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How did I get so lucky two weeks in a row? First Libra got kicked to the curb, then Renny won HoH and nominated April and Jerry, and with one of them guaranteed to be out this week, things are looking up again. Dan had a chance to change things up by using his hard-won Veto, but backed off when Renny told him that she would look at him as a traitor if he did. Heaven forbid anyone actually dare use his brain in this house! So now it's between Ollie's blonde bedmate true love and the odd-man-out septuagenarian with the Jesus fixation. Neither one would be a big loss, so I'm not really complaining.

How to Make Dumb Hamsters Paranoid 101

We kick off, as we always do, with the Chenbot greeting us with cheers from the live audience. She's decently dressed in a black outfit that is surprisingly classy. Even her hair is noticeably less helmet-like than on many previous episodes. Perhaps her usual hairdresser is sick or they just ran out of Aquanet. Either way, I'm happy that good things just seem to be piling up. We pick up the action after the Veto ceremony, in which Dan created a bit of a stir by mentioning money. Always a sure way to fire up greedy, paranoid hamsters, isn't it?

Dan hoped to create chaos, and judging by how April's smile froze on her face during his speech, he may have just reached his goal. She claims she never offered him a “specific amount of money”, but we all heard her dangle the money bait. Perhaps she forgot it's all being filmed? Jerry is not too worried since he knows that the money offer didn't come from him and that Renny wants April out, so he's digging in and hoping to avoid being shoved out the front door this week. Never one to swim by an obvious bait, googly-eyed Michelle, bites and vows to find out who dared to buy their safety with cash. She wants that person out. Apparently trying to save yourself by any means necessary is just another way to piss off Michelle.

With nothing better to do than show off both of her tiny braincells, Michelle, sets off to find out who is the villainous briber. She whispers about it with Keesha and Renny, who cleverly encourage her to find out the truth. It's called letting someone dig their own hole, which is a time-honored BB tradition. Her next stop is with Dan, but he unceremoniously leaves the room without saying anything. Speculation continues with Keesha and Memphis, and the hole gets even deeper for Michelle as she breathlessly declares that she is positive April didn't offer Dan any money simply because April's face during the Veto ceremony told her she was very surprised. Yeah, she was surprised. As in “Oh, crap! Now everyone is going find out, and I'll be out the door” surprised, Michelle! She is convinced Jerry was the one who tried to bribe Dan because she doesn't trust him. And because she is completely clueless, but I digress.

Elsewhere, Dan is enjoying the fruits of his labor, listening quietly as Keesha declares that she will not change her vote and will definitely get rid of April “for her own personal”. Memphis can see both sides, and he'd rather see a Jerry HoH than take a chance of having April win it again.

How delusion works

As night falls in the BB house, [s]bedmates[/b] sweet lovebirds, April and Ollie, commiserate by the hot tub. Whose week is crappier? Ollie maintains it's very hard on him, but April will have none of that! Her misery is greater because she is on the block. She wails pitifully that she hasn't done anything to anybody and can't understand why she's on the block. April feels victimized for no good reason, since all she's done was “do dishes, bake cakes and give people stuff”. She sure gave Ollie lots of, er, stuff but I doubt that'll be a point in her favor. April feels Dan and Michelle will vote her way, and only Keesha's jealousy is a problem. Ollie, they yes-man, agrees wholeheartedly as April states that she can't see how Dan would keep Jerry after all Jerry has said about him. She wants to persuade Michelle and Dan, both swing votes, to back her.

The lost art of begging

They both approach Michelle, who claims nobody else has talked to her about anything. She says she feels there's a secret plan afoot. Ollie tells her that keeping April is best for Michelle, because neither April nor Ollie would ever put Michelle up. Ollie also claims they can get Dan's vote. They flap their gums about whether “the others” want Jerry out and how Dan is once again a swing vote for the third time in a row. Michelle brilliantly states that if “the house” wants Jerry out she'll vote with “the house”, but if “the house” wants April out, Michelle will be a good hamster and vote with “the house”, lest she be targeted herself. Who is this “house” character? I admit to skipping Tuesday's episode. Was some new, invisible character introduced or are these people just a bunch of robots with one tiny central brain? I'm sure it's the latter.

