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Hello dear readers! Tis I, Iguanachocolate filling in for Critical this week and leading you on your stylistic journey through hairdom. Last week we bid adieu to the most supreme hairstylist (in his own mind), he who is one with the sacred bodies of water: Oshun. Who will do their final cut tonight? Join me and we shall soon find out.

Our show tonight begins with the Short Cut challenge which will be, get this, they are so punny, a short cut. Our little Emmy seeking drama queen, Daniel, gets to choose his model first as a result of his winning the challenge last week and receiving the first immunity. Poor little overreacting flighty boy had to put his tear ducts to use for the first of many times this episode because then he had to pick the order in which the others got to pick their models. Ok, let me just say this, what is with all these alleged competitors coming on to shows where the object is to get to the end and win their 15 minutes of whorefame and the money, but who ‘don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings’? Frankly, if you want to be Mr. Nicey Nice you might as well stay home and help the little old ladies put the blue stuff on after their weekly settings and dries. I’m not saying you have to be cutthroat (though it does make for some mighty fine television viewing), but you at least have to play strategically and that would mean identifying your competitors and making it more difficult for them than you would, say, Gail. Ok, that’s said, now back to the recap.

So, Daniel does his thing and all the stylists get their models and get to work. The guidelines are short, fun and flirty. Seems easy enough to do, but what do I know, I won’t even trim my dogs eyebrows myself. The models seem to be a variety, curly, fine, straight, thick, thin and damaged. A little way into the challenge and my whole outlook on the show changes as who walks in but last year’s witch bitch, Tabatha! Don’t tell my Beloved, but I have a huge crush on Tabatha. There is just something about sassy, acerbic, gorgeous blonds that make me sit down and go, “wow”. Tabatha goes down the line critiquing the stylists as only she knows who. She pauses at Charlie’s client and raises one elegant eyebrow when she discovers she does not know who Mia Farrow is and that is the hair Charlie is emulating. At the judging, she criticizes them all and takes no prisoners. But in the end it is Charlie’s chic Mia Farrow cut on his model that wins out over Nicole’s shapely bob. He’ll get an advantage in the Elimination Cut.

Back at the loft, they drink their little hearts out and bemoan the cutting remarks made by Tabatha. Some of them hit a little too close to the cutting shears, I’m guessing. The next morning they awake to a beautiful bountiful bowl of the orangist oranges I have ever seen. What a wonderful way to wake up in the morning, fresh squeezed orange juice! Except. No. Not for our trimmers. Conveniently numbered and accompanied by a note saying they should bring the oranges with them to the salon.

Now, I am going to make a confession: I have no idea who these women are that stand in the salon holding their own oranges. I do know that Daniel nearly has seizures when he sees them he is so overwhelmed. They apparently have some kind of reality tv program about their lives, but that is all I know besides the fact they seem a bit too overdone. Both in the hair salon and under the tanning lights. I think I would agree that this is indeed “Armageddon”. At least for Daniel. Anyway, they are introduced as the Real Housewives of Orange County. I had no idea there were a number of women going around claiming to be house wives in Orange County who were merely imposters, but then again, I live in one of those relatively unknown/unpopular interior states. The challenge is that they have to create a new look or style that best represents their own vision and the expectations of the ladies. Judging by some of their expressions, I am guessing some of these ladies are not so easy to please and judging by their hairstyles/coloring jobs not so eager for change either. Some of them look a bit tired and others just look exhausted. Paulo gets a woman named Vicki who seems to be some kind of backstage mother jumping up and down all the time to see what is being done to her daughter Briana and to tell the stylist she’s not to do it. The daughter looks bored with this behavior and I don’t blame her. Vicki besides acting like some weird kind of Mexican Jumping Bean mother, does not want anything done to her hair. At all. No scissors, no color. Nothing. So, what is poor Paulo to do? Well, serve her champagne in hopes of getting her liquored up enough that she won’t notice if he comes at her with scissors. She still noticed and she basically ended up with the same style she came in with. Gail has a similar problem with Kimberly who says she has had bad experiences with extensions and cuts and tells Gail that she is no way no how cutting her hair. Unfortunate, that attitude. Very unfortunate as I see a lot of damaged yuckiness that could definitely use some cutting off. For the sake of us all.

Parker has color issues with his client Tammy, she’s died her hair a deep black. So of course, his solution is to die it an even deeper black. Scary. Then, the guy who has repeatedly told us all he knows is cutting, gives her an inexplicable heavy fringe thing that just makes her look old. Charlie does a good job with his client, Kara, it looks fresh and bouncy. Dee does a nice job on McKenzie, though I am not going to comment on her so called ‘signature lowlight streak’ of brown. I hate chunky coloring. Glenn does a good, albeit non-descript, job on her client, Tamara.

The hair show brings us no real surprises and really no standouts as far as I can see. Well, some of the standouts are really more of stand behind the closet door, such as the aforementioned Parker cut. Frankly, with a few exceptions, they all look about the same as when they came in. The judges (and what is up with Kim Vo? He looks like a Ken doll that has melted in the sun – I’m guessing he has Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon on speed dial) decide that Dee, Glenn and Charlie have the best looks of the night and Charlie takes the win and is immune next week. The bottom three consist of Gail (2nd week in a row), Paulo and Parker. They decide that Parker has had his last cut. Daniel sobs. Again.

And that’s all, folks. Stay tuned next week when the lovely Critical is back and some really long hair gets cut. Whoopi! Good times.