a lot of posing and walking and Corky shaking his hips, and at some point they trade turns slapping each other’s backsides. Plus there are some spins at the end. I loved it. Cloris is dressed in gold so they have to make a show of calling her a Golden Girl. Then she says she bribed the judges so it doesn’t matter what they really think, and then they each find ten dollar bills somewhere on their persons and are shocked. Tom quips that he thought Cloris was just paying Len for services rendered, which, pardon me while I purge the contents of my stomach, and also, ha! Let’s finally get to judging: Carrie says something that boils down to Cloris being a winner because she’s hugely entertaining. Len compliments Corky for choreographing around the force of chaos that is Cloris. Corky looks resigned to the truth of that. Bruno begins to babble and Cloris tells him to speak English. He in reply eagerly says, “Shady Pines, Ma!” Which means I must now love him forever and ever and perhaps cook him a meal. I think what I’ll enjoy most about having Cloris on the show is the license she seems to give everyone else to be as zany and off the wall as possible. Scores: 6-5-5 for a total of 16 again. Cloris plays disappointed and calls angrily for her chauffer. Samantha tries in vain to get a real interview out of this, and maybe Samantha finally knows how it feels for people who try to talk to her.

Breathe Again

Toni Braxton has like, eight pounds of hair piled on her head. I just had to point that out. She and Alec are also our next safe couple of the night! Toni has a heart condition of some sort which made it hard for her to cha cha last night, and the quickstep isn’t proving any easier until Alec shares some nifty breathing techniques with her. They do a pretty tame quickstep; it’s abit slow at first and then they add in more of the jumpy steps and turns near the end. Jumpy steps. There’s my dance expertise for you. So Bruno thinks it was light and elegant, and Carrie thinks the two of them have great chemistry together. H2O baby! Len thinks they moved very well but the footwork was off. He also says they had “a bit of a funny head” at some point, which makes Tom laugh because he is twelve, and he is my soul mate. Backstage, Toni and Alec say some vague things about waiting being suspenseful, and Toni gives a shout out to her kids which is pretty adorable. I wish my mama were on Dancing with the Stars. They get an 8 from Carrie Ann, a 7 from Len and an 8 from Bruno for a very respectable total of 23.

Purple Passion

Warren and Kym next. Last night Warren wowed everybody by being surprisingly light on his feet and then speaking of himself as “Big Guy” and “Fat Boy” for no real reason. But tonight’s quickstep is proving more of a challenge as Warren and Kym demonstrate in a downright awkward rehearsal. There is much bleeping of the frustration and lamenting that the quickstep is really just a funny looking dance no matter what. Then, they both come out and do an awesomely light and sparkling quickstep during which Warren has no problem getting off the ground? What? Why, I feel as if I’ve been misled by the editing. I don’t know what to think anymore! Len says they can stand to work more on the technique and footwork, but Bruno and Carrie thought they were very fun to watch. 7-7-8.

The Show-Killer’s Redemption Arc

David Blaine is committing suicide or something tomorrow with a rope and a gun, so tune in to see that or you’ll surely be left out of Thursday’s water cooler chatter.

For now, Ted McGinley is ready to get mambolicious. I don’t think he knows just how sleazy that sounds. Or he might. He was on Married with Children. He and his partner Inna jump right in during rehearsal; Inna says it’s her job to break Ted all the way out of his sloppy mambo habits in order to turn him into a mambo king. Ted’s up for it and they go all round the floor shimmying and twirling, so they ought to be pretty awesome tonight. And to my untrained eyes they do okay. The judges of course have more constructive things to say: Carrie congratulates Ted for his hard work and his enthusiasm, and then says his moves are kind of awkward and over-exaggerated. Len contradicts her and commends him for a very focused job. Bruno agrees with Carrie that he’s trying too hard. He says Ted grabs a mambo with both hands and squeeeezes all the fun out of it – and Bruno was never on Married with Children so there’s no excuse – and then he tells Ted to pay more attention to the music and find the soul of it.

Backstage Ted drops the revelation that it’s awkward and scary to be out there waiting to hear the results, and then says his favorite thing about the mambo is the tight pants and heels. Sweet. He and Inna get 6-6-7 from Carrie, Bruno, and Len for a total score of 19.

Kid Loves

Only five couples left to stand there with pasted on smiles, trying not to lock their knees while the string chords of imminent defeat play and the spotlight wanders. This time it’s Disney Kid Cody and Julianne who get the reprieve. They kid around like two crazy kids, and then mull over their strategy for quickstep like it’s a biology midterm right before the Sadie Hawkins Dance. Julianne says Cody needs to tighten up a bit and be more firm and masculine; Cody says this is impossible because he’s already the most masculine thing on Earth. Their dance is extremely sweet. It must be nice for Julianne to finally have a partner near her own age. Bruno calls them King and Queen of the prom but says they do need to keep working on the technique. Carrie says Cody has gone from a boy to a man. I don’t know if she realizes this is just a dance show? Not a real prom? Len agrees with Bruno that the kids were a bit loosey-goosey flibbertigibbet, but they’ve got potential. The cute kids get an 8 from Carrie, a 7 from Len, and an 8 from Bruno for 23. I couldn’t possibly have used the word “kid” anymore there, kids.