The campaign continues as Ollie approaches Dan and assures him that neither he nor April have ever had anything against Dan. He keeps reiterating that Dan is not a target, will never be a target and that Dan should consider where April is coming from. She's coming from Ollie's bed most of the time, but that's neither here nor there. Ollie gives Dan his word that Dan will not be put up by either him or April. Dan refuses to commit, saying he doesn't know what he'll do, and tells Ollie not to be upset if things don't go his way. The session ends without a deal.

With Ollie's part done, it's time for April to work on Dan's vote. She requests a formal audience with him in the Spa room where she asks him point blank whether Jerry offered him any money. Dan ducks the question by saying he's got no deal with Jerry which prompts April to offer him a deal of her own: she will give him money, she will give him safety and “anything else I can do for you, I'll do for you”. Hey, now! What's Ollie going to say when he hears that little addendum? Thinly veiled sleazy offers notwithstanding, Dan refuses to commit and they leave the Spa room without a solid deal. He knows he's in a position of power, and is loving every minute of it.

Reasons to get rid of April. Or not.
  • Ollie: Ollie and April connect. So she must stay so they can connect some more. In every available room.
  • Michelle: Keeping April is not good because she'd be going against the dreaded “the house”. Keeping April is good because Michelle would be safe for a bit. Letting Michelle talk too long is not good because it causes brain damage in viewers.
  • Memphis: April loves the fact that Memphis won a car, but wants him out of the house, so that's a reason to get rid of her. On he other hand Jerry is old, he lies, talks behind Memphis' back and he generally just bothers Memphis. Oh, and Jerry's a liar. Burn him at the stake... along with every other Big Brother contestant ever!

Mass confusion

Every week CBS insists on profiling one of the hamsters as if we care to know more about their furry little lives outside of Big Brother. Usually, it's a pretty consistent filler, devoid of much scandal. This week however, we take an in-depth look at the Oprill, I mean, Ollie-April relationship. Accompanied by bad 70s porn music, we get some footage of April and Ollie canoodling in the hot tub confessing sweet nothings to each other. Ollie wants to move in with April but worries about what Ollie's parents might think of Ollie cohabiting with a featherbrained blonde sexpot his TV girl.

To find out, we get to visit Des Moines, IA, home to Ollie's parents. Pastor Ed, Ollie's daddy, preaches to his flock and assures all of us that Ollie has morals and integrity. He is convinced that Ollie's morals are helping him now in his time of need. Daddy confesses that Ollie was kept on a short leash, and while he was “allowed” to date, he did not have any short term relationships. Back in the hot tub, April is cautioning Ollie, telling him that Arizona is full of April clones, however, the boobage is usually fake. Who knew Arizona was such a haven for plastic surgery victims? Ollie insists that won't be a problem. Of course not.

For some more perspective, we get to visit with April's twin sister, Angela, who maintains that April is a dominant personality and she is attracted of Ollie because he is a laid back personality like Angela herself. He possibly reminds April of home. So April is attracted to Ollie because he is like her twin sister? Yikes! Angela thinks they're having one big showmance. Cut to Ollie's daddy who admits he's confused about the whole “showmass” thing. He can't tell whether this is a real “showmass” or a fake “showmass” but either way Ollie needs to watch himself. Sigh. I think somebody needs to tell Pastor Ed that there's no mass in this show.

Meanwhile, April's sister and buddies watch in horror as Ollie suddenly asks April to marry him. Angela thinks there will be no marriage and once out of the BB bubble, things will cool down between them. The lovebirds chirp some more about moving in together, possibly forever but BB mercifully cuts away before the syrup starts dripping from my TV screen.

Yapping it up with the Chenbot

A montage of Ollie's horror in the face of a big black bird leads off tonight's Living Room segment. Turns out our Ollie is scared of big bad black birds since childhood because they're dirty and because of an “old movie back in the day”. Julie helpfully asks if it's “that Hitchcock movie?” and Ollie says yes. Dan talks about how happy he was to finally win something when he is generally so inept at challenges, as the others smile indulgently. Give the boy an Emmy! Renny tears up talking about her parents, both deceased, whose pictures were in her HoH room. Jerry is asked about being on slop for so long. He says it's been 26 out of 44 days so far, and he maintains he's toughing it out. Allegedly, frying it makes it better. Memphis gets the audience question of the week, and it's about which evicted hamster he'd bring back if given a chance. Without much waffling he says he'd bring back Brian for the entertainment value. Nobody is amused, and we move on.

