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Once upon a time, in my younger wilder days, I vaguely recall kissing three different men in one night. I went home alone (I’m pretty sure) but at the time I was proud of my multiple conquests. But I’ve got nothing on DeAnna, who this week racks up three overnight dates with three men.

Jason, Jeremy and Jesse are the last three standing, after she tearfully sent a grumpy Graham packing last week because he wouldn’t open up to her as much as she thought he should. Or because she would only talk about whether he was ready to get married yet.

So what will she do this week? Spend the night (in some capacity) with all three and then kick one to the curb? Yessir! But which one? And how painful will it be to watch for those of us pained not by true romance but by over-produced televised competitive versions of it? Answer: pretty painful. Well, pour the wine and roll the tape!

DeAnna says she was falling in love with Graham, but he was “a brat” and couldn’t give her her way what she wants. So now she says everything’s up in the air, and it’s all his fault. That isn’t stopping her from heading off to Grand Bahama Island for overnight dates with her remaining men.

Jeremy Gets A Case Of the Nerves

The first date is with Jeremy. She says they know each other pretty well, but he’s always serious, and she wants to see him cut loose and have fun. I.e. maybe they could not talk about their dead-parent bond. I’m not being (too) bitchy here, I’ve got a dead parent too. It’s a big club.

Jeremy says this is the most romantic place he’s ever been. They do some romantic, candle-lit jet-skiing. Jeremy, poor thing, says he can’t imagine life without her (oh, you mean real life? I.e. not on a TV show?) and he has to tell her. So when they sit on the beach, he’s trying to work up to telling this and she’s telling him not to be so serious. She doesn’t get why he’s being standoffish.

She thinks Jeremy is pulling back now that Graham is gone, because, you know, everything is about Graham. They walk on the beach, while Jeremy works up his nerve. “It’s a talk that needs to happen soon, because it’s killing me,” he says.

Nevertheless, he manages to wait till dinner, which looks to take place in someone’s living room. He’s nervous and giggly. Finally she tells him to be himself and be comfortable. He replies that this is the most nervous he’s been since he met her, because his feelings are all different and stuff. Now he cares about her and he’s afraid to lose her, but doesn’t have her. “I would tell you that I’m falling in love with you, but that’s already happened,” he says. She says she’s glad he told her. Awww. Poor guy.

He tells us saying so was a huge weight off his shoulders. She hands over the “fantasy suite” card. “My dream is that I’m down on one knee with a ring proposing to DeAnna,” he tells us. Oh, MY. My dream is that someone shakes some sense into these guys and reminds them they barely know this girl. But I guess this isn’t about my fantasy. DeAnna says she’d be lucky to spend her life with him, and she’s on cloud nine. Jeremy closes the bedroom door on us. Boooo.

Just Like The Jungle, Except For The Utter Comfort and Safety

So that’s it, right? We can cut to the final rose ceremony and Jeremy and DeAnna will live happily ever after? Haha, no! There are two more dates to go, and no matter what line she’s feeding Jeremy, DeAnna doesn’t seem to have any intention of declaring herself decided.

So hey, let’s bring in Jason! Kidless, this time. She says she has “great feelings” for him after the hometown date. He’s always so excited to see her, she says. He says he’s falling in love with DeAnna but isn’t ready to tell her. That’s probably a good thing, as they’re about to do some romantic off-roading. She asks if he can drive a stick. Humph.

They take off in a jeep, on a road, by the way, and she tells us she was glad he didn’t play it safe. Yes, he dangerously managed to take them for a drive on the wild side by driving fast down a dirt road. She’s from Georgia, she should know this isn’t “wild and crazy,” it’s “driving.” They arrive at an isolated beach, which they describe as like the Amazon. Yeah, except without the alligators, boa constrictors, etc. And with things like wine and food. Jason said he feels like a couple and could see himself with her for the rest of his life because it’s so much fun. Well, of COURSE it’s fun to go on continuous fantasy dates. How fun will it be when you argue about who’s taking out the trash?

DeAnna says Jason let loose on this date, and they had a lot of fun. No one else mattered, she says. They then go kayaking, a first for both of them, which appears to involve several near-capsizing incidents and running into trees and banks. They decide they’re great at this when they manage to go in a straight line for a few minutes. DeAnna says the date made it feel more like a relationship. Jason says the day helped him fall in love with her more, and he intends to talk to her about it that night.

How many dinner-time declarations of love can she take? All of them, apparently! She says she has always had feelings for Jason, but now they’re more intense. I’m sure intensifying her feelings was not at all the purpose of the producers sending them on this date, right? She tells him she likes this side of him today. She doesn’t know what it is, but he’s glad she got to see his fun (I assume) side anyway. They talk about whether Ty likes the beach (he does), but Jason says he’d rather talk about them. He compares her to Ty, saying they’re the two most important subjects in his life right now. She’s flattered. He didn’t expect to meet her, and she offers back the “everything happens for a reason” cliché. She then gives him the fantasy date card, and he reads it slooowly then immediately accepts and drags her off by the hair. Ok, not quite literally.

