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There was once a TV show in which a bunch of interesting individuals battled for supremacy and cash using cunning, clever and imaginative strategies and building smart interpersonal relationships, all the while keeping millions enthralled and entertained. This is not that show. That show aired eight seasons ago. On this show, we have a bunch of dim bulbs who bicker like spoiled high school cheerleaders deprived of their fluffy pom-poms and fully grown adults who whine and moan all day long as if the world was ending because they're forced to dine on bland gruel for a week. If you're looking for high-brow entertainment, you're in the wrong place. But for all you lovers of cheap thrills – and I do mean extremely cheap thrills - there are plenty to be had on this episode. Let's dive into the cesspool, shall we?
Reheat on High for 50 seconds
As usual, we get a quick rundown of all the meager excitement from the past week, lest we forget that Keesha is HoH and on the warpath, aiming to obliterate Angie, because she is prettier and can count up to 10, which is 10 higher than Keesha can count, and Jessie, well, because Jessie has bigger breasts than Keesha does and that's unacceptable. Okay, not really, but almost. Julie is wearing a cutesy cream colored suit that she must have stolen from Pageant Barbie's early 70s wardrobe, the live audience have their orders to clap on cue and somebody is just a few short commercial breaks away from being kicked to the curb.
After the dramatic Veto meeting, Angie is angling for a chance to stay in the house. Jessie likes the shirtless strategy, mugging for the camera, hoping to win over America with his bulging muscles. That's more strategic thinking than I thought would come out of such a small skull, but I digress. He also rests assured due to Keesha's promise that he'll stay. Michelle bawls brokenly because perhaps she's seen Amber a couple of seasons ago and likes being pathetic. Oh, and she is all bent out of shape because her awesome best friends of 19 days are in peril. It's difficult; we know. Angie absolves Michelle and gives her the green light to vote against her if the majority is picking Small Skull Jessie to stay.
Other past incidents are revisited as well. WomanizerGate is rehashed because we just haven't heard enough about how Memphis is a complete and total gentleman and being called a womanizer by Jerry hurt him deeply. Memphis, Jesse, Angie and Michelle wonder why things haven't been going their way and “what is wrong with these people?” Hah! I'm sure CBS would say that absolutely nothing is wrong with these people as long as they act like complete freaks.
The ultimate Big Brother game of Junior High Telephone
As campaigning kicks into high gear, Angie chooses to court Jerry by advising him to look past this week and weigh the bigger picture. Jerry claims he is powerless. They whisper a bit about alliances as Memphis and Michelle watch warily from across the lawn. Meanwhile, Jessie – fully clothed – schmoozes with Keesha who assures him that he is staying. Again. And just when I'm about to nod off Memphis, TN walks into the HoH and lets Keesha know that he heard that Jerry just told Angie that this is just a game and all is not lost. Angie kicks it up a notch by telling Michelle that Jerry said that Michelle, Memphis and Jessie thought they ran the house just one week before, never mind that he said nothing of the sort. Michelle runs to her boys, Jessie and Memphis, to deliver the news and “calm down” before she can unleash some extremely good TV hell at Jerry. You'd think they're reading a script on how to do this crap on cue.
For his part, Jerry slithers up to the HoH to be duly questioned by Keesha. He denies offering a bit of meaningless reassurance to Angie, which apparently he is not free to do, then proceeds to the kitchen where Michelle turns the volume up to High as she yells at him about how Jerry dared mention her name in connection with Angie, being in power and sucking up or something or other. Whatever. They yell back and forth, pretty much like demented kindergarteners fighting over a square foot of playground sand. This would all be funny if it weren't so depressingly pathetic.
Shaken and mentally scrambled
As our hamsters lounge around, suddenly their patch of California ground starts shaking, sending everyone into a fit of frenzy. Michelle, Memphis and Jessie run scared to the middle of the backyard and crouch down on the ground yelling for the others to come outside. While they are all surprised and a bit stirred, Jerry just thinks that a truck ran into the building and moved the walls. Allrighty then.
Excitement abates quickly, however, and night falls again with lazy hamsters looking for ways to entertain themselves. The ever reliable Jessie decides to send a “menacing wave” towards Libra through the kitchen window even mouthing “buh-bye” to her. He finds the kind of juvenile delight in his act that only a three year old can find as he pulls out the neighbor's carefully arranged petunias. Libra, April and Keesha perceive this as a declaration of war, probably akin to the assassination of the Archduke of Austria back in the day. Renny weighs in and says that Jessie is sooooo disrespectful. Shocking!
But wait! There's more of where that fun came from! Jessie calls Jerry “Father Time” then makes squawking noises at him which prompts Jerry to tell Renny and Keesha that Jessie needs to go. Oooh! Keesha feels Jessie is just not reverent and “appreciative” enough of his position. News of the latest brouhaha travels fast from Libra to Ollie and April as she tells them that she thinks Jessie is acting like a high school kid. She wouldn't know anything about that kind of behavior, now would she? They all agree that he is way too sure of himself and wish they could boot him this week. Ollie speculates that America thinks they might just be the dumbest cast ever. Nooo! We don't think that! That was last season. This bunch is second worst at best, so they should be proud of themselves. They decide to try to sway Keesha to get Jessie out first, and the three Furies, Libra, April and Keesha talk it over, concluding that Jessie indeed needs to go because he just does.
