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It seems my luck is holding. Not only was April dispatched to the jury house, but we've had some crazy times in the BB house this past week, what with Dan's bargain with the big dumb TV lover, Memphis' veto win, Dan's little game of roulette and Michelle's subsequent nomination. And the cherry on top of this particular cake of a week? Two of these idiots will be put out for weekly garbage pick-up and I couldn't be happier. Good times ahead! Read on.
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Someone must be doing something right behind the scenes because the Chenbot looks reasonably human again this week in a head-to-toe black outfit and some movement to her usual helmet of a hair. But enough about the Robotic One's wardrobe, we've got bigger fish to fry. It's day 52 in the house and it seems like just yesterday that the house was teeming with furry little hamsters scurrying about, high on slop and low on brains. While none of them got appreciably smarter as the days wore by, the time is getting nearer when they'll be cannibalizing each other in that time-honored Big Brother way. But maybe not quite yet. With Jerry and Michelle on the block, things are pretty good. Either the disgusting old perv, Jerry, or the frizzy haired delusional whiner, Michelle, will be booted very soon. It's really a win-win situation again.
However before we can get to the good stuff, I have some fun stuff to report. After the Veto Ceremony, things got, shall we say, a bit heated. Lover boy, Ollie, proclaims himself “angry, because Dan didn't follow through with his word” and he disrespected and mocked Ollie. Yes, my fellow rodent fans, you read that right. Ollie seems to have approximately zero functioning braincells but still expects to be “respected”. Dan admits that he wanted to stir the pot with his theatrical move while Jerry talks about how Dan broke his word again. Michelle is incensed, and she says that she knows what's going on and won't be “$$&*@$% played” and she is white hot mad being nominated because of a “$$%^&*$ roulette”. Whine me a river!
As the different house factions disperse to their corners to review their post-ceremony standings, the Michelle/Jerrie/Ollie trio commiserate pitifully and denounce Dan's lying ways. His paranoia at an all time high, Ollie declares in the DR that something is not quite right about Dan, and perhaps he is a plant and “definitely not a regular houseguest”. I agree. Compared to Ollie, Dan is highly irregular in that he seems to exhibit a definite ability for analytical thought and logical reasoning coupled a decided lack of appetite for paranoid conspiracy theories.
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Fueled by anger, the Ollienator springs into action accosting the others in the backyard to tell them “everything”. Lots of yelling ensues as Michelle joins him and they both talk loudly at the same time accusing Dan of being a dirty liar, as the others listen and marvel. Oooh, drama! Keesha is amused by their impotent threatrics and says that she has no reason for complaint, seeing as how she's not on the block. Ding, ding! Michelle yells that Dan is a plant and the football picture in his room is fake. And he is an axe murderer! Okay, she didn't say that but you know she probably thought it.
Determined to make a complete fool of himself, Ollie launches into a detailed account of his “deal” with Dan. He calls it a, get this, “protection package” that consisted of four parts: Ollie not being nominated, Michelle being safe, Memphis being nominated and Ollie picking the replacement nominee in case the Veto is used. I assume parts five and six had to do with Dan surrendering his first born and becoming Ollie's lackey for the rest of his life, but those parts are not mentioned.When Dan decides that he's had enough of this useless posturing and gets up to leave, Ollie protests like a toddler whose toy was taken away and demands that Dan stay around to
be abused a bit morelisten to his accusations. Told you, poor Ollie is not quite there. But Dan confesses that he's done his job by lighting the fuse under the Ollie-bomb and wasn't going to hang round when he went kaboom.
Deprived of his main audience, Ollie rants and raves to the others about how he was calling the shots all week and this was his HoH, dammit and Dan was only supposed to nominate Jerry. Keesha grins widely, Renny looks like she's tuning him out and Memphis is amused as he drops a bomb on Ollie, telling him they – meaning him, Keesha and Renny - knew all along about the last part of the deal that had to do with the replacement nominee. Disarmed, Ollie lamely counters that he just wanted them all to see “what [they] are working with”. Insert hysterical laughter here.
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His backyard display over, Ollie scurries up to the HoH to confront Dan. He lamely demands to know why he was played. I demand to know why Big Brother keeps casting stupid people, but that's beside the point. Dan tries not to laugh as he purses his lips and tells him it's a game. Sadly, the Ollienator refuses to accept defeat graciously and continues to make a fool of himself. He says that Dan tested his manhood, disrespected him and made a fool of him in front of millions. Stop laughing! Dan maintains he is playing a game and aiming to score points but Ollie keeps yapping about being embarrassed before millions. Wait till he finds out about those 24/7 infrared cameras in all the bedrooms, then he'll really be embarrassed!
Hot on the heels of Ollie, Memphis, Renny and Keesha assemble in the HoH room to discuss the events of the day. Renny is a bit concerned that all the drama was too much, but Dan says that things were bound to get sticky. Meanwhile, there's a new movie playing on the spy screen called “Ollie vs. Inanimate Objects” and suddenly they're all riveted by it. They watch slack-jawed as tropical depression Ollie swirls through the house and launches an innocent bag of chips across the kitchen, knocks over a lamp by the sliding door and throws down some gym equipment, all the while muttering to himself about playing a game and such. Yawn. I've been more entertained by watching paint dry than Ollie on a “rampage”.
Not to be outdone, Michelle stomps up to the HoH to take on Dan. He tells her right away that he'll only talk to her if she won't yell. Amazingly she agrees, then demands to know why she was so cruelly victimized for something she didn't do and why Dan didn't keep the deal. He tells her that Ollie made a deal that was too good to be true and there was no way Dan was going to keep it. Michelle keeps yapping about how she never put him up and he “screwed her over”. Dan dismisses her arguments and Michelle goes off to the DR to whine. She laments tearfully that she doesn't want to be backdoored, and Dan can't be trusted. Hee!