In the room, Jason tells us she’s someone he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with, and wants to tell her. He pulls from his pocket a sand dollar he bought her, to remind them of the date and to thank her for teaching him he can fall in love again. “Because I am falling in love.” I was hoping he’d add “with Jesse” but no. DeAnna tells us she can see herself marrying him. And, she notes, that makes it hard to think about making a decision at the next rose ceremony.

Sure, DeAnna Organized All Of This Herself

Finally, it’s Jesse’s turn. DeAnna says she needs Jesse to act like a boyfriend today. He tells her she’s hot, tells us he’s falling in love with her so hard. He’s scared because the other guys are still in it too.

This time, it’s horseback riding on the beach. Jesse calls it “rad” and also “super-romantic.” Jesse seems to have some trouble with controlling his horse, but they do manage to make out even from horseback.

They stop for a picnic, and Jesse tells her she’s “ridiculous,” As if she planned all this herself. They’re kissing a lot, and he says he waited for that until she’d met his family. They talk about being friends first and how DeAnna’s potentially about to be married. Jesse says he’s nervous. “I just have the potential to have the girl of my dreams, that’s all.”

She never expected to like him this much or want to spend so much time with him. He makes her laugh. “Today, I was just completely giddy about Jesse.”

He says they keep growing on each other, so maybe they’re meant to be together. Some people in life, you just click with, and he clicked with her.

So they head off to dinner (why is she wearing some loose stripey top?). Jesse plans to quiz her about her feelings. He asks about her kids timeline; she says before she’s 30, because she wants to be a young mom. He also wants to be a young dad, able to play catch. She tells us it was nice to see him be romantic and serious.

Then he asks if she could live in Breckinridge, for a few months a year, or somewhere snowy while he weans himself from snowboarding. She says the idea of moving around during the year scares her a bit. She knows snowboarding is her life, and hopes she fits in, and is scared she doesn’t. He says she does, she replies that it’s easy to say. She asks what else he wants to do, and Jesse says maybe a sports agent or manager. He wants to find the girl of his dreams, be happy, and then it won’t matter how much money he makes or what he does for work. He’s blown away by finding someone like her. “I’m falling for you so hard,” he says.

She tells us he said he’s falling in love with her, which is actually not what he said, and she just wants to hurry up and go to the fantasy suite. So she hands over the invite, and we’re at the moment they KEEP touting in promos, where Jesse says he doesn’t know if he can until he meets her dad. But of course, he’s joking. Haha, what a kidder! Way to overkill, ABC. Whatevs.

So they go, which makes her third night with a third man. I mean, not that anyone’s counting. He tells us he’d say he’s falling in love with her, very quickly. “If you choose me, I hope you’re ready to marry me, because that’s where I’m at,” he says.

Heartbreaker, Dream-Maker, Love-Taker, Don’t You Mess Around With Me

So, that’s all three dates down! Now we just have to break someone’s heart and we’re done! DeAnna says she didn’t think she’d feel the same way about these guys as she did about Graham – lucky for her, she’s apparently easily able to transfer her affections. “I’m falling in love with all three of these guys,” she says. Perhaps a move to Utah for all of them is in order.

DeAnna tells the three of them she had a great week with them, and cares about them all, and this isn’t easy and her heart is breaking right now. She says this with a small frown, like she can’t get the lid off a jar. She hides heartbreak really well, it seems.

Jeremy smiles at her confidently, which is sad, because the first rose goes to Jesse. And the second goes to … Jason. Awwww. Jeremy looks away.

She walks him out, sniffling, and waits for him to talk. He says he was all about her from the beginning. She says he’s perfect and she’d have been the luckiest woman in the world and she’s stupid for sending him home (which means “It’s not you, it’s me” which means “it’s you.”) and at first she thought she was meant to be with him because of the dead parent bond. But she didn’t want to confuse that with being in love. He says he’s hurt. He doesn’t think he’s ever had his heart broken like this. He’s in love with her. Today could “potentially” be one of the worst days he’s ever had. Potentially? When’s he going to find out? She walks him to the limo, blocking his way into the door by clutching him a hug he’s forced to return. Finally he tells her not to cry, and that he’s going to miss her.

He tells us he didn’t see that coming. He knew what he was looking for, it’s a feeling with someone, and he thought he found it with her. “She had it all.”

In the limo, Jeremy asks the driver to stop, and gets out and walks around a bit. He says he always wanted to truly fall in love, and now he did, and doesn’t want to lose another person he cares about. He doesn’t know what he does from here. I hope from here he goes to a shrink.

The Men Tell Some

Now, this wasn’t the end of Bachelorette hour. You think they’d let me off with a one-hour recap? Noo. The “Men Tell All” show was next, and while I’m not going to give it a full recap, here’s a quick list of highlights:

-DeAnna’s engaged! And in love. Presumably with the same man.
-But Jeremy is still in love with her. Awwz.
-She and Graham still bicker like teenagers. Not sexy.
-Nobody else liked Jeremy AT ALL.
-The virgin is still bitter he got dumped.

Next week:

The finale! Finally! Jesse and Jason meet DeAnna’s family, and then she chooses one of them, and then they live happily ever after, until the press release comes out in a month about how they love each other but are in different places in their lives, etc.