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It's Friday morning as I'm writing this, and with Jerry in the final three and given the latest headlines, I can't help but be reminded of a real time, er, game we're facing in which some other white haired septuagenarian is angling to win big. Did you ever think I'd sink so low as to draw a completely unseemly and gratuitous parallel between an elderly presidential candidate and a dumb old man on a reality TV show? Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I would. Apparently, I have no shame. But enough of the cheap shots, of which I could sadly scare up many, we've got some urgent HoH business to attend to.

Seems while I wasn't looking, Dan and Memphis managed to get rid of Keesha and plotted to set up Jerry's exit as well. Will they succeed in producing the only final two in recent Big Brother memory that won't make me retch violently? I sure hope so. Let's find out.

On the Campaign Trail

We're live again with the Chenbot - on this 66th day in the house - as we pick up the action with Part I of the final HoH competition. When we last saw them, Dan, Memphis and Jerry were balancing on the wings of a mock vintage airplane, determined to win this part of the competition. Dan wants it so that's he'd be able to compete in the final part, Jerry wants to win so as to encourage Memphis to take him to the final two and Memphis just wants to stick to the plan. They're blasted by fake rain, cold air and are repeatedly rocked back and forth while they try to balance and stay upright. Meanwhile, Dan is putting on a verbal show for Jerry's benefit, taking Memphis to task about Keesha's eviction. At times he is overdoing it a bit in his eagerness to deceive.

After the eviction, Jerry is glad that Memphis kept his “promise” to him, but for Memphis it was a no-brainer to keep the older and weaker Jerry. For his part, Dan plays the game with Keesha even as she's going out the door by whispering to her about taking Michelle on the trip and asking her to “finish it” for him, meaning to make sure he gets the votes he needs. He is also glad that he threw the veto and managed to get Memphis to do the dirty work of backstabbing Keesha.

While all three have reason to celebrate being in the final three, the Renegades have to be careful; Jerry can't know that they're plotting to leave him out in the cold so they must pretend to be mad at each other in order to lull Jerry into a false sense of security. If he thinks both Dan and Memphis will take him to the F2, he might not try so hard in the competitions. Oh, 'cmon, who in their right mind would not see through that ploy, right? Well, apparently Jerry is just that dumb. In the DR, he talks about how Dan and Memphis “feel betrayed by each other” and that he is hopeful that they'll take him to the F2.

Strategic Planning I: Putting Up a Smokescreen

As the competition wears on, Dan and Memphis continue to put on a show. They trade verbal barbs above Jerry's head, going back and forth about who can balance better, all the while hanging on tight. Jerry enjoys their exchange and knows it's good for him if they keep fighting, mostly because he's the first to fall off his airplane, leaving the other two to battle it out. Of course the plan is to have Memphis fall off next, so that Dan can win the first part of the competition, but as the verbal parrying continues, Memphis keeps hanging on. He wants to make it convincing, so that Jerry won't think he's throwing it but Dan is miffed that Memphis is taking chances by hanging on so long. Eventually Memphis drops, handing Dan the win, and it looks convincing enough that Dan is hopeful Jerry might throw the second part of the competition to Memphis. Completely clueless, Jerry even thanks Memphis for hanging on and apologizes to him for “falling off so quick”. He even says he's enjoying this nice guy side of Memphis that he's never seen before in the house. That's 'cause before they didn't have to pull the wool over your eyes, Jerry!

If only Jerry knew that as soon as he was out of the room, the Renegades were plotting strategy and high- fiving each other behind his back. Dan knows that Memphis has to win the second part of the competition in order for his plan to come to fruition.

Strategic Planning II: Quick Thinking

The action moves right along as we go straight into Part II of the HoH competition. When Dan shows up with two pairs of boxing gloves, Jerry is immediately concerned that he might need to stand in the rink with Memphis and be potentially killed. Would Big Brother he so heartless? I'm sure they would... if they thought they could slip it by network censors. But, alas, it's only a competition where you have to knock off wooden cutouts of evicted houseguests. It's a timed competition, so one of them will be sequestered inside the house while the other is out in the backyard completing the task. Sounds easy enough, right?

The task is set up as a boxing match with ten rounds, and at the end of each round, the HoH and the two final nominees for that week need to be left standing, all other cutouts need to be knocked down before hitting the buzzer. They go back and forth with Memphis up first. Things get hairy around the 4th eviction where Jerry is confused about who was nominated, and he spends a lot of time trying to get it right. Subsequent rounds go just as badly for him, while Memphis looks to be going faster. Nevertheless, Memphis is concerned that he might have been too slow.

Finally, Dan reads the results. Memphis completed his ten rounds in 8'35'' while Jerry took 51'22''. Ouch! Jerry is “ashamed” and disappointed with such an embarrassing finish. Memphis and Dan keep up the facade as they appear to reluctantly shake hands, but inside they meet in the workout room to celebrate. The camera cuts back and forth between the Renegades high-fiving each other, pumping fists and grinning ear to ear, and Jerry stripping down to his tighty-whities. Great, now I need to find a way to disinfect my eyeballs. Shame on BB to think that we needed to see that horrid spectacle! What? Couldn't they have scraped up some footage of Jerry polishing his dentures instead? * Life in the Big Brother house must be excruciatingly dull if the best hey can come up with is a 75 year old in his underwear. Embarrassing indeed.