Talk to me... if you can
Back in the Living Room, Julie is delivering her weekly questions designed to rattle the hamster cage:
- Remember last week's banner that so cruelly stirred up the hamster nest? Yeah, uhm, fake. Julie claims it had nothing to do with Big Brother, no matter what the hamsters claimed. Michelle is asked about it and she says she was surprised to see it. They are not told it was fake banner. Hee!
- Memphis is given a chance to clarify that he is indeed not a womanizer, but somebody who has “dedicated kind of [his] life to treating women with a form of respect”. Which reminds me that I've dedicated my life to treating coconut ice cream with “a form of respect” as well. I will only eat it with a large amount of whipped cream on top to show my appreciation. In another form of respect, I refuse to gobble it up straight from the box because that would be disrespectful.
- Jerry still thinks the other house guests are a “great bunch of kids” and that he and Memphis have buried the hatchet, but barely recalls the screaming match with Michelle. Ah, the benefits of a certain age!
- Renny is apparently celebrating her birthday, and she felt special on her day in the house, with a cake and all.
Talking to Keesha up in the HoH, Julie wants to know why Angie is more to blame for Steven's eviction than Keesha herself. Can you guess what she said? Apparently she blames Angie more because Angie wouldn't come over when Keesha was talking to Steven and something about allowing Keesha to take all the heat that week. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Keesha also confesses that she will keep her promise to not target Libra till the end of the game but she's more loyal to Renny because Renny is a true friend. I think we all need a drink right about now. A viewer wanted to know whether Keesha felt underestimated before winning HoH and Keesha eagerly confirms that she was grossly “underested” before. Poor girl. I would feel underested as well if my bra size was bigger than my IQ.
The disadvantages of a “rationalized” mind
Faced with the firing squad, Angie makes a final plea trying to appeal to that small grain of strategic thinking that she probably hopes resides in her fellow houseguests. She urges them to consider carefully who is the bigger threat and whose eviction they will regret more in the future. Jessie mumbles something about coming into the house with respect, and disrespect and some such, but I must confess I fast forwarded through his speech. I just can't take his bobble-head doll shtick for any length of time. Not to mention all that crap about being disrespected. One by one, our hamsters display that amazing lemming-like trait that is so characteristic to fearful, cornered rodents the world over and vote unanimously to evict Angie, keeping the muscle-bound bobble-head doll for another week. Brief hugs and good-byes ensue after which Angie is mercifully rid of them all forever.
As she leaves, everyone acts as if this was the funeral of their favorite aunt. They hang their heads, wipe away some fake tears and hug each other in an exaggerated show of non-existent grief. What exactly they are sorry for, I couldn't tell you. Perhaps she took the house supply of toilet paper with her? Or else they all know this little scene is carried live on the TV show and acting like you care is a great way to win fans. Or so they think. That's what they always think.
Talking with Julie, Angie says she hoped to appeal to the houseguests' minds rather than their emotions. Guess that didn't quite work out. In his goodbye message, Jessie says Angie has “a rationalized mind” and he would make more similes and analogies if he could. Thankfully the show is heavily edited because I'm not sure I could take any similes and analogies from Jessie. Jerry, Memphis and Michelle will all miss her. The Brian cap issue is aired and Angie explains that she only wore it because she knew it annoyed the crap out of everyone in the house.
Between a ledge and a high place
As Angie fades into oblivion, we are given a glimpse of the next HoH competition. Keesha is sitting it out, but the others are all lined up, standing literally on a ledge, their backs to a fake brick building, holding on to a railing. But before we can see more of the fun stuff, it's time to reveal who America chose as their pawn. Turns out Dan is the lucky winner of America's sacred trust and he is amused, honored and humbled by this turn of events. After weighing the pros and cons, Dan finally decides to agree to become America's Player for one whole week and $20K in cold hard cash. All I know is that April would have probably sold out Cappy, Maggot, Yvette and her lapdog for half that amount if given the chance. For the hefty sum of $20K, Dan will have to act and vote the way America bids him. His first assignment will be to target America's pick for eviction.
Now that we've chosen our slave, the HoH competition can start. It's an endurance competition called Livin' on the Edge and the goal is simply to not fall off the ledge. The last person standing will be the new HoH. The wall tilts a bit, then Big Brother treats them to an “aftershock” complete with shaking ledge, falling dust and wobbly walls. Next comes a strong “breeze” which whips dust and debris in their faces. April looks determined and focused while Jessie seems to have trouble standing up straight. Who will plummet to the scary depths below first and who will hang on till the end to become the new HoH?
Tune in Sunday to find out or, if you can't wait, we've got a handy Live Feed forum to serve your burning need to know. Either way see me here next week when another hamster's dream of riches will be cruelly crushed by a furry, jealous horde of self-involved exhibitionists.
PS. Thanks a whole bunch to waywyrd for filling in for me while I was away
shoppingrelaxing in the Big Apple.