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We have recently received the following missive from our
greedy spyfaithful associate, Mike Spelling. Frankly we were were extremely annoyedperplexed:
"Dear Sirs and Madams,
I hereby tender my resignation. Consider this letter my two weeks notice. My decision does in no way reflect a dissatisfaction with our current arrangement, rather it is the result of endless
pleas for more cash, which you have obstinately refusedreflection on my part about the fact that I've received a better offermy career. I am inclined to be magnanimous and relinquish my contacts to you, however I do require one final largish lump sum paymentsome help before I do so. As you know, my most ardent desire has always been to work for The Chicago Tribune or, really, any newspaper that would have me, so I am now demandingasking for your help in this regard.
P.S. Couldn't you have at least paid for my hotel and the private massage sessions? You cheap bastards!"
We were understandably
extremely freakin' maddisappointed at this turn of events and even threatened the little jerk with a big fat lawsuitbut managed to persuade Mike to fork over his contacts to us, so that we can continue to bring you these precious tidbits of information.
Geoff Jefferson- Lead Hairstylist & Saboteur Extraordinaire
Well the producers held up their end of the bargain, they let me style DeAnna’s hair for that Tell All special crap. How genius was it for me to trim her bangs slightly short so they dangled in front of her face…the whole episode. She kept raving about how great her hair looked and in one snip I changed her appearance forever. I’m still giggling, like a school girl, over what I did. How annoying was that to look at? I was just about to tell her about the wonder that is Spanx, but I thought I would just let her ride out the season without the knowledge. Did you see girl’s hips while she was sitting during the interview? They were about as big as Trey’s on a good day. I was so happy we got a little outing to Palm Springs, which meant I got another opportunity to apply sun block. Graham wouldn’t let me near him so I focused most of my attention on Sean. Boy looks good now that he got his hair cut. Who knew he had that muscular chest hiding under that tight shirt? Not me! I was so sad to see him go, I’m just glad I was there to help ease the pain. I’m not one to talk, but that boy can kiss. I’ve said too much.
Jarvis Jenkins - Chauffeur
Just as I was settling into my recliner with a cold one and some pork rinds, the phone rang. I just knew it was Mr. Fleiss because I’d already called the missus. I always call her and get it out of the way before WWE Monday Night Raw. This way she won’t call smack in the middle and make me miss all the action with her carrying on about gardenias and the nosy old bitty next door. So that’s how I knew it had to be Mr. Fleiss. Last week, I missed my danged night off because Mr. Fleiss wanted an extra bachelor sent packing. No way in Hades was I missing another one. So I didn’t answer. He left a message for me to go pick up DeAnna and her date. It seems she had some car trouble and they needed a ride up to Palm Springs. Did I call him back? No sirree, I most certainly did not! If Mr. Fleiss thinks I’m giving up another night off and missing my favorite show, he’s off his rocker. Not my fault his golden girl can’t drive a classic automobile. Not my fault at all. And if he dares try to dock me for not showing up, Mr. Fleiss just might find himself in a Figure Four Leglock.
Trudy Cox - Cocktail waitress and aspiring actress
Of all the nerve! Who does she think she is canceling the cocktail party? Cocktail parties are what I do! Does she have any idea how much money in tips she cost me tonight? I was planning to wear my new racy lacy fire engine red bra under that choir girl uniform . Shoot, I was going to leave the top few buttons open even so when I bent over in their faces, the guys would notice the 34 DDDs. A few “dropped” napkins that require me to bend over right in front of the couch and they were sure to notice my new garter belt as well. That always brings in the good tips. But nooooooo! I’ve a good mind to march right over to De“Hah”nna’s place right now and give her a good piece of my mind. From there, I can head right down to the outhouse and give Graham a little um, piece. That's one good way to get back at her. Besides, it'd be a crying shame to let these
sleazysexy new threads go to waste!
Joe Gardner – Fleiss’s Personal Assistant
I swear if I have to spend yet another week on puke patrol, I am going to scream! Last week those wimpy boys were puking after the racing date, and this time around it was the helicopter rides. Poor Twilley. He told DeAnna he didn’t puke, but I know differently. Actually my brand new $600 Gucci leather loafers know differently as well. After cleaning up Twill-puke from my kicks, I promptly took my newly shined shoes and shoved them directly up Jesse’s “rad” butt. Did you hear the comment he made about DeAnna knowing her spots and knowing exactly the perfect places to take the men? If by “DeAnna” knowing, he means “Joe” dreams it up and takes care of it, then yes that’s accurate. I’m so sick of that whiny princess getting all the props for my hard work. Then there’s Fleiss. It’s always something with him. Yesterday, there was a fly in his turkey club sandwich. He demanded that I go get him a new one. Guess what Fleiss? I gave you the same exactly sandwich, fly and all. You didn’t even notice. I’m actually kind of bummed that Sean is gone. He did promise me though that I could drop by his house anytime I’m in Kentucky and use his tanning booth. I feel like I’m in Hell. To quote Rodney Dangerfield in one of his movie appearances, “Even in Hell, I don’t get no respect!”