Talking to the Media

As focus shifts to the next phase of the game, Memphis says he wants to finally win an HoH because he hasn't won one before, while Dan thinks having three HoHs on his resume would carry some weight with the jury. Back in the Living Room, the Chenbot wants to know why Jerry took so long to complete Part II. He jokingly claims his brain got scrambled when he fell in the pool so he got confused. The next question is for Memphis and whether it was difficult for him to choose between “his friends, Jerry and Keesha”. Since when was Jerry Memphis' friend? Maybe I fell asleep and missed some stuff here and there. Actually, I'm sure I did. It has been one of those seasons again, but I digress. Memphis claims it was the hardest decision he made in the game, but it was all business and Keesha “didn't fit in the plan”. Nice going, Memphis, admitting that there was a plan in front of Jerry.
Julie saves her last question for Dan and it's about how the mood changed in the house in the past week. Dan mumbles something about how the money is so close that they can all smell it and it's affecting the mood in the house. No! Really? Yawn.

Winning Over the Electorate

Show of hands, how many of you have missed the losers in the jury house? Yeah, me neither. However, when there's a whole big nothing going on in the actual house, Big Brother usually pads the show with vignettes from loser lodge. Renny hates the jury house, and who can blame her when she has to stay cooped up with the likes of April, Michelle and Libra. Since kicking them in the shins is not an option, they pass the time playing cards and dishing. Most everyone thinks Keesha will be walking in the door next. Michelle is tickled pink that whoever is coming in won't know about her trip to the beach with Dan.

When Keesha walks in the door, April and Michelle look on smugly. April says that Keesha “had done a lot of back stabbing to [her]”. Apparently not enough. As they compare notes, and Keesha reveals that Dan spilled to her about his trip with Michelle, they realize he was playing the game hard and working them over for their votes. They're so smart! April declares that she doesn't like the kind of cockiness that would make either Dan or Memphis think that taking Jerry to the final two would make them win, so she is determined to vote for Jerry if that happens. Renny knew that they boys were going to get rid of Keesha because neither of them could have won against her.

Strategic Planning III: Eliminating the Opposition

Not a moment too soon, we're back with the houseguests and on to the final phase of the HoH competition. Dan and Memphis are seated in the Living Room, separated by a divider. Julie will be asking them to guess the correct ending of statements that the jurors made in the jury house. Each correct answer will net one point. The person with the most points after all the questions, becomes the final HoH:
  • Libra said: “If I could go back in time in this game, I would change, A) my alliance, or B) my behavior in the house.” The correct answer is A. Dan wins a point.
  • April said: “The houseguest who I think coasted under the radar I think is, A) Jerry, or B) Memphis.” Memphis gets it right with B and wins a point.
  • Michelle said: “The best strategic move made in the house was, A) me winning HoH and getting revenge for Jessie, or B) backdooring me.” The both correctly guess B and win a point.
  • Ollie said: “The fatal error that I made in the house was, A) trusting Dan, or B) letting my heart get into the game.” The correct answer is B, which they both get wrong. They're tied at 2 points each.
  • Renny said: “The moment in the house that irritated me the most was, * A) when Jerry took his dentures out and brushed them in the sink, and B) Jessie being a punk and disrespecting me on live TV.” The correct answer is A, which Dan gets correctly.
  • Keesha said: “The most uncomfortable moment in the house was, A) my 30th birthday, or B) the night before my eviction.” The correct answer is B. Dan gets it correctly, becoming the final HoH.
Live Impeachment

With only one thing left to do, Julie calls on Memphis and Jerry to make a final plea. Jerry says that he played the game hard and thinks he is a strong candidate for the final two. He claims he never broke his word except with Brian at the beginning and that was forced upon him. Nice of him to finally admit to lying in the house, but wouldn't the fact that he more or less claims to have played honestly sway the jury in his favor and away from Dan, should he end up in the final two? Perhaps he should have considered a more clever final plea. Memphis talks about the wild ride he's had being put twice on the block by Dan. He then veers off into an ill-advised tangent saying “it's times like this when you can sit and look somebody in the face and find out if they're a true renegade”. Oops! Way to out your alliance, dumbo! Jerry looks a bit perplexed but I'm sure those slow wheels are turning in his head and connecting those dots.

After listening to their final pleas, Dan keeps it short and to the point casting his vote to evict Jerry while complimenting him on his accomplishment, having survived so long in the house at his age. Jerry leaves without much ado as the boys celebrate behind his back.

Every Vote Counts!

In his exit interview, Jerry feels that Dan and Memphis may have planned things this way all along. He then goes on to shamelessly flatter himself saying that he will be the deciding vote in the jury. Forgive me if I tuned him out after this. I'm just happy he's not in the final two, and, yes, this is the first final two I can remember in a long time that is good all around. Whoever wins this one will not be walking away a delusional pariah hated by all. That's more than some of the past winners can say. I won't bore you with the old man's goodbye messages, or his fake act where he squeezed out a tear for his poor wife suffering from Parkinson's whom he abandoned to frolic with people a third his age for a whole summer. I won't insult your intelligence that way.

Before we can slam the door shut on another fairly boring season of Big Brother, America can weigh in one last time with their vote. You hear that America? Don't screw this one up! The fate of our country, and indeed that of the whole world hangs in the balance! Get thee to the polls and vote! Oh, wait... My husband just walked in and he says that this is not that kind of vote. Not yet. This one is only about awarding $25,000 to one of those losers in the jury house. Oops. In that case... vote for Renny!

As we bid adieu to this season, Big Brother is looking to stretch this thing possibly into the next millennium by calling for new idiots to sign up for the show. I have this sinking feeling that they'll be recruiting in nursing homes and psychiatric wards come next season. Where else are they going to find people stupid enough and with enough time on their hands to waste away three months of their lives boring us to death? Hmm?

Tune in next Sunday to see carefully sanitized never-before-seen clips from the show, otherwise known as filler, then next Tuesday for the big finale in which one of the Renegades will walk away the ultimate winner. If that's not tempting enough, and I can sympathize, just catch iguanachocolate and Yardgnome's sure to be funny recaps instead.

Thanks for reading and don't forget to vote!