Mambo Italiano

Rocco and Karina somehow made it through the night yesterday. What is this problem everyone has moving their hips? Rocco, have you gone around all your life walking like Irish Step Dancers? Are you Riverdancing down the street? No? Then you can move your hips, dude. Karina gives him a better pep talk than that, and some actual help with the moves, so Rocco promises to come out and give the dance his all.

It ends up being pretty good; Rocco’s hips do indeed move! I might be giving him extra points because he’s so clearly into it, but I always find that really endearing. I like it when they go for it. Plus for some reason he starts out and ends up sitting next to his mother in the audience which is also really cute. As for the judges, Len says there’s no way he could’ve been worse than last night so I guess that’s a thumbs up. Up your nose, that is. Ahaha. Bruno and Carrie both thought it was sexy.

Backstage Rocco jokes that he underwent hip detachment surgery to get ready for tonight. Then he enthusiastically says he thinks everybody should learn to dance, and pitches his platform for universal health care through dance instruction. I would so vote for that. He and Karina get triple 7s for a solid 21, and that’s with Karina’s busted ankle.

Awkward!

La Lucci got ripped last night for being too skinny and too safe, so tonight with the quickstep she’s trying to pick up the pace. I can’t believe how soft spoken Susan is. It’s total cognitive dissonance for me with all the legends of her soap character. Anyway, she and Tony work on dazzling us with the quickstep and getting Susan caught up on the “how to dance” part of the show. Tony reassures her that she’s doing great and making tons of progress. Then they come out and do a kind of classy but mostly bland quickstep. I give them a bonus because Tony’s wearing spats, and God is in the details.

Strained times at the judging when Carrie says they were good but Susan stumbled at the end. She accuses Tony of looking angry because they’ve always got some animosity going, and Tony somehow seems like less of a jerk as he says “Please don’t make it about me.” Carrie goes on to say that they did a good job. Len loved it and thinks Susan is made for ballroom. Bruno agrees with Len and in one breath likens Susan to My Fair Lady, class, and elegance, and then he runs out of similes just in time for me to stay on the right side of consciousness. They get 7-7-8 from Carrie, Len, and Bruno for a total of 22. 150% improved from last night’s score of 15.

Remedial Booty Studies

So now we’ve finally whittled the couples down to the business of elimination. Jeffrey and Edyta and Walking Punchline Kim and Mark are our last couples standing. Jeff and Edyta are quickly dispatched, and they very gracefully depart with Jeffrey saying some very sweet things about Edyta being a sweetheart and then poking fun at his own ungainliness: “I’m more ha ha ha than cha cha cha.” True words, sir. True words. We awkwardly bid them goodbye and wish them well in life while Kim Kardashian and Mark Ballas prepare to try and make us believe that she’s a real human being instead of just a big butt and a sex tape.

It’s not looking good. Their rehearsal footage is just so much smokescreen for shots of Kim’s butt as she tries to “learn” how to shake it. Kim thinks it’s unfortunate that people think of her as this really physically free person (Where in the wide, wide, world of sports would we get that idea?), when that’s just miles away from the truth. She says in fact that to do the mambo well, she’s going to need Booty 101, so Mark tries to show her how to shake it. And then they mambo to “Baby Got Back.” Terribly clever! And terribly sucky; there is about as much mambo here as there was in Cloris and Corky’s routine, only Kim is nowhere near as fun to watch, what with the having no personality and all. Bruno is frustrated because he really wants her to use her “assets,” ah wink-wink; Len says her dancing was weak and forced Mark to overcompensate. Carrie says Kim needs a lot more work, but she thinks Kim is committed. Yeah committed to being on the show maybe. Backstage Kim tries to sell us on her being a shy little snowflake (just thrust out into the big mean world with nothing but her behind to protect her!), and then they get their scores: triple 6s. 6-6-6. Yeah. Perhaps this unholy sign means that Kim’s time on the show will be coming to an end? Let’s all pray.

Meanwhile, we fade out on a brighter note with everyone putting on eye patches to salute Jeffrey and Edyta, who are grooving very adorably to “Never Can Say Goodbye,” and looking like they’re having tons of good-natured fun. Aw. I’ll miss you Edyta! You too, Jeff. You seemed like a good enough guy.

Well, we have one more hurdle this week with the results show; I don’t know if there’s going to be more dancing or more axing, but I do know that MsFroggy will be back around to wrap it all up for you. I wouldn’t miss that for anything. Let the Smorgasbord continue!

The right to dance should be protected for all citizens, and it is the government’s responsibility to make it available to all citizens! I am MotherSister and I approve this message.