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After all this good comedy, we finally go live to the Living Room as Julie tells the hamsters about the double eviction deal. Ollie claps as he hears the news and I snicker. With blessed little time for frivolous extras such as visits with families, time-wasting tributes to houseguests and such, we move straight to the nominees' speeches. Jerry, is up first and he says something about bumps in the road, potholes and rides and being glad to be there. Nothing you haven't heard before, just the standard grandfatherly look-at-me-I'm-not-a-dirty-old-liar-hiding-behind-my-Marines-cap speech he's been delivering for weeks now. Speaking of recycling, Michelle is by now the third of fourth person on the block to have memorized Angie's vote-for-yourself-not-for-the-person-across-from-you speech almost word by word, and she stammers through it pitifully. I won't bore you with it. The vote goes by quickly as everyone except Ollie votes to get rid of Michelle. By a vote of 3 to 0 she is thus kicked to the curb. While Michelle marches out for her face time with the Chenbot, Ollie sprints to the bedroom to grab what look to be his competition gloves from a drawer. He quickly stuffs them in his back pocket and rejoins the others. Sigh. Looks like he thinks there's another endurance competition afoot and I'm getting tired of writing about how dumb he is.
But wait the fun's not over! Julie asks Michelle why she thinks she was targeted after the Veto Roulette game. Michelle is convinced that she was targeted the whole time, and that Dan is playing a game to make a fool out of everyone in the house and he is nothing but a plant. She says something is not right about him, he's playing too many games. Julie finally tells her that Dan is not a plant and that Michelle was was simply outplayed. She gasps out loud, truly surprised by this as I'm sitting here not surprised in the least that she is surprised. Asked whether she thinks Dan is smart, Michelle says “absolutely not” as he will be the one evicted next. In fact, she “knows” he will be the next one out, because he was scared of Michelle, “petrified” of her in fact. Who wants a drink?
There's more about how Michelle was actually very calm in the house - hah! - but I won't waste your time with that. Big Brother, squeezed for time and probably as anxious to get rid of googly eyed Michelle as I am, skips the usual fake good bye messages for once. Thanks BB! Let's move on.
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For the next HoH competition, we're presented with another familiar backyard setup. The houseguests, separated by divider walls, are standing on top of stairs marked Up and Down for a game called Big Brother Headlines. America was asked to answer questions based on imaginary future headlines. The houseguests will need to guess who America thought the headline referred to by going either up or down the stairs. Each correct answer will earn a point. The person with the most points after 7 questions will be the next head of household. The headlines range from “BB houseguest called a hero after saving family from burning building” (Dan) to “BB houseguest entrusted with national security secret” (Jerry), and after 7 headlines it comes down to Jerry and Keesha, who are tied with 5 points each. By way of tie breaker they're asked to write down the number of the total lollipops displayed on the table after the food competition. They both write down 100 creating another tie. The new tiebreaker question is [i]In the competition “One Giant Leap”, if you add the winner's times from heat, one, two and three, what the total time would be in seconds”. Jerry jots down 350, while Keesha writes down 500. The correct answer is 1556 seconds, thus Keesha becomes the new HoH.
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Tasked with nominating two of her housemates, Keesha makes the obvious choice and sends Ollie and Jerry to the chopping block. With little fanfare, we move straight to the Veto competition. This one is called Veto in a Haystack. Each houseguest gets their own pile of hay where two veto signs are hidden. The object of the game is to bring both veto signs to the finish line, one by one, in order to win the veto. The hamsters frantically dig in the hay for the veto signs, but the game is over in less than a minute as Dan finds both veto signs and presses the buzzer, thereby winning the veto.
At the quickie Veto Ceremony, the action rolls along without delay as well. Jerry wants to stay, Ollie inanely suggests another game of roulette, but alas there's little time for flamboyant gestures. As you might expect, Dan decides not to use the veto, leaving the nominations to stand. In the quick vote that follows, Dan, Renny and Memphis all vote to evict Ollie. Without further ado, Julie announces that Ollie is history and he gets out of his chair even before she finishes her sentence and marches straight out the door forgoing all fake hugs and handshakes. Back in the house, Jerry is trying to mend fences already, praising them all for their excellent game but still says that if he won HoH it would have all been different. Guess he wouldn't try to make peace then.
He tells Julie he's a bit upset because all the competing didn't go so well, but happy to have had the opportunity. The Chenbot wants some meaty statements so she pushes the Ollinator to talk about how upset he is at Dan. He babbles something about being confused why Dan did what he did and whether his alliance will like his move down the line. Or something. Julie equates Dan's betrayal with Ollie's betrayal of Brian during Week 1 and Ollie agrees that it was like that. He also babbles something about being upset that Dan involved all the others in the whole thing and mocked everyone. Perhaps Ollie thinks that Dan should have abstained from working with his alliance to kick him out of the house. Anyone want another drink?
Asked about April, Ollie perks up and says he likes her and wants to hear her answer to his question about whether she'll be his first sweet girlfriend. Thankfully there are no more questions and Ollie is off to sequesterland to cuddle with his sweet showmass for the remainder of the season.
The good news is somebody will be going home next week again. The bad news is that only one somebody will be going home. Bummer! I've grown quite fond of the quickie format. Tune in to see who gets to rule the roost next week, then see me here next week for more furry eviction action.
What to do with a giant turnip? Send me your recipes.