More reasons to get rid of April. Or not.
  • Keesha: Keesha can't take April's constant bragging about herself and wants her to go. Of course, with April gone, Keesha will have more time to talk about herself. In a non-bragging kind of way, of course.
  • Dan: He wants April gone because she made up lies about him, but he's been courted heavily by both her and Ollie. This means he's “a swing vote with enormous power”. But he says he does not want to be in this position. No, no, no! Who wants enormous power anyway? Pfft.
Parting is such sweet... joy

Time to talk to the HoH. Julie wants to know about Renny and all her sides. There are a lot of sides, Renny says, and she is a strategic player who is goofy and serious at the same time. They talk briefly about Memphis and Renny confesses she wants to see him go because Memphis is too sure of himself and needs a lesson in respect. Not that crap again! Thankfully there are no more questions and we finally get down to business.

First up, the two nominees get a chance to beg for their lives. April goes first. She talks about being grateful for every moment in the game and asks everyone to vote for themselves and not for the person sitting across from them. Funny, isn't that what Angie said before she got dumped? A suddenly kindler, gentler Jerry thinks his time in the house has been special, aside from the slop, and if evicted he will harbor no ill will in the Jury house. Keesha, Memphis, Dan, Michelle all vote to evict April, while Ollie stays loyal to his sweet showmass and evicts Jerry. The unsurprising news is announced and April is dispatched without much fanfare after some quick hugs. Following tradition, the hamsters go through the all-around-hugs routine designed to show how sorry they are that they had to get rid of a major competitor. My heart would be breaking if only this weren't the thousandth time I was seeing this little act. Onward!

Grilled about Keesha, April has nothing bad to say about her except that Keesha turned on her for an unexplained reason. Julie wants to know whether spending so much time in bed with Ollie contributed to her downfall. April doesn't think so and believes one needs to have a bedmate friend in the game to maintain sanity. Would she have gotten involved with Ollie had she known that it would have led to her eviction? Oh, yes she would have! As for the future, April assures us that she and Ollie won't be moving in together, and all that talk about marriage was just a joke. What about starting a family? April balks at that question and comes back with some inane stuff about appreciating their friendship or some such. Quite a sneaky question from Julie there. Perhaps she does watch the live feeds after all.

Goodbye messages range from Dan telling her it's not personal; Renny, on the verge of tears, giving her usual “amazing young person” speech; Keesha admitting to a rocky relationship and Ollie vowing to continue the good fight to the end. He also asks her whether she'll be his first girlfriend. She says she will! I'm getting a massive headache here from all the sweet showmass, so let's move on, shall we?

In which the hamsters get some vine

With barely five minutes of show time left, Julie joins the hamsters in the backyard for the HoH competition. The setup is jungle-like, complete with the houseguests hanging from vines, that is poles with small seats. There are leaves, netting, a thick mat on the floor, and, oh yeah, a big padded wall painted in jungle colors. The name of the game is King of the Jungle and the object is to be the last person hanging on the vine. Soon rain starts pouring down on the houseguests and the vines are lifted high into the air as we fade away so Julie can tell us about all the excitement reserved in store for us.

This week, America gets to vote on another completely useless thing that will have no bearing on the game whatsoever. If you have enough time on your hands, you can help decide which hamster should get a phone call from home. I see there's no option for “none”. Also, why can't we vote for Ollie to get a giant stuffed black bird to replace April? I'd sure make time to vote for that!

Back in the backyard, the monkeys are still hanging on their vines, Ollie gets a scare as suddenly birds start cawing loudly making me suddenly perk up at the prospect of Ollie bawling in sheer terror as huge black birds flood the backyard. Alas, it is not to be. BB, you dirty tease! Instead, everyone is surprised when the vines start swinging and they are repeatedly smacked hard against the padded jungle wall. Why not just get a couple of live gorillas to beat the crap out them and give us a better show? Oh, well, a missed opportunity. Which primate will hang on the longest to become the new HoH before BB either breaks every bone in their body or they die of hypothermia? Be back Sunday to find out, or if you just can't take that much suspense, peek into the Live Feed forum and be enlightened. See me here next week for a fun time as in a special double elimination episode we get rid of two greedy hamsters at once. Yay! Two for the price of one! Now, that's a deal I always appreciate.

Send me a PM if you think we need more showmasses on Big Brother.