Helga Van Buren – The Hair Containment Specialist
So last week I told you about a note I got from the show’s lawyers because I’ve apparently been making some men on the show feel a little bit uncomfortable. They want uncomfortable? That’s exactly what I gave them this week. You should see the rash I gave Twilley on his uhh.. Little Twilley. I might have heated up the wax too much. Oops. I wanted to “accidentally” pluck out all of Jesse’s eyebrows, but he probably would have thought that it was “sick” and “gnarly”. He is such a goofball. I will say though that I’m going to miss Sean. Sean gave me all kinds of tips on plucking, tweezing, and waxing. He plucked the stray hairs off of my chin and then gave me some soothing facial cream. A man who can handle tweezers is a man after my own heart. DeAnna knew that she was going to be in the pool in Palm Springs with the guys this week, so she asked me to touch up some places where the sun doesn’t shine (if you catch my drift). Girlfriend needs more than a razor, she needs some hedge trimmers! Yikes. Oh, and you didn’t hear this from me, but Fleissy boy asked me if I knew anything about how to contain an unusually large amount of stomach hair. Eww.
Stacie Field - Wardrobe Girl
Ugh. After this week, I am sure glad the paychecks keep clearing because this cast has started to wear on my last nerve. If I see Jesse pull out that damn teeshirt with the tie printed on it one more time, I'm going to rip it off and strangle him with it. On the other hand, that little weirdo is such a thrill-seeker, he may enjoy it. While Jesse's a bit too stuck in the 90s, Jeremy is too conservative to try anything vintage. When I got the notice that he and DeAnna were heading to the Sinatra house, it was a godsend. I found the cutest little vintage-inspired dress for Dee and an awesome 1950s suit for him. That asshat didn't even want to try it on, saying that it made him look too "boxy." I think he's just jealous of the physique of a certain basketball player in the group. There is also something weird going on around here. I heard that one of my assistants started a rumor about the color green being significant on the show. This from an assistant who also thinks the green M&Ms are aphrodisiacs! Who knows what weirdness lies ahead; all I know is I need a vacation.
Josie Sterling - Cook
Now that my Freddy is gone, I've decided to have some fun with the guys. Graham made a serious error on his beach date with Deanna when he revealed that he doesn't like seafood. What did I make for dinner while they were at the house in Palm Springs? Lobster, prawns, salmon, halibut, sturgeon, scallops, and crab. You should have seen him turn green every night as the smell would start to waft in from the kitchen. *Tee hee* I snorted out loud when that little production assistant showed me the film from Deanna's date with Sean. See, if Fleiss had let me prepare that dinner, the steaks wouldn't have been cooked to a crisp. What a waste of good beef. And don't even get me started on them drinking a bottle of white wine with steak and potatoes. I wouldn't have let them have anything other than a Cabernet. Deanna is really pissing me off. Now she's let my comic relief go. After Fred left, Twilley would sneak into the kitchen and entertain me with little skits about De and the other guys. It's too bad Fleiss chose not to show you Twilley's imitation of Robert's little meltdown. I wonder how Miss High and Mighty is going to like next week's Velveeta-themed menu?
Twyla Saks - Makeup Girl
Damn the day I took this lousy gig! Not only was I deprived of my yummy Brian Texas just last week, but now Her Royal Highness wants more moisturizer because, get this, the lights are drying out her skin and her cheeks feel like sandpaper. Never mind all those zits I need to cover up already. And not just any moisturizer would do for her! Ever since being picked for the show, I guess she thinks she graduated from Ladies Home Journal to French Vogue and now it's goodbye Olay and hello Shiseido and L'Occitane. If she could only spell either... Well, she can have the expensive snake oil, and I'm taking my revenge elsewhere. After I test drove Graham last week, we had such a good time that he's been meeting me behind the azalea bushes next to the Outhouse for some intelligent conversation and a little sweet, er, communion. The poor guy! He told me he can't wait to bust out of this wretched cage where he feels like a gladiator being trotted out for combat every two days or so with the man-eating lioness. He talked me into helping him escape. Sigh! I'll have to sneak him out in the backseat of my car tomorrow night after Miss MeMeMe goes to sleep. Wish us luck!
Dirk ManGood - Camera Operator, part-time Stalker
Oh, it was a great triumph when Twilley couldn't get out of the helicopter. Yes, that was all my doing. I had thought DeAnna would pick either Jason or Graham to ride in the helicopter and then it would have been perfect. Still, it was a riotious laugh trying to see Twilley figure out how to open the door. It must have taken him about 20 minutes to figure it out, all the while DeAnna was afraid he would puke on her. I was laughing so hard it was hard to hold the camera still. But you think that was good - wait until you see what I have planned for the next Rose Ceremony. It's frickin brilliant.
Trey Pendleton - Hairstylist to the Star
Oh, girlfriend did NOT make a crack about my thighs. Geoff should wish he had thighs as fine and muscular as mine. Because he is all talk and no action, he doesn't get the, ahem, exercise I do. That's how he knows all about the Spanx, he has a closetful. This week was kind of Blah. Geoff kissed Fleiss' assistant's ass, literally, and got to style DeAnna's hair for the Tell All. Bangs - I laughed and laughed. What was he thinking? She looked ridiculous with that swoop over her forehead. Bangs are soooooo last year. Or is it the year before? Anyway, they are definitely not right now. Of course, what Geoff doesn't know is that I am the only one going to the Fantasy date locale. I guess Geoff was kissing the wrong person's ass.
Disclaimer: While we almost trust Mike Spelling, we are quite pragmatic and think that it's possible we've been thoroughly had. We take no responsibility for the contents of any of his letters or the information he provided.
Thanks to our fabulous FORT mods and writers: AshleyPSU, iguanachocolate, lildago, Mariner, MsFroggy, PhoneGrrrl and Yardgnome.